Worried about DPs daughter being bullied for being smelly

[PikaPikaTink]

DP has two daughters, the eldest of which is going into secondary school this year. She has always been a bit of a shower dodger which is a running joke which she laughs along with but in the past few months she has shot up in height and is starting to look like beautiful young woman rather than a cute little girl and has unfortunately started to get a bit whiffy. I am worried that she is going get picked on when she starts her new school as she isn’t going with many children that she knows and I know that she has struggled with friendships in the past.

I brought her a basket of stuff for our bathroom, including deodorant, shower gel, bubble bath and sanitary towels just in case (as far I know she doesn’t need them yet but I wanted her to be able to just use them without having to ask if she needs to). I also included things like moisturiser, hair mascara etc. so it wasn’t all about her smelling. She has only used the hair mascara and fun glittery stuff.

I have raised it with DP who will tell her to have a bath when she smells but seems reluctant to tackle the issue of needing to shower before you actually reek, especially before school. I am sure her mum must have noticed but she often smells quite pungent when she arrives and when asked she will cheerfully admit that the last time she had a bath or shower was 2 or 3 days ago.

Does anyone have any experience of this? She is getting a bit old to be chivvied into washing and I am seriously concerned about other children’s reactions to her at her new school. I was bullied myself so maybe I am worrying unduly but children can be very cruel. I don’t want to overstep the mark when really I think her parents should be tackling this but if they don’t she will be the one that suffers. Is she likely naturally grow out of it?

Just want to clarify it's the daughter that is pungent not her mum. Dps ex has good personal hygiene as far as I'm aware so I'm not sure where the girl gets her shower dodging ways from.

She’s not too old to be chivvied into washing.

She isn’t washing, which means she needs to be chivvied into washing. Honestly, she’s being failed if none of the adults in her life are managing to teach her basic hygiene.

You only need to read the numerous threads on MN about adults with no clue about personal hygiene to understand how important it is to teach it to children.

I’m afraid I’m not into the softly softly approach when it comes to things like this. I would tell my child in no uncertain terms that they smell and they need to shower daily, and they’ll struggle to make friends at school if they stink.

Do you have a good relationship with her mum? Or does your DH? I would speak to her, and also gently speak to your stepdaughter and explain why daily washing is important.

You should raise it. My family are soap dodgers and, being the blissfully naive teenager that I was, I had no idea that I smelled dirty because it was normal to me.

All it took for me was my Aunt having a casual conversation about growing up, hormones and needing to wash my pits and bits each day and use deodorant because "we don't want to be smelly and have people be nasty about it" I have washed/showered every day since!

As far as I know, she didn't have the same conversation with my brother who is still a soap dodger and reeks to high heaven at 29.

I think you're very kind for getting her the basket of stuff. Ideally it would be her mum teaching her about hygiene, but failing that you should give your DP a kick up the bum to do it. Though if you have a good relationship with her it's not out of the question for you to have a word.

If she wants to be clean and fragrant, she will shower. I am sure she will when she starts school and the boys call her something horrid like 'skank' or 'rank.

Dsd you smell.
Get a good wash or you will have no friends..
It's called tough love.

That's kind of you to buy all those things for her. I think you and the mum should speak to the girl, explain that now that she's growing up, she needs to shower every day or she will smell nasty and other kids will tell her. Perhaps when she realises that she's smelly, she'll take note. Good luck.

OP - i’d stay out of it.
Don’t try to be her mother, it’s not your job.
This is a difficult age. Kids at this age are all getting stubborn and hormones start acting up.
If you want a good relationship with her - don’t get involved into putting more pressure on her.

She won’t be the only one with that issue at the school - reluctance to bath; not used to deodorant yet - many of the kids this age are like that. And she’ll figure it out. With her parents help.

I have a daughter her age, and showering is struggle too.
😂🙁

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson Aunt had the right idea I’d try that.

I am sure she will when she starts school and the boys call her something horrid like 'skank' or 'rank.

This is what I want to avoid. If she gets a reputation for smelling in the beginning she might never shake it off.

Don’t try to be her mother, it’s not your job.

I don't want to be her mother but equally I don't want to stand back when I can see she is behaving in a way that is detrimental to her.

Dsd you smell.
Get a good wash or you will have no friends..
It's called tough love.

When she arrives stinky I will tell her to get in the bath as she is smelly and she will with a bit of a fight but I think the issue is more that she gets to such a stinky state before she washes. I can't imagine what the other children will make of her if she turns up on her first day of school having not washed for 3 days which I wouldn't put past her.

I definitely would try to sort it before she gets to school, she may not shake the smelly label.

I still remember George - stink George from primary. You need to tell her that EVERYONE notices stinkers

OP - it’s teally up to you....
But you don’t sound like you have your own kids that age... Many of them smell these days - it’s a function of puberty onset having moved to younger age.

And do sound a bit on the controlling side.
She is NOT your daughter. She has her own mother who’s job it is to sort this out. Who may already be having fights with her daughter about it.
But - somehow - you don’t seem to trust her parents to sort this and you feel the need to involve yourself.
This can only backfire, eventually. And will affect your relationship with her, and, possibly your partner. But you don’t seem to care.
What next? What if later your don’t like her style of clothing or hair and her parents don’t say anything?

I not only have a daughter her age, but also had a step parent back in the day.
And I know that there are boundaries one shouldn’t cross...

I’m angry with both her parents.
Well done you for trying to help her.

I think you’ve got to be clear. “DSD this is an awkward conversation to have but I love you so I need to tell you that now you are older: you are beginning to smell bad on a regular basis, and if you don’t tackle it I am worried you will be bullied at senior school. You must shower every day, and put deodorant on. It’s not something you can get away with doing every few days anymore, the smell gets quite unpleasant. I love you and I don’t want this to hold you back or cause you problems.”

