Tips for female friendships

[Mayagoldchoc]

I've always struggled with female friendships. I have a few, but only one is currently in regular contact, and the others are very intermittent. I often feel that I struggle to connect with people and struggle to open up to friends and move towards a closer friendship. I have been struggling with feeling lonely particularly since having my children and struggling to make mum friends. Nct group didn't go anywhere and only met loose aquaintances at baby groups. I've basically given up as we'll be moving within the next 6 months/ year, but I'd really like to get get at making closer friends at least for when we move! Next stop knitting group after moving I think! I feel a bit down about it.

I do feel that I struggle with the unwritten rules of social interaction too. A couple of times recently I've have a few nice chats with another mum and then overheard them befriending another mum and making plans to meet! I know not to take it personally, but it's a bit disheartening as it proves that they're up for mum friendships - I know not everyone is - just not with me! This is what makes me say I'm bad at going beyond aquaintance level and building intimacy in general. I know I should ask them for coffee but I've misread the signals before and ended up being ghosted by a member of my nct group. Joined an app for mums but got ghosted straight away and couldn't hack it unfortunately!

I have nothing wise to add, but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! I always feel like there’s some kind of invisible field that stops me from opting up to people and then when I try to (because that’s what you’re supposed to do!) I feel like I probably got it wrong!

You sound lovely and hopefully you’ll get some great advice here.

Watching with interest as I am exactly the same!

I find myself in the same situation, I really try at these groups and just find some people make friends really easy and I just don't. I try to get involved in conversations but don't feel "part of it" and my NCT was the same. We all met up for a bit then it dwindled off when people went back to work somehow - I'm not in touch with any of them.

Dd is 3 and quite challenging and we did get invited to the park once but my daughter pulled her daughters hair and coat as she was excited and wanted to play but then 2hrs later she text me after and said she thought it would be better if we didn't meet again as her dd was upset.

My dd much prefers her own company really, the whole thing is really difficult and I worry about her making friends too.

I'm pregnant again now and just hope this time round I make some friends at some of these groups so I totally understand how you're feeling

Thanks for your replies. At least I'm not alone. It can feel like everyone else is doing better but I'm sure it's not the case.

Bellabutterfly2016: sorry to hear about that time at the park. My daughter can be lively too. I'm sure you're daughter will make friends when she's older.

FairyLightFiend: thank you for your kind words, and I know how you feel about getting it wrong! We can't be the only ones who feel like this.

I could have written your post! Everytime I make a female friend, it ends up going wrong so I’ve given up now! Can’t be bothered to keep trying. I’ve got my kids, my mother and Netflix. That will have to do!

Yeah me too. I have got in mouth syndrome - always coming out with weird/inappropriate comments. Hoped to make more female friends after becoming a mum but hasn't really happened.

Luckily I have a couple of really good friends I've knows since I was 3 but we live so far apart and although we text we can't see each other very often. I haven't been on the other side of the fence but it feels like I t makes it worse to know what I'm missing.

Same here! I just don't get how some women just seem to gel with everyone and have loads of friends for play dates/nights out. Mine has been a combination of shyness/not wanting to look too needy, working part time so missing out on the regular/impromptu meet ups my SAHM friends do during the week, different timetables of nursery/preschool/classes and bad luck with a couple of good friends relocating. The school mums seem a nice bunch so far, so making loads of effort but worried that as usual it won't pay off

Many years ago now, our youngest is 16, DW & I tried the local NCT group too but they were quite cliquey and awfully competitive, IYKWIM Although DW BF through the day and early morning I was giving a bottle of formula overnight (so DW could get some sleep) and when we happened to mention it we were basically pariahs with warnings over teat confusion and so on! (It never happened BTW) That was one of several things but it sealed it for us which was a shame as DW was suffering terribly with PND which might have been eased a little if she'd had more friends to mix with.

