I fancy my abusive ex.

[Ax688]

Ok I will try keep this as brief as possible.

Me and ex were together for 10 years.
For years our relationship was abusive. More him to me but eventually I did start to retaliate. He has called me every name under the sun, hated all my friends and family. Has threatened to kill me, put me In hospital etc. It took me several years of wanting to leaving and finally plucking up the courage to leave. I thought once I had left, It would get better.

The problem seems to be that when he collects the children we can't keep out hands off each other.

We always had sex. Even though the relationship was toxic and it was good. Now sex is even better.

How can I stop the feeling of seeing him and being so strongly attracted to this man who has destroyed me??
I want to see him as his personality and the way he treated me. Ugly and disgusting. A Bully.

Has anyone been through this? Fancied there abusive ex?
We both can't help ourselves and he agrees. We are completely toxic and dysfunctional and bad for each other.

Why is the attraction there?? I spent years crying my eyes out and being heartbroken by this man.

What can I do to get over it? I feel I won't have this attraction to any other man. I don't want to get back with him in anyway shape of form.

Am I a lost cause? None of my friends understand and I don't either.
😔

Thank you xx

Thank you to all the supportive comments and advice. It's really appreciated and helps.

I never looked at it as a 'drug' but it sounds exactly like that. I will look into the traumatic bonding. Its nice to know there are people who understated and have been through it. Even if you haven't. And have still offered advice. Thank you.

I have never been able to explain it and I hate that I feel like it. Contact has been stopped. I feel this is a step forward.

Thank you.

Name calling someone who has been abused and is still recovering, when all I have simply done is come on and ask for some advice it shocks me.

Wow!! While reading your op I thought It was about me. I was still sleeping with my ex up until last year when I found out he had a gf.
It was how you describe it, we would have a full on row then not be able to keep our hands off each other, then he'd leave and I would be sat at home crying wondering why I'd let him near me again when he was so abusive and nasty.
I've recently blocked him after not really speaking to him for a few months and I feel so much better in myself, i also think I may take the advice of a pp and do the freedom programme if it's available to me, as I think it may help me in the future.
It's a hard process especially when you have dcs with them, I hope you get the help you need.

I think also if you have been in an abusive relationship that involves trauma bonding for a prolonged period as well as the addiction aspect of it, there can be a comfort in familiarity.

I suspect that there may also be some reason deep down where part of you doesn't want to let go of this man even though rationally you know you should. It could be simple a trauma bond but it might be more complicated - like it serves a purpose of avoiding having to open yourself up to other relationships and rejection, or it is a comforting familiarity due to childhood experiences of rejection or because you are trying to keep open a fantasy of the two of you being a family even though you know it can't happen.

No contact at handover is the first step. Second step a bit of introspective work- counselling or psychotherapy to work out what is keeping you hooked.

I'm afraid you always get the 'keyboard warriors' on here who seem to get some weird kind of buzz out of telling other women the honest truth. It's a kind of moral smugness, I think. Best just to take no notice.

Well done on the steps you've taken so far.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

This.

I honestly wasn't giving advice, just saying it how it is.
If it is happening it might as well be enjoyed.

You shouldn't be getting abused on here OP. Some people find it easy to be nasty online.

Ignore them.

If he said all those things to you, knocked you about, put you in hospital, why would you want your children to see and hear all that? Where are they when you're shagging that bastard? You know nothing about me, but you've put a post on here showing how ridiculous your life is/has been, and you've invited responses. If you don't like what I've said, hard luck. Think of the effect all this has had on your children. Be a good mother.

Do you lack the willpower to not to have sex with everyone you find attractive?

Or just this one man?

Because if it’s just him, then you are making a choice to have sex. Despite being crazy attracted to a person, you still can chose not to fuck him.

The internet can’t tell you why. Talk to a professional.

OP there will always be folk on here that can say what they want to say without speaking to you like shit, but they get some sort of power trip from doing so, so just ignore it.

You need to stay away from this man, you know it's not healthy & the sooner you develop some self restraint, the sooner you will be making steps away from him in the right direction.

Whatever connection you have with him isn't good for you or your family.