DH needs to sit her down and explain that as she is getting older that she needs to was h daily because part of growing up is that your hormones change and you smell more quickly than as a child.

I would happily say this to my DC if I needed to

Just keep telling her that she needs a shower everyday and that she needs to start using deodorant.

If she is a bit smelly at 11 I would worry also. IME, most teens start to get whiffy about the same time 12/13 but also start noticing some of their peers are spraying Linx or Impulse about so usually start washing to fall in with their friends, rather than because you have nagged them. Also becoming attracted to other people.

As she is only 11sih, all you can do is keep reminding and following through.

I had a problem with this as a teenager. Growing up we didn't shower every day, so I was never in the habit. My parents showered before work every day before we got up, but the kids had evening baths a few times a week and flannel washes the rest of the time, so it never really occured to me I needed to start showering more, if that makes sense? That's what adults did for work and I wasn't an adult going to work, I was a kid.

Then puberty hit and I started to smell, and after a while my mam started saying to me that I smelled bad sometimes. I was incredibly embarrassed, and started washing more with a flannel, putting on deodorant every few hours, but I was still being told I smelled. It wasn't for some time that I realised that it was partly because I bathed at night but didn't apply deodorant until I got dressed in the morning, and then partly because my clothes were retaining the smell, and it wasn't until I went away to uni that it clicked that my friends were fully showering daily and that I should now be doing the same.

I now know that I need to have an evening bath or shower and then apply one of the 24h deodorants and leave to dry overnight, I use the dove one. I then spray with a normal dove spray deodorant in the morning and add perfume. This keeps my clothing smelling nice as well, however if I miss the evening deodorant and something starts getting smelly, it needs a very hot wash to make it fresh again, a normal wash isn't enough and was part of the problem as my clothes were just washed with the family clothes so were never fully smell free. As soon as they warmed up I could smell them again.

I'm glad your step daughter has someone willing to help her with this. My dad wouldn't have known where to start and I would have hated that, and if her mam isn't bothered she may not want to help her. Don't be rude or blunt as others have suggested, it's incredibly embarrassing as a kid to not know how to solve the problem because I don't think adults always realise that kids won't automatically work some of this stuff out. Talk to her sensitively about washing, applying deodorant, and making sure to wear clean clothes daily. Let her know that if she's doing all that and still has a problem you can buy the strong deodorant or make a doctor's appointment to discuss further. Ask her if she would rather be told if she's getting a bit whiffy or if she already knows, I always hated being told as I was well aware, but nothing I was trying was working. And hair washing is important as greasy hair smells as well.

@MMmomDD I am sorry that you didn't have a good relationship with your step-mother but we're not all out to cause harm to the children. I remember having having my head smashed against a locker for having frizzy hair at school and there was a "smelly" girl in my year who regularly got the shit kicked out of her to the point that she was bleeding. I am not concerned because I want to control her I am concerned because I love her and because I know what secondary schools can be like. If you don't think this could cause her serious harm you must have gone to a very different school to the one I did.
I am sure that I will hate many of her hair styles and clothes as she becomes and teenager and I will say nothing. Just as I said nothing when she went through a phase of wearing luminous JoJo bows on her head.

Other posters - thank you for not assuming that I am an evil step-mother trying to muscle in so I can can control her life. I am going to raise it with DP again. He agrees with me that she needs to wash more but I don't think he knows how to approach it. I will suggest the direct approach as @Cardiganandcuppa kindly suggested.

Thank you @MrsRubyMonday. She has never really liked washing herself in the time that I have known her. Her younger sister doesn't smell yet but will take herself off for a bath or shower but I think the only time I have seen her wash herself without prompting is when she fell over in some mud a few years ago. We went to a festival together during the heatwave and she didn't even want to have a shower before we took her back to her mum's and she had been in 30+ degree heat for at least 3 days without washing!

OP, you are trying to do the right thing.

I have a DSD who is 13. We have her (and her brother EOW, half holidays etc).

The kids only bath twice a week at mums. My OH says his EW had a big BO problem. By the time the kids get to us their hair in greasy and they smell. My OH has tried to raise it with mum but she won’t have any of it.

So our house, our rules (which my OH enforces). They shower and wash EOD at ours. If mum wants to enforce IMO poor hygiene, that’s fine. We’re trying to teach good hygiene. My 13 year old DSD won’t brush her teeth herself - has to be told a couple of times.

I’m hoping peer pressure kicks in soon.

I still have to nag my youngest dd2 12 and my ds2 15, to shower.
They will go if i nag. Whereas dd1 16 and ds1 19, cant keep them out of the shower.

I’m with you on this one OP. I’m a secondary school teacher and often have to have a word with kids in private about their personal hygiene. It’s generally obvious that no one at home has broached the topic with them and they usually improve pretty quickly. You need to pull your DP up on this though. She will get bullied or ostracised at secondary if she smells, no question, and as you’ve said yourself, it’s a hard label to shake once you’ve got the reputation as the smelly kid. DP needs to back you up and show a united front on this one so that her mum can’t make it seem like you’re an overbearing stepmother (which it doesn’t sound like you are).

Im 31. I STILL remember 'smelly stephan' in primary school. Gosh, even thinking back my heart breaks because i can still see his little face full of sadness and how isolated he was from everyone. I wouldnt ever wish that upon anyone. Ever. That was primary school. I can't even imagine how secondary school was for him. We have no idea what school he went to after year 6.

Force her into a bath/shower every night if u have to. Or get DP to force her into it. Shes not too old to be told. She will need a set routine for school. Start it now.