DH can't cope with unruly DD

[twocats335]

She's 9 and can be the sweetest thing but then whiney, very cheeky - answers back, has frequent major tantrums at the slightest thing. . The list goes on. She can't be reasoned with - she just blocks you. She's always been like this. School is fine - no issues there except for the fact that she really struggles with maths and English and is behind her peers with that. Her sister 10 yrs is completely the opposite and is a high flyer at school. The problem is, I'm trying to help her but I'm constantly on egg shells with DH about it. He just can't cope with her and we end up falling out and he sulks at me and the girls. Typical example, yesterday she had a fall out with dd1 whilst we were out (we're on holiday). During her stomp, she waked past dh and gave him her sulky look. This set him off and basically, it's been hell since (he's shut himself off). I'm at my wits end. I sometimes (often) wonder if I should take the girls and leave. In truth, it's been going on for years. I thought things might get better in time but they haven't. I don't know how to go about leaving or what effect this would have on them.

Hi op your dd sounds a little like mine she's 8 and I'm currently looking at the possibility she has ODD we as parents find her very challenging on occasion and I too had thought about whether we should split the family for our sanity (only when she's at her worst) could it be possible she has ODD? temper tantrums rage defiance being difficult causing trouble are all part of Odd x

Oh and my dd is also fine at school no issues which is another characteristic of Odd only showing traits at home

Could ye have family therapy? Sounds like dd1 is the golden child here and dd2 the scapegoat. Your dh is blaming her for his moods instead of looking at himself. Mood changes can be part of depression so he needs to see a doctor and get some help for that. If he says he is depressed then he is. Instead of him dealing with that all focus is on dd2. She would improve immensely if he had help for his depression. The focus is on the wrong person.

Nah there must be something else going on here, you don’t leave someone because they ‘sulk’ when their child is badly behaved.
You yourself said she can be whiney, cheeky and have major tantrums.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
We've spoken about it this morning. He says sometimes when there is a trigger, he dips into depression for a couple of days and doesn't know why our how to stop it. He doesn't think the gp would be able to help but I've suggested he should try. The nurse practitioner was great with me when I saw her (because of him!).
Mossop17, I'm intetested to know about ODD - I've not heard of that but I've wondered for a long time if dd2 has an undiagnosed problem. I've seen the school nurse but got nowhere.

@twocats335 "both hot headed and stubborn". This was us to a T

I almost want to put you in contact with my Mum! Only as an adult now I see how hard it was for her having to balance her loyalty and love between me and him. I sympathise hugely.

He may not be depressed, I only stated as this was our situation, not a suggestion he is :)

Twocats he knows going to the doctor won’t work because he isn’t depressed for two days and then not

He is in a major strop, in which he likes to punish his wife a kids, then when he comes out of it - all is good.

He is abusive

My son was the model student at school but a nightmare at other times especially on holiday. Discovered he has high functioning Aspergers. Holidays were a source of stress for him. Plus what I saw him as being cheeky or answering back was him being literal and saying things which popped into head and part of his Aspergers diagnosis.

Bipolar type 2?

www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-1-vs-bipolar-2

Twocats my child dd is 8 odd is most commonly found in children under 10 I think and less common in girls so harder to spot. Some traits include being a model kid at school but a massive pain at home. My dd had such rage on occasion will try to run away will trash her room we can take things away for consequences but nothing bothers her it's so frustrating when there's no bargaining tools! I started looking at adhd but she didn't match the behaviours then i started reading about odd and yup she ticks most boxes. Hey behaviour had also been like it for yrs but you make allowances oh the terrible two's oh she's just being unique knows get own mind is strong willed etc etc but now I think there is definitely more to it. A recent breakthrough for us was finding her outbursts are triggered by hunger. She can't see the link herself so won't say but mum I'm hungry that's down to me to pick up on and I'm not always successful especially when I've not seen her all day and someone else is watching her. I've started keeping a diary too of behaviour and food as I'll need some sort of proof that there's something going on long term and not a phase. Google odd for a list of behaviours and if it looks possible there's a face book group to support you based in the UK. (Much of what I found online was based in america) good luck twocats x

Thank you so much. We're home from holiday tomorrow thankfully. I'm going to push to have her behaviour looked into more and as for dh.. I just don't know yet what to do.