Becoming single mum

[user1485859001]

Iv asked on here For advice on the past. I need info please. Iv tried calling info lines before but can never get through or cant get the help I need.

I want to get away from my partner or at least have all the facts.

We have a joint mortgage. Have a 2 and a half year old. Iv gone to stay with my mum with the lo for a few days just to get away. Now he’s demanding I go back next Monday. We have arranged when he will see the lo for the next week until things calm down and I get more info. He is already trying to make changes to those plans. He can be a bit controlling and emotionally abusing. This is part of the reason I can’t see us together anymore.

I would never stop our lo from seeing him. He’s a good dad.

What id like to know is what rights do I have. There is no reason that either of us would have access over the other. No drugs or physical abuse.
He hasn’t said it this time but in the past he said he will have her full time as he earns the most money ans can work from home.
He’s now saying he wants to buy the house off me. I can’t afford to buy it off him. But then where will I live. Also this will take time so renting in between won’t be an option.
I could stay at my mum temp but not long term. He doesn’t agree to this as he’s saying it’s not out lo home and that she needs to go back. I understand what he means but I can’t go back there with him there. He won’t move out (but I couldn’t afford to pay the whole mortgage anyway as I only work part time).
I don’t want to go back next week but he’s constantly texting me saying I have to.

If looked into a solicitor but it’s £100 an hour.
He pays the mortgage and the bills. I pay for the food and stuff for me and our lo and some house furnishing etc.
Sorry iv prob missed loads and waffling but trying to get as much info in as I can.

Are you married?

Just to add we aren’t married

You need to see a solicitor. All anyone can give you here is their own experiences. To make serious life-changing decisions about your life you need proper legal advice and so does he. Don't be bounced into anything.

A lot depends on whether you're married.

I can’t afford to see a solicitor at the mo. The one I called wants £100 an hour. My partner/ ex told me I had to buy a different car and would help with the cost. He never did. So iv litterally just spent all my money and savings on this car. I should explain I had use of my own car but it was a little fiat so said I couldn’t drive as wasn’t save with the lo. I also had use of he’s car but he would check where I went and cause a lot of arguments as I couldn’t go past the millage.

In my opinion a 2.5 yo home is wherever their mum is. I assume you have been the primary carer, in that case dd should be with you until it's all sorted out legally.

Big hugs, he sounds really horrible

Sorry x posted.

Well then your choices are allowing him to buy you out and using that money to set yourself up elsewhere, or insisting on the hose being sold so that you can take your 50% of the equity. It seems sensible to accept his offer of buying you out doesn't it, if you can't afford to buy him out?

You can continue to live in the house while that happens, or stay with your parents I guess.

Do you want to give him full custody of your child? Or have custody yourself? Or 50/50? Think about what is best for her. He may work from home but most people combine work outside the home and childcare, and there's no reason why you can't do that too.

He’s been to see a solicitor before. He said it depends on what school lo will be going to as to decide to where she lives. That doesn’t make sense to me as she’s so young.

Plus he could tell me anything so I’m aware I do need to see someone. I don’t claim benefits so can’t get legal aid. I’m rubbish with all this stuff :(.

Lots of solicitors offer a free half hour. Look into that.

You may be eligible for legal aid. If there is evidence of the emotional abuse, this will pay for a solicitor. Legal aid will also pay for mediation.

You may be able to stay in the house until your child is an adult under the children's act but a solicitor would advise.

No schools aren't an issue at the moment.

If it was me, I would have the house valued and ask him to buy me out.

I would stay with my mum with lo while all of that happened, or tough it out at home, wherever you feel most comfortable.

I'd use that time to investigate what benefits I'd be entitled to, look into what sort of mortgage I could raise or what sort of property I could afford to rent, or to talk to the council about social housing, and to sort out childcare so that I could continue to work.

If you take full custody you can claim child maintenance, usually 10% of his salary. If he has full custody he can claim that from you. If you do 50/50, nobody pays anything.

Morning lovelies, I'm new here but just wanted to share from my own experience.

Firstly in am sorry that you are going through this situation. It will get better especially if you stay one step ahead.

Due to recent changes in the law women do have some beneficial rights what weigh in their favour. You may have to consider taking steps to ensure theyvqork for you if your decision is final and you do not want to continue the relationship.

