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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I controlling?

27 replies

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:43

Not been on MN long but am long time reader. Wanted advice as I think I'm being unreasonable as does DH but I still think boundaries are crossed. DH manges several care homes, has assistant manager and several seniors. He does rotas. I kicked off after two years of him on whatsapp messenger and staff ringing our home re work issues (Sunday morning!!!)) he's started leaving his phone when at home now, apart from when on call and it had settled down. What I don't like is that he has a lot of women work for him, who message him on whatsapp re rota etc ("but their Prof pucs are always seductive) and he replies, always politely but must spend about 2 hours from every messaging staff. I don't see why he needs to do this when he has seniors and assistant manager... He says cause he does the rota he has to communicate this way. I'm sick of seeing young posing women texting him saying how great he is he's changed their shift etc blah blah. He's a great husband and father he would never cheat and he leaves his phones lying around while he's out for hours. Aibu to think there's protocol and all these women shouldn't be messaging him. Sometimes every fucking day

OP posts:

AllStar14 · 22/08/2018 20:45

You're being ridiculous.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:47

Why

OP posts:

Kidssendingmenuts · 22/08/2018 20:47

Yep your being unreasonable and a tad psychotic to be honest. It doesn't matter what they look like on their profile pic, if you know he wouldn't cheat and he can be trusted then leave him to it and chill out!

Thatsfuckingshit · 22/08/2018 20:48

Honestly, I think you ar3 being over the top. Many jobs don't have a 'switch off time.

Women have their WhatsApp photos on their what's app. It's not to seduce your husband. They won't have more than phone and will use their personal what's app.

If he is doing the rotas and people have issues and may need to sort them when they see the rota, rather than waiting until the next when it can't be sorted.

But it really does depend on how often it is. But I get the impression you would not kind if this was mal3 staff messaging. Also of course people as going to say somethi g like "You are so great" when someone has done them a favour.

I can see him working all the time must be annoying but I do think you are being over the top.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:49

I think staff need boundaries

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 22/08/2018 20:49

Jesus.....sorry for the typos.

Bambi99 · 22/08/2018 20:50

I cna understand u feeling insecure we all have times like that, but he isn't doing anything wrong and it is his job you shouldn't interfer. He isn't flirting back and isnt being secretive with his phone so u wud let it go or it will damage your relationship x

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:51

It's a business. You have layers of staff. Staff go to seniors then assistant manager then High up manager. These staff were texting him all hours day and night. Is that not inappropriate

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/08/2018 20:53

He's either crap at making rotas or too weak to make people stick to his decisions. He needs to man up, and say the rota is not changing without good cause. And those changes need to be made in advance in writing. And stick to it! Last minute emergencies should only be dealt with if he is on call. Otherwise supervisor on call deals with it. If he can't do that he shouldn't be in charge of rotas! He pays staff to manage, he needs to let them manage.

But I think worrying about their profile pictures is ott! And of course they are going to suck up to him if he's changing their work schedules whenever they want. It's not threat to your marraige.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:54

Thank you bambi. U are right. I guess I just suffer from low self esteem. Peri doesn't help. Never been jealous before. Been together 20" years

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 22/08/2018 20:54

OP - you are being ridiculous because you think these WhA profile pictures are seductive. I think it is because the women are young you assume their pictures are seductive by definition.
Those are not their special WhA pictures only your H sees - these women use it for their friends and family. So - pictures are just their pictures....

However - I must agree that your H isn’t great at managing his job/home life boundaries....
There must be another way to manage changes in the rota. He is way too accommodating if he is constantly allowing changes.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:56

Thanks things do better. Have told him this and it has improved. It's been years of him sat there on his phone. But it had improved so I guess I need to cut him some slack

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 22/08/2018 20:56

Care homes operate 24 hours a day. Of course people will see their roate at different times and might not up awake during the day.

And actually people appreciate a boss who is understanding about needing to change rotas and accommodating their lives.

