Worries about my wife

[Saddadandhusnand]

My first ever post so attempting to download a growing list of worries about my wife, our kids, our relationship and the future:

Lots of issues that I’m hoping the forum can help me make sense of.

Background: both-mid 30s, 2 girls: 3.5, 1.5, married 5yrs,
Together 9yrs. I run own business & work long hours: stressful but few money issues, wife is full-time mum.

• wife shouts at our girls all the time and seems like she feels awful about it. Swears at them which I hate.
• Tells people she wishes she could turn back time and not have kids
• I sometimes worry about their safety despite knowing she loves them so much
• she used to get my to help with all child care until relatively recently after her family told her she needed to do more to support me running our business. Now up more mornings and she’s constantly tired
• My offers of help often end in venomous and spiteful responses. Sometimes she will scream for help, then shout that I’m useless when I arrive
• I genuinely worry about her taking her own life at times
• She feels trapped in her own life but I can’t find anything she will agree to doing differently to change this
• Dead bedroom: I fear almost 100% chance of being rejected. Not just for sex but for any intimacy. She’s not interested at all
• If I try to discuss it, I’m always in the wrong and being totally unreasonable
• On the 5/6 times a year it does happen, it’s very one sided
• Makes me feel incredibly lonely
• When I try to discuss if she simply dislikes me now, she calls me selfish and tells me to get over myself
• I’d love more kids. She absolutely hates the idea

Aside from all this, occasionally we will drop back into loving each other’s company.

I really want to make things work but can’t work out how to do it.

She’s recently agreed to see a councillor about her anger issues and our relationship.

Could she have post natal depression?

Sounds depressed to me. Life at home full time with kids is hard. You know this - why are family getting involved in your personal business? My family say my husband does a lot for me but I have suffered from depression (it’s an on-going battle) I’m constantly fatigued and now I work part-time trying to balance everything is hard. Our families or not on hand to help. I think she’s in a bad place and needs to talk to someone like her GP. Also I think maybe could she help with your business to lighten the load and get some Childcare for the children?

Counselling and talking to GP definitely next steps. Go easy on her on the sex front - I know it’s hard. Everything is hard and overwhelming for her - sounds to be she’s just about functioning.

She sounds exhausted and trying to live up to the expectations of others. She needs a break to recharge and you need to be helping her even if she doesn't accept it. Don't ask just go and wash up and vacuum, if she tries to argue, just say something nice like... U work so hard keeping this a lovely home or raising our girls I just want to show u I appreciate it. She may feel having help as a weakness. Maybe speak to the hv or get her to the Dr's. The sex thing will be linked to her emotions and not u, if she is feeling tired crap she won't feel like sex. You could always suggest councilng and discuss in a neutral place how ur concerned about her x

Full time mum is hard. Sound like depression/stress to me. Has she talked to her GP? Does she get any down time and time for herself?

I think she needs to visit the GP.
Would she be open to that?
It sounds like un-diagnosed PND to me.
She needs some professional help here.
You are not qualified to deal with this.

Does she have any hobbies?
Go to the gym?
Do any classes?
Meet up with friends or family?

She needs some down time away from the kids but she definitely needs to see the GP. If she wants you there it would be good for you to attend with her, along with your list of issues.

It does sound like stress / depression / PND.

1.5 and 3.5 is very young and very very demanding ages. If you're working long hours, then the majority of the care goes to her - and it is absolutely exhausting.

Have you ever had both the girls for an entire day so that she can have a break?

I do think she needs to see someone like a counsellor.

The sex thing is not going to happen for a while if she's feeling like this - especially if she doesn't want more kids. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but why on earth do you want more kids when it sounds as if you are both struggling with the ones you currently have? And presumably again, the majority of the care will fall on her, so she will have two young children to take care of while pregnant, and then three young children which is a huge task.

@Saddadandhusnand has any of this helped?

She is having a breakdown. :(

Something needs to change here. Does she get any down time? Could the children do some half days in nursery or a playgroup? When she screams for help do you come straight away?

I think you need to let go of having more children especially as it doesn't seem as though you are able to be that involved.

Your wife isn't cut out for being a SAHM. Can you afford a nanny/just put both children in nursery for at least a few days a week? I have children with a similar age gap and it's difficult. I'm OK generally but a bit highly stung because of it so when my husband starts causing problems (which he has recently) a verge into angry shouty mum territory.

