I feel like I'm settling

[missmummy2]

So I started seeing this guy a couple of months ago . We have know each other for about a year now . He live in Scotland and I live in Northern Ireland. With it being the summer holidays me and my kids are staying at his for a few weeks .were now in the last week :( he works a lot doing 24hr shifts one after the other some times . He's so quiet and reserved all the time but when he speaks he can be very inconsiderate and insensitive. He's an amazing guy but he not giving me the level of affection that I need . For instance we went out last night got drunk , come home and we had an argument and me being stubborn and really drunk walked out of the house . I stood outside for an hour and 45 mins before going back in . I could have been anywhere drunk and in a different country and he simply just didn't give a fk . He's away out tonight one one of the only free nights he has before I go home and I'm sitting here alone. He also told me that he's going camping on the night before I go home . I'm upset and not only that he never wants to have sex he said he is scared to get me pregnant even tho I'm on birth control and he never finishes inside . I call bulls*t . I can't even talk to him about it cause I'll just seem like a nag . I so feel like I'm settling but I really love him a lot and my kids are attached to him as we've been more or less in a relationship for a year . I'm just sitting about all the time completely alone . I'm going through court about being raped when I was younger and I got a call to say they got my medical records and are not calling everyone for statements as I've already done a video one . I was clearly upset and he didn't try to he he left instead and when he acts like that he says "im an introvert" "you knew I was like this " don't get me wrong he is a really good guy he's brilliant but he's emotionally numb at times and I'm not sure I can deal with it .

Is this serious?

You've taken your children to stay for a few weeks with a man you've been seeing for a couple of months?

Tbh, feeling like you're 'settling' is the least of your problems.

Ok this seemed a little off so I had a quick search of your posts (not something I would usually do) and if you are genuine you need to end this relationship, go home and focus on your children. Your son is out of control and your haphazard lifestyle will not be helping. Out of interest where were your extremely young children when you were out drinking and fighting with your partner?

I've know him a year now . The reason we're over for so long is because we are using it as a holiday while I'm getting to see my partner. My son is acting out but this has been happening for a while now it just seems worse lately. My kids we in my parents brothers house who is a registered child minder and has been for 9-10 years . I always make sure my kids have what they need and that they are happy . We're not ever arguing in the company of the kids at all . Also last night was the only time I've been out since being over here which isn't a crime.

You sound completely mismatched. So much drama and difficulty so early on, this should be the good bit. You're settling for unhappiness. Why would you want to do that?

So how do you see this playing out? Long term? Let's say he is perfect and the relationship is moving forward.

You going to move your kids to Scotland? Is he going to move to you?

How much time have you actually spent with this man in short time you have been seeing eachother or in the year you have known eachother.

Quite frankly if someone storms out of my house, I wouldn't chase them either. It sounds like you only did it so he would chase you and it didn't work.

You know he works a lot, you knew that when you went to stay. You know he won't finish inside you, that's an issue for you. You want emotional support for your court case, understandably, but you are asking this from a man who you barely know and clearly struggles to be emotionally available.

If you knew him well enough to take your kids to stay with him, you knew all of this about him.

You aren't compatible and suspect you knew this before you took your kids over.

This isn't right and it's not about settling. Its about choices you are making and choosing to ignore what is right in front of you.

I've also had a quick read of your other threads. You sound very mixed up, am I right in thinking your ex was abusive? The best advice I can give is to finish with this guy, it's not going anywhere. Go home. Focus on being the best Mum you can to your kids. Learn to be happy by yourself and forget about men for at least a year or so.

Also had a quick search of your other posts.

You need to get out.

Your son told you that your "friend" is a liar and has hit him? Regardless of the fact that you don't believe your son, he's telling you that he's unhappy.

You are also unhappy.

I dont usually get involved with the LTB crew, but I dont see any positives in this situation. Leave and don't look back.

He's so quiet and reserved all the time but when he speaks he can be very inconsiderate and insensitive. He's an amazing guy but he not giving me the level of affection that I need.

This is a complete contradiction. When he speaks he’s inconsiderate and insensitive, but he’s an amazing guy? Just nah. You’re clearly not suited. You’re not living together, go home and break up with him.

OP how about you concentrate on your children for now and not dragging them to Scotland to live with a man they do not know, while you go out and get drunk and have arguments.

Can you imagine how your children must be feeling?!

Take your children home and speak to your son and try and find out why he is acting out. Selfish mothers can sometimes lead to children acting out because they are not happy about the situations their mothers or fathers have put them in.

Ps this guy is obviously not a good match for you and can I also ask that you get help with your drinking if you feel the need to get drunk. You sound very immature for throwing a tantrum and running outside in the hope that he would follow you.

No, this isn't going to work.

You both sound really unhappy, Him not trusting you're on birth control, why isn't he using a condom? But not wanting to get you pregnant is a smart move.

From the little you've told us, I'd make a break and move on with your life.

Good luck op, 💐

How do people manage to have such chaotic lifestyles? Go home, forget this man, (forget men altogether) and concentrate on looking after your kids.

You stood outside for nearly 2 hours in order to 'test' him?

Weren't you bored? At what stage did realise he wasn't going to come and find you? Whay did you carry on standing outside when it was obvious? Where were your children during this?

How many times have your children met this man before you took them to stay in his house for a few weeks?

How do you personally envisiage this 'relationship' playing out?

