getting divorced and confused about how i feel right now

[dalmationdotty]

Morning all,
think I'm just being emotional and hormonal and really just using MN as safe place to get things off my chest. Feeling bit low and vulnerable right now. Separated 2 years from husband of 15 years. Mutual choice, just got stuck in a rut and stopped being nice to each other, did the counselling etc and eventually he called it a day and I didn't fight it. In a relationship now 7-8m and am very happy with him. Then why do I still wake up on occasion and think WTF! what happened to my life, where di it all go so wrong. I had my kids and husband and nice life and now everything is a struggle. Im working so many extra hours and never seem to have enough money, I'll prob have to sell my house eventually once divorce stuff gets sorted. I hate the whole divorce process, putting your whole marriage into an admin exercise of who gets what and how much, its horrible. I miss my kids terribly when they're not with me. Ex is about to take them off for 2 weeks holiday which is wonderful for them, I took them away at start of summer, so its fair but Im going to miss them so much and I hate the fact I can't see my children every day. Feeling low and wretched and like i just want to turn back the clock and make it all go away.I don't think our marriage was even that and I think we just gave up maybe? Off to work now, will have to reapply my face, thank god for waterproof mascara!

Can't believe noone posted between my morning commute when I opened this and now when I came back to it!

Just wanted to say you aren't alone. I'm also divorcing and feel much the same way. Bereft when the kids aren't with me. And when my counsellor asks what I want I say a magic wand or a time machine, although of course neither is possible. But I am grieving the family and the future that I previously imagined. Noone gets married expecting to get divorced.

You’re so right. It does feel like a bereavement but one that I can’t seem to get over. I feel guilty I’ve messed up the kids lives. They’re not going to have the same life they would have had if their dad and I stayed together. Money is definitely tighter now and I have to be so much more careful. I can’t give them the same things anymore and of course my time is less now as I have to work more. And miss my family unit. First proper holiday on my own with them this summer was wonderful but also bloody hard work and lonely and no one to bounce ideas off and share decisions and the stress. Think I’m just dreading not seeing them for 2 weeks and also being excluded from everything they’ll experience in the next two weeks while away. I won’t be there to share it with them.

I am now divorced 2 and half years and although I'm with someone new who is lovely, it doesn't stop you feeling and thinking about the what ifs. My marriage needed to end and he wasn't a nice person at all towards the end but it is still a loss and I also hate having to share my daughter with him and his new partner. It is a kind of bereavement process. I am now divorced and all that was a complete nightmare and the financial side still isn't complete but I've had to take time out dealing with for now due to keep my sanity.
I did also think well maybe if we did this or that but it would have just dragged on longer and made ourselves and my children even more unhappy. You know deep down if you've done the right thing even if you still do think about the time you were together especially when you were together a long time. Life's harder for me I'm doing all the running around to kids activities and wft and doing all the school runs, I'm forever on the go never any money but I know mentally it was the right decision and I'm sure it was for you it just takes time.
Be kind to yourself and take advantage of that time you're not with your children to do something you enjoy, even if it's just relaxing reading a book xx 💕

It does feel like a bereavement. Perhaps that's what stops me every time i get close to filing for divorce. Need my big girls pants on as my dear late friend would have said!

You're doing better than me and hopefully it will get better in time.

I too am going through a divorce with a small child from an abusive man. Even though the relationship didn’t feel like a relationship and he was a nasty man I’m still feeling awful about divorcing.

It’s very cliche but just trying to take each day as it comes. Some days I feel so lost, others I feel empowered.

Don’t give up the fight! I’m sure you are a wonderful lady and deserve happiness.

X

Thank you all. At least I don’t feel like I’m going crazy and it’s normal to feel like this. Even tho I’m with someone now and happy, I guess there will always be the little boggles of “what if” at times. Think the kids going away for two weeks just hit be hard and made me see the reality of divorce. Dreading Christmas. Last year my ex and I spent it together for kids sake but it’s just getting too stressful to do that now and at some point you just have to move on.

Boggles?? Not sure how I typed that! Meant thoughts!!!!