In all honesty we never really found it easy to befriend other mums/dads, even at primary school age there was a clique of mums who had all grown up together and everyone else was an outsider.

I know it doesn't solve anything for you but I think that what you are experiencing is very common, not restricted to women and that the best friendships tend to be those that continue through you having children rather than those due to being thrown together by virtue of you both having children.

I am in the same boat, but I don't have children. I was actually hoping that when we do, things would be a lot easier!!

I have, however, thought a lot about this, and my 2c is that people do put themselves out there a lot more, they reach out, invite, organize, plan, and a lot of times they get few responses and rejections, but once they have a momentum going it becomes a lot easier. Right now for me talking to a woman in my yoga class is harder than asking someone on a date.

I also find it difficult to participate in conversations where there are more than 4 people involved. I can't "hold court" to save my life!

I think the problem that gets in the way of female friendships is jealousy. So many people have fallen out with me, because of they get annoyed with my depression and can't understand why I get depressed. Other times it's just been jealousy I think. Men are more simple and just don't put up with crap.

This is sort of the subject of this months Red mag agony column.

It's handled well by Philippa Perry, she asks about your relationship with your mum, her friends and so on.

I can give some tips that I think helped me make friends? Some of this I had to learn through experience!

I can’t hold court either but have made lots of friends. Ive stayed close to a few that I’ve really got on with. It’s often hard to find people you really connect with.

Be really interested in people but without being nosey. So don’t ask personal questions but ask questions about things that come up in conversations. Don’t interrupt people.

Be interesting. Know what’s going on in the world and locally. Read your local papers on line as well as news sites. Read and watch stuff that you’re interested in. If you like reality tv, watch it. If you’re into literature, read more. Just be informed and have interests.

Go out to places. Experiences make people more interesting I find.

I know appearances shouldn’t matter but I found that they do when you’re initially trying to meet people. Even if it just gives you more confidence, wear clothes that fit well and have nice hair.

Smile a lot and don’t moan.

Yes it's shocking how people treat you when you don't bother looking smart.

But I’m not interested in friends who only like me when I smile and dress smartly.

You've described exactly how I feel too OP! I can do social chit chat with people but struggle getting closer and building stronger bonds.

I discovered in counselling last year, it probably all stems back to attachment relationships with my parents. I'm not close to them or have a close bond, so in short I don't have a blueprint for how to build close relationships with other people. I feel ridiculously lonely sometimes. It sucks.

You're not alone

Find people into the same things as you.
I don't go for coffee etc with people (apart from my sibling and DP). Find it awkward. Do other things where not being good at chat is less important.

I am interested in lots of things so meet people doing actual activities. Sports, (informal and formal clubs), volunteering with an animal charity, some direct action groups, local wildlife conservation, etc.

I have met loads of cool and bad ass women in the above. I think it's a long shot that you connect with people at a toddler group or whatever if your main connection is just that you both have DC.

If you don't get much time away from DC then find something you can both do but that isn't just for DC. I have volunteered raising money for charity on stalls etc where lots of mums have brought their kids along to help out too.

I'm the same OP but I have accepted it must be me as it always happens. I have observed popular people and the things that they do that I don't are as follows: appear to like groups (I really don't so little wonder the nct groups and alike didn't work out), they are good at hiding their feelings and being smiley and nice to everyone (let's just say I have been told my feelings are written all over my face) and they make you feel liked and avoid confrontation so are normally neutral on most things.They also tend to organise things.

I had a bit of a knock back this year when I was rejected by a group of mums in the playground. I felt like crap for a long time afterwards. Really questioned myself and what faux pas I had committed. I think in retrospect it was probably the lack of a poker face and the feeling that I didn't really like many of them that much. There was lots of not so stealth boasting going on around inheritances, holiday destinations and what they were doing and I could see it. I think I probably had some sort of look of on my face without really thinking so. One of the women in that group was a popular type. She was prone to a bit a of not so stealth boasting herself but was always upbeat and friendly to everyone. She was the one who initially invited me for coffee but then stopped. I thought of her as a friend but soon realised she had a knack of making everyone feel that way but in reality I was no more than an acquaintance. I think that is the problem with people like that, I always get the feeling that you don't know what they really think about you which I struggle with as I like to feel I have a connection with people I think of as friends and I get confused when I realise it wasn't what I thought it was..

