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Original poster

If you had a 'fractured' childhood, what kind of man did you end up marrying?

37 replies

salopek · 22/08/2018 20:36

I'll be as brief as I can: parents divorced when I was young, I'm an only child, lived far away from my school friends and was very lonely, we were immigrants with no family around, my father was abusive and I went NC with him in my teens, he committed suicide when I was in my late teens, my mother was/is a complete narc but I didn't realise she was for a long time - I lived in fear of her and put her on a pedestal. She embarrassed me very often in front of the few friends I had, she constantly takes the piss out of me (in a mean way, it goes beyond a joke), and I lived to impress her and keep her happy but nothing I did impressed her.

I left home as soon as I could to start my own life. In my 20s I dated plenty of 'normal' guys. Guys who were good looking with lots of friends and 'normal' families. They never worked out. I probably (definitely) sabotaged them. I didn't fit the mould - I wasn't 'normal'.

I ended up marrying a fantastic man who is 16 years older than me. He provides me with security, maturity, and a lot of unconditional love and support. He showed me my mother's behaviour toward me was not normal. Our relationship is certainly unconventional but without him I'd still be lost.

Part of me is sad... I see friends/acquaintances on social media having hen do's surrounded by lots of girlfriends, and weddings with mountains of loving and smiling family members. I'll never have that.

I wonder if anyone else who had a difficult childhood ended up in an unconventional marriage/relationship?

OP posts:
Original poster
salopek · 22/08/2018 20:45

Just me then Blush

OP posts:
Catscakeandchocolate · 22/08/2018 20:53

A kind, calm, caring, stable man who doesn't play games, manipulate and emotionally blackmail me. Who loves me without conditions and doesnt spend his time trying to "win" against me.

Birdinthetree · 22/08/2018 20:59

A kind, calm, caring, stable man who doesn't play games, manipulate and emotionally blackmail me. Who loves me without conditions and doesnt spend his time trying to "win" against me.

MrsPworkingmummy · 22/08/2018 21:02

I ended up marrying my kind, confident and encouraging husband who is 18 years older than me!! I have no doubt that my dysfunctional childhood contributed to this.

Cheekyandfreaky · 22/08/2018 21:03

As above!

Cheekyandfreaky · 22/08/2018 21:03

As in this: A kind, calm, caring, stable man who doesn't play games, manipulate and emotionally blackmail me. Who loves me without conditions and doesnt spend his time trying to "win" against me.

Whatsnewwithyou · 22/08/2018 21:05

A wonderful, trustworthy rock of a husband who treats me like gold and is kind and good to everyone. We got married in our local registry office to avoid family drama.

Original poster
salopek · 22/08/2018 21:07

Absolutely @Catscakeandchocolate
I think stability and emotional maturity was the biggest draw for me also.

For a long time I didn't think these type of men existed. I'd never been around one!

OP posts:
Original poster
salopek · 22/08/2018 21:12

@Whatsnewwithyou we also go married at the local registry office! Never heard the end of it from my mother though - she's saying I did it to spite her Confused

OP posts:
Hassled · 22/08/2018 21:12

I had a very odd and unsettled childhood - a lot of trauma, a lot of unhappiness, a lot of moving countries/homes and it ended with me living on my own from the age of 16. I've ended up with someone whose parents still live in the house they bought in 1970, who has never suffered any sort of emotional upset, who is solid and reliable and who has enabled me to give my DCs the upbringing I didn't have.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 22/08/2018 21:15

First time I married for romance and excitement / it failed.

Second time I married somebody who is very much not my type - he is a little older, conservative with a small C, shy, and very sensible. We are very happy. I am aware that he gives me the stabilty and utter devotion I craved as a child

Mary1935 · 22/08/2018 21:17

Hi Salopek - your childhood was tough.
My father was an abusive alcohol - the only one saving grace is that I wasn’t sexually abuse. My mother was unavailable. We where never hugged or kissed or told we where loved or where special.
I was scared of men. I couldn’t cope with someone liking me - I didn’t understand it. I have had two long term relationships - I don’t trust easily - both abusive sadly.
Maybe I need an older man!! I fear I’ve missed out re dating when I was younger. I’m 53 now so could not see myself with a 70 year old.
I’d like someone in there 40s but I’m not sure that will happen.
I’m only just starting my divorce proceedings so I’m not ready to date just yet.

