If your dad had an affair, did it affect your relationship with him?

[philosophyfruit]

I hope that title reads how I typed it!

NC for this. Inspired by the number of affair threads lately and something one poster said, and am wondering if your relationship with your dad was affected by him having an affair? Or indeed your mum if it was your mum who had an affair? How did you find out? Did you find out as a child or adult and how did you feel about it?

My DDs know their dad left for another woman (but gave them the script) and I wonder how it will affect them later when they are old enough to understand more about relationships.

@tryingagain1 that is so very sad about your mother when it was your father who broke his marriage vows by cheating, betraying your mother. Feel so bad for her.

@adorethebeach I know what you mean, but as a child it's not nice to hear one parent constantly bad mouthed by the other one. I can understand my mother hating my father and OW but to be honest they were soul mates. I don't condone cheating though, an honest divorce can happen. Being bitter for decades is not ideal for anyone.

Yes

No, for some reason it had no effect. I feel sorry for both of them to be honest. They are still together.

Sometimes my mum brings it up. It was probably 25 years ago. I think she has a right to bring it up.

Yes, my biological father had an affair and left when I was 10. She hated that he'd had a life before so I didn't see him much. I'm very close to my Mum and my wonderful Stepdad and haven't had any contact whatsoever with biological father since I was at university - around 14-15 years now. When I say no contact I mean it too, not so much as a text message. I don't miss him at all.

Wow, these posts are heartbreaking. Just goes to show how devastating affairs are to everyone. My H left nearly 6 years ago now for the OW and has 2 kids with him. DDs are not happy at all that he left and has got a new family but I am happy now (he was abusive) and have made us a good life full of love and laughter. I can't change what happened and hope they aren't too deeply affected into adulthood but reading these replies it seems I'm hoping for too much. Whilst I think he deserves for them not to like him, I hate that he has hurt them with his actions.

OP, if it makes you feel any better I would say that the person who ultimately suffered most is my dad. My mum made a wonderful life for us and we are all close to her. I don't think it has changed me as a person or had any impact on my relationship choices or life decisions. I suppose it has made me more cynical about 'true love' and more determined to be independent, which aren't necessarily bad things. It is a shame I don't have a wonderful reliable dad, and that I can't visit both parents at the same time, but I am used to that now. Your dc will be fine too, because they've got you.

My mum had an affair... my parents split up for this and a few other reasons. She continued to see the OM.
I was only 2 when this happened and had no clue. I remember the OM as they stayed in a relationship for some years, and I remember being devastated when moved out.
It has had no ill effect on my relationship with my mum or dad, I don't blame her at all! And I have no ill feeling about it x

My Dad left when I was 16, literally did a moonlight flit which I'm pretty sure was instigated by the woman he'd been having an affair with for years. I've not spoken to him for 25 years and that's how it will stay. I've never forgiven him for what he put my Mum through and the lies he told us. This may make me sound like a heartless cow but if he died I wouldnt go to his funeral. I see friends who've split up and their children are happy to spend time with both of them but it affected me deeply and i could never have done that

But on the positive side I'm really close to my Mum and she has always made sure we never were lacking in love or support

My Dad had an affair and I found out when I was 12. My parents split for a while but ultimately got back together. I still cannot understand why my Mum stayed with him. It is never talked about at all. I was so blindsided by it all and will never look at my Dad the same way again. I have trust issues and don’t like to let people in. I think my life would have been totally different if it hadn’t happened. In some ways I wish I didn’t know and in other ways I’m glad I know the truth.

Both my dh's parents had affairs and had 5 marriages and other relationships between them.

Yes it did effect him and his confidence in both marriage and being a parent. On occasion he has been truly crap and we've worked through it - been married 20 years.

my father has always had affairs, even now - my relationship with him is ok - we dont live in the same country but i love him the same - ive had to reconcile it with myself for the sake of my kids.

My Dad had an affair when I was about 20. He told me rather than my Mum which I felt was very unfair and put me in a very difficult position

I told him that if he didn't tell her, I would. He told her, they split up for a while (about 3 months) then he changed his mind and moved back (against my Mum's wishes but it was half his house)

He didn't bother to speak to me during the time he was gone. He was never a good or present father (functional but unpleasant alcoholic) but this damaged our relationship irrecoverably and we barely speak nowadays. I don't love him really, I see him occasionally but the relationship is superficial

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I really didn't expect the effects to be so bad or so lasting. for all. I really hope my daughters aren't as deeply affected but fear they already are. They love their dad but see him for what he is and as time goes by and they understand more I think they will distance themselves. It's so sad. I wish people would think about their children before embarking on affairs. They seem so utterly selfish.

one parent left for the "other man/woman". it didnt change my relationship with them as they kept up contact etc. They cheated on my parent - not me. Also during contact they NEVER negatively mentioned the parent they left. They would ask polite questions and seem bashful.

HOWEVER it did change my relationship with the parent I was left residing with. They were EXTREMELY bitter and slagged cheating parent off constantly. Did not allow me to go to the wedding when cheating parent married the OW/M. They made me feel horrific and, whenever I returned home after the visitation weekends, would refuse to ask what I had done. And if I mentioned details to anyone else in passing, would make snide remarks. such as "oh, i saw that at the cinema with my parent and their spouse" "oh i bet that was lovely for you. happy little family outing. fantastic, isnt spouse wonderful". The bitterness and anger ate them up and I hated growing up with them.

yes. DF had an affair when i was 15. for reasons i won't disclose it caused traumatic events (nothing bad - but it related to his job.). I would say that i got over it with regards to my relationship with him fairly quickly, but it changed forever my relationship with men. that coupled with my xhs affair meant i didn't feel able to trust a man for years. now i have a wonderful DP but it took a lot of time to get past all the betrayal.

oh - my parents are still together. they have a very good relationship now (affair was 20 years ago!) and though i wouldn't have stayed, i understand why my mum did.

sorry, forgot to add, i found out as the parent i lived with told us. constantly. "parent doesnt want you. got a new spouse and new children now. never wanted you. youre not as important as them" etc etc etc.

Cheating parent never actually told us or discussed it with us, but married the other W/M (who was lovely to us).

Yes he did, made a huge impact on me and has really affected my ability to maintain relationships. Very rarely see him.