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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Throwing glasses of wine over me ok?

45 replies

Ficat72 · 19/08/2018 09:38

Ok - first post.
I’m on my second marriage (have 3 kids with precious and relationship lasted 20 years) and have a child with current husband.
We have been together for 7 years and he was charming at the start. Interestingly, he was in his early forties and never married but this didn’t seem relevant at the time.
Our relationship has been okay at times but there is some behaviour that makes me worried.
He throws things (dinner, bunches of keys when mad) - this was the first thing he did.
Then about four months ago, he threw a glass of wine in my face during an arguement. He has also really got into my face and pushed me a couple of times.
Last night, again it was a glass of coke but this time he did it twice.
I am at the stage now where I justify it by “he’s not hit me”....he knows this would be it and I would go as my mum was the victim of years of physical abuse from my dad and he knows this so it seems he pushes it as far as he possibly can.
He always says it’s my fault for provoking him.
I’ll be honest and say that if I didn’t have a child with him, I would have left a long time ago but the thought of going through a separation again and the upheaval on the children again is extremely upsetting to me. Add to this I do not have the financial abilities to live on my own and I know he would make my life a
misery going forwards as he will be in my life for the next 10 years for child contact. Do I continue to try? I know I bite my tongue numerous times daily as I know saying certain things will make him cross and I already apologise for stuff I don’t feel responsibility for just to keep the peace.
Please help.

OP posts:

Greypaw · 19/08/2018 10:20

What if he hits you with the keys or the dinner? What if he hits you with the glass? He's already hit you with whats in the glass after all so it's only a small step. What if he pushes you and you fall and hit something? If you're waiting for it to get physical, it already has which is why the things you're describing count as assault and are a criminal offence. Frankly if you've said to him "if you ever hit me I'll leave", surely a reasonable person knows that encompasses all violent behaviour and doesn't think "great I can be violent in other ways just as long as my actual fist doesn't connect with her". Would a kick be acceptable? A head butt? He knows he's being violent and abusive and thinks you'll stay because of semantics.

stormymcstormface · 19/08/2018 10:21

Please phone women’s aid. My husband graduated from throwing things to hitting me. It is inevitable. The damage he did to my self esteem because of how mentally and emotionally abusive he was along that path is immense. Please don’t kid yourself he hasn’t hurt you bad enough to justify it. Walking on eggshells alone is really destructive. It’s awful and you need support and my heart goes out to you. 💐

5LeafClover · 19/08/2018 10:27

Not ok. Abusive and getting worse. Start getting your important things together. Please try and tell someone in rl. Make a plan for what you will do if (when) it escalates and you need to get you and those children out in a hurry.

Echo2 · 19/08/2018 10:28

Throwing things at you is abuse enough in my book. He sounds horrible op & I’m sorry you’re living like this.
I also agree with anyfucker, how can you respect a man who throws things at you?
Please get help & support, you need this whatever you decide to do.

Joysmum · 19/08/2018 10:30

He absolutely knows if he hits me,
I will leave so that’s why I’m sure he stops short of that

He’s testing to see how far he can push you.

He doesn’t know you will leave, you’ve already said on this thread you can’t and yet here you say you will leave.

If you can leave, why wait for it to get worse? This is no environment to raise your kids in and you all deserve better.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2018 10:33

I am at the stage now where I justify it by “he’s not hit me” ... yet ... You are in a dv relationship. He doesn't have to hit you for it to be DV.

he knows this would be it and I would go as my mum was the victim of years of physical abuse from my dad and he knows this so it seems he pushes it as far as he possibly can. But this IS physical abuse and you haven't left, so he knows he can do what he likes.

Echo2 · 19/08/2018 10:34

Can I just add, I don’t think it’s inevitable that he will go onto hit you, he may never hit you, but that’s the problem in itself because you’re putting up with his abuse because at least ‘he isn’t hitting me’ - he is abusing you & frightening you, that’s no way to live.