Original poster
salopek · 22/08/2018 21:28

@Mary1935 my father was also an alcoholic and my DH is tee total (ex alcoholic who got sober with AA)!! I was the opposite to you, I craved attention from men and slept around a lot. I liked to feel validated through my sexuality and thought sleeping with men would give me that validity. Looking back on myself now I feel sick.
Sorry to hear about your divorce and I hope you find the man that provides you with love and support - although we can also find these things away from men too x

OP posts:
cheshireagain · 22/08/2018 21:33

Older, secure, funny, handsome, successful, trustworthy.

Mary1935 · 22/08/2018 22:30

Thanks Salopek don’t beat yourself up re sleeping with men You where seeking love. I was too scared too. I have had a number of one nights stands in my 30s in fact I would initiate them - it was never when I was sober!!!
Growing up I was taught not to need - if that makes sense - as we didn’t get anything so we learnt not to need.
I’ve had 10 years of psychotherapy which helped me with men. My husband on the surface was so opposite my father. He was loving, kind, gave me lots of attention - he loved me - but he hit me too!!!
It took me a number of years to see I wasn’t responsible for his behaviour. He choose to hit me - it’s tragic really but I move forward. We had a beautiful 8 year old child and we are both aware not to fuck him up. Ex had an abusive alcoholic father but a very over involved mother. He too has been affected by his childhood in many ways but wouldn’t seek help when we where together.
🌺 to us all.

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 22/08/2018 22:33

Another one here with a difficult childhood and an older, very stable DH now.

I'm happy, maybe it's just a formula that works?

GoldenBuns · 22/08/2018 22:50

Kind, laid-back, funny, loving. Not always as emotionally available as I'd like him to be - but I also have a feeling that if he had been too clingy I would have run a mile!

TravelAndAdventure · 22/08/2018 23:06

Ahh you are so much like me! Addicted/sociopathic father and isolated mother, I was an only child and my childhood was full of trauma, mainly my father's domestic abuse towards my mother and his suicide attempts.

Married a man 17 years older than me, who had his own PTSD issues. I was drawn to try to fix him, as I've been drawn to 'fix' people since childhood. Luckily he had his own therapy and fixed himself. We eloped 10 years ago and renewed our vows in Vegas this year with our kids.

NotTheFordType · 23/08/2018 00:05

Why do you say your marriage is unconventional?

youarenot · 23/08/2018 00:35

I married (and thankfully divorced) a cunt.

Mrstobe90 · 23/08/2018 00:42

Again, I married a calm and stable man. He's 9 years older than me.
He's intelligent and loving and keeps me level. He has given me security, a wonderful home, a beautiful child and I feel completely and utterly safe with him. He is my soulmate.

Rebecca36 · 23/08/2018 01:31

Bless you, I too had a fractured childhood. I married a lovely man and he has, quite honestly, had a hard time with me but he says the good times have always made it worthwhile.

It sounds to me as though you have a lovely man, I don't know what is unconventional about your relationship and won't pry but that's your business. I'm glad you found him and life is better for you.

Don't worry about what other people do or have, we're all different.

Movablefeast · 23/08/2018 01:57

Well OP I would say you were in good company, look at Meaghan Markle, only her mum came to the wedding from her family and her dad and his side are still embarrassing her daily!

Original poster
salopek · 23/08/2018 07:31

I just mean unconventional in terms of I married a man so much older than me. A lot of people like to judge our relationship. On his part too, for being with such a younger woman.

@Justwanttoweeinpeace there seems to be a few us who found happiness in older men, maybe that is the winning formula Smile

OP posts:
myidentitymycrisis · 23/08/2018 07:55

I had a fractured and unhappy childhood and like you OP I slept around and made a lot of very poor life choices when young. Always dared ‘dangerous’ types who were utterly unreliable and often abusive.

I’ve recently reconnected with my first love who is intelligent and gentle and apparently adores me, but I never thought that I was good enough for. (Still don’t). There are still a lot of issues (my anxiety and self worth) but I am learning to trust and he is well adjusted. I’m 51 he’s 59 and we are madly in love again.

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