Family Finances - How do you handle? What's Fair?

[Earlybird]

Just wondering what methods others employ to structure family finances.

• Chequing Accounts - joint, separate or both?
• Savings Accounts/pensions/investments - joint, separate or both?
• Credit cards/debit cards
• Household bills - food, utilities, etc
• Essential costs - rent, mortgage, etc
• Children's expenses
• Transport
• Clothing
• Non-essential/discretionary bills
• Do you have a budget, and do you stick to it?
• Does each/either of you receive an "allowance"?
• Etc ????

Must say that I have always earned my "own" money, and the idea of having to be accountable to someone else fills me with dread. Also saw how my father used the pursestrings to control/criticise my mum, and it was quite unpleasant at times. And there's plenty to read here about women who are at a real disadvantage because they do not earn hard cash.

Obviously, solutions will vary wildly and much depends on whether there are one or two wage earners.

• If both earn, are costs split 50/50, or based on a percentage of earnings?
• If you entered into the partnership/marriage with assets of your own, did you personally retain those - or does it become joint property?
• Pre-nups are not recognised in a court of law here, as they are in the States, but understand that more courts are now willing to consider them if a marriage breaks down as an indication of original intent. Would you want a pre-nup if you could have one?
• What if your partner/dh inherited money, or won the lottery - would you expect that windfall to be shared equally?

Money is such a touchy subject, and a source of real conflict/strain in many partnerships/marriages. Have often wondered what is fair, and what solutions others have arrived at?

Seperate accounts, seperate credit cards...wouldn't have a joint account with dp. This is nothing to do with not trusting him, more to do with the fact I am very anal about money (always worried I won't have any) and know to the penny how much is in my account. He doesn't give a sh*t and will just spend (he's not extravagent) and not keep a tab on how much (or how little he has). I pay the mortgage, the utility bills and the food. He does the car, the nursery and the phone (this is an even division based on level of income - I earn more than he does, but %wise pay the same IYSWIM) We check that its 'fair' every so often. Generally I pay to go out (I have more disposable income.) Have a joint savings account - but only cos he needed access to the mortgage deposit money last time we moved

Money isn't an issue........

interesting subject. I'm with xoz and mancmum. me and dh are partners and, for us, that means in everything. we don't have anything financial in one name - joint current account, joint savings account, joint mortgage, the lot. with the exception of an isa each and our own work pensions - which are obviously in our own names but which we consider to be joint, ie anything from them would go into the same pot. I couldn't bare the hassle of doing it any other way. On the whole it works well. I think it came out of getting together when we were penniless students. The only downside is the combination of me being the more conservative re spending, and him being the main earner - it means that with the odd big expense dh is likely to want to spend more than me and I slightly feel I can't stop him, coz he's the one that chose the lucrative career and coins it in. But it only comes to me feeling like that with really big things eg cars - where I'd be happy with pretty much anything but he wanted to splash out. And as - funnily enough - we don't tend to buy cars that often it's not a major problem.

when I was about 26 this came up in conversation with a male friend. He was totally shocked. "but you're so obvioulsy an independent woman" he said. "yep", I thought, "and I don't need a bank account to prove it". (which is not to say anything about those of you who do! just my own take)

Dh & I have been together for 10 years-married for 7.We both still have seperate personal accounts-mainly upon my insistance,he is always trying to get me to agree to a joint one.

I have always earnt my own money & don't like to be dependent on anyone else & can count the number of times that I've asked for cash on one hand.He earns 10 times what I do,as I do paid work a few days a week & am self employed.He pays the mortgage (small thankfully),council tax & all the other bills.I pay the TV licence & buy the day to day food such as bread,milk,ect.We have a joint credit cards for major shopping purchases & petrol.The CTC & Child allowance go into my account as I buy everything for DD & I also pay for childcare out of it too.

Our savings accounts /ISA'S ect are in my name,as I am a non tax payer.I bought one of the cars,before I went self employed & he bought the last one.I also paid for the kitchen,carpets,burglar alarm,plastering ect when we were renovating this house,so when I feel guilty about not paying the mortgage myself,I remind myself that it wouldn't be worth what it is without my input.

We never argue about money,DIY (his lack of help with this) maybe,but not money.

Everything is seperate for us, simply because it was when we first moved in together & it didn't occur to me that there would ever be any need to change things until I stopped working after dd.
Fortunately I went back part time & earn enough to pay for food/clothes/petrol, he pays for most other stuff & it isn't any problem.
I've nothing against a joint account in principal but I would hate him knowing every time I've bought myself an item of clothing, he is anal in the extreme, told me I shouldn't keep buying dd clothes until he noticed she was looking like old Star Trek cast in her trousers, iykwim...

