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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I fancy my abusive ex.

35 replies

Ax688 · 21/08/2018 16:05

Ok I will try keep this as brief as possible.

Me and ex were together for 10 years.
For years our relationship was abusive. More him to me but eventually I did start to retaliate. He has called me every name under the sun, hated all my friends and family. Has threatened to kill me, put me In hospital etc. It took me several years of wanting to leaving and finally plucking up the courage to leave. I thought once I had left, It would get better.

The problem seems to be that when he collects the children we can't keep out hands off each other.

We always had sex. Even though the relationship was toxic and it was good. Now sex is even better.

How can I stop the feeling of seeing him and being so strongly attracted to this man who has destroyed me??
I want to see him as his personality and the way he treated me. Ugly and disgusting. A Bully.

Has anyone been through this? Fancied there abusive ex?
We both can't help ourselves and he agrees. We are completely toxic and dysfunctional and bad for each other.

Why is the attraction there?? I spent years crying my eyes out and being heartbroken by this man.

What can I do to get over it? I feel I won't have this attraction to any other man. I don't want to get back with him in anyway shape of form.

Am I a lost cause? None of my friends understand and I don't either.
😔

Thank you xx

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/08/2018 16:11

Stop seeing him for hangovers. Job done!

You are deliberately putting yourself in a situation where you can sleep with him; like an alcoholic running a brewery.

Friends or family do the handover until you get this addiction in hand.

And where are the kids when you're tearing each other's clothes off? Must be confusing the hell out of them. Stop putting your sex life and inability to say no before your kids.

OpalIridescence · 21/08/2018 16:13

I get it.

I feel a really strong attraction to a man who treated me really badly, who was cruel and ugly to me. I don't understand either, I don't even objectively think he is good looking but the pull is strong.

I suppose part of it may be connected to why we were with them in the first place and why we are attracted to this type of man.

Plus I read about trauma bonding, happens as part of a cycle in an abusive relationship when everything is awful and then you decide to just put it behind you and move on without any thing changing etc. Used to feel so blissful all of a sudden? I'm probably not explaining it well, Google it.

I have not allowed myself any contact with him whatsoever but I can see how you are still in a cycle with him.

TacoFriday · 21/08/2018 16:15

Stop fucking him for a start and start acting like an adult.

OpalIridescence · 21/08/2018 16:22

I think that you might benefit from seeing a councillor to work things out with them.

One of the reasons (apart from my children) I would never allow any thing to happen is that any affection or any action outside a civil and distant interaction with me ex is taken as an invitation to cross boundaries.

If you really are doing this with him then you actually are still in a relationship with him.
You said you spent years crying about him, probably wondering why he treats you so badly? The freedom that comes with not thinking about him is the real freedom, but now you are still wondering about him...why do we do it? Why am I atttacted to him, what should I do?
You are still there. I really would urge you to speak to someone to work it out and put some distance back in place.
As I said I understand the feeling but you need to be in control of it

Original poster

Ax688 · 21/08/2018 16:23

Yes I'm the same. He isn't even that good looking. I will google it.
Thank you for the advice

And for replies to 'stop fucking him '

This is the whole point to my thread.

I don't want to look at him and think 'I want to have sex with you' I just want too look at him and think urghh He makes me sick.

OP posts:

twilightsaga · 21/08/2018 16:23

I have strong attraction to my abusive ex but I'm not sleeping with him. I have very minimal contact and drop dc off to the door I don't go in. He's vile and I am starting to see him as less attractive as time goes on

Original poster

Ax688 · 21/08/2018 16:25

OpalIridescence
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Everyone says to me why would you want to have sex with him. And I can't answer. I just do. I Did think about seeing someone so I guess that's what I will be doing.

OP posts:

noego · 21/08/2018 16:25

An abused person will be drawn to an abuser, because subconsciously they have a need to be loved by the abuser. The abused person, because of the behaviour of the abuser seek this love because the abused doesn't feel good enough and wants nothing more than to please the abuser. It's an extreme version of the pick me dance.
The abused keeps trying and trying and is desperate for the abuser to acknowledge the abused, but the never does. The abuser will give them some hope now and again, so that the abused always believes that there is a chance, but in reality there isn't.
The abused has to realise that this is what is happening and then choose to remove the abuser from their life.
A good therapist would help the abused come to this realisation sooner rather than later.

Original poster

Ax688 · 21/08/2018 16:26

He has finally agreed to not come to mine for pick up and drop off. He would refuse any other arrangements but I stood my grounds and it has worked.

