getting divorced and confused about how i feel right now

[dalmationdotty]

Morning all,
think I'm just being emotional and hormonal and really just using MN as safe place to get things off my chest. Feeling bit low and vulnerable right now. Separated 2 years from husband of 15 years. Mutual choice, just got stuck in a rut and stopped being nice to each other, did the counselling etc and eventually he called it a day and I didn't fight it. In a relationship now 7-8m and am very happy with him. Then why do I still wake up on occasion and think WTF! what happened to my life, where di it all go so wrong. I had my kids and husband and nice life and now everything is a struggle. Im working so many extra hours and never seem to have enough money, I'll prob have to sell my house eventually once divorce stuff gets sorted. I hate the whole divorce process, putting your whole marriage into an admin exercise of who gets what and how much, its horrible. I miss my kids terribly when they're not with me. Ex is about to take them off for 2 weeks holiday which is wonderful for them, I took them away at start of summer, so its fair but Im going to miss them so much and I hate the fact I can't see my children every day. Feeling low and wretched and like i just want to turn back the clock and make it all go away.I don't think our marriage was even that and I think we just gave up maybe? Off to work now, will have to reapply my face, thank god for waterproof mascara!

Yes me filing was about me taking control of the situation I will admit.
I have no choice but to see him my kids are young and he cant have them at his as he lives in one room so they can’t visit or stay there. I have them ready at a set time and he takes them out where possible.

It took me about six years to realise that his access was his problem.

His access is his problem. If he wants a relationship with his children,it is his responsibility to arrange that . His living arrangements are not your problem.

Sorry,that was so unsympathetic and I didn't mean it. He has to sort his living arrangements so he can see his children

Yes I know what you were getting at don’t worry .
I pointed this out and he simply said I can’t afford anywhere bigger. Rental prices are expensive here. Not my issue to deal with as you say but simply pointing it out

Think we all have our issues with each of our divorces. Someone on here said about focusing on the future not the past and I think that’s good advice.
Changedname I’m so sorry it’s been difficult for you. But every day will make you stronger. And I think it’s also true about letting your kids see that it is ok to leave an unhappy marriage. I’ve spoken to a couple of people who’s parents stayed together and they said they knew they were unhappy and they wished they’d split up years ago. Hopefully my kids will live in two happy households rather than one very strained one, although we were careful never to let them see we were struggling.
I think I miss the marriage,the security, the family package but I’m not sure I actually miss my husband (as my partner) more I miss having the father of my kids around. I still call him my husband and when new people meet me they assume I’m married and I can’t quite bring myself to correct them. I hate saying I’m separated and then getting pitting looks of oh I’m so sorry. Anyway, off to work. Hope everyone has a happy, positive day. You are braver than you believe,stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, that’s from Winnie the Pooh not me xx

And now I’m crying. Because I think I’ve shut all emotions away just to survive and think it’s all hitting me now!

I just feel bereft. Mine isn't quite as straightforward as I strongly believe it was a good marriage before the cheating, lying and manipulation and the snarling that went along with those. Recently we had started marriage counselling and generally spending time together before I found out about round two of all of the above. So now I have had the rug pulled out from under me just when I was getting to the point where I thought I could forgive him. It's like groundhog day. When I look back over 15 of the last 16 years it isn't with rose tinted glasses, I genuinely want a time machine to take me back to my happy family and a crystal ball/magic wand to stop him before he embarked on his path to destroy everything. I guess I just have to focus on what he did in the last 18months that would make me a blithering idiot to give him another chance to hurt me. But I just feel overwhelming sadness for the family I used to have. I end up in floods of tears when he has the kids and I am alone in what was supposed to be our forever home. The whole thing is a nightmare I am still hoping to wake up from.

bedraggled I think many of us would like a time machine. Mine was an alcoholic and I only divorced him after many years of trying to support him. Wasted years, because addicts don't change until they are ready to do so. As it has turned out the divorce is now not going through - he died at the start of this month so I'm a widow.

But I don't regret ending the marriage, not for one moment. It was the right thing to do for me and our DDs. Doesn't mean there aren't still those 'what if' moments though.

My marriage wasn't unhappy. It just wasn't happy either. He wasn't abusive or nasty, I just felt I came last with him. Our lives revolved around his shifts and sleep and I was struggling with 3 dcs and a demanding full time job, he couldn't see that. All I ever wanted was to be considered as his partner and for us to work as a team.
He's moved on so quickly it has destroyed me. I feel completely worthless if I can be replaced so quickly and easily.

Oh Jesus pointythings. I am so very sorry.
I met mine when I was 16. He was 10 years older and a functioning alcoholic . Every happy memory has alcohol at the back of it somewhere or a dark time with drink not far away. Horrific
I still get very anxious around 5pm at night whixh is the time he would finish work and go one of two ways. Home or pub. You know the set up. I also think back to my 16 year old self and often want to go back stupidly thinking it would all be so different if we started all over again! Silly as he was drinking then and only he had / has the power to have stopped .