We both work dh full time I'm part time although I'm on maternity leave at the moment.

Years ago I added up all the bills, food etc to find out how much it costs each month rounded it up and it's split between the two of us. We adjust it every year when the bills increase, like the coucnil tax, tv licence. Dh puts his share into my bank account when he gets paid as all the direct debits come out of my account and all the bills are in my name, always have been. AFter all the bills have been paid there is some money left over at the end of the month that is put aside towards, christmas, holidays, emergencys etc.

The child benefit and the child tax credits go into another bank account in my name and I control that money and spend it on the girls, clothes, nappies, wipes, etc.

I should point out that after dh has put his share of the bills into my account he has money left over in his account that is for him to spend on what ever he wants and I'm the same. It's not a huge amount and neither is mine but it's ours to spend on what we want throughout the month, clothes, books, going out whatever.

We have a food shopping budget which we stick to. And I have a credit card but the only money that goes on that is the Internet bil and it's cleared every month. Dh doesn't believe in Credit cards and would never have one if he wants to buy something he saves up until he has enough money to buy it. If we needed something major in an emergency though like new fridge freezer etc we know that we have the Credit card there to buy it.

We've always shared all the bills etc. If one of us won the lottery it would be shared between us it wouldn't just be that persons money. Same for inheritance it would be spent on all of us not just the person who got it.

Money is not an issue for us we manage to get to the end of the month without being flat broke and I like to know that everything is paid and what's left over as I'm paranoid about being in debt. A friend of mine had a strange money situation when she was with her husband and they were in loads of debt it used to worry me sick that we would end up like that if we weren't careful. Sometimes I think I might be a bit too careful but I'd rather be careful than have sleepless nights.

Everything is completely joint for us, since we bought a house in August 1999. I inherited a modest amount of money from my gran, which was shared between us (used it to pay for our wedding in 2002). At first I earned a bit more than dh, then significantly more. Now I am an SAHM tho, and he's the breadwinner. What helps is that we have similar attitudes towards money (i.e. reasonably careful) so we can trust each other to be sensible.

We both work FT. We have our own bank accounts (where are salaries are paid) & credit cards, and a joint bank account. The mortgage, nursery fees, household bills etc are paid out of the joint account (all by direct debit), and we each transfer a set amount into it each month to cover those costs. DH earns more than me so he pays a little bit more each month. We roughly take it in turns for other costs, e.g. I'll pay for flights for a holiday, and he'll pay for accomodation. We have just taken out a joint credit card paid by direct debit from our joint account to cover groceries, as I was fed up with always paying for them with my own credit card! All our bank accounts offset against our mortgage. When we bought our first place together, shortly before our wedding, we each brought in money from previous properties - I had more than him. We are now on to our second place together, and I no longer know or care about my initial higher investment.

Dh is the SAHD and I am the earner. Having said that, DH works on the day I don't (I do 4 days a week) and when I'm on school holidays - like now.

We have a joint account for all household expenses. I put a set amount into that each month. If DH is working lots, he will put some in too. The key to making this work is to ensure that the amount that goes into the joint account is enough, and preferably slightly more, than the minimum amount to run the household each month.

The child benefit and any 'extra' money we get (gifts, share dividends, rebates etc) go into a 60 day deposit account for use over those difficult months and holidays.

Apart from that we have separate accounts. I really feel it's important to have money of your own to spend as you feel fit without having to justify yourself. Dh can spend as much as he likes on beer and CD's as it doesn't affect the household budget.

We did come into some money - an inheritance - a few years ago. We used it to pay off the mortgage and the rest we sprinkled around various investments, ISAs etc. We put some in my name, some in his and some in joint names.

I dont know how you do it! My dh and i both work, he has his own business so the money is good there. I earn very little. My job is to make sure there is always food on the table and what ever we need to clean etc. (all the household goods) he takes care of the morgage, water and lights. We have no debt and neither of us own credit cards - somehow though, I NEVER GET THROUGH THE MONTH WITH MY MONEY, this drives my dh up the wall because he cant understand where all the money goes... to be honest, neither do I, so this is a constant month end fight! I wish I knew how to manage my money better - but just dont have a clue!

I'm the family bean counter/bill payer/finance organiser - if I left it to dh we'd be in debtors prison. We have a joint account which his salary goes into and out of which comes mortgage, all bills, kids' stuff, groceries, family presents etc. He then gets a small allowance (set when we were utterly broke and not increased yet because I know that our new house will render us utterly broke once more) for his fritter money - pub, presents etc. My earnings (v small right now) go into my work account from which I get a similar allowance to dh, and then transfer the rest to savings when I can which we plunder for holidays and so on. Current savings would take us only to Bognor for a day though. Dh has a small share account that came from his grandfather and we have discussed transferring it to my name as I pay less tax so we certainly feel that any money belongs to us both. Having said that, it is a huge task for me to persuade dh to ever sell any of his shares to help us out financially so he certainly still feels there is an element of "his" and "mine", and since I recently inherited some money from my father and have used much of it to help us move house (bloody stamp duty) I can feel a creeping resentment about that too. I shouldn't, I know, but money is very emotive, isn't it?

