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Original poster

Family Finances - How do you handle? What's Fair?

50 replies

Earlybird · 19/08/2004 11:55

Just wondering what methods others employ to structure family finances.

  • Chequing Accounts - joint, separate or both?
  • Savings Accounts/pensions/investments - joint, separate or both?
  • Credit cards/debit cards
  • Household bills - food, utilities, etc
  • Essential costs - rent, mortgage, etc
  • Children's expenses
  • Transport
  • Clothing
  • Non-essential/discretionary bills
  • Do you have a budget, and do you stick to it?
  • Does each/either of you receive an "allowance"?
  • Etc ????

Must say that I have always earned my "own" money, and the idea of having to be accountable to someone else fills me with dread. Also saw how my father used the pursestrings to control/criticise my mum, and it was quite unpleasant at times. And there's plenty to read here about women who are at a real disadvantage because they do not earn hard cash.

Obviously, solutions will vary wildly and much depends on whether there are one or two wage earners.

  • If both earn, are costs split 50/50, or based on a percentage of earnings?
  • If you entered into the partnership/marriage with assets of your own, did you personally retain those - or does it become joint property?
  • Pre-nups are not recognised in a court of law here, as they are in the States, but understand that more courts are now willing to consider them if a marriage breaks down as an indication of original intent. Would you want a pre-nup if you could have one?
  • What if your partner/dh inherited money, or won the lottery - would you expect that windfall to be shared equally?

Money is such a touchy subject, and a source of real conflict/strain in many partnerships/marriages. Have often wondered what is fair, and what solutions others have arrived at?

OP posts:
allthegirls · 19/08/2004 12:01

I control most of the finances in our house!! Not very well I must say but dh is worse! He asks me fro money although he earns almost all of it.

If he won the lottery or inherired money then Yes it would definetly be shared!

I take money out of our account as and when I need it. No questions asked by him!!

Even before we were married it was the same. Everything is completely shared!!

JoSW19 · 19/08/2004 12:01

We've just taken on a huge mortagage, I'm about to lose regular income. We've done a montly budget thing and worked out after direct debits and other fixed costs we've got £150 to spend each week on food, clothes everything. Im scared.....

allthegirls · 19/08/2004 12:04

Thats not alot left joSW19! Do you go out alot at the moment? Dinner, cinema etc?

JoSW19 · 19/08/2004 12:05

All the girls, well we used to....

mears · 19/08/2004 12:09

We have joint accounts and credit cards. Everything we earn is pooled together - we spend till we run out. If we won the lottery it would go in the same pot for us all. If either of us needs to buy something for ourselves we do it (rare event) without permission from the other. Money is not an issue between us except we wish we had more

allthegirls · 19/08/2004 12:09

Invest in Monoply and trivial Pursuit!!!!!! Thats what we did when we first bought our house. Luckily I am back at work now! Still not rich but we plod along!!!

coppertop · 19/08/2004 12:17

I'm a SAHM. Dh's wages and WTC go into his account. The CTC and DLA go into my account. Most of the bills are paid by direct debit from dh's account. Although we have separate accounts we both consider the money in them to be for the family rather than for us as individuals. We have a low income and so we stick to a budget. If one of us wanted to buy something expensive we would discuss it first but otherwise we trust each other not to go mad with the money.

If one of us inherited/won money it would be used for all of us and not belong to just one partner. Neither of us own enough to make having a pre-nup agreement worthwhile. It would probably cost more than we own just to set it up.

nutcracker · 19/08/2004 12:21

Well we have had bad money teoubles in the past as a result of my Dp sticking his head in the sand.

Now we have seperate accounts. His wages go into his and the WFTC miney goes into mine. I have my cash card and cheque book and i have his too.
I am really strict with him about money, and he has to ask if he needs his card and tell me what it's for.
I know it sounds a horrible way to live but i know that if her had unlimited access to his account then he would spend the money, simple as that.

I am not brilliant at controlling the money as there isn't ususally quite enough to last the month BUT all the bills get paid and we have food and clothes which is all i'm interested in.
I never ever want to be in the position where i'm scared to abswer the door again incase it's a baliff.

When we are both eventually working I may have a joint account and let him have a card for it, but he will have to prove he is responsible enough to have it.