Step 1 see your gp and explain your situation get a full check up. ( that way it's on record there)

Step 2 call local police whilst you are away from thebhome and explain the situation fears etc they were excellent with me and advised me on a range of things that I had no idea about. I just wanted the bad days to stop. They actually listened and told me what type of abuse those bad days were called by names of law and I had never really considered abuse of specific kinds have specific names and I was a victim.

Step 3 you can have the locks changed and your partner removed if you feel you are under threat again the police will advise you and issue and injunction.

Step 4 due to dc you at entitled to stay in the home and may get some legal aid due to domestic abuse. (Research thoroughly)

Mediation is excellent in some cases for avoiding legal fees as in this case him paying the mortgage seems the most important thing as you are no contesting visitation and can manage other house hold bills. The mediation advisor can speak on your behalf if you don't want to meet together.

Also if you choose to follow any of this through contact all benefit agencies for help

Child tax credit
Council tax
Water
Gas
Electric
Job centre

You never know what help they can give.

Hope this helps

Do eat and sleep even if it's just tea and toast or soup and do not fret mumsnet has been a silent help to me when I couldn't even think I was going to feed the boys or make it

Yes I’m primary career although my mum use to look after lo on a wed and Thursday. Mum meets me at my work wed morning and then would have her till Thursday evening as I work 9-9 both days.
I have her the rest of
The time. No way would I allow him to take her from me. Ideally I wouldn’t even want him to have her 50/50 as she’s use to being with me.

Id like him to see her though. So if it had to be 50/ 50 then there isn’t much I could do.

He says because my mum has her 2 days anyway then I wouldn’t have rights to have lo all the time as I’m not sole career. Iv asked to cut my days at work so I just work 9-5 on a Thursday. My boss has agreed but will take some time. Now though I may have to ask to take on more hours to pay for somewhere to live. I don’t no how this all works.

I forgot to add that he’s also said if we r living together then I have to pay half the mortgage now as I don’t want to be with him. I’m happy to do that but I need to be able
To work more. But he doesn’t want to give up any days work or pay for childcare. But then if I work more he will have even more reason to say I’m not sole career.So I feel like I’m stuck.
Also I was taking on a few more days here and there to help tyde me over. If I ever asked him for money (Iv only asked him twice since been together and both times he wouldn’t) he would tell me he had so much work on and he needed to work more but would sit and watch tv . He said That he earns more than me. It’s cos he couldn’t handle our lo alone. He wanted me to do it and him earn more money so he could put it in he’s Savings.
I’m happy for him to buy the house.

OP - I meant this kindly but "he's emotionally abusive and controlling" - therefore he cannot be "a good dad".
Do you want your DD subjected to emotional abuse and controlling behaviour as she grows up? - gather evidence of his behaviour - keep his demanding texts to show as escaping controlling abuse is grounds for legal aid. As her primary carer, you have a parental responsibility to safeguard your child from emotional controlling abuse.
"Good dads " are not emotionally abusive and controlling.

Hey I would advise u Dont work more hours, u are seperated and Can prove u live with ur mom so you should start claiming benefits to help u get by atm. I would also advice u book an appointment with your lo health visitor, explain Ur trying to leave your controlling and emotionally abusive partner ask to be referred to womens aid. Once you get an appointment with them they will advise u on everything. At worst the courts would do 50/50 but I reckon if your a sole carer and he works full time that wud go in your favour x

You don't "have" to go back. Don't let him tell you what to do. That's part of the problem isn't it? I would suggest you stay with DM as long as you can, and tell him to buy you out of the house. Apply for benefits and then you can rent somewhere if you have to. Maybe you could sell the car and buy something cheaper.

Thank you I will look into the free 30mins. I wasn’t aware of this.

I prob have some text
On my phone but also he’s dad has said it’s emotional abuse. I’m hoping he would stick up for me but I can’t be sure. I honestly
Don’t want to fleece
Him of everything but I want to know we will be ok. I’m so scared. That’s why I always end up back with him but I can feel I’m starting to get depressed. I’m not even sure where I enquirer about benefits but I will google it.