I appreciate your opinions but some are very rude . I don't have a drinking problem that's the first I've been out in about 6months and I'm not the kid of mother that would drink in the house at all if my kids are there I just feel like I'm getting bashed for going out once . I was really drunk agin it was the first I'd drank in ages hence why I ended up so drunk . I stormed out of the house cause I was drunk . Our argument may have been silly but when your drunk it doesn't feel it . I was with my ex for 3.5 years then took a break for a year from men then met my partner.my ex was very abusive towards me hence why I left him and he continued to harass me to the point I'd to get an order out so he couldn't come near me .yous are saying I dragged my kids away . What's the difference between taking your kids on holiday and dragging them away as this is a holiday for them . They don't see me kissing my partner or anything like that as I don't want them growing to attached if it wasn't to work out . Also it doesn't annoy me that he doesn't finish inside me it annoys me that we hardly do anything . I'm trying to be supportive to him till he works threw this . Yes my sons behaviour is out of hand . I've spoken to my health Visitior who is going to come visit me once I'm back to help me better deal with his behaviour. I don't hit and never have hit my kids so all I do is talk to them ,put them on the thinking step ,corner ,they lose toys and treats that they will have to earn back . I dedicate my life to those kids making sure I attend groups ,play dates,getting them into nursery and pre nursery and so much more I actively go out of my way to make sure all there needs and wants are met . That still continues in Scotland. Just because I'm in a different place doesn't mean that I'm not caring for my kids . I've tried talking to my 4 year old about his behaviour and he doesn't seem interested. My partner also very hit him my partner had been on a 24 hour shift and my son tried to say he hit him while he was at work . My son had been telling a lot of lies lately for no reason . I did this post thinking people would be supportive a very little are . As to my partners behaviour he's great with the kids he's thinks about me when he's doing something he talks to me and builds my self esteem but the last week he's been emotionally numb this is what I'm struggling with .

My kids also have met my partner on many occasions and days out throughout the last year and if we were to decide on moving it would depend on the circumstances at the time and who it would make more sense to move as he also has a daughter over here

I stopped reading your first post after "when he speaks he can be very inconsiderate asmr insensitive". I hope you're not settling with/for him. It's not better to have just anyone in your life.

OP you’ve just completely ignored everyone saying his behaviour to you isn’t acceptable. That is supportive. What do you want people to say?

my ex was very abusive towards me hence why I left him and he continued to harass me to the point I'd to get an order out so he couldn't come near me

Except he now has contact with your son. You mention this in a Not her thread relating to his behaviour. But don't think it's the cause of your sons poor behaviour. However your sons behaviour is getting worse while you have been staying at your dps. You will have been there 6-7 weeks by the time you go home. Your son has just started having regular contact with his dad and dad's family, you say this isn't a problem, but then taken your son away for 6-7 weeks. So your son got used to seeing his dad then it's stopped again. Can't you see how this could be influencing his behaviour and shows that he isn't happy but just can't articulate it?

It's entirely different to going on holiday for a week or 2.

They can't have met him many times. He works loads, you said yourself. He works so much you haven't seen much of him while you have been staying with him. So how can they have spent loads of time with him in these circumstances when you live in different countries?

And then you 2 having time together, so you can get to know eachother well enough as well.

I wasn't expected to be put down as a mum and told I've a drinking problem for going out once in a long time and made out that I don't look after my kids or care about there feelings . I was addressing a lot of stuff in my last reply's . Yea people have said he's not treating me properly and I agree but because it's only started the last week I'm worried that it's going to continue but on the other hand it mite be a faze . Never once have I "tested" him . When I stormed out I was very very drunk . There was no deeper meaning to it

When people say they settled it usually means they thought about what's important. I.e. My husband isn't a handsome heartthrob or rich and famous but he's kind and helpful and a good dad. Or he's a bit stubborn but he works hard and is reliable and generous.
In other words you make a mature choice based on needs and practicalities which make a good relationship, not wants or unrealistic dreams.
I often hear women say I've had exciting and good looking, now I want friendship andsecurity. You are not settling you're putting up with shit. Clearly have different ideas about what a relationship is.

I was living in Scotland for a year as an attempt to escape my ex partner. My partner was a very good support and was there for me when no one else was . My son also doesn't have set days with his dad and his dad only sees him when he can be bothered a lot of the time it's less that for an hour once a week . There's people that take there kids on 3 month holiday and there fine it's the summer holidays when we're back we will be back into our normal routine

You did test him. You wouldn't be so angry that he didn't follow you if you weren't testing him.

I can't see anything in your original post, OP, that shows he is an 'amazing guy'. In your second post it is clear that he is more emotionally intelligent than your ex. But this still doesn't mean that it is better to stay with him than be single.

Yes people do take their kids away for longer than 2 weeks. But not when they have only just started seeing their dad again and not usually when it means not seeing one parent for 3 months. Especially when contact has just been're established and there is obvious problems stemming from this.

You don't think his dad is influencing his behaviour. You don't think the set up is, so what do you think it is?

Your parenting is an issue here. Because you do not seem to be making good decisions or seeing things very clearly.

OP my post wasn't meant to make you feel like a bad Mum. I've been where you are, when you've been in an abusive relationship, it's very easy to jump into another bad relationship. I'd urge you to consider taking some time out from dating. Once you've got to a place where you feel truly happy in your own skin, you'll see a shift in the type of men you attract.