New boyfriend's erectile dysfunction

[everythingsshinycapn]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 weeks. The first time we attempted sex he couldn't get an erection but I figured it was nerves. We have had sex on 3 other occasions and he had trouble ejaculating. Yesterday we spent the whole day together at his home and he had many erections but as soon as I touched him or we attempted PIV he lost it instantly. He swears he is attracted to me but then admitted the 3 previous occasions we were together he had needed to use viagra.

When he dropped me home last night I just burst into tears as soon as he left as I feel so unattractive. I haven't told him this because I don't want him to think I am making it all about me. My ex always told me that I was ugly and not exciting and that no other man would ever want to have sex with me so that keeps playing on a loop in my mind.

We are only in our 30s and he is a fit, healthy man who doesn't smoke and rarely drinks.

I don't know what to do because in every other way he is perfect but this is eating away at my already fragile self esteem.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to make this better?

Some men develop ED at a younger age - it sucks, but it does happen. It can also be an effect of performance anxiety - at some point he's not been able to get hard, it's been upsetting or embarassing, and then every time he's having sex he suddenly thinks "Oh no, what if I can't get hard?" which immediately causes his erection to wilt. The fact that he can get erect easily but can't manage sex makes this sound the most likely to me.

Do you know if the Viagra was prescribed by his GP? That's probably where I would start the conversation about this, although at just 6 weeks in I wouldn't blame you for walking away, especially given it's bringing up such painful memories. (Please tell that inner voice to STFU when it next starts - it's clear this guy definitely fancies you or he certainly wouldn't be putting himself through the hassle and risks of viagra!)

Take a breath and relax. It’s not about you - it’s nerves.
And the more you (and him) fixate on this - the worse it’ll get. The pressure to perform with help.
Men aren’t machines and brain is involved in the functioning of their physical bits. And once he got nervous about erections/ejaculations - he’ll be affected until he can relax.

In your place - i’d stop pushing and trying pig sex. Play around in different ways, and let him know that it’s perfecrly OK and you aren’t at all concerned. It’ll happen when it happens.

You at only at 6 weeks. There isn’t a rush

It's really not about you.

Stop blaming yourself! . If he's got viagra already at hand this is obviously an issue he has had that predates you.

You need a serious cards on the table discussion with him (away from the bedroom) about this. Has he been to the doctor? Is it a physical or mental issue? How has he dealt with it before?

Please, please, please don't let your wanker ex's nasty comments make you think this is about you!!

Once you have all the facts you need to decide if HIS ed is something YOU can cope with. I have a lot of sympathy for the guy, but if it is going to give you anxiety and ruin your self esteem, then otherwise perfect isn't good enough. You come first!

Honestly I would walk away. I could not be bothered to deal with that in a new relationship.

I'm saying this as someone who has a DH with ED. We have been together 20 years and it is still a hard thing to deal with. Like you I feel unattractive, I know this is not the case, and I know DH wants sex with me and does find me attractive, but it is a bit of a kicker for our relationship.

You have not been together very long and the early part of a relationship should be fun not stressful.

Definitely, this is really the time to get him to see his GP. It could just be performance anxiety, but there are lots of other things to rule out, though, so the GP is really the place to start. It wont be comfortable, it won't be easy, but it is very simple.

Thank you for all being really kind. He got the viagra from Boots after talking to a pharmacist. I will mention seeing a GP when I see him on Sunday.

I know deep down it's not me but I guess I needed to hear someone say that.

Really, it's not you, otherwise why would he be with you? Him preparing by buying viagra surely shows you that he's into you? In my experience Erectile Dysfunction is more to do with worrying about it happening, which of course causes it to happen. It can be a bit like insomnia.

Is he on any other medication?
Meds for blood pressure or depression or various other problems can cause ED. His GP can advise him on this.

OP - it a new relationship. He may or may not have ED. It’s way too early to tell.
Give him time. Really - just give him a little time and if it doesn’t improve in a few weeks - then decide.

Imagine it this way. Many women don’t orgasm easily with new partners. Not at the start of a relationship. Takes time to relax and be able to let go.
If a man started to suggest the woman visited a doctor for that - what would the woman feel?
Pressure. That would make it a lot less likely that she could get to a place where she feels comfortable with that new partner.
Men are also human and are allowed to be nervous and take their time to feel comfortable with a new partner.

Don’t send him to a doctor just yet. If you want to give this relationship a chance.

It’s not you, OP. If you like him and want to see if it improves then you’ve had some good suggestions. But if you decide that it’s causing you stress that you could do without then it’s also fine to walk away, at this early stage you don’t owe him anything and you’ve got to do what’s best for you.

MMmomDD I never thought of it like that to be honest but you are right.

My ex was on SSRI antidepressants and caused both ED and delayed ejaculation. We'd give up most times. It was soul destroying as I was convinced it was something to do with me. He'd need to have the lights on and would get all huffy if I didn't want them on. Three young children who might walk in and the lights on? No thanks. It caused major issues. He didn't admit to the medication for a long time, then came off it without my knowledge, his mood and anxiety got ridiculous so he ended up on new meds but what he really needed was CBT. He only wanted a medication to "cure" him. Despite the fact he'd had medication for years and years and he'd never improved. It got to the point I'd dread going to bed with him as knew it would end up with me feeling rubbish and him feeling crap too. One of the many reasons he's an ex.
Talk to him about it but he's very young to be having ED issues if nothing else medical is causing it.