I will look into getting a mortgage for
Myself as seems the best option however I’m not sure if it’s best
TO work and get a mortgage or look into benefits so I don’t risk him trying to take our lo. He wil defo try have her 50/50 I think just so he doesn’t have to pay anything. Since iv been at mums he’s been making a huge effort with lo. If I was at
Home he wouldn’t even bother. Lo would usually be in bed or
Almost in bed by the tome he got home.

Please make an appointment with women’s Aid if you can.
They were very informative and even had free legal advice.
If you don’t want to Go back to the home you share with him you do not have to and they will be able to help you find a hostel.

You do not lose the right as a sole carer if you work more, that is bollocks. Mums will almost always be given residency first unless there are specific reasons not too and that I’d for a court to decide.
He is saying these things to you to prevent you from leaving and making you dependent on him.

I agree with all the above and you do not have to do anything you do not want to do. That is mental anguish and you may need to think about an injunction and changing the locks
No one is going to out you out of your home with a dc. The law certainly won't and will recognise that he may need help himself to be a better father to dc. It's a true fact that often bad behaviour and manipulation spills over to the child. Think of dc and yourself fist and do not work over 16 hours so you qualify for any help you may need in the future

Big hugs

Thank you I will look into mediation. I was thinking of poss going to my gp but the wait is huge and to be honest I’d feel silly. Also about going to the police as he would never physically harm me.

I was starting
To keep a diary of all
The stuff he done but then I stoped as things were
Getting better. Silly I no. Hopefully I have all the messages but I don’t have any recorded phone calls. Just
My word against he’s.

Since I moved area I don’t know who my health visitor is and my mum doesn’t live in the same area. Iv tried calling women’s aid
But always get voicemail and miss their calls.

It’s good
To know I don’t have to go back. I do feel guilty I’m getting
My lo out of routine but I’m so much happier here. Yes that’s the whole problem with the way he is.

The other day when he dad her he told me to collect her at 5pm then changed it saying I couldn’t get her
Till morning. I went and got
Her anyway and said il call the police. Also we arranged for him
To collect her from me but then he called askkg y I hadn’t dropped her
Off. I have it in writing he was meant
To collect. I just can’t ever do anything right.

Thank you so much I have a lot to look into. I’m just still worried about me saying I’m not going back Monday.

PLease stop listening to him. He's feeding you false information to confuse you

1. look at benifits
2. 50/50 split you do what you do and sort childcare - as he would have to on his time
3. let him buy you out of the house via a solicitor
4. check out womans aid for financial and legal information

Decide what you want based on information you have not what he's saying

Oh great I will look into that. Wasn’t aware you could make an appointment with women’s aid.

Will look with regards to the 16 hrs as well thank you.

I wont listen to him. Now i know I’m not doing wrong. I don’t want to come across like I’m unreadable or stopping him from seein. Her by staying elsewhere.

You seem very reasonable. I'm In a very similar situation as u. The health visitor. Will refer and set up an appointment x

So NORMALLY he was uninvolved with DD (she was asleep when he was home) but you were her primary carers?
But he's telling you he'd get residency or 50/50 - this is NOT TRUE! The family court's look at consistency - so if he was usually always her carer half of the time normally then maybe 50/50 would be looked at - but to suddenly go from uninvolved father to sole carer half the time makes no sense in terms of your dds best interests?
He's using her to control and threaten you - this is a very common tactic of abusive men. Consult women's aid and make all arrangements and communication with him via text or email - then you have evidence of his unreasonable and controlling threats.

You are an adult - you can live where you like.

To collect her from me but then he called askkg y I hadn’t dropped her
Off. I have it in writing he was meant
To collect. I just can’t ever do anything right.

But you did do it right, you stuck to the arranged plans and had evidence that he made the opposite plans. Don’t doubt yourself and please stop listening to him. I know it’s hard as what he is doing is emotional abuse and the breaking you down is what the aim is. Even if he doesn’t understand what he’s doing it’s still emotional abuse. The police may not be able to help you, but your diary will. Continue writing, write everything he tells you.
It would be a good idea to catch that phone call from women’s aid.

I would suggest going to the job centre or local Council to see about benefits and housing.
Citizens advice is also a good place to seek out, they will be able to tell you what you can legally do about the house you share.