Worries about my wife

[Saddadandhusnand]

My first ever post so attempting to download a growing list of worries about my wife, our kids, our relationship and the future:

Lots of issues that I’m hoping the forum can help me make sense of.

Background: both-mid 30s, 2 girls: 3.5, 1.5, married 5yrs,
Together 9yrs. I run own business & work long hours: stressful but few money issues, wife is full-time mum.

• wife shouts at our girls all the time and seems like she feels awful about it. Swears at them which I hate.
• Tells people she wishes she could turn back time and not have kids
• I sometimes worry about their safety despite knowing she loves them so much
• she used to get my to help with all child care until relatively recently after her family told her she needed to do more to support me running our business. Now up more mornings and she’s constantly tired
• My offers of help often end in venomous and spiteful responses. Sometimes she will scream for help, then shout that I’m useless when I arrive
• I genuinely worry about her taking her own life at times
• She feels trapped in her own life but I can’t find anything she will agree to doing differently to change this
• Dead bedroom: I fear almost 100% chance of being rejected. Not just for sex but for any intimacy. She’s not interested at all
• If I try to discuss it, I’m always in the wrong and being totally unreasonable
• On the 5/6 times a year it does happen, it’s very one sided
• Makes me feel incredibly lonely
• When I try to discuss if she simply dislikes me now, she calls me selfish and tells me to get over myself
• I’d love more kids. She absolutely hates the idea

Aside from all this, occasionally we will drop back into loving each other’s company.

I really want to make things work but can’t work out how to do it.

She’s recently agreed to see a councillor about her anger issues and our relationship.

Also, speaking from experience, ADs will not help if the root of exhaustion and stress is not also addressed.

Also tell her from me (via the lovely doctor who diagnosed my pnd and post natal anxiety while tearing a strip off dh to his face about letting me get in this state) “PND and/or anxiety do not mean you are a bad mother. It’s a sad but appropriate response at being put on an unbearable situation.”

Her family telling her she needs to support you more has probably made her feel incredibly guilty which will make depression worse.

Can you cut down your hours? Being a SAHM even when not depressed is relentless.
I think there need to be some changes or she will have a breakdown.

She needs to be supported, but in a way that doesn't make her feel more useless.

"ADs will not help if the root of exhaustion and stress is not also addressed."

I agree, although they helped me to realise that my homelife is unsustainable, and I'm working on splitting with my husband.
ADs might help her to see more clearly what she needs.

If you are really working 90-100 hours, you are doing 16 hour work days for 6 days pw, just coming home to shower and sleep. You can't see much of the children, let alone share the care. You really need to cut back your work and share the load at home. Also, leave the sex / third baby conversation. I bet she wants some rest, sleep and to remember the woman she was before children.

Also: you believe your wife to possibly be suicidal. You say she’s not interested in sex, and the 5-6x times a year you have sex it’s one sided.

So... isn’t it a bit bloody obvious that she doesn’t want to have sex?

Every other month is actually quite a lot if she doesn’t want to have sex. Stop initiating sex with her! 6x a year is 6x too many when you don’t want sex.

I was in a sexless marriage, god knows I’m sympathetic to the frustration and loneliness of that! But right now, I think you need to back right off sex.

I didn't understand your reference to why you couldn't look after the children more because your family is situated 4 hours away. Did you mean you wouldn't look after the children on your own at home?

I was your wife. I was nearly able to finish your list of issues without reading it. She is depressed,without a shadow of a doubt. Unfortunately,she won't be able to see this as is obvious from her reaction to suggestions of extra help etc.
Having depression is like walking through glue every day.
Unfortunately,the only way I could see what was wrong me with was when my DH told me he would have to leave if I wouldn't talk to the GP. It was the last thing he wanted but he was going to have to for his own sanity. He told me afterwards that the worst part of his day was turning the key in the front door.
You need to treat this like any illness. You have to do everything in your power to help her get well again.
Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you have been researching and you think she has depression. Tell her you just want her well and will support her 100%. Go to the GP with her.My DH did and once he started telling the GP the way I was,it all became very clear to me.
Cut back on your hours,show her how serious you are.
I really hope you can work through it.

I have been where she is with post natal depression and ptsd.

Leave the sex and extra children issue for now, she is at breaking point and that is just more pressure which could push her over the edge.

What helped me was going back to work. There are other jobs she could do that would be less pressure than teaching and just get her out of the house, away from the kids and out of her head (it is a dark and lonely place being on your own with bad thoughts and only small kids for conversation). Kids go to a childminder/nursery or are with you. Her wages would help cover costs.

Try and get her to speak to a GP or self refer to local counselling service.

Also you need to be around more for a while. When I was like this DH quit his job to look after the kids so I could work.

Practical things-
Can you arrange a cleaner (not just suggest by actually contact and pay so she doesn't have extra mental load).

Find a nursery/Pre school place from eldest DD.

You are working very long hours, no wonder she is struggling. I wonder if she's thought about going back to work? Could you afford childcare for her to do that, even part time? Being at home all day long with two young children and a partner who is hardly ever there is miserable. I know from personal experience.

Things that helped me were nursery places , i would have loved a cleaner but that wasn't an option. I think counselling will really help her, give it time , she may feel worse initially as she confronts her feelings and starts to open up.

Don''t put pressure on her ,try and help and support her as much as you can. Organise a night out every night and find a babysitter. Let her have time to herself to go out with friends when you can. Does she have any friends/family around to help or talk to? She sounds at the end of her rope.

You have an unbelievable amount of cheek to expect more children when you work 100 hours a week!! Jesus Christ!

You say you work 90-100 hours per week and have "at least 1 day" a week off, so even if you "only" worked 90 hours per week over, say, 5 days that would mean you're working 18 hour days! That's insane. At the least it's about 15-16 hours per day. So, consider this, what's the point of you being in this marriage apart from financially? Because you're not there enough to be a husband or father. I'd suggest reining in your working hours considerably and getting a better work life balance, because you have marriage in name only at the moment due to your absense. Life is far more than money you know!

- she used to get my to help with all child care until relatively recently after her family told her she needed to do more to support me running our business. Now up more mornings and she’s constantly tired

What does this mean? You used to help more but due to feedback from outsiders you don't/she doesn't ask?

She's crying out for help. You need to be there more, give her headspace. No more chat about kids and sex. Space for her to rest, sleep, think, see friends and seek medical help when she's ready. She sounds about ready to break.