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Original poster

Is it me?

31 replies

NewStartNow · 20/08/2018 13:32

Partner of 21 months. We don't live together. I had a miscarriage end of june. Unplanned but, after discussion, much wanted pregnancy. On the day of miscarriage I called him in tears to say I thought I was losing the baby. I then didn't hear from him until 9pm and he didn't come to see me. I was upset but we carried on and we've seen each other regularly and discussed moving in together.

Yesterday afternoon after a very stressful weekend with my preschooler I asked him to come stay at mine ( he usually does 2 or 3 times a week). I was very upset and felt I needed my partner for a cuddle, chat and general cheering up. He refused and ignored me for several hours. I feel let down badly again and not sure I can get past it.

Is it me? If your partner said they needed you, would you be over like a shot?

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 20/08/2018 13:36

He's either not able or not willing to support you emotionally. If you need emotional support from your partner (and most people do to differing extents) then this may not be the relationship for you. I would suggest asking him directly - tell him that you feel he isn't there when you need him to be and see what he says. My guess though is that no matter what reply you get this pattern will repeat.

Shoxfordian · 20/08/2018 13:36

It doesn't sound like he cares about you at all
Ltb

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/08/2018 13:38

Should have fucked him off after his atrocious behaviour when you miscarried. He showed himself to be an uncaring wanker and you gave him another chance. Don't make the same mistake again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2018 13:41

He is no partner to you nor actually a suitable example of a stepfather figure to your preschooler either. Why are your boundaries so low here that you gave him another chance anyway?. This is who he is and such selfish men do not change.

Seniorschoolmum · 20/08/2018 13:42

Agree with pps. He’s not interested in your well-being is he? You can find someone much better.

RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 13:42

He's not the man for you. Move on.

lolaflores · 20/08/2018 13:43

You need to lay out very clearly what you are feeling.
Don't pussy foot about, tell him what your expectations are.
No doubt he will give you some flannel, of which you can make whatever you like, but it is unlikely to be the actual truth.
In my experience, mostmen have no actual idea what you need and even less desire to find out what it might be as it could mean investing emotional energy in you that they simply don't have.
They are with women to do the heavy lifiting emotionally and don't get it when they are asked for a bit of the same in return.
Its not their job.
Thats how they see it. Its how society sees it.
We are there to be drained and constantly confused and distracted by other peoples shit.
I suggest you concentrate on your own well being as this dullard is not capable. He has already fully demonstarted this.
If emotional intelligence was an exam...this chap would be on the failed list.
Sorry, I can sugar coat this. And this information may only become more relevant in time and no doubt after a river of fucking tears and disappointment.
All the responses you will get on here will be founded in the same heart breaking experiences.
You can decide now if you want it to be the same for you.
And by the way. Take better care of your contraception.

TheStoic · 20/08/2018 13:50

He’s only here for the good times, not the hard times.

Original poster
NewStartNow · 20/08/2018 19:19

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
It's so hard. He's great with dd generally and has his son (10) every weekend and we all go out on family activities.
He cooks, cleans, shops and is always buying us thoughtful little gifts. I think that's why I was so hurt by him not coming last night. It seems out of character.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewStartNow · 20/08/2018 19:23

And yes I am now taking contraception. At 46 years old

OP posts:
SunflowerJo08 · 20/08/2018 19:28

Maybe the miscarriage has completely freaked him out? In terms of - and this is horribly brutal, and I'm sorry - it made him realise that now is his chance to run.

By what you've said, it would seem like when the chips are down, he runs a mile, and ignores you. Explain how his treatment of you has made you feel. Lay everything out on the table.

If he still runs, there's your answer.

Original poster
NewStartNow · 21/08/2018 13:22

Well we had a long chat. He's apologised profusely but still qualifies it with... He was tired, he wanted to spend a night at his as he's paying rent, he thinks I shouldn't be so stressed out by my preschooler that I need some emotional support.
He then carried on to say that if he was living here he wouldn't put up with her (admittedly shocking) behaviour and would have to go out/upstairs
We're still together but I think my feelings are diminished a little and am certainly taking a more sceptical view of him.
I've had abusive relationships in the past but thought I was much stronger and aware. Could this be the first inkling at 21 months?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2018 13:35

He then carried on to say that if he was living here he wouldn't put up with her (admittedly shocking) behaviour and would have to go out/upstairs

What an awful thing to say, I hope you called him out on it.