Milomonster · 19/08/2018 10:35

Abusive, humiliating, totally unacceptable.

Echo2 · 19/08/2018 10:35

X posts.

Namethecat · 19/08/2018 10:36

Just as a heads up your original names numbers have changed, just if you thought you were still anon

I'd say you have to end this, for your own mental health and as an example to your children. He is not a good role model.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 19/08/2018 10:47

Something hit you. He threw that thing at you. Still think he isn't hitting you?

Havabiscuit · 19/08/2018 10:52

Your children are being damaged already listening to this stuff. They are learning from you not to say certain things because they upset him. Yes, the upheaval of another divorce will be hard for you all but it’s the lesser of the two evils.

Makeupaddikt · 19/08/2018 10:57

You’ve said you don’t have the financial ability to leave, but if he hits you, you will leave? Your still not going to have the financial ability to leave???

BUT I think your using he fact that HE hasn’t actually hit you (he just gets other things to hit you) and the fact that you would be financially struggling as an excuse.

Sweetheart he is hitting you in a sense, he is abusive and you are in an abusive relationship, it’s just difference type of abuse from what your mum suffered.

That’s no way to live for either you or your kids. Life’s too short to be walking around on eggshells. You weren’t put on this earth for some prick to abuse xx

bobstersmum · 19/08/2018 10:58

This is abuse, no excuse.

OurMiracle1106 · 19/08/2018 11:02

There’s a verse written online called he never hit me. I think it hits home in abuse cases a lot where there hasn’t been physical violence. It’s a long piece of writing but this sticks out

“I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.”

My ex husband abused me in every way possible until after 6 long years of hell I left for good. I know it’s hard.

smartiecake · 19/08/2018 11:08

Assuming you are in the UK, please call women's aid and speak to them. They can talk things through with you. What he is doing is abusive. Also feeling like you have to bite your tongue so as to not piss him off daily, because you are scared of his reaction, is not a normal relationship. No one should be scared of their partners reaction. What about the kids? Are they having to adapt their behaviours as well? You should leave but then you know this. Staying with him is leaving your children in an abusive home environment. He may not be hitting you but abuse and coercive control come in other forms. Please ring women's aid OP they will help you to think things through before you decide what to do next.

SofiaJessica4 · 19/08/2018 11:29

I am going to go against the grain here and say, could he get counselling? I know he said you provoked him, but if he thought you were going to walk out the door would he reconsider.

My uncle used to pour glasses of orange juice on my cousins heads. He was, and is an angry man. My aunty threw him out at one point for drinking and he went to anger management and I think changed his ways.

Maybe just a thought.

FinallyHere · 19/08/2018 13:00

He always says it’s my fault for provoking him.

For this, alone, here is (my very first) LTB. Walking on eggshells, saying he has never actually hit me, its no way to live and, importantly, not tbe example to set for your DC.

Another vote for woman's aid (if you are in the UK) and maybe have a look at the freedom program, which can be accessed online. All the very best, @Ficat72

Elijem01 · 19/08/2018 13:28

I think if you stay it’ll change who your children are and how they conduct themselves in their own relationships one day. If you don’t feel strong enough to leave for your own sake, leave for theirs.

You might think, “He won’t hit me because he knows I wouldn’t stay”, but I think that part of the throwing things is that he loses control when angry. That tends to get worse rather than better.

I think you should consider staying with friends, family or at a shelter.

If you’re not ready for that, you should start getting his behaviours on public record, especially since if you do eventually leave him, he might fight for custody if only to maintain control.

StacksOfBoxes · 19/08/2018 20:28

I posted a thread a bit like this many years ago.

I was overwhelmed by advice... so I'm not going to give you any

You are concerned about the financial impact of leaving, so I'll talk about that. Try these websites:

Turn2Us
Entitledto

Put those in a search engine, and enter all your details. Whatever your circumstances will be after you leave, pretend it happened last year too (this gives a more accurate long-term result).

Good luck and don't be afraid x

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