It's sounds like i'm treating him like a child I know, but he lost the roof over our head, and i'm not risking that again for anything.

jimmychoos · 19/08/2004 12:23

We've been together for 14 years and married 2. Neither of us had any assets when we got together and all we owned we have built up together. he inherited some money a couple of years ago which we used to pay off debts/ invested in the house. I do see our relationship as a partnership and the money is something we share.

We have a joint account for bills - all the direct debits etc go from there. We have another joint account for the shopping and both use that account when getting food/ other groceries.

We then each have an 'allowance' for monthly expenses such as clothes, entertainment etc. Theory is that anything left over goes into our savings account.

I earn vastly more than my dp - because what I do is overvalued and his job is undervalued. he also works less than I do so we share the childcare. So we pay proportionately to what we earn. Our allowances are the same, but I also take money out for things for the children eg clothes, shoes etc, as I'm the one who tends to buy those things. In reality we both plunder the surplus for extra stuff we need but we do try and communicate what we have spent and have a spreadsheet to work out where the money has gone each month and try and predict our spending more effectively!

dejags · 19/08/2004 12:34

One joint account which all money goes into - I manage the money (I couldn't live without internet banking).

We have a strict budget every month - this is however based on worst case scenario (i.e. that we will have spend the absolute maximum) so there is quite a bit of flexibility in it. We save a set amount every month and any additional money is ruthlessly put into our joint savings account.

One rule and one rule only in our house - NO CREDIT CARDS!!! We recently found ourselves in a position to pay off all of our debts and now have no debt whatsoever. I intend to keep it that way. Luckily DH agrees and so far has toed the line.

God - I sound a bit tyranical (sp?) but it works...

Flip · 19/08/2004 12:36

From day one of moving into a house together even before we were married, we had joint accounts. Both our wages go in and everything comes out of them. We put away a hundred pound a month for both of the children.

I am mainly incharge of making sure everything is paid and that we aren't in debt. We use the credit card for everything but clear the balance on a monthly basis so we don't incur interest.

We have a small mortgage of 40,000 which we pay £500 a month for which also comes out of the joint account.

If either of us wants something substantial then it's discussed. We are quite comfortable even though I'm not working at the moment so all the money coming in is dh's.

sweetheart · 19/08/2004 12:42

my dh and i share everything money wise. We have a joint account and a joint bill paying account. I control the bill paying but only coz I have access to a computer and pay all bills on line.

We both have cash point cards and spend whatever we want whenever we want - never bother asking each other. When we run out of money we run out, simple as that. We put money into a joint savings account also each month.

Piffleoffagus · 19/08/2004 12:55

I am SAHM, I keep all the child benefit and tax credits plus DH puts money into the joint account so I do not have to ask him for money for day to day things, if it runs out he tops it up, I have my on credit card and shouldn't really, dh has his own credit card too. WE share savings accounts, all household bills are in his name for now.
I expect when I return to work my income will be for pensions and savings mostly...
We talk freely about money, we both know everything about each others stuff and discuss all purchases (mostly LOL)

marialuisa · 19/08/2004 13:26

DH earns about £15k per annum more than me. WE are both paid into our separate current accounts. A pre-agreed some of money is then paid into a joint account (where the CB also goes). Joint account covers all household expenses and bills, we pay a set amount from the joint account into a joint savings account every month. This is transferred to ISAs etc as appropriate. The sum of money we pay into the joint account was devised by adding up household income and household expenditure. We split the "leftover" between us equally. Initially we had each paid 50% of the household expenditure but i got extremely fed up as DH wasn't willing to cut down on certain costs (e.g. food and DRINK!) but I ended up with bugger all left.

We have separate credit cards (I have massive debts as I'm trying to support my mum as well).

DD has a £100 allowance every month to cover clothes and activities but in practice I spend too much on her out of my own pocket.

Money is no longer a source of conflict, but I wouldn't want to be married to DH and without money of my own.

nutcracker · 19/08/2004 13:29

I must say that I would love to be able to have a joint account with Dp, and not have him asking me for money, or have me quizzing him over money, but I just wouldn't be able to trust him yet and I'd feel constantly worried and stressed.