I work part-time and DH works full time. However he earns a lot more than me (about 5 times as much!) So we have a joint account which he tops up every so often, out of which comes pretty much all bills, DS stuff, mortgage, etc etc. I used to contribute but for the last year or so, the gap between our respective pay packets has been so big, it's not really worth it. I pay for some stuff if eg it needs to go on credit card. Also we have our own bank accounts and pretty much spend what we like on our own personal stuff. We're lucky in that we don't have to budget on stuff like food, but we do consult on bigger purchases eg fridge, computer, camera.

Nickinha, the money I have left over from my pay after I've paid for my share of the bills etc I take out of my account and keep it at home. I write out on a bit of paper how much money I have and every time I spend any of it I write it down so I know exactly what I've spent and what I spent it on. A bit anal I know but I'm trying to save up for driving lessons so I'm being extra careful at the moment.

allthegirls we automaticaly put all the money together pay the bills get ds what ever he needs at the time then the money goes into his account but i will be having a debit card for that account so far just use the cash point card and draws it out of the machine even though we consult each other before buying stuff we dont ask each others permission it more to make sure the money is in the account so we dont go over drawn which i hate
but then again my mother and father have seperate acounts and one joint account my father gives my mother so much a week out of his money and she takes so muchout of hers for bills and then there money stays seperate but then again she said if my father held the purse it would be constanly empty lol

We have one joint account and, in theory, each have current accounts of our own but in practice there's never anything in those! My salary goes into the joint and all our expenses come out of it. We discuss all major expenditure but other than that we both spend as we want. Main bills are paid by direct debit. I have some assets and know that these will become joint ones when we marry - I'm fine with that. Dp is a SAHD. No, I wouldn't want a pre-nup because it's fine with me that all our assets will be joint marital assets, especically as he's a sahd. I also think this relationship is it for me and if it doesn't work division of assets will be the least of my worries. We only argued about money when we didn't have any! Now it's fine and we consider all the income/expenditure is joint.

We have 2 joint accounts, 2 credit cards we can both use. We don't have any "mine" or "yours" money even though I run my business from home it all just goes into the joint pot. We both brought money into the marriage (he had shares too), but we can't remember how much. At the moment I earn next to nothing, but there have been times he hasn't earnt and you never know what is around the corner. We have honestly never argued about money, both look at each others pay slips etc.

The only time I hated it is buying gifts, as the bank statement gives the game away. We have sorted this by taking a photo of our son, or helping him make something. Now we get a surprise every time and it's cheaper too.

Both of us have parents who to the best of my knowledge have the same attitude.

I hate not earning my own salary!! Dh does a direct debit into my bank for my 'spending money', which actually covers my pension, and then coffee if I'm out for the day, extra groceries etc, then its all gone. All our bills are debited from his account, he uses what he wants for canteen money at work (which is 2 meals a day, sometimes all meals, so its a big issue). We just scrape by. Any emergencies, we discuss. But we never go uot or anything, because he works so much and there's no one t olook after ds, so that saves money. Plus we take bus not tube as its 100.00 a month cheaper, and have no car. So there's not alot to row about! The only reason we dont have a joint account is that its too much hassle to change all the direct debits. Apparently Abbey National cant do it for us because we already have an account with them, but if we were changing our current account from another bank, they'd do it all automatically for us! Neither can they just add my name to the existing account.

I wish we could sort ours out but nothing seems to work! We used to have everything separate & each of us paid different bills, which seemed to work. Now we have a joint account for all the household stuff like insurance, mortgage etc, which his money goes into. Then I have a separate account which my money goes into & I get all the big stuff to pay- credit cards, quarterly bills.

There is never enough in the joint account & I end up having to bail it out every month, which I find really frustrating. DH has a habit of deciding to use the card for shopping on the week the mortgage goes out- last month I had budgeted to the penny & paid in enough to tide us over, only for one of his transactions to take us £6 overdrawn!

DH finds it frustrating never to have any money he can just spend & says I can do what I like... on the other hand, he doesn't ever have to think "can I do this today or should I wait till payday?" He'll book his car in for a service the day after I've paid all the bills & we've got no money for another 3 weeks, then whine "it's not my fault". We don't have enough slack in the budget to allow for a weekly/monthly allowance either.

