Silent treatment for nearly a week.

[Dilligaf81]

Dh and i had a chat last thursday about the start of the football season and he made a comment about not being captain this season so wont be obligated to play each week. He will play each week as he loves it but he also plays cricket every saturday in summer.
We have 4 dc who all play sport on the sunday so we cab never have a family day unless its raining and the sport is cancelled.
Every week dh just swans off all day whilst i sort the dc with whatever they have on or just look after them. Dh thinks im making more of it than the reality but i asked him to speak to his teammates and see how many have 4 dc, wife also works ft, does all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing and sorts dc school drop offs, pick ups and running about. Then I should be really grateful that he cooks one day a week which lasted all of 6 weeks!

He hasnt spoken a single word to me since then. I in return havent spoken to him, cooked for him, made him a drink or done any of his washing or ironing.
All i wanted was him to say he appreciates what i do for him to enable him to carry on playing sports he always has. But that apparently is too much to ask.
He has done the silent treatment before after i shared my frustrations with him and asked him to help more as he agreed to when i took this ft job. Even then he said i was asking him to change too much (qll for asking him to cook some dinners and show an interest in my life)

Sorry its long but i just dont know where to go from here.

So when do you get your day? Is this the other day on the weekend? What do you do in the way of hobbies

Does your oh still cook? If not why not? I’d continue by sharing chores, he does his washing and washing for two of the children, cooking Monday - Wednesday and shopping for those days you do Thursday- Saturday and shopping for those days
Sunday you eat out?

What do you get out of this relationship now with him that is still worth having?. You state you love him, fair enough but really, what is there to love about this man?. A man who is prepared for you to do all the "wimmins" work whilst he swans about playing sports when he feels like it. A man who is not really all that interested in your life.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning about relationships here?.

Examine closely why you do not want to leave. Are you staying therefore and really for the kids?. Bad idea that if you are as is a trial separation with both of you living under the same roof.

He sees the kids and all the stuff to do with the household as your job; he is too important to do those so leaves that to you. I bet you as well he spends far less time overall on both DIY and gardening than you spend in terms of chores during the week. Sulking as well is really another form of emotional abuse. How did the silent treatment end towards you last time around, did you give in then?.

If I was in your position I’d have a sit down discussion with DH.
We both work full time, so it’s fair that we take one day each on the weekend for hobbies and the other be responsible for children and meals.
I’d also negotiate meal prep and school drop off/pick ups
Why should you do ALL the work if you both work full time? How would he feel if you expected this from him?

I find it unfathomable how one human being alone can care for and administer to 6 people aswell as have a full time job? Surely you would be deranged with exhaustion? Why do you work full time? Is it because this Emperor doesn't earn enough to go round and you have to work full time aswell as having 4 kids?
Why is OP asking others what she should do? No one can wave a wand and magically turn her husband into a caring person.
If you love him so much just grin and bare it because he definately isn't in the habit of considering you. What's to love so much?

You can turn this around. Talk to your husband. Write him an email if you have to.
Tell him how much you love him and your family and that you want to move forward.
Tell him you’re angry and hurt and acknowledge he is feeling the same, then suggest a way forward

Weird how your solution is her resolving everything by bringing in help, or giving up some of her job - not him doing anything except ask her how her day has been.

My ex fiancé use to sulk that’s why he’s an ex, it’s a very unattractive quality in a man.

Why don’t you find something regular to do in the week and the odd weekend for yourself so that he realises that your allowed a life as well as him.

Stuff it I'd take the kids away for a night, go.and do something fun, see if he feels the need to contact you when you've disappeared.

Or I'd just get on with my life as normal and not show him the silent treatment bothered me one iota.

How does his silence affect the kids?

E mails and not talking ? Gee whizz.....

You can turn this around. Talk to your husband. Write him an email if you have to. Tell him how much you love him and your family and that you want to move forward. Tell him you’re angry and hurt and acknowledge he is feeling the same, then suggest a way forward

Why is it down to OP to go crawling back from her DH. He knows that OP loves him, he knows OP is angry and hurt but it doesn't stop him still not taking to OP a week later. He will continue until OP gets back into her box and start doing everything for him again.

Her DH needs to step up and start being a parent of 4 children and all that entails with helping with the children and the home.

Has he noticed you are not talking or doing anything for him.

incredibly sturdy I also suggested that husband takes children to their sports every other weekend to give op a break and misses his sport every 4th week to have family time.

Op asked for a way forward, saying she loves her husband and wants to stay.
Op sounds overloaded with work and childcare, I’m simply suggesting she lightens her load as hubby doesn’t seem forthcoming.

Sometimes you can exhaust yourself trying to get others to change/ see it your way.
In the end it’s about what you can do yourself to get to where you want to be.

Ideally he would ditch his sport on alternate weekends, take his share of the domestic chores, insist op has more time for herself and take more interest in her work, but I don’t think this is going to happen.

I’m happy for someone to disagree with me but I don’t think criticising another’s advice without offering any suggestions of your own is helping op, it’s just negative.

He sounds horrible. How old are you? (approx). How do you think this is going to work long term? You've possible got another 50-60-70 years living with this man? Are you planning on being his 'lesser' half fall all that time, looking after him, not butting in and putting up with his selfishness and nasty mess all that time?

Can you imagine what you would have to think of someone to treat them how he is treating you? Lots of people have the occasional row but not speaking to you fo weeks in end is really nasty. Id have to hate someone to do that.

BTW, would I be wrong in guessing that when he has done this before that making up involves sex? I suspect that can be a motivator for some guys in deciding to stop their silent behaviour.

If it was me I'd leave him and be happy be single - it be less work and I would relish not having to walk on eggshells all the time. It will also mean the kids don't have to put up with seeing his shite behaviour.

BTW. If you do stay DO NOT go part time just in case you do end up splitting up later on.

Good luck and I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Thanks for replies, sorry fell asleep.
In answer to some questions:
I work full time as had an injury and had to leave my pt job, i was paid v. Well in the last one so had to go full time to earn the same and really couldn't afford to drop any money. I love my new job and wouldn't want to change it.

I cant change the kids sports they are part of teams and really enjoy it. Plus my husband coaches one of my sons sports so its on the opposite day to the adults on purpose.

I currently don't have any hobbies, up until 2 yrs ago i ran but would go when the kids were in bed or on my day off.

Sulking is very unattractive i agree.

The kids haven't noticed, this week I've been off work so out everyday, not home till later.

I've just had a search as to what tax credits etc i could get if we separate and its do able.

I feel that over the years I've allowed this to happen and now I've got fed up with it he is sulking to try to get back what he's enjoyed for all these years.
We need to talk and he needs to decide if he's willing to change for me and the family, if not i know ill cope so lets see.

Thanks everyone. X

Take it from me , you need to separate, even if it’s just temporary. The resentment and tiredness will eat away at you and you will end up a bitter exhausted shell of yourself. You were me a year ago. The crunch for me was realising I didn’t want to have a son that behaved that way and a daughter who thought that was how women were treated.
I feel for you, it’s hard to leave but you deserve so much better. Kids will still be able to do their sports and life will carry on but you ll be arsehole free.

Clutter bugs I agree, husband is definitely in the wrong and should be the one apologizing and he should step up as a parent. I don’t think this is going to happen.

The atmosphere in the house with no communication for the 4 kids isn’t healthy.
As with any argument, sometimes you just have to draw a line under it and say, “ can we move forward from this?”

Husband is selfish and his behaviour is unreasonable. op has chosen to stay so I’m offering a way of making her life a bit easier.

I was just trying to be helpful - jeeez !!
Should have just written ‘LTB’ !!!