I remember feeling so overwhelmed when my dp was trying to do his own business while i was in the process of a breakdown when they were little. The sleepless nights, the no money coming in, the lack of presence in the house. I was feeling like i was literally going mad. He had to give up the business in the end and get a stable job

Sounds like she has depression
Could she look at going back to work part time some people aren’t cut out to be a stay at home parent

Does she get out and about with dc mums and tots groups etc

She's got 2 young kids and sounds stressed out. I'd sit her down and tell her she's doing an amazing job but because you work so much you're not able to do enough around the house and kids. So come up with a solution together that everyone is happy with. A cleaner a few times a week and a couple of days for the kids to be in childcare?

Thanks guys - this is all really useful. Good to hear we’re not the only ones going through this.

Our oldest is at pre-school 4 days a week, and little one with a childminder 1 day a week. School holidays have been especially tough for her.

I’ve tried to get more childcare for number 2 but my wife isn’t keen and feels guilty. Offered an au pair or nanny but I think she finds it threatening or guilty for not doing her job as a mum.

She plays hockey twice a week during the season and loves it. She was a PE teacher and misses exercise. She gets out for playgroup, softplay, meets friends fairly regularly but still goes stir-crazy.

I’ve suggested going back to work but she was a specialist PE teacher and there’s not many jobs. I think she’s also struggling with motivation to do that and can’t see how childcare and work might fit - especially considering the hours I do at work.

I take the kids for a day on my own every 2/4 weeks but all family is at least 4hrs away so rarely get a chance for more than that. I take at least 1 day off so share childcare with her on that day but I’m usually totally exhausted from working a 90-100hr week so struggle as well.

I’ve talked about councilling before - mainly for our relationship but perhaps I approached it wrong and should suggest she sees her GP for PND or similar? Not sure how to approach this. Any suggestions?

More babies was always the plan. I come from a big family and we’re both one of three, so both always said we’d have 3. Selfishly I’m also keen to have a little boy to complement our girls. She’s not so keen - especially in her current state.

She’s desperate to keen the house tidy and clean but hates cleaning. I’ve offered a cleaner but again she doesn’t want it. Blames money despite this not being an issue but I think she feels it threatens her abilities as a mum/wife.

Although we own a flat, it was too small for us as a family so rent it to my sister and her friends so now saving for a family house. Again she feels guilty for not being able to put into the savings pot and entirely rely on me. Money issues are usually related to this.

Appreciate people chipping in here!!

90-100 hours a week is really long. If my partner did that and if I was a stay at home mum I would get really fed up.

Do you think things would be different (better or worse) if you gave up the business and found a normal (I.e 37h week type) job? If she was happiest when she was a PE teacher could she/you try to find a job where she does that? Even if it means moving?
As the old saying goes - a happy wife is a happy life :)

She is martyring herself to the detriment of her mental health.
Something has got to give here.
She cannot do everything. She will have a breakdown and that will impact everyone hugely.
I think you need to put a couple of hours aside one evening and talk honestly and frankly with her.
Tell her she's doing a great job but she can't do everything.
She is not (well she is a bit!) superwoman and that is NOT what you expect.
I would say you are getting a cleaner to give her some breathing space on that. Blimey, I have a cleaner and have no DC at home full time. Just me on my own 80%. But I hate it so would rather pay someone who is good at it to do it for me.

Then tackle the rest of it, one topic at a time.
Do not have any more DC at this time.
She will not cope.

Plus - don't ask if she wants you to do X to help, just do it.

Just to say - I think you just have to completely leave the idea of more kids completely out of discussion, because it will be another horrific source of guilt for your wife. It may be that she just can't do it, and she clearly can't now.

I do get it is hard - although we had two in the end, I hankered after three, especially when my kids are at the age yours are at. In my case, there was stuff at that time to do with already having two sons and always assuming I'd have a daughter. But a few years on, I can see that I had a strong IMAGE of the ideal family that didn't put me and my husband's temperament into the equation. Like you, but for different reasons I was under massive stress during the intense thoughts about a bigger family, the reality of my life was actually already brutally stressful.

Counselling is a good idea, but she may need it first on her own.
Have you asked her directly how she is, and just told her very directly that you love her and that you want to support her with what is right for her? Have you said that you are worried that she might depressed, and asked her what feelings she has? I would say it straight.

