If your dad had an affair, did it affect your relationship with him?

[philosophyfruit]

I hope that title reads how I typed it!

NC for this. Inspired by the number of affair threads lately and something one poster said, and am wondering if your relationship with your dad was affected by him having an affair? Or indeed your mum if it was your mum who had an affair? How did you find out? Did you find out as a child or adult and how did you feel about it?

My DDs know their dad left for another woman (but gave them the script) and I wonder how it will affect them later when they are old enough to understand more about relationships.

Yes, for a while it did. My dad had an affair for over two years, my parents broke up when I was a teenager. I didn't speak to my dad for over a year. Now we get on great, so no lasting damage.

Yes, I found out aged 22 that my dad had been having an affair with the same woman for years, and had eventually left my mum. It was a horrible horrible time and I don't think I will ever forgive him for it; it has helped to separate him into two boxes, "my dad", the one from childhood memories, and this current dad that bothers with me every now and again and whose wife does not overly involve any of his children in their lives; for example, we don't get invited for Christmas, we weren't involved in their wedding plans. It is hard.

My dad had an affair - I was disappointed in him for about week before he just went back to being my dad. He was lovely in every other way though, I was 14. They stayed together for my brother and I, worst decision they ever made, we’re grown up and gone and they tolerate each other by drinking themselves into thinking they like each other.

My mother has an affair with a married man when I was a child
I went no contact many years ago, I have no respect for her and her life choices

DP’s Mum did and he didn’t talk to her for years. She left his Dad for the other man. His relationship with her has never been the same since. This happened when he was 18.

Yes. I don't respect someone who does that.
My mum was very difficult - untreated MH, I now think as an adult - and instead of addressing things he did anything to avoid her. If there wasn't another woman,which there usually was, he 'had to' work late, golf etc.

My mum threw my dad out for having an affair when I was 16. I was furious with him, and felt very protective of my mum. She is a really kind, thoughtful person and he is not. I always thought he was lucky to have her! She was devastated and I struggled to forgive him for how he handled it.

My mum never said a bad word about him and encouraged me and my siblings to maintain contact when we really didn't want to. I still have regular contact with him now as a consequence. I love him but don't like him, I think he's a selfish and self centred person really. I have never met ow, who he is still with despite regularly complaining about how miserable he is and how much he regrets losing my mum.

As an adult now I don't judge him for wanting to end the marriage (although he fought very hard to stay when the affair was discovered!) but I still think the affair was cruel to my mum, who didn't deserve that betrayal and pain. I am sometimes jealous of friends who describe their dad as their hero, or their rock, because mine stopped being my hero when I was 16.

Yes my dad had an affair and wasn't with my mum. Although I was shocked at the time it had no lasting effect on my relationship with him, I was closer to him than I was my mum. It affected my relationship with my mum more tbh because I didn't respect her chasing him/being so bitter for years. She wasted so many years on a man who didn't want her.

Both my parents had affairs. My dad, multiple. I found out about one, aged 7, and told my mum. Aged 9, my mum had an affair and left my dad for him.

Ultimately, I blamed my dad for it all. My mum was desperately unhappy because of my dad. She used the affair as a means of escape. She felt unable to leave alone. Low self esteem I'd imagine.

My dad's behaviour following this was terrible. He went on to start a relationship with one of my mum's colleagues. This might be outing... but my mum was a teacher, and she taught at my primary school. As a result, my mum had to leave the school, because she could not tolerate working in such a toxic environment. The result was, I also had to move schools. We lived 30 mins from the school, so it was unfeasible to go there, and then my mum go to work even further away.

Moving schools in year 5 was devastating for me. Prior to that, I was such a happy child. Even after the divorce. It was only once I had to move schools 8 months later, leave all my friends behind and start again that my life changed for the worse.

I never made new friends. Drifted through the rest of primary unahppy. Went to high school with the kids from the new primary, and still never made friends. Ended up leaving school pregnant and like no one thought I was worthy of friendship, so may as well have a baby to "love".

16 years later, my life is totally turned around. But I still blame my dad for the way he treated my mum, and what he did after they separated. His actions potentially shaped the rest of my childhood, and how my life has turned out now.

My dad had an affair, it’s actually him I have a good relationship with now rather than my mother. There were other issues with the latter relationship, but the main one was that she couldn’t forgive me wanting to maintain a relationship with him. Unfortunately she’s still very, very bitter nearly three decades later.

Yes. I had thought he was a strong but emotionally distant man. Now I think he is weak. I still love him because he's my dad but I don't respect him.

My h had an affair 6 years ago. His behaviour included missing events and lying to the kids. Out of my 3 kids, 1 is NC, 1 is fine with him and the other plans to go NC in the near future. The one who is fine was very young (4) so doesn't remember the lies etc. The one who is NC is the oldest and knew about the affair long before his Dad confessed.

