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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suddenly single at 37 weeks

34 replies

zozozoo · 19/08/2018 21:46

My (ex) dp likes it rough in bed, and I like him to take control. It's not always full on but rarely entirely vanilla.
Up until now he's always listened if I've asked him to stop something/ease off. I even joked about being too fragile for him right now.
This time he didn't stop.
I was already in pain from SPD and ill too. I was in no mood for more pain ... He ignored that and only stopped inflicting pain when I started crying and said I couldn't take any more. Didn't stop fucking me though. I was done in by then and just let it happen. Fell asleep after in his arms but in shock.
After a while I asked him why he did it. He said it's what he likes. I said it meant I couldn't trust him anymore etc tried to get him to see, desperately hoped he might apologise and do anything to make feel better but he has acted like he couldn't care less. So it's over. I did the right thing in ending it right? I'm scared shitless at giving birth without his support. Of having a newborn without him being around. He was good at looking after me. I'm gutted. I miss him I feel so let down and confused by the sudden coldness... How do I get through this? Am I supposed to now just let him know when the baby's arrived? Am I supposed to provide contact?

OP posts:
Chuggachuggatoottoot · 19/08/2018 21:49

You poor thing. The bastard raped you and not only that he raped you whilst you are pregnant with his baby!

Pompom42 · 19/08/2018 21:51

You must be in shock. He has no respect for you at all, he didn't listen when you didn't want it and chose to carry on. He's very selfish. Listen me him he's telling you exactly what he is

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 19/08/2018 21:52

You have definitely done the right thing.
You know that he raped you don't you?

Domino20 · 19/08/2018 21:53

He raped you. Absolutely you have done the right thing by ending it. He was cold because he wanted to establish in your mind that this is how life/sex will be with him from now on, at his demand. If you take him back it will not stop. Do nothing regarding child contact, let him pursue his rights.

TeacupTattoo · 19/08/2018 21:54

He does not look after you, he uses you. Contact Women's Aid immediately for your own safety. Seriously. I ended up in a refuge running from somebody I'd been married 10 years to...I don't want this to be you.

PatchworkElmer · 19/08/2018 21:57

He raped you. You’ve absolutely done the right thing by ending it.

LetMeBakeCake · 19/08/2018 21:58

You’ve definitely done the right thing - imagine how much he could hurt you if he decided to rape you again in the days/weeks after giving birth it’s unthinkable

I hope you have good friends/family who can help you through this I’m so sorry

TheSheepofWallSt · 19/08/2018 21:59

That made me feel sick. OP you poor poor woman. Absolutely you’ve done the right thing. I would report this to the police. He is clearly untrustworthy, and a violent, sexual predator- do you want your baby alone with him? If you report to the police, should he ask for, and you need to deny access, you have a record.
do not put him on the birth certificate.

Sending you love and strength x

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 22:00

Bloody hell lass.

Painful though all this is to take in now, you're going to be better off without him.

jelly449 · 19/08/2018 22:01

Op I'm 37 weeks too. Me and dh are hardly even having sex at the min because I'm too uncomfortable. We maybe do once a week. I couldn't manage anymore than that.

Firstly I'm saying this as a 37 week pregnant woman also....this must of been horrible. I'm in tears for you as I can't imagine how you were feeling. If you are anything like me....you are fed up of pregnancy. You aren't sleeping, you are shattered constantly, emotional...the list goes on. I have slight spd....the pain is in my pelvis. How are you managing to have sex with that sort of pain I have no idea. He has no respect for you or your unborn child. Literally none.

Secondly I'm saying this as a woman who has been through similar but not when pregnant. It doesn't get better op. It's rape. You asked him to stop. He didn't.

If you need anyone to chat too for the rest of your pregnancy and beyond that, please message me on here.

You can do this without him but you need support. You need your real life family and friends. You need to let your midwife know. I'd go as far as saying the police also but know that may be too much right now.