To be honest, I'd cut my losses. One of the very best parts of a new relationship is the chemistry and exciting new sex that goes with it. I personally would not be prepared to miss out on that. It's one thing supporting an established partner through this, but you barely know this man. If he's having problems at this early stage... well, it might get better but equally it may not. It may well get worse. Are you prepared to accept that you may never have a satisfying sex life with him? How long are you prepared to give it?

Oh this is hard. But it's much more common than you realize.

Given this is a new relationship, try approaching this as an opportunity to find out what you're both like at communicating. If you tell him how upset you are about it, and that it's triggering bad feelings from your past relationship: how does he react? If he gives you a hug and sympathizes great! This is a good guy. If he gets defensive and pissy wow, ok, better to learn this now. Likewise, see if you can have a conversation with him about his history with this problem. Ask if he struggled to maintain an erection with previous partners. If he says yes, well that should hopefully give you some reassurance about that it's not about your attractiveness. But also notice how he talks about those previous partners. Did he try and work it out with them? Was he aware of how it affected them? Did he do anything to try and sort the problem out, or just let the relationship blow up because he refused to talk to a GP or therapist?

Some reasons for ED might be too hard to talk about early in a relationship -- for instance, prior sexual trauma or childhood shaming about sex. But you can get a sense, from trying to bring up the conversation, whether this is a guy who is emotionally responsible, able to talk about difficult problems, and sympathetic to his partner's needs. Use that to info, rather than just the simple fact of him having ED at the moment, to decide whether or not you want to continue seeing him.

This really does seem like a recipe for really shit sex, I would bin him off and find someone else. I was with someone a bit like this in my 20s and the fact that he wilted every time I touched him has left me with the feeling that I have ‘crap at sex hands’ ever since. Don’t stay and end up with a complex!

I’d give him a few weeks to relax. If it’s still an issue after that, then it’s an issue.

Been there, done that and still with him . I agree it takes time . If he is willing to talk about it ( let's face it it's difficult not to ) then all good . The mental stress of this adds to the physical . It's early days for you , my partner now even gets hard and ejaculates when no blue pill - go figure ! I reckon he is just getting more and more confident and relaxed with me . Yes there are still hiccups at times but he is such a lovely man otherwise . My previous partner was like the Ever Ready Bunny but he was a knob of a man . I know what I prefer .

Give him a bit of time poor chap! He has spoken to a health professional about this (pharmacists are allowed to consult and prescribe a range of treatments).

I’m another voice in the cross as saying that this is nothing to do with you.

But I am crying laughing at the pp who wrote about PIG sex 😂😂😂😂

I'm not sure how old your BF is he is but two of the men I have dated in recent years in their late 40s have had this problem. Yes it could be nerves but neither fully overcame the problem over 9 moths in one case and a year in the other - though we found plenty of ways to satisfy us both.

There can be a number of factors - viagra can make it hard for them to cum. Anti-depressants can also have an impact.

Its really not about you.

Bouledeneige OP has said in his 30s so very young to be suffering from this.
It must have been a problem in previous relationships if he went and got viagra for the first few times you had sex.
I know what you mean about you feeling like it's your fault. My ex fwb climaxed within minutes (like 2 , but so did I so was great for us both) but my ex took forever if at all. The first time we had sex I felt like I'd failed. It had never happened with any previous partners so was a shock really. I don't know if he had that problem in his marriage but he said they rarely had sex and that she was weird and had to have things a certain way (funnily enough just like him!). He'd been single 3 or 4 years before we got together and his confidence had probably suffered. However I'm sure porn and an iron fist don't help in these situations.
I'm pretty sure the problem in completely his. You're doing your best to understand and try to help which is lovely but if things don't improve then I wouldn't be pursuing the relationship. Being sexually incompatible is soul destroying.

Unless you're very attached, I would cut your losses. Life's too short to spend it trying to fix some guy. He should have sorted it out before he started a sexual relationship tbh.

Comparing him to a woman who doesn't orgasm is disingenuous. This is dysfunctional and makes a satisfying sex life impossible for both parties, whereas a woman - and her partner - can (and often do) still enjoy sex without her having an orgasm.

If it were a long term partner suddenly finding himself in this predicament then obviously the right thing to do is to stick with it, while he makes sure he spends time to pleasure you until he sorts it out.

As its so new, its just not worth the emotional and physical inconvenience of dealing with this problem. Women are always so bloody polite and accepting. Can you imagine a man being willing to sit around waiting for a new GF of 6 weeks to deal with sexual problems, whether physical or emotional, meanwhile he's feeling unattractive and shit about himself?

From a guys perspective, can you be intimate in other ways? Spend time kissing, cuddling and being loving in other ways? Sometimes if I feel nervous with a girl and things don't happen down there being loving and just touching each other can lead you to being so comfortable with someone that it just happens after time.

I don't have this issue in the same way but sometimes if I'm drunk after a night out or just feeling a bit anxious for whatever reason it doesn't happen down there but just kissing, touching and being so intimate with someone I love can lead to it just happening and it's usually ever so loving.

Given your history and his difficulties, I really don’t think this relationship has legs. It’s only been six weeks and I suspect his issues predate you and if all he’s done is get viagra OTC, then this could be a long road and your fragile MH probably isn’t up to it.

I’m sorry this has happened to you both but you do need to prioritise your MH and I fear if you let this go on, it will become more fragile. Don’t feel bad, it’s just bad timing for you both.