Yes my mum had an affair with a Married man when I was a teen, I found out by finding a draft of a letter under her side of the bed she'd written when he broke it off with her.. she then ended up leaving my dad for someone else a year or so later. I or my older sister didn't speak to her for years but have a good relationship with her now; she is still with the man she left dad for now 30 years on but regrets what she did and how she did it (& has done for a long time) but was having a bad time with dad - I'm now the age she was when she left us all and although I understand why she did it deep down I'll never forgive her for what she did to us or my dad.

My dad was discovered to be having an affair when I was 14. It then turned out not to be his first. Home life became very cold and remote after that and I don't think my mum ever recovered. My relationship with my dad was OK but never really close again. I left home for uni and never went back again for anything except fleeting visits.

IMO it set me up for the 30 year relationship with abusive exH.

My dad didn’t, but my mum did. I was 14 at the time and it affected our relationship massively. She left the marital home for about 6 weeks to live with the OM, left me and my brother with Dad. I only saw her once during this time as I was so upset and angry. A lot of it was to do with how distraught I saw my dad was as a result. He decided to forgive her and she moved back in. I didnt really utter a word to her unless I had to, until I was in my 20s after that. We have a great relationship now, and my parents are still married, happily so, and they’ve just celebrated their 46th wedding anniversary

Yeah I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 16. Fully NC.

I just don't see why he should get to enjoy my life and successes when he chose his path.

My mum was very fair when we were children and never let us think I'll of him when they split up. But when I got to being a teenager and tried to maintain a relationship I realised he didn't know me at all and that actually, he shouldn't be allowed a part in my life because he chose to walk away from me and my brother.

I know a lot of people don't agree.

But as someone who is now married with a baby on the way I just can't accept that someone could do that to a family and it's just best for me personally to be totally NC.

My dad had an affair when I was 2 so I don't really remember much. (My mum divorced him straight away, so much respect for her for not allowing herself to be treated like rubbish). The way he treated my mum and a combination of other factors resulted in me going NC with him when I was 11. Never spoke to him since and I've got no idea where he is.

My mum had multiple affairs when I was young, she even tried to give me and my siblings to family to follow one of them to another country. My dad left after the first one and I’ve seen him twice in 40 years, his choice, not mine, although it’s mine now.

I have a few emotional issues because of what my mother did and her behaviour, we still have a relationship, but it’s strained, if I could go no contact I would.

My children also see her for what she is and the way she behaves.

She’s made some very bad choices in life but the worst she made for me and my siblings, was to involve her in the lies and deceit she spun.

Us*

Bloody fat fingers!!

My Dad was, from what I can gather, a serial
adulterer. He left us for the second time, and for good when I was 9. Obviously it had an impact on my brother and me, and for a lot of years things were difficult in places as we negotiated the joy of seeing my dad once a week, and him really having very little interest in us. My parents both handled the whole situation very badly, and we were pulled about quite a bit between them, and then in turn my step dad, who is a massive control freak would stick his oar in, supposedly on my mums behalf, and generally make the situation ten times worse than it needed to be. Now though, I'm just 40, and I think whilst I'm not close to my dad, I have a fairly decent relationship with him, as does my brother. He made some terrible choices in his time, but he recognises that I think now. My mum has never forgiven him though, and is still incredibly bitter about it all. I think my mum did her best during a time when she was clearly heartbroken, and left on her own with two small children and a business to run. But there was definitely a lot of us being used as pawns by her and my step dad, and maybe to a lesser extent my dad.

Sorry, have rambled on a bit!

My dad had several affairs, I was 13 and sister was 10 when it all came out. He left for a while then came back as they stayed together till he died at 72.
My sister and I couldn't understand why he came back up our nagging mother and could totally understand why he'd strayed. He was a lovely dad.

My dad had an affair before i was born. This resulted in a baby who is about a year older than me. My parenta stayed together and had me. My half sister was raised by her mum and her mum's husband who she believed to be her dad. My dad never saw her during her childhood.
Fast forward 25 years........ the "dad" had died and the OW and my dad resumed theit affair. My mum found out and chucked him out on his ear.
Everything came out in the open. Me and my siblings discovered we had a half sister who had been a year above me in high school.
This whole situation was the nail in the coffin for my relationship with my dad. I feel like he treated my mum horribly, he even had the cheek to be pissed off that she threw him out and was an arse over the divorce.
Essentially I haven't spoken to my dad in 20 years.

My dad had affairs, I found out as a child. I judged my mum for accepting it and staying with him. It didn’t affect my relationship with him because it wasn’t that great to begin with.

I didn't speak to my dad for years and years after he had an affair. And now I see him maybe every 6 months. He's not a nice man really.

I should probably expand. He had an affair with someone from work. We had been on holiday with her and her family. She phoned our home when I had come home from guides. He wasn't home from work yet. I called him and said 'your girlfriend is on the phone'.