Eeyore friends

[Movablefeast]

I have an old friend who I do enjoy, we are not in the same country anymore so our friendship has been sustained by phone calls and texts.

My friend struggles with low self-esteem and she is coming to the end of a divorce process that I have supported her through. For the first year when her husband first left I was often on the phone with her daily. I encouraged her and was there for her as much as I was able.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer and I have found it very hard to stay in touch with her. I guess for the first time I am realizing very clearly that she is a "glass half empty" kind of personality, if a situation can have a negative spin she can't help herself but be pessimistic. Since my diagnosis I have actually been in a very positive frame of mind, I don't know why but I'm glad for it. I am not a Pollyanna but I don't tend to worry unnecessarily. My friend sent me a few negative texts and sad face emojis and I asked her to please stop. She kept interpreting what I told her negatively.

We haven't been in touch very much since then as frankly I was avoiding her. I would like to be back in touch but can't deal with the pessimism. We actually can have a really good laugh and usually talk about everything. Do you think I can try and broach the subject of how it makes me feel or not? Do you think it is pointless? I think quite honestly she doesn't know why I haven't been in touch and thinks I just don't want to talk about the cancer.

We did talk this week for the first time in about six weeks.

You sound a wonderful friend and a positive, resourceful person and it’s really amazing that even at this time, when you are facing a serious illness, you are thinking how you can sustain your friendship rather than being cross at her for her lack of positivity for you.

If you are able I think you could say ‘look, I don’t want or need any negativity at the moment, it’s not how I’m feeling’. But if she can’t take this onboard then I think you should reduce contact and surround yourself with people who enrich your life at this time, it’s really time to put yourself first. Good luck with this and your recovery. X

Best wishes regarding your diagnosis.

I think it's worth a try to say to your friend directly "could you do me a favour and be really positive on this subject for me - what I need is x, y & z. If you feel sad or worried about me, understand that I already know and appreciate that, but can you express it to other friends and just be jolly and best case scenario with me."

Good luck with your recovery
I have a friend like this and know exactly what you mean. Every communication from her is an essay of woe, it's so draining. And then if I tell her any of my problems she rushes in to take over and try and solve them, which I find equally irritating as I can generally cope and just wanted someone to talk to.
I think you do need to be honest with her but I'm a hypocrite because I never have with my friend!

Arrgh just lost a post I wrote out!

Christmas totally! I feel I want to woman up and be honest because I have supported her emotionally so much. I don't expect her to be fake just restrain herself from the OMG reaction all the time.

I think, in a way, she's trying to be sympathetic and this is how she'd deal with it if it were her. Just tell her what you told us

I guess I just don't want to be thinking of her feelings right now! I want to say please get a grip you are freaking out and I'm not.

Mediumred I do really enjoy her, she has a great sense of humour.

Luckily I do have some other fab friends. I guess I am wondering if this my opportunity to be honest as she often has concerns that people avoid her and doesn't know why?

I wouldn't tell her that, yes, she is negative and maybe that's why people avoid her. Way too much for a conversation that's not face to face, and even then would need extremely careful handling.

I agree with PP that just telling her you need her to be upbeat and won't be able to deal with negative stuff should get a response, if she's a good friend.

However it may be too much for you to deal with at present and, if so, you must put yourself first.

Yes, really don't tell her why you think people avoid her. That can only go badly.

Firstly OP I sincerely hope you receive good diagnosis going forward and recover well. This is huge for you and nobody should underestimate that.

I’ve had friends exactly like the one you mention and I’m going to be honest and say I don’t have them anymore as the constant pessimism wore me down and I found myself constantly drained. I’m not Pollyanna either but Eyeore friends aren’t particularly good company!

I’m not saying that’s the solution for you but with everything you have going on at the moment, maybe you should take a step back with something along the lines of ‘I’m going to go into my shell for a bit so won’t be around to talk to / text whilst I process everything, just finding it hard right now and need some time on my own’ - or however you would normally word things. Because to be honest if she keeps whispering negativity in your ear it will have a bad effect on your coping mechanisms.

You are evidently an amazing friend, but this really is the time to put yourself first and you don’t need a ‘friend’ of this kind at a time like this. I found the minute I wasn’t 100% engaged with the eyeores in my life through natural busyness etc they became quite bitter with me and the friendships ended quickly. I also found it interesting to hear how they spoke of previous friendships, often moaning about “bad / disloyal friends” in the past....usually it turned out because the friends got a love life or had kids etc and were no longer the emotional crutch the eyeore needed.

Best wishes to you OP, and please be entirely selfish and think of yourself right now, you need to.

OK yes I think you are right. On reflection it is always a bad idea to bring anyone else into a conversation like that, it should be purely about your own interactions. I guess it is just she has all this analytical conversations with me about “why did she make that face” and “why did he say that?” I think she just has a tendency to overthink and worry about things that I am able to let go of or I don’t even notice. Up to now I have just put into the “well we are different people” category, live and let live.

I just feel it’s patronizing it some ways to not be honest about how a person is coming over, like I am parenting her or something. Why do I always get to the be the calm, mature one helping her avoid facing the fact that some of her behaviours alienate people?

