Eeyore friends

[Movablefeast]

I have an old friend who I do enjoy, we are not in the same country anymore so our friendship has been sustained by phone calls and texts.

My friend struggles with low self-esteem and she is coming to the end of a divorce process that I have supported her through. For the first year when her husband first left I was often on the phone with her daily. I encouraged her and was there for her as much as I was able.

I was recently diagnosed with cancer and I have found it very hard to stay in touch with her. I guess for the first time I am realizing very clearly that she is a "glass half empty" kind of personality, if a situation can have a negative spin she can't help herself but be pessimistic. Since my diagnosis I have actually been in a very positive frame of mind, I don't know why but I'm glad for it. I am not a Pollyanna but I don't tend to worry unnecessarily. My friend sent me a few negative texts and sad face emojis and I asked her to please stop. She kept interpreting what I told her negatively.

We haven't been in touch very much since then as frankly I was avoiding her. I would like to be back in touch but can't deal with the pessimism. We actually can have a really good laugh and usually talk about everything. Do you think I can try and broach the subject of how it makes me feel or not? Do you think it is pointless? I think quite honestly she doesn't know why I haven't been in touch and thinks I just don't want to talk about the cancer.

We did talk this week for the first time in about six weeks.

I do wonder if you just told her relatively bluntly if she’d realise and change her attitude. It’s worth a shot. I didn’t actually tell the draining people in my life, I just backed away, but perhaps if they were told they were negative and emotionally draining with their pessimism it would have changed their attitude and helped them. I know some couldn’t hold relationships because of it - the intense negativity and pessimism isn’t appealing for potential dates and negativity does turn into bitterness, with nobody wishing to be with a bitter person. So maybe it would actually help not just you but her other relationships and future relationships. One of my friends could always get a first and second date but never a third, she got ghosted everytime, and I’m convinced it’s because on date 1 she was witty, fun and lively, but on date 2 she began to share her great many, historical, generally bitter and should have been put to bed years ago woes and kill the mood. She would leave date 2 feeling energised having offloaded, certain they’d made a great connection, then the guy in question would start to ghost her. I watched it happen so often. Should have told her I guess but I was young and she was much older than me and I didn’t feel secure enough to tell her. She was intensely negative though, she’d moan if the barman didn’t give her a specific glass for her pint or if she didn’t like the curtains in a room. I digress, but, I’ve always appreciated honesty so if I’m behaving in a way that’s causing upset I would rather know. If your friend throws a strop and flounces she’ll either come back in the near future to set things right between you on a more honest and equal footing, or she’ll simply disappear from your life.

Having said all of that, if it isn’t a battle you have the energy for right now, then just quietly walk away for a season to look after yourself.

Thank you for your input springy and Lemony. I am missing her as I do enjoy chatting to her. It is difficult for me because when she went through so much during the breakdown of her marriage I never “catastrophized” (great to the point word) her situation. I always was a listening ear and in fact when she started to fear the worst and would put a pessimistic spin on her situation (which I don’t blame her for, it was horrifically stressful) I never joined her in her theories because obviously it would do absolutely no good to her mental health. I would just try and be a calming voice of reason “well of course that could happen but this could also happen (more positive interpretation of events)”. She had every reason to be fearful and worried and so I was trying to help her see how well she was coping and attempt to build her up. And I do feel she has done really well in the last couple of years and is so much better off without a spouse who was bullying her and encouraging her to take the blame for everything.

I miss her and I do want to reach out. It’s not that I want to tell her what she “should” say or “shouldn’t “ say but just maybe ask her to hold that thought and not verbalize it if it is negative. I kind of want to say “before you say it can you ask yourself “Will Movable feel better if I say this to her? Do I know for a fact this will happen or am I fearing the worst?”. She is a compassionate person and she has been able to adapt and change, I think she genuinely doesn’t realize how she has a tendency to anticipate the worst so much.

I feel in some ways that although of course it will be a very difficult conversation it could in the long run help our friendship become deeper. In some ways my diagnosis gives me the perfect “in” to have the conversation.

There seems to be a part of me really gunning to have the conversation, i.e. by starting this thread! I don’t want to hurt her but I do feel, as I mentioned up thread that by not saying anything I feel parentified and that I am actually protecting her when it might not be helpful in the long run. I also don’t know if the opportunity to talk about this will come up again so clearly. I do know she would be very sad if I end up distancing myself because I can’t be honest and frankly, so would I. I want to keep her as my friend.

Wow, overthinking much!

Just tell her STFU. Or words to that effect.

You aren't her mother. It's not your job to teach her or to be a midwife to her blossoming self. It's not your job to gently guide and nudge her towards enlightenment.

Girl, you have CANCER. What will it take to get you to realise you are the priority here - not your friend! She sounds insensitive and, frankly, underdeveloped. It's not your job to teach her.

I would never tell by her to STFU. Bizarre.

Why bizarre? What you are doing is bizarre considering what you're going through.
I've been where you are and there is NO space for any extra weight - certainly not a heffalump like her.

Perhaps you might have a go at putting it to her straight - the equivalent of STFU.

Or confuse her by avoiding her. She clearly has no idea what she's doing and, frankly, that's unacceptable at the moment.

Whatever, up to you what you do and how you do it bcs YOU are the priority here. Not her. You are going through some really hard stuff - her and her tactless lumbering about (all about her!) is intolerable, unacceptable.

You'd be doing her a favour tbf. Not that that is your job of course!