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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH can't cope with unruly DD

37 replies

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:12

She's 9 and can be the sweetest thing but then whiney, very cheeky - answers back, has frequent major tantrums at the slightest thing. . The list goes on. She can't be reasoned with - she just blocks you. She's always been like this. School is fine - no issues there except for the fact that she really struggles with maths and English and is behind her peers with that. Her sister 10 yrs is completely the opposite and is a high flyer at school. The problem is, I'm trying to help her but I'm constantly on egg shells with DH about it. He just can't cope with her and we end up falling out and he sulks at me and the girls. Typical example, yesterday she had a fall out with dd1 whilst we were out (we're on holiday). During her stomp, she waked past dh and gave him her sulky look. This set him off and basically, it's been hell since (he's shut himself off). I'm at my wits end. I sometimes (often) wonder if I should take the girls and leave. In truth, it's been going on for years. I thought things might get better in time but they haven't. I don't know how to go about leaving or what effect this would have on them.

OP posts:

pippop1317 · 21/08/2018 17:15

So he behaves like a child and then wonders why his child won't be parented by him?

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/08/2018 17:17

So he acts out, and she copies in her own way. Imagine being the imperfect child whose father expects her to be perfect.

She's the child, but he acts like one! Poor little thing.

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:19

Yes. I find myself always trying to get her to apologise to him for her behaviour to keep the peace. I look at other parents and see how they cope when their child is being difficult. My life is not like that. .

OP posts:

PassionFruitPop · 21/08/2018 17:20

Dad is supposed to be the stable authority...
Not a third child?

He seriously needs to understand she's just a child and he's her father and has to learn how to be a strong presence/guidance in your daughter's life no matter how she behaves she's 9!!

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:23

I have tried telling him that countless times

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 21/08/2018 17:25

I think there's a good chance her behaviour would improve without him around, and that even if it didn't, you'd at least find it easier to cope with without him around.

TroubledLichen · 21/08/2018 17:25

During her stomp, she waked past dh and gave him her sulky look. This set him off and basically, it's been hell since (he's shut himself off).

Sounds like she’s copying her Dad. He’s the problem, not the 9 year old.

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:29

How do I even begin to arrange to leave? Our mortgage is paid. I only work part time. I don't know where to start or what effect this will have on dd1.

OP posts:

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 17:35

Don't leave him just because some people here said so. Is that what YOU want? Why not try couples counselling?

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:46

I've thought about it many times. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Dljlr · 21/08/2018 17:48

Can you lay it out for him that his reactions and behaviour are actually getting you to a point where you are considering leaving? He may not have fully grasped how significant this is

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 17:52

Nothing worse than a sulky man. I’d honestly start packing to go home rather than him waiting to come round.

It sounds like she grinds his gears and the issue is really his. I’d ask him to leave to be honest

sirmione16 · 21/08/2018 17:59

Omg this was like reading my past.... me and my step dad we're exactly like this when I was younger. We have an amazing bond now but a lot has changed - mainly that he was diagnosed with depression (my Mum suspected from a young age that this was why he flew off the handle all the time and used to shut himself away or go out for hours. We went through separate counselling which I strongly believed helped us both through.

I'm sorry I have no advice, and if leaving seems best then trust your gut, but wanted to let you know things worked out for us, he'll call my son grandson and he'll give the speech at my wedding. We're not "father daughter" but we're close, I trust him and respect him for loving my mother.

Best wishes

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 17:59

Is there a good thread anywhere about how to leave? I'm reaching that point.

OP posts:

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 18:02

Thank you Sermione16. They are both so alike - hot headed and stubborn.

OP posts:

Original poster

twocats335 · 21/08/2018 18:02

He says he is depressed

OP posts:

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 22:23

You don't believe him OP?
Depression is an illness. If he's depressed, he needs care compassion and help.

Butterymuffin · 21/08/2018 22:29

I don't disagree Nadia but the OP also needs to protect her daughter.

OP, has he sought out help for his depression?

Kookoo900 · 21/08/2018 22:43

I have a badly behaved childish ex partner and now a teenage child who has learnt all the behaviour and another who cannot spend more than an hour with him without losing the plot because he drives her mad.

I can’t say that she changed her behaviour when we split because it was too late - but it did become easier to cope with when it happened without him making it worse. The example this sets to her is just so poor. She has to apologise to keep giant man baby daddy happy when he throws a tantrum at her throwing a tantrum. He can’t communicate properly and that’s your issue. He’s expecting and demanding too much of the child whilst at the same time shaping bad behaviour and not behaving like a parent with listening, consequences and such like - essentially like a teacher at school would, and how parents should model behaviour. This is how adults behave, this is how you solve a problem, this is how you talk to each other...

AynRandTheObjectivist · 21/08/2018 23:08

I find myself always trying to get her to apologise to him for her behaviour to keep the peace.

Beware of this. It's one thing to get her to apologise if she genuinely owes him an apology (does he apologise when he's a twat?), and it's quite another to make her responsible for her father's moods. He's the adult and the parent. She's 9, and I'm going to guess he's at least 20 years older.

Original poster

twocats335 · 22/08/2018 02:25

Thank you for your replies. He isn't depressed. It's mood swings and I've been with him long enough to know this. When things are not going well for him it's like the world is ending and we all have to suffer.
Regarding dd2 apologising, I do make her apologise to whoever she's upset in the family and believe me, she can be bloody awful with us. My real problem though is dh. When dd's poor behaviour catches him at the wrong time, I have her and him to deal with.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/08/2018 02:46

He needs to learn how to control his behaviour, it's called being an adult.

If he were at work or with friends and something/someone annoyed him, he wouldn't go off in a major sulk as no one would put up with it.
His family, who are supposed to be the most important people in the world to him, shouldn't have to put up with it either!

I'd tell him straight that he needs to stop sulking and that it's negatively affecting the whole family. If he's really depressed and can't control his moods, he needs to seek help.

If he makes an effort to change, support him; if not, he's made his choice and you'll make yours as to whether to stay with him.

Sisterlove · 22/08/2018 03:14

Would parenting classes be helpful for him?

Mary1935 · 22/08/2018 06:37

Yes sister love I was thinking the same thing re parenting classes. If you call your local council they may have them running from time to time. Or call your local health visiting team?
I’d just be concerned that yes she’s only 9 BUT her behaviour is going to get a whole lot worse isn’t it.
What about some family therapy (systemic). You and your partner could go together. He probably has views on how children should be or he may not have a clue how to deal with her or he maybe a man Child!!!
His own childhood will be coming into play somewhere in this.
You and he could go first and then talk to the therapist and see if both your girls want to go.
Do your children have more positive male role models in their life.
Good luck.

Turkkadin · 22/08/2018 07:46

You said her behaviour was fine at school and bad at home. This is telling you what you need to know. Her bad behaviour is fed by his.

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