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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he fell asleep... a slightly dull one...

31 replies

WishIwasanastronaut · 22/08/2018 20:21

I am in a fairly new relationship, first after divorce.

My bf's car has apparently been 'loaned out to someone by his ex without him knowing' (I think this is the first red flag) and therefore I went to pick him up after working an 8 hour day and he didn't come when I messaged him.

I messaged and called him several times, waited for 30 minutes and then drove home.

He said he suddenly fell asleep. I do not accept this. Normal people do not fall asleep like that. I am fucking livid. How dare he waste my time like that. Actually, he got the tube to my place but I really didn't want him there anymore as the damage had been done. I've sent him home.

I was very hot and am slightly stressed at the moment and not sure if I am over-reacting. Could you give me some perspective? There are also possibly some cultural issues at play here. Could it be normal to do this in some cultures?

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 22/08/2018 20:24

He fell asleep where? At work? Very odd?

Zofloramummy · 22/08/2018 20:24

!

Oddcat · 22/08/2018 20:26

How can you lend someone a car that's not yours ? How come your bf didn't know ? Sounds a bit odd. I don't believe he fell asleep either .

Oddcat · 22/08/2018 20:28

Forgot to say , dump him , a new relationship shouldn't be this difficult.

Original poster
WishIwasanastronaut · 22/08/2018 20:28

No sorry - I had worked an 8 hour day and he had just done 4 hours work this morning; then he went home, ate a big meal and fell asleep.

I find it appalling that a 46 year old man is incapable of a) controlling when/whether he sleeps, b) setting an alarm clock and c) prioritising an appointment.

I am really fucking cross about it.

OP posts:
Weejo39 · 22/08/2018 20:29

Dump him and move on. Red flags all over the place with that story...

dirtybadger · 22/08/2018 20:29

I fall asleep very easily (apart from at night of course!) because I'm anaemic. But even I couldn't fall asleep waiting for a lift! You can tell when you're drifting off,and I would set an alarm for 10 mins or whenever. Assuming he doesn't have narcolepsy no idea how he manages to be asleep for so long. Over 30 mins!? If he was asleep on a chair or something he was definitely wake up within that time.

dirtybadger · 22/08/2018 20:29

Also the car thing. HIS car? Isn't that TWOC? Smells like BS

MsHomeSlice · 22/08/2018 20:30

he hasn't got an ex, he is still in a relationship and thinks you are so stupid that you will believe he "fell asleep"

Move on, OP, move on!

BruceAndNosh · 22/08/2018 20:30

I'd be more concerned that his ex isn't really an ex

Goostacean · 22/08/2018 20:31

Toooooo much hard work. And this is when he’s meant to be on his best behaviour! It sounds very fishy to me, I reckon move on...

mimibunz · 22/08/2018 20:31

I don’t believe him. The story about the ex lending his car to someone? Wtf? He sounds shady to me, and a bad liar!

SendintheArdwolves · 22/08/2018 20:33

Yeah, I agree - doesn't sound like this ex is very ex. Something else was going on that meant he couldn't answer his phone or come out and meet you.

Abd he's insulting your intelligence - he had the whole tube ride over to come up with something better than "I fell asleep".

Original poster
WishIwasanastronaut · 22/08/2018 20:37

i know that his ex is his ex. I know their son.

She is insured on the car so she can take the son to football when he's working.

They do still live in each others' pockets a bit but my ex is a bit like that too and we've been apart 4 years. I'm not unduly worried about that. Plus the fact she's out of the country atm.

But the sleep thing is strange and fucking annoying. I would be so ashamed if that happened to me. I told him to see a doctor urgently if it really happened.

Gutted. I have been on my own for 4 years and he's the only guy I have been remotely interested in :(

OP posts:
PuntCuffin · 22/08/2018 21:00

I could easily fall asleep after a big meal on a warm day if I am tired. And being asleep, I wouldn’t notice the messages until I woke up again. My phone is often on silent as well. I don’t see what is so shameful about falling asleep, or that he needs to see a doctor about it Confused

Sounds like you have decided it isn’t worth it for you though, so move on.

HollowTalk · 22/08/2018 21:02

He sounds really flaky and as though he's lying to you. He's old enough to not change - I'd dump him.

Original poster
WishIwasanastronaut · 22/08/2018 21:07

PuntCuffin would you easily fall asleep though if someone you thought the world of had driven out of their way to pick you up at an agreed time? I find it quite disrespectful of my time (and being a ft single mum of 2, it's not as if I have lot of it).

WRT your second comment about moving on, I think you have misunderstood me - I would love nothing more than to make this work, which is exactly why I have posted - I was hoping everyone would tell me I have overreacted. Instead all except you have said the opposite :(

OP posts:
sleep5 · 22/08/2018 21:12

I've fallen asleep before like that when very tired. Maybe he's had trouble sleeping and felt very relaxed when he got to yours.

MMmomDD · 22/08/2018 21:18

OP - I can see how falling asleep like that can happen - I am a bad sleeper at night, and sometimes when really tired, etc - it can happen that I don’t hear noises, etc....

However you do sound quite adamant that this is unforgivable. So - it doesn’t come through as you wanting to find a way for it to work....

Just as a question - why would you drive over after an 8 hour work day - where there is a tube available - and he only worked 4 hours in the morning ?????

PerverseConverse · 22/08/2018 21:20

Your gut is telling you this isn't right. The sleep might be s red herring but it's caused you to sit up and question the relationship. I think it's the disrespect involved. He would t have allowed himself to fall asleep and miss work or miss something with his dc so why should he not make the same effort for you? You deserve better. There's probably other red flags if you think about things. Why his ex needs to be on his insurance to ferry the son about if he's at work is odd. Sounds like they are still emotionally married in some ways. Not worth your time Thanks

TastelesslyDone · 22/08/2018 21:21

Depends a lot on whether it’s an isolated incident, or whether stuff like this happens often. Also whether he was expecting a pick up at a specific time, had any extenuating circumstances that would lead to being particularly exhausted, etc. Difficult to draw any conclusions from the initial post, especially as I misread it in the first instance (I read it as you were picking him up from work and he didn’t emerge).

ShatnersWig · 22/08/2018 23:08

I've got B12 deficiency and one of the things that it does with me is make me suddenly very tired after eating (unless a very light meal). I often wake up having sat down after eating and find I've been asleep for half an hour or so. If I'm on company and chatting, like at a restaurant it's fine because the conversation stimulates me to keep me awake. Home alone? 8 out of 10 times I zonk, and half of those times I'm not aware it's happened until I wake up

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 22/08/2018 23:13

What cultural issues?

ChimesAtMidnight · 22/08/2018 23:23

ShatnersWig - Thank You ! I’m exactly the same and have always thought I’m a lazy sod. Can’t eat more than a salad without wanting to sleep. I had no idea about the B12 connection. Off to investigate now.

dragonflyflew · 23/08/2018 00:34

I have fibromyalgia and fall asleep a lot when I'm not at work. I nearly didn't hear the doorbell tonight when ex brought the kids home as was asleep. This has happened before and he's had to take time off work to look after them until I wake up.
Flip side of the coin though: guys ive known who fall asleep have often been drunk, drugged or lying....

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