OP posts:

Oct18mummy · 21/08/2018 16:29

This is like Stockholm syndrome, please see someone and break the cycle

OpalIridescence · 21/08/2018 17:07

No problem, I thought it was a brave post.

Very best of luck to you.

mogratpineapple · 21/08/2018 20:58

I suppose whatever it was that attracted you, is still there. Counselling, as others have said, plus find ways to avoid him. Let the family deal with handing over of the children. xx

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 21:03

I think you need to grow up.

Your supposed to showing your kids how normal adults behave and treat each other so they too can grow up in to y’know be normal - instead of knocking ten tons of shit out of theirs partners or being in abusive relationships.

Grow up!

Lynne1Cat · 21/08/2018 21:25

Every time you want to have sex with him, picture this.... your children will have heard every nasty thing you've said to each other, seen every injury he's inflicted, known about you being in hospital, and wondered why the family weren't around. They will wonder why their dad was such a horrible person (I can't say man because he's not a real man).

Try to stop being such a stupid, pathetic, selfish woman, and get yourself a vibrator. Your children deserve better than you or that bastard. Poor kids.

CandyStore · 21/08/2018 21:40

Op look up traumatic bonding and get in touch with woman's aid and do the freedom programme to break the cycle.

twilightsaga · 21/08/2018 21:43

Not sure there's any need for the harsh name calling of OP who is only describing something that happens to a lot of people

Putitallbehindme · 21/08/2018 22:30

You are worth more than this person!
As a woman who is just out of an abusive relationship I totally understand how difficult it is, being with a man you always go back to.

But as the other ladies have said here, you must take the courage and determination to break this cycle.

Leave this horrible person behind you! You can do it.

All the best x

OpalIridescence · 21/08/2018 22:34

Wow, this is why I thought it was a brave post.

FYI 'normal' adults can become victims of abusive relationships. And abusive relationships can take years to recover from and understand, that why they are y'know fucking horrific.

OP started the thread because she knows it's not healthy and is looking for help!

Definitely do the freedom programme, they really understand the very complicated and ingrained behaviours at play here

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 23:05

You need someone else to do the hand overs with the DC. Any relative or friend you can trust. You need to spend at least a few months being completely NC with him to get him out of your system. You will move on from this and realise how much better off you are.

Putitallbehindme · 21/08/2018 23:09

Well said OpalIridescence

GloGirl · 21/08/2018 23:17

I know the "stop fucking him" comment seemed unhelpful but there's a valid point there.

The problem is not that you find him attractive, it's that you keep having sex with him. You're not currently in a relationship with him and although the relationship left it's scars you have to try and see you're responsible in part for the behaviour you have when you are with him from now onwards.

Making a plan of alternative hand overs is a good start. Freedom programme is a great idea. But realise that it's normal to want to be with him, and normal to want to be with someone - but you are in control of your actions and you can and should, say no to sex.

GlacierMints · 21/08/2018 23:29

What would your advice be to this person:

I have a cocaine addiction. It is destroying my life and I want to give up. I'm generally OK but when ever my ex comes to collect the children and I see him, he offers me cocaine and I can't help myself. I take it and I love it but afterwards I'm filled with self-loathing

Abusive relationships can be like an addiction because the devastating lows of the abuse contrast with the huge highs of the hook-you- back in treatment. These high/low cycles frequently exercebate sexual attraction as part of the addiction - it's a form of trauma.

If you know can't stop yourself having sex with him, you need to not see him.

Like cocaine or any addiction, you stay away from the source. Alcoholics don't get better by sitting there with a case of wine in front of them.

Rebecca36 · 21/08/2018 23:34

I have heard so many women say exactly what you have said - even when they've moved on with someone else!

I can't imagine it never having been in that situation but can assure you, it's very common. You obviously brought out the worst in eachother when you were living together but there were good things and you're not living together any more so it's different.

As long as your ex doesn't feel he has some hold over you, or you over him, enjoy it as you would enjoy an affair.

Original poster

Ax688 · 21/08/2018 23:45

'Lynne1Cat

Try to stop being such a stupid, pathetic, selfish woman and get yourself a vibrator. Your children deserve better than you or that bastard. Poor kids.'
_

It's so funny because they are some of the things he would regularly call me.
I would hate to have you as a friend, mum, sister, aunt etc. You horrible person.
It takes a hell of a lot to post a thread for advice and support. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

Have you specifically come on here to abuse someone who has already been abused? You are no better than him or any other abuser.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 21/08/2018 23:58

I don't think Rebecca36's advice is good in this case. The OP is full of self loathing as a result of this and it's not helping her to move on with her life. I also don't think it's good for the children to witness it.

You should definitely make alternative arrangements for the handover, @Ax688

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