Firstly I hope your treatment goes to plan. Secondly, having had cancer and lots of collateral damage I am now re-establishing boundaries with 'friends' like this and I wish I had done a long time ago. I am afraid I have spent valuable emotional energy looking after others personal cancer crap/ personal problems to the detriment of my own health. Re-establishing those boundaries is remarkably freeing and energising (tho hard at times too), and you need to conserve your energy for yourself right now, this should be about you not them.

Thank you notquite. I have never felt like I didn’t have good boundaries with my friend, as I mentioned in my original post we are not even in the same countries. She has many lovely qualities, she is kind, is a good mum, has a gsoh and we share the same values. We have also know each other for about 30 years. It has often been a real stress reliever that by living in different countries we can talk to each other about anything as we are not involved in each other’s daily lives. I do enjoy her company and I do consider her a good friend, I don’t feel exploited by her, I have always been good at boundaries.

It’s just she has a tendency that when anything happens in life she will assume the worst and of course at the moment I really don’t need that attitude. Thank goodness my prognosis is pretty good and I am coping with chemo well.

I guess I was wondering if anyone knew of an Eeyore that was able to learn to be more optimistic?

Also notquite I hope you are in remission and doing well

I’ve got a friend I’d describe in the same way yet I don’t know how to solve it. She thinks my life is perfect and only likes to moan about her issues. It’s really tiring.

More than Eeyore she reminds me of Henry the Penguin in “Oswald” the cartoon with the big purple octopus, they have a friend called Daisy? Do you know what I am talking about anyone???! I’ve actually always enjoyed shows where there’s one pessimistic character as I used to think it’s good for kids to see you can have friends with different personalities but you can still enjoy them. All of Henry’s friends like him although he’s grumpy!

Keep saying 'Yes, I agree that sucks. What are you going to do about it because you cannot moan about it forever?'

Negativity is kind of the thing your are fighting let alone other people

If she's depressed - and she sounds it - she simply will not be able to help her conversation/focus drooping down. It's impossible to be upbeat when you're depressed.

Why don't you leave things as they are. You haven't seen her for 6 weeks, don't see her for the next 6 weeks. She thinks you're not seeing her because you don't want to talk about the cancer, let her think that. I don't think you need a big deal at this stage - or, indeed, for the next year at least more like two . I've been where you are on the cancer front and it takes a while to get over it ime.

When I had cancer I reacted in ways that were a surprise to me at the time. Whether we register it or not, our psyche goes into survival mode. We reach for what looks like good survival - eg I watched endless episodes of I Survived - a programme I could never watch now, far too gruesome! - and it doesn't take a genius to work out I was fighting for my life, or felt I was, and wanted lots of stories of people who survived gruesome things. Perhaps, like me, your psyche is on high alert and has chosen to focus on the good; making your friend's MO - which you probably hadn't noticed or minded before - intolerable at the moment.

I don't think I've written that ^^ very well, but I hope you get the gist. To reiterate: I really don't think now is the time to get into a difficult chat with anyone. You're the overriding focus at the mo, you simply don't need anything difficult.

Lastly - I survived! Much love for your recovery

springydaff great to know you are well and thriving. I think you are right that maybe behaviour and comments that flew by me before I find harder to tolerate. I want to be clear that she has never been intentionally unkind, she is only concerned and worried. She is a dear friend. She just can't help being fearful and pessimistic and that is not something I want to hear at the moment.

I don't see her at all, we are in different countries. Maybe she is depressed, she is in the process of divorce even though it's been in motion since 2015/16.

It's not that I want a difficult chat but eventually it will be obvious (if it isn't already) that I am avoiding her and I am an honest person who generally doesn't let stuff fester. I'm sure she will be concerned if it appears our friendship has changed.

I was that friend. I went through about 10 years where I had a lot of sad stuff happen to me and it heavily rained my attitude. I became more and more negative and I overthought everything. People sometimes avoided me and eventually I cut friendships away. I had one friend tell me she didn't have th headspace for me and I took it quite badly. But I also understood better than ha she just started to ghost me. It's sometimes good to have your bluff called, or be confronted by someone who loves you as it really makes you think. I also have Aspergers and that can make me more negative but I'm working on how I come across and manage my negativity. But I wouldn't even have gone for my assessment if a friend hadn't pointed out hard I seemed to find life, all the time, despite a good career, happy family etc. I encourage you to talk to her. You owe it to yourself at the moment and it might do her some good too! And manly pats on the back to you OP

Movablefeast.... You sound like a lovely friend to have. Please just be honest with her. If she's a true friend she'll come good.
Hope all turns out well for you.

She just can't help being fearful and pessimistic and that is not something I want to hear at the moment.

No, that is intolerable. I cut out many people during my treatment (and I was cut out too! By people who 'couldn't cope' ) bcs of this sort of thing. Also countless people who felt it appropriate to tell me all their cancer stories blow by blow, including who died (most of them)...

I simply walked away mid sentence. Yy rude by quite frankly I couldn't tolerate that shit. It was quite liberating to be incredibly rude for a change lol.

Tell her to STFU. Be clear and honest : you know she cares but, please, quit the catastrophising. You need it like a hole in the head.