Just thought i should explain as I know it sounds terrible, and that i'm treating him like a child.

sweetheart · 19/08/2004 13:30

piffle, r u still on this thread - did u see on the other one we live in the same town???

MancMum · 19/08/2004 14:44

I work and DH stays at home... we put all money into the one account and we use it to run our lives with the kids as we need.... really don't understand why people have shared lives but separte money... if it is not shared, someone has a power balance when the poorer persons money runs out... guess I am lucky that we have similar views on things like spending money.. but at the end of the day, it is wrong that various careers are better rewarded than others financially - at home we are equals doing what needs to be done to raise the kids... and so there should be no imbalance hence shared money, and shared everything...

MancMum · 19/08/2004 14:48

Forgot to say that of course if either of us came into money, it would be shared... how could you live with someone or even contemplate life with them if you knew that they had millions in the bank but no intention of sharing it... marriage or long term relationships are a partnership....I would not be in a relationship with someone I did not trust financially.. because if there is no trust there... where else is it lacking?

Sorry now ranting but this has always been a bug bear of mine!!

xoz · 19/08/2004 15:02

I am a SAHM and earn nothing, not even WFTC or Child Benefit, because we don't have UK residency. But we have a joint account, joint Credit card, and dh's earnings are "our" money not his, as is any other money that comes our way from whatever source. We sat down, when finances got to a crisis point, and worked out a budget for our regular expenses, and a weekly allowance for each of us. We discuss together all major purchases, but make small ones as we need without consultation. He knows I am a good bargain hunter and won't pay more for anything than I have to. We were married in our early 20's but dh had already bought a car and a flat, which became "ours" also. I really think if you're are entering a relationship/marriage wholeheartedly then you have to give everything to it for it to work and that includes money. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I cant see how a relationship can work in the long run with a mine and yours attitude at the heart of it. But I'm also blessed with a wonderful caring dh who would never abuse me in any way including financially.

xoz · 19/08/2004 15:03

cross posted mancmum...I'm with you there

MancMum · 19/08/2004 15:15

xoz,

nice to see that you guys think like we do..

Easy · 19/08/2004 15:15

Earlybird,

I always earned my own living, and suddenly being a dependant SAHM aged 38 filled me with dread. We had already just fallen into some sort of pattern, we had kept seperate accounts so whoever went to the supermarket paid for it (but we both worked so tended to evenly go to get the shopping). All the bills etc were in my name (we originally lived in my house), and I paid them, he always paid for evenings out, holidays, treats. Big purchases were discussed, and whoever had the money at the time paid for it.

When I 'retired' we just split dh's salary 50-50, by standing order into my account. I pay for all groceries, utilities (except phone, he pays the cable TV and phone together) clothes (unless he buys a suit or other major expense), insurances.

He pays mortgage, and usually buys any treats. He would still always pay to take me out, but we hardly seem to go anywhere atm.

We have always been rubbish at budgeting, cos when we first married we were pretty well off, so didn't need to worry about it. The last 2 years have been hard tho, and taught me alot.

BUT we are very open about money, and I don't understand anyone who doesn't know how much their partner earns, or can't borrow between them if one gets a bit broke!

motherinferior · 19/08/2004 15:16

We have separate accounts (in fact I have a work account and a personal account) plus a joint account for household stuff. At the moment dp pays for the weekly shop and I pay for childcare (I earn a bit more than he does). When he starts a new and better paid job in Sept we should regularise all this, set up another joint account to pay for all the children's stuff and generally be more organised.

Clayhead · 19/08/2004 15:18

Same as xoz really, except it was my house and car when we married which became ours, even have equally lovely dh!

I am a SAHM, everything is shared, we make decisions together.

We use Microsoft Money, takes some setting up but good for budgeting/working out where the money has gone.

I have never felt disadvantaged since becoming a SAHM, despite having earned money for many years previous to that.

lailag · 19/08/2004 15:50

We have separeate accounts/saving accounts/creditcards. At the moment he earns more and spends more. I pay for groceries, child stuff as I am the one who goes to the shop, he pays the bills and what ever else he wants. No idea about dh money affairs but not an issue.
Would have done prenups if available; a usual thing to do in my original country.