This is not ok op. You and that baby of yours deserve so much more. Please make sure you have family and friends around you. And rest as much as you can - baby needs you to do that.

Lots of love x

Original poster
zozozoo · 19/08/2018 22:02

Thanks for replying everyone
Yep I guess rape is the word...
Domino interesting point about the coldness

OP posts:
jelly449 · 19/08/2018 22:05

As for when the baby arrives....just take your time. You will of just given birth and the first few days after can be very emotional due to your hormones, tiredness etc. The well-being of you and baby is priority. Not him. Personally, I wouldn't want this man anywhere near my baby.

When he/she is born and you hold them, you will feel an over whelming love and urge to protect them from harm. You make them promises to always look after them and put them first.

It's sad....but this needs to start right away for this baby I'd say. He is the child's father so suppose he does have the right to know the baby has been born but as for contact....I'd personally say no chance x

Catinthecorner · 19/08/2018 22:05

You did the right thing.

TheSheepofWallSt · 19/08/2018 22:09

@jelly449

He gave up any rights when he violently raped his partner, whilst that baby was inside her, at term

Tutulafromage · 19/08/2018 22:10

Report to the police also...this sicko raped you!

Original poster
zozozoo · 19/08/2018 22:14

Thanks jelly your advice is helpful and sorry to have upset you. Yep totally fed up of being pregnant but not long to go now :)

OP posts:
OutPinked · 19/08/2018 22:15

I second reporting to police if you feel brave enough although I completely would understand if not, it’s an extremely vulnerable time for you.

You have undoubtedly done the correct thing here. He is a rapist. So sorry this happened to you Flowers. Do you have family and friends to support you?

LouHotel · 19/08/2018 22:18

You absolutely did the right thing.

I'm 100% a firm believer in there isn't different levels of rape, but raping your partner who is full term pregnant is incrediably violent and must have been distressing.

If you cant face telling the police please tell your midwife at your next appointment (38 weeks?) So she can put a care plan in place for you and make sure he is no where near you during the birth of your baby. It will also document it which will help you if you don't want him to have access.

Please also tell a close friend or family members so someone can Step in as birthing partner and look after you just after. Your going to be very emotional and might think it's better to go back to him for the support. You need an army right now.

You can absolutely do this and the fact he showed no remorse and his only response was that his 'pleasure' came first isnt a red flag it should be a prison sentence.

jelly449 · 19/08/2018 22:19

@TheSheepofWallSt totally agree.

jelly449 · 19/08/2018 22:20

@zozozoo I just feel for you op. Please just put you and baby first and stay away from him. If you feel brave and can handle it - go to the police x

smileyfacechocolatebutton · 19/08/2018 22:30

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. If you don’t feel you can report it to the police, please tell someone close to you so they understand what you are going through, the support you need and why that bastard needs to be kept away from you and your baby. Flowers

Original poster
zozozoo · 19/08/2018 22:36

Can't deal with the police and then probably social services right now just want to quietly get on. Will tell rl mates once I've processed a bit more. I don't have family around but my mum will visit around my due date for a bit

OP posts:
KN2212 · 19/08/2018 22:52

Run! Well maybe don’t run given your current state but walk quickly away from that psycho.

He sounds very like an ex of mine, who I knew I would never be able to trust not to hurt me when I was eventually pregnancy and vulnerable. If someone enjoys inflicting pain they generally lack empathy and regular functional emotion, even if they’re good at simulating it to passify you and get what they want.

Don’t take him back wherever you do xxx

birdbandit · 19/08/2018 23:14

Lovely, this man is not going to be kinder to you when your baby comes. It'll be worse.

Please get out.

AutumnGrace · 19/08/2018 23:23

Please report to police, I can't imagine how you time must feel right now but for your safety and the safety of your child you need to report this! Think about in a year or two and he might try to use contact as a way to control, you'll be a step ahead having reported this!!! Please please please!

I am so sorry this happened to you, so horrific. He sounds like an animal.

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