DH is always telling me I expect too much of people. I suppose I do as I like to treat people well but sadly find alot of other people don't return the same. I am always amazed at some of the comments made by so called friends, mostly female I have to say but not exclusively.

I really am waffling so I apologise. Having had the summer holidays to mull over the school mum situation I have decided I need to be smiler and friendlier , develop a poker face even if it feels a bit false, accept people warts and all, take on board that saying that you can count true friends on one hand so place less importance on the actions of other people. Or just accept I don't actually like that many people and they in turn don't like me.

I also think we need to acknowledge that having children is not a recipe for life long friendships. We made friends with a few couples when our eldest started primary school. By the end of primary I felt the friendships had moved on as they were competitive and constantly talked about how brainy their kids were and how much their house was worth. I missed them to begin with but now I am more than happy. They have been replaced by a couple of other women who are much nicer.

My only issue is that I think dd1 is very much like me. She has very few friends and says she's not keen on people. I do feel guilty about that.

Reading for tips!

I felt a bit like this when my children were small but am fine now. These are my tips:

1. Chat to people on the fringes of groups or one their own. They're probably a bit like you.
2. Get around as much as possible, whether it's work, volunteering, hobbies, sports or baby groups. If you manage just one acquaintance in each group it gives you a more sociable existence and will probably lead to some becoming close friends in time.

It's easy to get discouraged but if you are moving somewhere new you do need to put yourself out there and risk rejection. I am in this boat. There was a mum I thought I got on with and we met up sometimes after a class we went to. When I suggested we meet up in the hols she said, 'lovely', then when I texted to arrange she said, ' unfortunately I am busy every day'. ! I

You will probably get brush offs more than you will get uptakes of invites and then only a minority of those will lead to friendships. That is just the way it is.
Yes, there are a few people everyone likes. But probably most of us find that we only really form friendships with a few people we hit it off with.
The advise I was given before I moved? Go to everything, never turn down an invite or opportunity, even if you are tired. This is true, but you also have to bit the bullet - chat to people in the park, ask people you seem to get on with if they would like to meet up. Don't be discouraged from keeping on trying with other people whne you get hte brush off. If you give up, you sure will never make friends. Offer to help people out - your offers probably won't be acepted but people like the offer being made. Go to things you are interested in. You are more likely to meet people like you there. Good luck.

How about turning it round a bit, OP, and assessing them rather than yourself? I think sometimes we are so anxious to be liked, or merely noticed, that in putting on a performance for others' benefit we forget to look at whether we actually like the people we're trying to impress. You need to do a lot more observing and work out if they're interesting people to you or not most of the time the answer is no Trust me, you feel a lot less lonely on your own than you do in a group you have nothing in common with where you're desperately trying to fit in.

I'm also in the same boat. My DP reckons when we have DC I'll probably meet friends through NCT groups and mums groups and I hope I do. I've been in the UK for a couple of years now and haven't been able to make any solid friendships, just a few acquaintances which is disappointing because I've tried with DP's friends partners/wives, joined groups etc. and nothing has worked out yet.

The one thing that helped me was not caring. Think people smell desperation. The day l didn't bother any more and genuinely just relaxed and didn't care things changed. I found friends where l least expected to find them.
When my dc were young l hated mother / toddler things. I had nothing in common with the dms. They were all" cool" anti vacination anti medical anti education etc types. I was a SAHM but previously a teacher and married to a health professional. They acted like l was the enemy. I went because ds loved it.
Try and relax and absolutely expect nothing. Just be interested in the conversation for its own sake. See what happens.