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Original poster

Silent treatment for nearly a week.

39 replies

Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:03

Dh and i had a chat last thursday about the start of the football season and he made a comment about not being captain this season so wont be obligated to play each week. He will play each week as he loves it but he also plays cricket every saturday in summer.
We have 4 dc who all play sport on the sunday so we cab never have a family day unless its raining and the sport is cancelled.
Every week dh just swans off all day whilst i sort the dc with whatever they have on or just look after them. Dh thinks im making more of it than the reality but i asked him to speak to his teammates and see how many have 4 dc, wife also works ft, does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing and sorts dc school drop offs, pick ups and running about. Then I should be really grateful that he cooks one day a week which lasted all of 6 weeks!

He hasnt spoken a single word to me since then. I in return havent spoken to him, cooked for him, made him a drink or done any of his washing or ironing.
All i wanted was him to say he appreciates what i do for him to enable him to carry on playing sports he always has. But that apparently is too much to ask.
He has done the silent treatment before after i shared my frustrations with him and asked him to help more as he agreed to when i took this ft job. Even then he said i was asking him to change too much (qll for asking him to cook some dinners and show an interest in my life)

Sorry its long but i just dont know where to go from here.

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 23/08/2018 01:07

Wow, that’s a whole new level of passive aggressive! I couldn’t tolerate that, even if I could put up with the lack of help and interest. Do you love him?

Original poster
Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:08

Yes i love him. Believe me if i didn't i wouldn't be here.

OP posts:
LatteLover12 · 23/08/2018 01:10

He sounds like a complete pain in the arse. You have four children but he doesn’t see why his life should change at all? He doesn’t help with daily life at all?

If I were in your position I’d be seriously considering what benefit there is in staying with him. It must be like having an extra child.

The silent treatment/stonewalling is a pathetic attempt to get you to back down, don’t do it.

Why do you stay with him? What does he do to enhance your life? If the answer is nothing then tell him to get lost.

Original poster
Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:23

I love him he says he loves me but when all it would have taken in that situation was to say yes Dilli i appreciate what you do not try to play it down. I just don't know where to go from here.
He's selfish but cannot see it, he works hard to bring home a wage but so do i. And since going full time the resentment has grown. We talked about me going ft after years of pt work around the kids. Luckily i run my own diary so can pretty much work around the kids but i make up the time in the evenings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:25

I don't want to leave i need some help/pointers/guidance on where to go from here.

OP posts:
IndigoLamp · 23/08/2018 01:30

What is it you love about him?
He sounds abusive. He’s stonewalling you, he uses you as his house slave, he’s selfish, lazy and doesn’t give a toss about your feelings. He doesn’t want to spend time as a family. Why do you stay with him?

Charliecatpaws · 23/08/2018 01:31

Offer him a trial separation while living together, he takes responsibility for kids and the house (along with his and the kids sports) every other weekend and two evenings a week as non-resident fathers do.....see how he copes while you have ‘me time’

Original poster
Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:37

That's the thing he is very capable.
He'll take leave in the hols and take the kids off camping, hiking or down to his parents.
He does all the diy and gardening.
We have some great discussions about politics etc but he wouldn't ask about my work and never has done.
When this happened last time i sent him an email explaining how i felt and asked if there was anything i did that annoyed him. He said they only thing was butting in on conversations which i said i felt was joining in but id try not to do it if he felt this way. He did start cooking once a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilligaf81 · 23/08/2018 01:39

Thanks charliecatpaws thats a good suggestion.

OP posts:
IndigoLamp · 23/08/2018 02:04

Yes agree. Good suggestion.

So he only wants to talk about what he wants to talk about?! And you are not to voice an opinion unless he says it’s ok. Selfish and controlling.
I feel sad that you have to communicate with your DH by email. Does he show you any love?

TheMythicalChicken · 23/08/2018 02:07

Why don't you move your DC's sport to the Saturday? That way Sunday will be free for a family day.

AgentJohnson · 23/08/2018 02:35

All i wanted was him to say he appreciates what i do for him to enable him to carry on playing sports he always has.

Yeah but he doesn’t. He expects you to do these things and he expects to have the freedom to prioritise himself. Your expectations are different, you were right, you enable him and that’s very different to supporting him. Don’t wait around for him to change, you need to, by stopping being so accommodating of his taking of the proverbial.

My Ex would expect a bloddy parade if he did anything domestically, where as I expected him to pull his weight and didn’t feel the need to thank him. When he claimed I was being unappreciative, I asked him where my gold star was when I did shit around the house, he couldn’t answer because he knew he was being unreasonable but instead of owning it, he doubled down because his senses of entitlement was greater than his ability to be fair. This isn’t the reason he is an Ex but it was one of the many things where looking back, I think WTAF was I thinking enabling this crap.

The gender trap is a thing! Stop being so bloddy accommodating. However, brace yourself for the inevitable push back, when he tries to reassert himself as being the boss of but remember, you are the only one who can can give permission for him to be that. Let go of the idea that he appreciates what you do, when it’s clear that he doesn’t because he expects you to do the things you do and so far, you’ve only enabled this opinion.

Perfectly1mperfect · 23/08/2018 03:10

Why is he not interested in your work ? Do you take an interest in his work ? It sounds as though he just sees himself as the most important member of your household.