He just cannot cope with providing emotional support. He sounds quite unkind. I hope you are rethinking moving in with this man.

MellowMelly · 21/08/2018 13:38

I would be sceptical too.
Sounds like he is going to be an emotionally unsupportive partner. For instance ignoring you for hours on end when you need emotional support because he is ‘tired’. Tired or not, even emotional support over text wouldn’t go amiss?

It sounds like if he were to move in, I think more problems would surface ie... possible conflict over your daughter, how you handle things emotionally/practically and all ready he has made it clear/threatened that if she acts up he is either ‘going out or going upstairs’.

You’ll end up walking on eggshells!

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 13:39

What do you mean your child's behaviour is shocking?

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 13:39

Some men can handle big emotions. Maybe the miscarriage made him lost for words, so he hid out of fear of not having the right thing to say.
Either way, it seems you dodged a bullet. This man would have been in your life for decades if the pregnancy was successful.

LaGattaNera · 21/08/2018 13:43

Relationships never work when one person feels more for the other OP and it seems that you are in this situation. Even if he wanted a night in, it takes no time to send a text and communicate that to you but frankly his selfish selfish behaviour when you had the miscarriage should have been enough for you to realise that it is essentially on his terms. At your time of greatest need, he didn't bother contacting you til 9pm then refused to come round. DISGRACEFUL - it is all about HIM and as regards your daughter, well she is a child - what excuse does he have for HIS bad behaviour?

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2018 13:56

No, it's him.
We've seen it time and again on here.
Please do not get any more involved with this uncaring dick-head.
Things will never improve.
Can you imagine this attitude if he became a dad?
Cut your losses.
Believe the MN massive on this one!

VanGoghsDog · 21/08/2018 14:30

He was tired, he wanted to spend a night at his as he's paying rent,

This is odd. People stay with other people all the time without thinking they shouldn't because they pay rent on the first place - is this an early sign of a potential financial problem (e.g. he is manipulating you to move in together to help him save money)?

he thinks I shouldn't be so stressed out by my preschooler that I need some emotional support.

I would run from anyone who tells me what my emotional response to something should or should not be. It's controlling.

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 15:34

@VanGogh

I would run from anyone who tells me what my emotional response to something should or should not be. It's controlling.

It CAN be controlling, not always though. One of my partners went MAD because I threw a ripped tea bag away instead of using the leaves.
If someone's emotional response to the end of Eastenders was to sob, I would tell then to pack it in and stop being daft.

Original poster
NewStartNow · 21/08/2018 17:56

Thanks. Her behaviour had been refusing to do anything asked of her. Ie get dressed. Tidy toys, eat at the table, basically every single thing I've asked her to do. I tried cajoling her, explaining, leaving her to it but she escalates to hitting me. I've actually had to lock the front door this evening as she wants to go to the neighbours house ("thru have a preschooler too) and won't take no for an answer.
It's pretty unanimous that he's bad then. I'm just so mixed up how it's taken this long to show

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 21/08/2018 17:59

If I want to cry at EastEnders, I will. Anyone who thinks they can dictate my emotions is abusive.

MinorRSole · 21/08/2018 18:02

Preschoolers go through the 'no' stage, the tantrum stage, the 'oh my god I've created a monster stage' it's perfectly normal and with consistent parenting they outgrow it. Adult men who are dickheads tend to remain that way.

lolaflores · 21/08/2018 18:52

NewstartNow this was going to happen, it just took the combination of events to trigger it.
Your little one is pushing it, as they do, and you have to ride the wave and be her rock while she does it, even though it might not look like it.
I remember with utter, utter shame what a man did to me once in regards to my daughter (who is now a very settled 25) but he tried to dictate shit, and I believed him. I will never forgive myself. Ever.
Don't do that to yourself. Better that you and her grow together than someone poisons her childhood and you too.
Believe me on this one.
I got the memo about that fucker in the long run and it took 2 days to kick his useless arsehole out on the street. Its easier than you think.

Original poster
NewStartNow · 21/08/2018 19:13

We dont live together. I own and he rents so I'm very wary. I've now told him any plans to move in together are on hold.
He's back to being lovely again. I can honestly say his default mode does seem to be good. It's just the couple of instances.

OP posts: