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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Throwing glasses of wine over me ok?

45 replies

Ficat72 · 19/08/2018 09:38

Ok - first post.
I’m on my second marriage (have 3 kids with precious and relationship lasted 20 years) and have a child with current husband.
We have been together for 7 years and he was charming at the start. Interestingly, he was in his early forties and never married but this didn’t seem relevant at the time.
Our relationship has been okay at times but there is some behaviour that makes me worried.
He throws things (dinner, bunches of keys when mad) - this was the first thing he did.
Then about four months ago, he threw a glass of wine in my face during an arguement. He has also really got into my face and pushed me a couple of times.
Last night, again it was a glass of coke but this time he did it twice.
I am at the stage now where I justify it by “he’s not hit me”....he knows this would be it and I would go as my mum was the victim of years of physical abuse from my dad and he knows this so it seems he pushes it as far as he possibly can.
He always says it’s my fault for provoking him.
I’ll be honest and say that if I didn’t have a child with him, I would have left a long time ago but the thought of going through a separation again and the upheaval on the children again is extremely upsetting to me. Add to this I do not have the financial abilities to live on my own and I know he would make my life a
misery going forwards as he will be in my life for the next 10 years for child contact. Do I continue to try? I know I bite my tongue numerous times daily as I know saying certain things will make him cross and I already apologise for stuff I don’t feel responsibility for just to keep the peace.
Please help.

OP posts:
StacksOfBoxes · 19/08/2018 09:40

You know that he is highly likely to hit you eventually. Also that this is not a healthy environment for any child.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Ficat83 · 19/08/2018 09:44

Thank you for your reply.
He absolutely knows if he hits me,
I will leave so that’s why I’m sure he stops short of that...it’s like treading on eggshells all of the time

NoProbLlama78 · 19/08/2018 09:47

treading on eggshells waiting to be hit is a reason to leave.
Flowers for you Op I've been in a similar position and it sounds you will give yourself permission to end it if/when he hits you. it shouldn't be that way x

NadiaLeon · 19/08/2018 09:48

Sounds like he will graduate to bashing you and the kids around. Be careful.

Ficat83 · 19/08/2018 09:49

Thank you for replying.
That’s exactly how I feel.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 19/08/2018 09:50

You know it will happen one day. Throwing things is pretty much the gateway isn't it? The same force goes through the arm to the item and the air and then onto you. It is only air friction that has reduced the level of force from hand to you.

Just bite the bullet whilst you are still able to think straight.

Ficat83 · 19/08/2018 09:51

Thanks for replying - he hasn’t hit the kids but does shout when I hate anybraised coices because of my childhood - really distresses me as grew up hearing it and the physical violence towards my mum

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2018 09:51

Even if he doesn't ever hit you this is no way to live

Ficat83 · 19/08/2018 09:52

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have no financial ability to leave. He won’t leave and if he did, I have no way to make rent and bills.
Stuck

category12 · 19/08/2018 09:54

He's on a path of escalation. He may never get to the point of hitting you, but I wouldn't wait around to find out. This behaviour of his is already abusive.

category12 · 19/08/2018 09:55

Are you in the UK?

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 19/08/2018 09:55

What benefits could you claim?
Can you get onto a housing list?
What is in the joint savings account?

NoProbLlama78 · 19/08/2018 09:57

phone women's aid for advice about leaving. there will be ways to get away from him x

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 19/08/2018 09:58

Throwing things in your face and pushing you is just as bad as hitting you. It is still assault, and he could still be arrested for it if you chose to report it. The upheaval of splitting up will be far better for your DC's than allowing this to continue, and likely escalate.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2018 09:58

You are basically repeating the same abuse dynamic you saw as a child re your parents but this time you're this child's mother. You want your child to absorb all the damaging lessons on relationships you yourself learnt back then for this to be repeated in their own adult relationships?.

Abusive men often refuse to leave but no obstacle is insurmountable here and there are things you can do. I would talk to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women and make a plan to leave this individual asap particularly before he decides that throwing things at you is no longer working.

MamaMumMama · 19/08/2018 09:58

Thanksthat's awful op. It is abuse and it's not okay. Have you spoken to him about it? Could you make it clear that if he throws something again you're off? Sounds like he struggles to control his emotions but it is not fair to make you believe it is your fault. Could you call the police if it happens again? Then he would be removed from the house? I'm so sorry that you're going through this

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/08/2018 09:59

He‘s abusive. There’s more to abuse than hitting someone.

Musti · 19/08/2018 10:02

It sounds awful op. Have you looked at what you'd be entitled to with 4 kids? I think you'd be pleasantly surprised.

Roundles · 19/08/2018 10:02

Abusive. Please leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2018 10:03

Talking to him is a waste of time; he already accuses the OP of "provoking him". Typical abuser script that from the OPs husband.

You do need to take decisive action OP before he really does put you in hospital or worse still the morgue. Do not think oh that would never happen to me. At the very least you need to talk to Womens Aid and a Solicitor re your legal rights. Do not let your own pride, supposition or sense of failure (that is certainly misplaced) prevent you from leaving this dangerous individual.

You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up Ficat, you really did. Your children cannot and must not learn the same as you did only to repeat that in your own adult relationship.

BeenThereDone · 19/08/2018 10:08

Throwing stuff and throwing wine/coke in your face is still abuse..... It is only a matter of time before he has nothing at hand to throw....
It will be hard but please don't let your children grow up seeing you being treated like this.... U and they deserve better

Moreisnnogedag · 19/08/2018 10:09

Oh. If I ever got to the point where my husbands saving grace was that he hadn’t actually hit me, I’d know it’s time to leave. He pushes you, throws things in your face?! That is abuse. He is one tiny step away from backhanding you across the face and blaming you for it. Leave. There are support mechanisms in place.

Moreisnnogedag · 19/08/2018 10:11

Actually even if he never hits you, leave. This is a terrible way to live and he’s conditioned you to think there’s no way out but there is. Take your child and live an enjoyable caring life free from violence.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2018 10:12

Time to go

The respect is gone.

AstralTraveller · 19/08/2018 10:15

You really need to look into the reality of leaving. Find out what monies would be available to you. Could you work? Don't just assume you won't manage. Look into it. Plan it like a military campaign and get the fuck out. One day he could kill you with one punch as it all sounds like it's escalating. Maybe even call womans aid for advice

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