Hi dotty- I feel the same. Split from partner of 23 years. Had a great/ perfect life on the outside but deep down not happy. But splitting is so hard. Spent most of yesterday in tears despite feeling happy/empowered at the weekend. My DC are young adults but I hate that he takes them to his dad's, to friends etc exactly as we used to do as a family unit but now I'm sitting home alone so to speak. I said to my friend last night - ok so I wasnt truly happy on the marriage, but I was happier than I am now!!

I know it's the grieving process and it will get better with time, but it's so hard. Doesn't help that he seems able to just move on with OW whereas I can't imagine ever being with another man again.

I'm going through similar. Together 20 years. Split 6 months ago but still living together. He's moved on and has a gf. I've been on dates. I was fine until last week and it was like everything came tumbling down. I told him I wanted to try again. He said no. I'm a wreck. I can't eat or sleep. Ive had one piece of toast since sunday and averaging about 3 hours sleep. I cry all the time. I don't know what to do.

That sounds so hard. Do you think it's the familiarity of the ex though? I'm separated but living in the same house; it's hard to see a different vision of the future where the family unit is nit as you planned.
I'm pretty sure the love has gone but it's hard to let go of the family unit. It's a huge change for all of us going through it.

Bookvan I feel for you. It’s crossed my mind a hundred times to ask to try again but I’m scared he’ll lsugh at me and I’ll feel crushed. It will get better. Maybe it’s good he’s staying strong for both of you and in the long term you’ll thank him. It’s goid to share tho and know you’re not alone. Hope you’ve got some good friends to lean on.
Wheretorun it took us about 8 years to eventually call it a day. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life!

I thought he'd want to at least try. He blames me for everything. Apparently I could have stopped the separation at any point (except now). But he was telling me all about his gf, and having weekends away with her, introducing her to the dcs. So i shut down for 6 months. I had no feelings about anything and then I cracked and now I'm just a mess.

I split from my husband of 7 years (together 16) in April. it was a separation and became clear he wasn’t planning to make things right or come back. So I filed for divorce. No assets to divide other than who buys whose half of the car .

At first it felt strange but I felt no emotions. Now I cry a lot. There’s a lot of guilt, a lot of regret. Where did it all go wrong. Wanting to turn the clock back to when we first met and do it all again but differently etc . An intense sadness.
It is like a bereavement. The pain comes in waves. A song or a photo or a memory can start it. Other times it’s anger. Then it’s numbness. Last night he was here to see the children and he was playing cards with my daughter and the simpsons were on tv and we were all laughing along to it and it was like we were still that family again. And that hit me. It made me very very sad.

I have made small changes. Like taking the wedding photos down. Giving him all his things so nothin of his is here in the house. Brought a new mattress and bedroom furniture. Will decorate a few areas and put my own stamp on when they go back to school. It still doesn’t feel right. Feels like I am erasing him from my life. I went for divorce as it’s final and meant no turning back (he was abusive and tried meeting women a few weeks after we separated and I didn’t like being made a fool out of ) so it was me drawing a line in the sand. But it hits me sometimes. This is it. The life I had is over
The life I knew has gone. I think the day the divorce is final will be one of the saddest days of my life quite honestly

Changedname i know what you mean about starting again and doing it differently! If I could have told my younger self to stand up for mysfelf more I think things wouldn't have spiralled into dysfunction.
It's hard when you've put everything into a marriage.
I guess you just need to keep reminding yourself wht you split.
Dalmationdotty that's good to hear it's not just me that keeps putting it off. My kids will be at uni by the time we divorce so I'll be alone for the first time in 25 years...

I think it really is a bereavement. No matter how good/bad/indifferent the relationship was, there will always be that 'what if?'. It's a normal grieving process and there's no point in fighting it or beating yourself up over having these feelings.

Book - and others feeling the same. I hear ya!. I've thought often of asking H to try again. Fortunately I've stopped myself. The chumplady blog on "closure" really helped (Sorry can't do link on phone) and also advice from other mumsnetters.