On another note saw my consellor this morning. She suggested I go away and really think about me and the things I like. I enjoy. Which bring ME comfort. Could be something small like a certain smell or flower etc. Write a list. Really focus on you as a person in your own right. Even if you don’t have the identity of a career or friends or hobbies. There will still be things somewhere which make YOU. YOU. Even if it’s a particular food or drink

Changed I am fortunate in the sense that I did an intense mindfulness course earlier this year and the things you suggest were absolutely a part of that. I have learned to accept my feelings in the moment and it's allowing me to process all the emotions. I do also have a career, hobbies, friends and two amazing teenage DDs so in many ways I am rich. I attend a support group for families of addicts, which is incredibly helpful. Right now I am alternating days working on the estate with days going out with my DDs - today DD1 and I are going to a bird of prey centre, for instance.

I feel for those posters on this thread who feel discarded because their OH's have moved on to OW very quickly - that must be the most awful feeling. I actively wanted my H to meet someone (after recovery, obviously) and find happiness in life, because I already have happiness in my life without him.

Yes mine was straight into online dating. Guess it’s easier to fill the void I have left then reflect on what went wrong and what part he played in it. It is very hurtful but I know in my heart of hearts he will have a hell of a job meeting another woman like me

Changedname, I think you would be able to move on more if you did not allow him in your house to spend time with your children. You need to go no contact. Have you sorted the finances? This is usually when things can turn and what is left turns hostile.
It takes time to get used to being a single parent, I used to notice and feel it more when I took mine on holiday. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be happy families, even couples and it was just me and my 2 boys. A feel a lot of it has to do with feelings of failure. I know despite the fact I was unhappy for many years I still felt a great it was a great failure I could not make a success of my marriage and that now my children would come from a broken home.
I have suffered a horrific almost 8 years of being dragged through court fighting for what was fair financially. Looking back I do not know where I got the strength and courage from as I self represented and it took over my life. Apart from the initial shock and despair in the early months, especially after discovering his affair I felt very little emotion if any towards him, so clearly any love I felt had left long ago. The only time I have seen him has been during court appearances and to be honest he looked like a haunted man. However he seemed to take delight in turning up outside the house in his new top of the range jaguar with the top down sunning himself whilst picking up the children. Looking back on everything it seems like a life time ago and he is a stranger to me.

There’s nothing financial to sort out. We private rent. There’s no investments property pensions etc. He gives me the amount the cMA recommmend each week. Gave me the cost of their uniforms. At weekends I can have them ready and waiting at a set time for when he arrives to take them out. When he sees them during the week one night its after work
He has nowhere to take them to see them other than here . Yes I know it’s not my problem

Crimson, he sounds like a deeply damaged soul. You are well shot of him...

Separated but not divorced. I asked my DH to leave we had been together about 14 years (married 8) I was 18 when I met him he slightly older (immature) Tbh it was rocky and sporadically throughout the marriage we would have isssues with him and sexual things he went to see a dominatrix, but we worked it through.

We moved to my hometown a bit further away from his works after a fair while he started to seem distant. I quizzed, and probed and he just got very angry and it came out he had seen another don. He didn’t really understand why he did it, said how much he loved me, how he loved being so close m, he love his family and being in a family. He moved out and I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him or etc when to counsellor who pinpointed porn addiction and bdsm tendencies was just a prodruct if that. After lots of twoing and frowing me not sure asking him to leave, he came to me last year he was seeing personal counsellor, was attending slaa (like aa), had sponsor and wanted to try marriage counselling and was totally committed to making the marriage work. We went to counselling it was working REALLY well and communication was better, due to money we had to have m counselling once a month. I got a new job in September and started to feel down and very stressed. After a family evening with family he annoyed me and got home and I just switched! Interrogated him about porn use and said he had looked at one pic ages ago and stopped because realised what he was doing. I asked him to move out and ended it. I was awful towards him and for about 5 months went through a very weird stage I was dettatched form the world and stressed with job all the time, wasn’t the best mum, my family were extremely worried about me.

So a few months ago i started to feel very differently about DH. I was trying to work out my feelings. He then started a new relationship (I actually demanded him doing that a few times when split as he wouldn’t leave me alone and was pretty distraught.

I realise my mistakes I made him feel so low when he was already struggling. I also can see I had other emotional issues myself which I’m working on with cbt and nvc.

I still am so deeply in love with DH, I’m treating him with kindness and respect now as he was my best friend. I want to try again but I hurt him so much. I know his new relationship is not smooth and recently broke up and got together and yes annoyed when I even mention divorce. He’s such a great dad and my DS 4 absolutely adores him.
Sorry was so long but I’m struggling so much.

Wheretorun and that is just the tip of the iceberg. What kept me going was the thought of as much as I was going through it was still preferable to being stuck with him for the rest of my life.