Managers who have blanket rules and admin to change something often are the crap bosses that no one likes and don't respect. Being understanding will help keep staff happy.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/08/2018 20:56

Hi Betty

It's your self esteem lovely, and you know that's on you

But, remember those pics would have been taken hundreds of times, before they found one they could live with 😳

ILoveDolly · 22/08/2018 20:58

The whatsapp pics are neither here nor there. The real problem is his terrible work life balance. He should ask any Rota requests to be made as an e-mail, then allot a certain amount of time checking over his emails and the rest of the time leave work at work. The messaging would get on my nerves too

MysteriousQuinn · 22/08/2018 20:59

Their WhatsApp profile pictures are not to impress your husband. I think you are over reacting. This in itself is not a reason not to trust him. So unless you have previous reasons not to (cheating/lying to you) then there is nothing to worry about.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 20:59

Mmom. I think it's cause it's not just the Changes to rotas etc. It's him constantly texting them saying what a great job they are doing. Isn't that what supervision is for? I just think it's what his seniors are for. I think I'm just feeling old and he still looks 20. I know it's my issue. Just wanted to hear womens point of view I guess. Peri makes me feel crazy

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Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 21:00

Thank you for lovely comments guys xxxxx

OP posts:

Hassled · 22/08/2018 21:02

I think your problem isn't that it's pretty girls messaging him, your problem is his lack of work/life balance. If he's prioritising work over watching a film with you/having a meal/chatting/whatever, then no wonder you're feeling low and taken for granted. I know I've been guilty of being unable to resist checking work emails in the evening - it's easily done, and I understand. But it means there's no real divide between work and home, which is never healthy and it's unfair on the other people at home.

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 21:44

Thank yiu. Hassled and the lovely guilty pleasures. It's not that I think he's cheating not at all. I just don't understand why they have to constantky text him and whatsapp him. It's all over friendly kisses and thank yous. I don't think they have whatsapp profile pics to attract him I just think it's not appropriate and he should have more boundaries. It used to be texts all night, I had to really kick off for him to put his phone away when he got home, which to his credit after years now he does do. I just know when I go to work I don't message my boss out of hours, I don't message while wearing bunny ears and low cut tops, I have respectable standards for them as an employer. They call him hun and chick, he's their boss, I just don't think it's right. And for the poster that said I'm psychotic, I'm really not. He goes away for days with mates. He does what he wants, it's just this issue. I don't steal children take them to fairground and then boil their rabbits. Lol although wouldn't mind boiling the bunny ears staff in a big bloody pot haha

OP posts:

Original poster

Bettyboop43 · 22/08/2018 21:45

Thanks I love dolly. Makes me feel bit less paranoid. Xxxx

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/08/2018 11:49

Your not being over the top. I would feel exactly the same. My dh is a manager and I get sick of staff approaching us when we have date nights (small town) and we then end up rowing. They do not have boundaries either and unfortunately it's this day and age now .

inshockrightnow · 23/08/2018 13:42

Why are you annoyed his staff have sexy photos? It's not just for his benefit. Most people have their best pic as a profile pic. You appear to have low self esteem. Also, care work is renowned for employees changing shifts. It's low paid, hard work. Absenteeism is often a problem and your husband is only sorting out his business. Of which I'm sure provides you with a nice life.

MudCity · 23/08/2018 13:51

He has a really tough job and if he is the registered manager even more so. I can totally understand why his job encroaches on the rest of his life as he is accountable. It is one of those jobs that is difficult to put down and does take up your life as you are responsible not only for the staff but also vulnerable service users.

Perhaps he could delegate a bit more to his deputy but I can really understand the nature of his job and why he feels he has to sort things out. You are on-call even if you are not.

Try to be patient. It’s a very stressful job and he needs your support. Feel blessed that he is a great husband and father.

Belina · 23/08/2018 14:00

I think u are being to much op

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