If you had a 'fractured' childhood, what kind of man did you end up marrying?

[salopek]

I'll be as brief as I can: parents divorced when I was young, I'm an only child, lived far away from my school friends and was very lonely, we were immigrants with no family around, my father was abusive and I went NC with him in my teens, he committed suicide when I was in my late teens, my mother was/is a complete narc but I didn't realise she was for a long time - I lived in fear of her and put her on a pedestal. She embarrassed me very often in front of the few friends I had, she constantly takes the piss out of me (in a mean way, it goes beyond a joke), and I lived to impress her and keep her happy but nothing I did impressed her.

I left home as soon as I could to start my own life. In my 20s I dated plenty of 'normal' guys. Guys who were good looking with lots of friends and 'normal' families. They never worked out. I probably (definitely) sabotaged them. I didn't fit the mould - I wasn't 'normal'.

I ended up marrying a fantastic man who is 16 years older than me. He provides me with security, maturity, and a lot of unconditional love and support. He showed me my mother's behaviour toward me was not normal. Our relationship is certainly unconventional but without him I'd still be lost.

Part of me is sad... I see friends/acquaintances on social media having hen do's surrounded by lots of girlfriends, and weddings with mountains of loving and smiling family members. I'll never have that.

I wonder if anyone else who had a difficult childhood ended up in an unconventional marriage/relationship?

DH is incredibly loyal, loving, reliable and a great husband and father. He is very giving and incredibly selfless. He is also 9 years older than me.

My upbringing was very fractured with alcoholic dad, odd family dynamics but a very supportive mum who went through a lot of crap but kept going.
I married a man who was caring and quiet and wanted a big family.
Turns out he was a morally deficient, selfish pig. I am better without him and so are the dcs.
One day I hope to meet someone like so many of you have.

I’m married to an absolute prick.

I didn't do too well first time around but I finally put myself first and left once the kids were adults. Second time around and now in my 50s I seem to find myself with a man who has no agenda, no game plan and no need to control me.

Someone very calm, kind, caring, loving, trustworthy, intelligent... Settled down very young (to give myself that stability and feeling of home and safety I craved). Still together 16 years on

Interesting to read about the age gaps here - DH is only a year older than me (we were 17 & 18 when we met).

Well, you're all far more sensible than me by and large.

Firstly, I'm not married, never was. I 'wasn't the marrying kind', according to my mother !!! Seems she was right.

I had a relationship with a much younger man, abusive in every way.

All good now though. I got rid years ago, I have my two beautiful dc whom he hasn't seen for five years plus, and I am happily single and will remain so for evermore.

For a long time I had a low sense of self worth and I gravitated towards men who didn't really have much going for them. I knew I was attractive, intelligent with good qualities, but I felt that something was wrong with me and I wasn't meant for relationships. I just felt different, I suppose, and worth less than others.
I was with a mentally abusive man for 6 years on and off and had children, but I could not leave him as I felt I wasn't strong enough to.
I eventually found the courage to end it with him and I am now with an amazing man. He is kind, gentle yet strong, intelligent and we just fit well together. He took on my three children and we have another one together. He also has a fractured childhood, a lot worse than mine as he experienced trauma, so I think we found something in each other and are similar.

Yes to a 'fractured' childhood - emotional abuse and the death of a parent which then made the remaining parent absolutely horrific. I left home as soon as I could, to be with a totally unsuitable and equally abusive shit who I stayed with for way too many years because I didn't want to go home

Ended up having a breakdown and finally leaving abusive shit. Then spent a few years on my own, determined to sort my head out and keep away from men forever

But then met my DH - 20 years ago now. I was really hard work for a long time, overly defensive and determined to find fault, but I knew instinctively from the start that I could trust him and that instinct's been proved right. He is lovely, completely normal, very grounded and very kind. I love him to bits and thank my lucky stars that somehow I've managed to come out of such a shitty start with the life I have now and a lovely family of my own.

Counselling helped, a lot.

I am happy for you that you have such a good man, op. A sixteen year age gap is not that unconventional and if you're happy it doesn't matter.
Enjoy your life, you're blessed.

PS Don't get the problem with marrying at the Registrar, it's still a legal marriage. Better than doing it in a church that you never attend! Nowadays many couples are married by a registrar in all sorts of surroundings, nowt wrong with that.

I married a man I hope won't abandon me, although the possibility haunts me every day.

My parents stayed together but my father was abusive on a lot of levels (not sexual). I left the first moment I possibly could.

Now I cannot bring myself to trust/rely on a man. I don’t get jealous or suspicious, when in a relationship I don’t worry about what he might be up to when I’m not there. I just can’t get past the belief that no matter how kind/generous/charming he is, he’s a man and therefore not to be relied on or trusted. The best I can manage is a sort of philosophical view that his company is nice until he does the inevitable nasty man stuff and then I can just walk away.
Which does rather limit any potential relationship. And I know it’s in my head but it hasn’t gone away.