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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU or should I back down and be happy

44 replies

Amicrazyornot · 18/08/2018 13:31

Hi - long time lurker and have name changed for this. I will try to be concise as possible!
Been together for 10+ with 2DC. Had a loss last year and it put a lot in perspective for me.
He assumes that I always have an alterior motive for EVERYTHING (even when putting away shopping) - when in truth I have absolute no energy, or need, for this.

Today he had plans to go a friend's birthday at lunchtime so we headed out in the morning together with DC. My aunt rings me out of the blue and says she is visiting my DM spur of moment and would I be free for a cuppa. I said I would see what I could do. We have been trying to arrange something for ages with all my DS, my aunt and DM but it's never quite managed to happen - I havent mentioned it to DH as nothing had been confirmed yet. I thought the visit today was a nice idea - plus it would give me and DC something different to do as they have been stuck with me most of the time due to summer hols. I asked DH if he could drop us off on way to his friends (one car) but all I got was "how long you been planning this then" and loads of eye rolls and huffing because I hadn't planned it in advance with him. I mentioned that we had tried to plan a shopping trip but nothing had happened and this was just a spur of the moment thing that my aunt was doing but he just went off again about how I was being underhand and how we would get home etc. I gave up and said don't worry we will just go home as planned before (we were in a park).
Got home and more arguing - me saying I can't quite believe that it is worth arguing about, I haven't done anything terrible?? Family member has invited me out for a few hours with DC whilst he's not even going to be there?? He said that she can be spur of moment because her kids have grown up, and it's all happening behind his back.
He yelled where I had put a birthday card (he had put it somewhere yesterday) and I just snapped and shouted about I hadn't touched it and I was fed up of him accusing me over the most ridiculous things. I try to be grey rock most of the time as the only thing that seems to work, and he hates it when I get "emotional" but I had just had enough of not being able to do a normal, nice, thing and had a cry in the loo.

So...if you managed to get through that thank you.

Do I need to apologise for yelling (only way I can see if getting through weekend) or do I stand my ground and try and make him see that he overreacted (will be awful as he is never wrong).

OP posts:
Clairetree1 · 18/08/2018 13:35

go and see your aunt

IDismyname · 18/08/2018 13:37

Yup. I concur.

Go and see your aunt.

MrsMozart · 18/08/2018 13:40

Go and see your aunt.

And consider if you want a life time of this.

myidentitymycrisis · 18/08/2018 13:43

He is being U. And an idiot. Go to Aunt, have a nice time.

category12 · 18/08/2018 13:43

Go and see your aunt.

Why are you with him?

NadiaLeon · 18/08/2018 13:51

Category - probably because he has good points and is the father of the children....

Malibucyprus · 18/08/2018 13:53

Don’t apologise and don’t try to make him see he overreacted.
He is trying to control you, go and see your aunt to prove you won’t be controlled, and have a lovely time. X

Chocolate123 · 18/08/2018 13:54

Go take you ds in the car to see your aunt and leave the idiot at hone sulking

lanbro · 18/08/2018 13:55

I left my one of those, life is now much easier and far happier!

Bananalanacake · 18/08/2018 13:56

It's not clear but did you see your aunt. Don't let him stop you. That's how abusers cut off your support network.

category12 · 18/08/2018 13:59

Thanks for that NadiaLeon Hmm. He'd still be the father of the children if she wasn't with him. And a relationship where one party needs to 'grey rock' the other because of their unreasonable behaviour, isn't modelling healthy relationships for the dc. Why are you with him, is a question I ask to find out these elusive good points he may have. Hmm

giveitfive · 18/08/2018 13:59

Go see your aunt. Drink some wine, stay late have fun. Get an uber home.

Tell him to sort his attitude out and refuse to be drawn into his silliness.

I hope you have a glorious time. (He's being a royal tosser).

Cambionome · 18/08/2018 14:06

You seem to have a knack of totally missing the point on these threads NadiaLeon. Confused

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 18/08/2018 14:07

Thanks everyone for your replies. Unfortunately, I don't have a car otherwise I would go and see them with DC (where they live isn't easily accessible by bus).

@category12 and @nadialeon he did have some good points and he loves the kids. He seems to find me insufferable - says he loves me more than anything but always seems to think I am conspiring against him in some way and speaks to me with such disdain. If I say it's black and white he says opposite - unless I have a source to back me up. (I have brought it up with him and he denys venemently this is the case).

It's exhausting.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 14:11

His 'love' isn't worth much. Loving someone is shown in actions, not just saying it as a palliative for all the poor treatment.

It shouldn't be like this.

TrippingTheVelvet · 18/08/2018 14:17

It's time to rethink if you're having to use the grey rock technique on your husband for an easy life.

ClaireUnderwoodforPresident · 18/08/2018 14:19

Your 'D'H is an absolute knob and I'm sure its exhausting living with him. Love is shown, not talked about.

He doesn't own you or the kids, although he certainly treats you like property. Does he smoke weed by any chance? = paranoia. If not he sounds psychotic.

Girlslikeme · 18/08/2018 14:23

You and your son are missing out now due to miseryguts. Get a taxi and go and see your aunt.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 18/08/2018 14:24

I guess I am with him as historically things have been good. We have same interests and humour. We can have a good time still with DC if everything is going well. I have been a sahm since DC born as my eldest has ASD (it was jointly decided to do this) but consequently I have no savings/money to my name, poor credit, no job prospects, no transport. So feel I am stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 18/08/2018 14:28

No, no drugs. I always make sure kids don't miss out (as much as I can) we have done activities this afternoon and now playing together. I think today would have been more social for me and with people he doesn't really like etc.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 14:33

So it's a control and isolate you thing. Are you married?

ShumpaLumpa · 18/08/2018 14:33

He sounds very controlling. All he had to do was drop off you off at your mum's! Shock

My DH would have been happy that I was meeting my aunt.

OP, this is no kind of life. Please look into what you would be entitled to if you left him. He sounds paranoid and he is gaslighting you.

Cawfee · 18/08/2018 14:35

Book a taxi, go see your aunt

Velvetbee · 18/08/2018 14:35

He’s a controlling arse and this is your one precious life. Make plans to leave. People here will help.

Original poster
Amicrazyornot · 18/08/2018 14:40

Yes we are married. It just makes me very sad that this is how it is, after all we have been through.

OP posts:
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