AIBU or should I back down and be happy

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi - long time lurker and have name changed for this. I will try to be concise as possible!
Been together for 10+ with 2DC. Had a loss last year and it put a lot in perspective for me.
He assumes that I always have an alterior motive for EVERYTHING (even when putting away shopping) - when in truth I have absolute no energy, or need, for this.

Today he had plans to go a friend's birthday at lunchtime so we headed out in the morning together with DC. My aunt rings me out of the blue and says she is visiting my DM spur of moment and would I be free for a cuppa. I said I would see what I could do. We have been trying to arrange something for ages with all my DS, my aunt and DM but it's never quite managed to happen - I havent mentioned it to DH as nothing had been confirmed yet. I thought the visit today was a nice idea - plus it would give me and DC something different to do as they have been stuck with me most of the time due to summer hols. I asked DH if he could drop us off on way to his friends (one car) but all I got was "how long you been planning this then" and loads of eye rolls and huffing because I hadn't planned it in advance with him. I mentioned that we had tried to plan a shopping trip but nothing had happened and this was just a spur of the moment thing that my aunt was doing but he just went off again about how I was being underhand and how we would get home etc. I gave up and said don't worry we will just go home as planned before (we were in a park).
Got home and more arguing - me saying I can't quite believe that it is worth arguing about, I haven't done anything terrible?? Family member has invited me out for a few hours with DC whilst he's not even going to be there?? He said that she can be spur of moment because her kids have grown up, and it's all happening behind his back.
He yelled where I had put a birthday card (he had put it somewhere yesterday) and I just snapped and shouted about I hadn't touched it and I was fed up of him accusing me over the most ridiculous things. I try to be grey rock most of the time as the only thing that seems to work, and he hates it when I get "emotional" but I had just had enough of not being able to do a normal, nice, thing and had a cry in the loo.

So...if you managed to get through that thank you.

Do I need to apologise for yelling (only way I can see if getting through weekend) or do I stand my ground and try and make him see that he overreacted (will be awful as he is never wrong).

Oh god - every post I am reading today I can relate to! I am finally leaving my controlling, insecure and jealous 'd'p. I had to be 'grey rock' and walked on eggshells if I wanted to see any of my family or friends. No spontaneity. I also have no money and zero ability to get credit (he financially abused me - I got in masses of debt). Currently trying to sort out who lives where whilst sharing a house but even if I am forced to leave the family home, I can see light at the end of this opressive and stressful tunnel. We also shared a sense of humour and interests, and three children. I don't want them to see this as a 'normal' relationship

Sending hugs @cheggars x

@cheggars I 100% agree that it's not the relationship that I want them to see as normal. I just feel so stuck and although can see ways forward I can't get there. He is so clever at changing what I am saying and making it personal that I always just end up apologising to make it stop.

So what would happen if you just got a taxi to your mums? Would he freak out at you?

I won't apologise or try to make him see he's overreacted. I will have a big think about how I want to go forward.
Thanks to all who have posted & helped me see not crazy and not alone xx

Charley50 - wouldn't freak out but would say waste of money, not safe for kids as he has car seats, I always do what I want to anyway so he's not surprised etc (I don't do what I want...no trip to shops on my own or time by myself as always with kids). It would just mean a big discussion and I would end up apologising for all points above.

Sorry for all posts x

Has he always been like this or is it new behaviour? If it's new I would be worried that he's developing a mental health problem and urge him to see the GP.

Big talks don't work with people like this because he'll always have a 'reason' for saying and doing what he wants. He'll also always have a reason why you are wrong.

Take the taxi, see your aunt, remind yourself what it's like to have people smile when they look at you.

Then decide how many years you can put up with his miserable, sour expression and hate-filled mouth. It doesn't matter that he says he loves you, the way he behaves shows you his real feelings.

On top of all this, you so see the unfairness that he has bogged off to see someone and be social, but refused you the means to do the same?

I think he had always been like it, to a certain extent. But it's been more pronounced or maybe ive noticed it more, over last year. We had a loss last year and it has affected us both but it has snapped me out of a fog I was in and I am less tolerable of things he is saying or his behaviours. He will be offended if I suggest anything wrong with him (have done so before).

That has shocked me a bit @peekyboo - I hadn't seen it as unfair...he had arranged in advance etc..i felt like i was just throwing a wobbly because i couldn't do something and maybe I was being unreasonable about it all / could have handled it better. So that has shocked me a bit, that I didn't see it that way. God. I am a bit pathetic aren't I.

No, not pathetic at all. It's just that some people are good at training others to see things their way most of the time. He's trained you to take the blame and to not expect to even be able to speak with him about his behaviour.

Consider also that if you always plan in advance it's like giving him the chance to decide whether you get to do those things. One reason he might have to hate spontaneous decisions is that he has much less control over the decision made.

By behaving as if you are plotting against him he backs up the idea that all decisions must run past him first, as if you really cannot be trusted.

I'd be interested to see how he'd react if you wanted to go back to work and have some proper independence. I bet he'd make approving noises but sabotage you in the end.

Why the fuck does he care what you are doing if he is out?

I would be divorcing him, how can you stand to live this this?
It is really not normal behaviour.

Agree with everyone else. He's very controlling, which is abuse.

Oh OP I was married to a man like this for 15 years. Everything just shrank - my feelings for him, my patience for my children, my physical world, my independence and my mental health.

I too was sahm as he wasn't co-operative. Subtle control for so many years. Save yourself and save your children. He won't change - my ex is still moaning that it was all my fault, nothing was ever down to him. Now I get to roll my eyes and walk away

I have just found this thread that I wrote last summer & thought it might be nice to update.

I struggled through the rest of the year but finally got the courage to separate in January after a terrible Christmas and New Year. I now have moved out of the house with DC (he refused to leave) and the knot in my stomach is slowly relaxing. I still have some interaction with him due to DC and he is still very much in denial....but the feeling of relief that I can close the door at the end of the day is palpable and I truly wish I had had the courage to do it sooner.

I know there might be emotionally wobbly days ahead but I really feel I am not going crazy and can handle it!

Thanks for all the wonderful support on this thread (& my others), it truly helped me a lot

Wow OP thanks for the update and well done for your actions. I get quite demoralised on here sometimes when I see what some people try to justify and put up with (No victim blaming though- usually comes down to low self esteem, abusive relationships and social conditioning) so it's great to read when someone is able to say "No way" and move on with their life. KOKO.

Hi op, I am 2.5 years down the road to you.

Your update made me think. I came home from work today, late. I came home to my now dp, finishing off the decking he is building for our garden. He made me a coffee and asked why I was late. I told him my meeting ran over, he hugged me and I told me I give to much to my employer and he worries about me. I left the house at 7am was back at 6pm. He said he was glad I was home so we could chill together.

It was blissfull. There was no accusing, no suspicion, no leading questions. Just interest and concern.

My exh was like your stbxh. He also stalked me, sat outside my work car park. Once chased a woman in a similar car as he thought it was me. He ended up attacking me. If I was late then, I would have been trying to text exh from the meeting. Then come in to 'you knew you would be late, bet you have been out for a drink with work etc etc'

Life is so different. And I haven't thought about how different it is. Until your post. So thank you.

And you will get there. Well done. Just keep going.

@frenchmontana - sounds lovely
Sorry you have been through similar, am glad that you also managed to escape.

Hopefully in a few years I will be able to look back similarly. At the moment, it's just day by day - but each day I get stronger & that is what counts. Xx