I feel sad that you have asked him if you annoy him. You do everything for him, you have said he's selfish, you work around his life yet he doesn't show any interest in yours and now he is ignoring you. He is the annoying one here.

I would be struggling to feel love for someone like that, even if they did have a few good points. However if you do love him, something has to change.

Would he consider marriage counselling ? If not I agree with offering the trial separation.

Do you want to work full time ? If not could you go back to part time as at least you would have a little more free time, even if it doesn't actually make him step up or appreciate you.

Cawfee · 23/08/2018 03:17

What exactly is there to love about him? Seriously? He’s suiting himself despite having 4 kids and a wife and you are never getting any weekend time to enjoy your life. What’s the point of any of it? Surely you’d be happier with somebody who puts you and the kids first? He gets every Saturday to himself. Do you get every Sunday to yourself? I hope you’re not cooking/cleaning/running kids around on a Sunday? That should be your “spa” day and the day he does everything with the kids. Fairs fair.
He sounds very selfish. If you separated then that would screw up his lifestyle. Maybe you should call it and see how he copes then. Until he gets a taste of how it could be, he’s never going to appreciate what he’s got

dragonflyflew · 23/08/2018 03:55

Sulking and silent treatment can be abusive. at the least it's passive aggressivebut it's very controlling behaviour.not a great role model for your kids. He needs to work out more constructive ways to express his anger when he's not getting his own way.
Selfish little toad.

MistressDeeCee · 23/08/2018 04:25

Sulking, stonewalling etc is such a massive turn-off. I left an ex who did that as he became unattractive to me mainly for that reason. Sulking is not sexy.

If you're staying OP the best thing is to live your life, don't respond to sulking. If he doesn't want to talk to you then don't ask for his attention.

It's a really difficult way to have a 'relationship' though. The silence and sulks are his silent passive aggressive way of telling you to shut up, and putting you in your place.

He won't change and the best you can hope for is as DCs get older and more independent, life becomes easier for you.

Imagine your GPs growing up, leaving the nest then being left with a sulker though. Boring doesn't cover it.

pog100 · 23/08/2018 05:25

The only thing that will work is another serious talk but this time with consequences and ones you will actually keep to. The only consequences that will work are you splitting. I think the only way to make this credible is to see a lawyer beforehand. He needs a shock, a real shock, and you need to be deadly serious.

YeTalkShiteHen · 23/08/2018 05:30

That must create a really horrid atmosphere in the house OP, and whether you realise it or not, will be having an enormous impact on your children.

I don’t want to leave

Why not? I can’t think of any reason why you or your children should be subjected to this. Can you?

ShackUp · 23/08/2018 05:36

I would have booted his arse out of the door long ago, he sounds like a despicable specimen.

Your DC are learning that, if they're female, they get to do the shitwork, and if they're male, they can do as they please.

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2018 05:56

He's not contributing much to your family life, just money. It's unfair that you do everything and work full time. Sulking like this is pathetic. What's to love about this behaviour?

Headupshouldersback · 23/08/2018 06:21

I’m sorry you’re in this miserable situation.
I’m probably going against the grain here but here’s my view:

You’re obviously both angry, but the silent treatment on his side and your withdrawal of domestic support is getting you nowhere.
You’ve got 4 children to consider and you don’t want to leave so you need to focus on better communication and getting this sorted out.

You say he works hard, does all the diy and gardening etc and will take the kids off on holiday and do things with them so he’s not all bad. He likes to play sport once a week and he doesn’t do enough around the house or appreciate how hard you work.

The sport keeps him active and probably keeps him happy.

You can send yourself half mad trying to change your husband or work with what you’ve got.

You sound resentful and I think this is because your plate is too full and you envy his situation.

Are you happy working full time? Unless you love your work so much I’d consider going part time. You managed on part-time work before.
I personally think 3 days is plenty. Then you get a day to sort the house and a day for yourself.
Get a cleaner. A couple of hours a week could help enormously.
Get a slow cooker and use it on work days.
Is it possible to swap the kids sports days to coincide with Dad’s ?

You could suggest him missing one Saturday in 4 to spend doing something as a family or every other Sunday he takes the kids to their sport on a Sunday to give you some time.

Tell him it’s hurtful that he doesn’t take an interest in your work. Say to him, “ask me how my day was” when he repeats the question, say “thank you for asking ” and tell him. Train him to be thoughtful.

You can turn this around. Talk to your husband. Write him an email if you have to.
Tell him how much you love him and your family and that you want to move forward.
Tell him you’re angry and hurt and acknowledge he is feeling the same, then suggest a way forward.

Marriage isn’t always easy.
Good luck x

Oct18mummy · 23/08/2018 06:33

Why can’t he do every other week and give you the opportunity to have a day to yourself/a family day? Seems very unfair that you both work full time but weekends he can swan off leaving you to do everything

Parker231 · 23/08/2018 06:33

Change things - he gets one Saturday a month as do you and two saturdays are family days. All household and child related care is split 50:50. Non negotiable. Don’t carry on enabling him to opt out of responsibilities.

Oblomov18 · 23/08/2018 06:40

Sulking is a very unattractive quality.

Sisgal · 23/08/2018 06:47

Do you realise you are a single mum of 4 already? Bin him off, you won't even notice he's gone..and you'll be AMAZED at how quickly you find your feet and feel happy again - speaking from experience!!

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