I don't know what the answer is but I'm sick of having to be the spoilsport saying wecan'taffordit & lying awake at night worrying about the bills, while he presents me with a £500 visa bill.... & he's sick of being treated like a child. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

Savings? What's savings?

Linnet - thats my problem, I dont have a penny left at the end of the month. I cant think where to cut cost either! Wish that just once I could have a bit extra to buy my dd something. Whats worse is that I support my husbands two teenage daughters from a previous marriage - their mother cant even be bothered to phone them for their b-days, just sends a sms never mind help pay for their bills! Sometimes I get really angry because if she would help - I can afford to buy my dd something, which is not fair and I hate myself for getting angry with them (although I dont take it out on them EVER)

In our house EVERYTHING is joint. Dh earns a good wage as a doctor, I am a sahm. Everything that comes in goes into our joint account. All the regular stuff that goes out (bills, mortgage etc) goes out of our joint account. Car, kids stuff, cleaner, childminder, all of it comes out of that account. The bits and bobs I earn (eg am an exam marker) also go into that account.

We each have our own account which gets so much per month from the jount a/c, which is for pressies and luxuries for ourselves and each other. Savings are in joint names and so is the house (even though this made it more expensive as I have a psychiatric history so insurance is more for me). We didnt have any assets when we got married, but our debts became joint!!

Dh inherited substantially from his granny last year, and that became 'joint' too.

We talked about this before we got married and it just seemed 'right'. If we are in this together then it has to be all or nothing. For richer, for poorer! We are lucky that at the minute it is for richer, but we know that wont be forever (plans to quit and move abroad), but even when there is less it will still be ours.

I also wouldnt want a prenup. What is the point of planning for when the marriage ends before it begins. Doesn't hold out much hope does it?

susanmt - are you me?
(I obviously agree with everything you've said)I think it all should be joint otherwise it can sound like "mine" and "yours" and perhaps one partner can end up making the other feel guilty?

i dont "get" the 50/50 split thing. we both work full time have three kids and whatever needs paying gets paid whatever needs buying gets bought. i have three bank accounts one has my wages one has my savings and one gets my child benefit. dh has a bank account for his wages. all bills get paid out of dh's bank account and out of his wages he has little left. a few bills get paid out of mine and my bank account pays for anythin else - like clothes , nights out, petrol food day to day costs. but its not my money its our money - he often has my card in his wallet - i dont do handbags as a rule - so its more convenient and he doesn't go out buying himself things when he feels like it.

its hard to explain and sounds contradictory but this is how my mind works ..if we split up - am not arsin around with trying to get a seperate account - so i keep my seperate accounts. also we have a credit union account - i say We in fact its in my name - but if ever we needed anything it woul be spent on us becuase we are a family. the way i plan things is because i am the eternal pessimist. if dh should walk out tomorrow - he would have to sort out his bank account that pays all the bills - i would have some savings - in my name - that if he walked out he would get a grand total of jack sh*t. the way i see it is that it would take dh at least a month to sort out all the direct debits- that would be a month bill free.....if we should split up. we are sickeningly happy after 17 years together - but i have always been like this. whats his is mine, whats mine is his, if he leaves me - i am in a better position than he is!

Haven't read all the threads so I apologise if I duplicate some stuff but this is what me and DH do:

He earns double the amount I do, so we each have separate accounts and then a joint account for all bills, mortgage, food, petrol, household items etc. Each month our pay goes into our separate accounts and we both keep the same amount (£300) back for "guilt-free" spending on anything we want (so if I want to blow my months money on shoes, he can't complain and vice versa). The rest of our pay (regardless of how much or little) goes into the joint account for everything else. Generally I pay all the bills and sort out the cash flow etc but that's because I'm more organised. DH is on board with this agreement and is happy with it - basically, we do what we think is fair.
I have savings of my own from when I was younger, which DH considers none of his business, but since we moved in together and got married, any money either of us comes into now becomes "ours".

Hope that helps.

everything is completely shared with us

Dp and I have a joint account from which mortgage and bills are paid, his salary goes into the joint account. However I have a seperate account into which my salary goes, each month I transfer a specific amount into our joint account but still leave enough money in my account for small things. The logic behind this is that I have a small amount I know I can spend without landing the family in financial ruin, whereas if I had a free hand over our joint account that would probably be it, I probably wouldn't think twice about spending it all... We make joint decisions about big spends ie the new puschair I asked dp if I could go out and buy the e3 explorer (it is expensive after all the bits and pieces), and vise-a-versa. DP is the main earner though he has never used that as a weapon, because that would probably end it all. He's a lot more logical about saving and stuff, I don't think there would be a problem if I stopped earning in that I wouldn't have to account for every penny spent, life would in likelihood continue as it has thus far.