Deep down I know he wasn't making me happy but I miss the familiarity of my "old"life so much and am so unhappy at the moment. I KNOW it will get better so need to ride it out. But it's truly shit

I do wonder if women exhaust ourselves emotionally to try to make it work and then struggle when it ends. I think my h will head straight into a relationship to avoid thinking about it all. He finds it easier to blame everything on me or his difficult parents anyway.

Where to run
Yes it would be so much easier for me to pour my love and feelings into another relationship with someone else but I need to deal with my own failings / insecurities / feelings etc and process it all. My ex isn’t he’s actively trying to meet someone else which is probably a way of him burying his head in the sand as he carries 95% of the blame as to why the relationship failed. It’s easier for him not to look in the mirror.

I saw him earlier as he came to the house after asking to collect some mail which was here. He was here under a minute en route to a job he had to go to. Seeing his work van outside and him walking up my path in work clothes it was like he was coming home to me. I looked and thought I love that man. I will never tell him and I will never show him. It is over and it has to be over. What I have learnt about him since we split I could never bring myself to take him back or kiss or touch him agaIn and the key thing is he doesn’t want me. BUT... my god it was an almost overwhelming emotion. He is MY husband still. I feel very sad

Changedname that made me cry. I know what you mean. I feel that love too. I kept pouring it in even when he hurt me but it's like there was a leak and it drained out of him! It was never enough. And I can't take another rage, even though 'he doesn't mean it'. Some words can't be taken back.
Still hard though!!
It's like our names fit together...i read somewhere to refer to the ex as an initial to break the association with the name. I must do that!

Yes sounds similar to mine. Was all sorts of verbal abuse over the years and I need to remember those words and how much they hurt and how I felt at the time. I won’t degrade myself by telling him. The saddest thing is if he had made the effort and tried to put things right eventually I would probably have had him back so he’s probably done me the biggest favour of my life ultimately . I have to remember deep down that’s how he feels about me . He clearly feels nothing for me anymore whixh is what I find hardest as we were together a long time. If I feel this pain he must feel something. But apparently he doesn’t.

Being hOnest part of me probably wants the feeling of being loved and wanted not necessarily him. That’s why it’s important I don’t get into another relationship at the moment. I need to be sure it’s the person I want and not just being wanted.

Change yes, get your head in the right place first! I'm working on my boundaries in all areas of my life.
Your ex probably knows deep down what he's lost but is too proud to reflect on his behaviour.

I have not been divorced, so feel free to ignore what I have to say. I did leave a relationship because I could see a bleak future for us as a couple and our child.

My parents had a very unhappy marriage with lots of low level misery and periodic traumatic crises. Neither of them could apparently be level headed enough to acknowledge that their marriage was a disaster until everybody involved was damaged for life.

I think you should focus on the positive here. You have shown your children together that an unsatisfactory relationship is not good enough. Ask yourself,would you want your marriage for one of your children? If you ended a failing marriage before it poisoned everyone you have done a good thing.

I'm so very glad my exw and I split. My life is so much happier and less stressful than before. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. Whilst we're not friends we do get along well enough and certainly for the kids. When I do eventually get divorced I won't look back, only forward. It doesn't help to dwell on the past and what ifs. I think if you can handle the split with civility and good grace ( hard to do in some cases) then the pain will be less. FYI she's also happier as a result of the split, so neither of us regrets it. Sometimes things just run out of steam and naturally come to an end.

Hi Changedname - I wouldn’t let him come to the house really. I think it’s more painful and harder to get over.
My Ex was abusive (well is abusive) - I’ve learnt to limit my contact finally. The penny dropped - I take DS to his house - press the buzzer - DS says it’s me Dad and off he goes.
I feel very angry to him at the minute. He was abusive - he wants a divorce (now he’s accepted it’s over) he’s trying to manipulate what I put on the divorce papers re unreasonable behaviour. I think he doesn’t want to face how he’s treated me! I was going to start proceedings but I think as I’m now in control - I will make him wait🤣. He wants the financial settlement ASAP - I’m in no rush now. I know I will piss him off. GOOD!!!