Absolutely forget more kids for now. The time to think of it is when your dw is a happy working mum who feels strong enough to face a maternity leave.

You have got to take over a bit here. She can't see the wood for the trees. Tell her she's doing a super job and is a wonderful mum but you can see she has given too much of herself and needs some space to look after herself. This is your job. She sounds hopeless and she will stay hopeless until she's had a chance to rest and reflect.

Put more childcare in place, even if it's a temporary measure. The counselling is important and hopefully will lead to her attending the GP. Encourage medication if it's offered. Encourage friendships and holidays. Hire a nanny yourself or identify a good childminder and be bossy about it because she must have a break.

I would be frank and say you can see she needs to do things that make her happy - sports and work - and you as a family need her to be fulfilled. That's far more important than not using childcare.

I would also seriously consider if this career you have is worth it. At the moment, I feel a bit annoyed with you saying you'd like more kids. It's easy to say when you're never at home.

She is depressed. I was like that for years. Sort out a babysitter, take out for a nice evening. Do fun things. And support her on the counselling front. Someone mentioned up there that she might not be cut out to be a SAHM. Some of us aren’t and there’s nothing wrong with that. A couple if mornings at nursery for the girls can help her.

Well done to you for worrying about her and seek help/opinions. All the best.

I've been where your wife is, Sad Dad, and it was post-natal depression. It took me a really long time to recognise and accept that, and to agree to go on anti-depressants, and although I only took them for a few months, it gave me the breathing space I needed.

Fortunately for her, you sound like you do care and genuinely want to help her feel better, but understand that she won't be able to see a way forward through anything you suggest and she will be absolutely crippled by guilt. Everything will feel hopeless, any suggestion will seem useless and unrealistic. Make sure that when you approach the subject with her, the only message she should get is that you want her to be happy, whatever it takes. It sounds like the best thing would be for her to return to work or if, as you explained, the specialist nature of her job makes that difficult, maybe some extra training to open up other areas of her work.

The whole thing does put another burden on you which you don't need but please be clear, she doesn't want this and it's not a case - as I had always previously thought it was - of just snapping out of it. Reassure her, 100 times per day if necessary, that childcare, cleaners, going to work or any other possible solutions do not make her a bad mother but over time her unhappiness will rub off so the best thing she can do for your children is to find a solution, even if it's short term or a bit radical or something she originally didn't approve of. Part of her problem will be a fear of making these changes but if she doesn't try something she will remain miserable and so will you.

As far as sex and more kids go, forget it for now. Once she can move on from this the one will no doubt be resumed and the other could be a viable option but for now you've got to be patient. Good luck!

A 90-100 hour working week when your children are this age is really incredibly selfish Those are difficult, non stop exhausting ages for a lot of parents and you’re leaving her to do it on her own.

And one day to herself every 2/4 weeks is not enough.
1 day of childcare for youngest is not enough.
Yes, she gets out a few times a week but she’s gone from being a PE teacher - a stressful but sociable fulfilling job - to essentially being trapped at home. No matter how lovely your kids are, she still needs adult company AND time to herself. Which she is not getting if you’re working 90-100 hour weeks.
No matter how lovely the kids are, when you’re trapped in a cycle of potty training, cooking dinner, tidying up, baby groups, understandably needy kids, lack of adult conversation, can’t even go for a wee without someone crying/bumping their head/fighting/immediately needing a drink/screeching IT IS INCREDIBLY DRAINING AND SOUL DESTROYING. Capitals on purpose. No wonder she can’t think straight to help herself, she probably doesn’t even know who she is right now.

Man up and support your wife, and I don’t mean financially.

Its all very well wanting more kids if youre expecting someone else to raise them while you work elsewhere 100 hours a week

If was in the state your wife is now, and I even got a sniff of you saying you wanted more kids, I’d be having no sex life with you either!!

Why, exactly, do you want more when you work 100 hours a week and leave most of their care to your wife? What is it about being a parent that you want even more of?

Absolutely forget about more kids!

I agree about GP. Counselling too - but there are priorities here, and your sex life isn’t one of them. It’s important, yes. But she needs to prioritise working with a counsellor on what she wants from life now. If (and it is if) she’s not cut out for SAHM and has guilt around that, then that’s the priority. If that’s the primary issue then allowing herself to use more childcare and a cleaner and getting back to work, will kick start your sex life again far quicker than talking about your relationship instead of the impact of children.