Feeling desperately sad

[sittingonacornflake]

So me and DP are splitting. He's looking at a room to rent tonight and aiming to go this weekend. We have a baby together.

I'm absolutely devastated.

Things haven't been right with us for a long time. I've been trying so so hard but DP has been so very unhappy - I simply cannot make him happy and it's killed me

He's being as amazing as can be about the split and basically making sure me and the baby are as looked after as he can. This is leaving DP with pretty much nothing and me and baby with our lovely home full of all of mine and DPs joint belongings (which I guess are mine now).

I just feel so incredibly guilty that I get the baby, our home, all of our stuff and DP is taking nothing. He's starting again with no money, literally just a suitcase of clothes and his computer and in someone else's house. But at the same time I know I have to provide for our baby first and foremost so I've let him give me everything.

DP is beyond upset that he won't see our baby every morning. DP already suffers with depression and I'm really concerned about him. I hate seeing him like this because I just want to shake him and show him amazing our life is / could be. But he can't see it. He's not happy. He can't find happiness in anything.

I feel in despair. Been sobbing on and off at my DM today. The unfairness of it all. The lost dreams. All our plans for bringing up our baby and family holidays, Christmas, just everything. Everything all gone.

I don't know where to start to rebuild. I feel like my life is over. I want to scream and shout and beg DP to stay because this hurts so bad. But I also know we will be back here again if he does and so this is the right thing.

How can I move on? How can I get past this? We keep hugging each other and crying about the fact our family is breaking up and how much we love each other but we simply do not work. At all.

Sorry for the rant. Feel a tad better for writing this down but also just feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm losing my love and my baby's dad

It sounds a desperately sad situation, maybe him moving out for a while will give you both some needed space and maybe things can be resolved? It doesn't sound like the love is missing from the relationship.

Agree with the PP time apart might help. I have known couples that do get back together following a break but it is far from guaranteed.

More concerning is his MH. Is he receiving treatment for his depression? How does he feel about himself? I'm a bit concerned that he may be unhappy because he feels he is worthless and doesn't deserve any happiness (hence giving you all thr possessions). I don't want to be alarmist but has he ever had suicidal thoughts?

I'd love that. I really would. But I don't want to get my hopes up about that because I think if DP is really honest with himself, he doesn't want me.

Would it be unreasonable or weird of me to tell him when he goes that I'd be open to that? As in, him going now doesn't absolutely have to be permanent but there is no pressure either way?

Sigh. I don't know.

@Notmany yes he has

I nag and nag and nag at him to get proper help from his GP but he won't. I don't know why other than he says he doesn't want to take medication. I'm scared for him

Oh OP

I'm no expert but I think he could be having a breakdown and is in a very bad place. He needs help.

The mind website has some advice:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/how-to-help/#.W3bazZ_RY0N

Being on his own is a really bad idea at the moment. Try and get the support of family and friends too.

I'm very, very concerned about him giving you everything. Has he ever mentioned suicide to you?

I think you now just have to worry about you and the baby and let him go and hopefully sort himself out. He needs to find what will make him happy. You can’t do that for him. You also can’t wait around hoping he will change his mind. Take time to cry and grieve then once he’s actually gone, start by writing a list of half a dozen things you’ve always wanted to do. Give yourself some goals. Maybe write one positive thing about your new life each morning and put it on the front of your fridge.

He very briefly mentioned suicide last night. I encouraged him to get help from his GP.

He's also said he feels like a failure of a father and he worries he's going to be like his own dad (little contact with him growing up and poor relationship now).

He's not close with family, I've only met them a handful of times. I don't think he really has many RL friends. I've certainly never met any and we've been together 5 years. I don't know what RL support he has other than me but I seem to be the problem.

@HollowTalk he's not only giving me everything but any of his own stuff like electronics, dvds, figurines etc he's selling as well. It's like he's removing anything that brings him happiness. He just said 'this is what happens to me. I buy nice stuff, my circumstances change and I sell it all again'. He's very matter of fact about the saddest of things.

Look up Avoidant Personality Disorder, see if any of that is familiar with him. Thinking of you x

@inshockrightnow you're not a million miles off.

You're going through the worst period now. I think you need to accept that there will be a period of mourning for your lost dreams. That's normal and healthy. It's great you can cry at your DM when you need to.

Of course it's right that he leaves you and the baby with most of the belongings and house. He may not be starting off with much in terms of liquid assets but he has the ability to work without worrying about childcare so he's in a fine financial position.

Whatever happens I bet you'll feel much stronger and happier a few months from now. When the dust has settled you'll be able to rebuild a happy vision for the future of you and your baby. It may be different from the vision you had a few months ago but that's OK.

Oh OP, I came on today to write your post to the word. My situation is exactly as yours and in the end I couldn’t neglect myself anymore trying to make him happy. My DH has literally just left. I know the pain you’re going through, I’m right there with you.

I can’t change my DH or make him happy all I can do is try and find my own happiness now. Tonight I’m going to write a bucket list of 10 things that I can do to improve my life/things I want to do. Maybe you can do a similar thing when you feel ready.

Wishing you all the luck in the world OP. X

Thank you @IceCreamFace for you kind words.

@Imnotyourslave - I'm so sorry to hear you're going though the same thing. The pain is so raw and horrible isn't it :(

DP came home for a cuddle with baby and a quick bit of tea and now he's gone to look at a room I've asked if we can have a quick chat when he's back. Just want to know where his head is at really. And make sure he's ok. And knows that I don't want to be this to be the end forever if things do drastically change during our time apart and he could be happy here. I might be clutching at straws though.....

@Imnotyourslave I'd love to hear what you put on your list by the way. If you are happy to share of course.

I'm so sorry OP. Is there any chance that there is someone else involved and he therefore has somewhere to go already? I've known more than one case where the man has displayed such 'generosity' on separating where that turned out to be the case.

@TwistedStitch I'd be very very surprised. DP only goes out once in a very rare blue moon without me.

OP. I don't want to sound heartless but don't waste energy feeling sorry for him, use all of your energy for yourself and your small baby. He is a grown up and can support himself. You are being left with the lion's share of the responsibility for a child. You and your baby are the priority. Look after yourself.

This is so sad and so avoidable really 😢

Whose idea was it to split up? And why? I'm not expecting gory details but is it because of his mental health?

I really hope things get better for both of you, I really do.

@IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed it was mutual although I think, no actually I know, DP has wanted to split for a while but hasn't felt able to. Apparently the day I told him about being pregnant he was going to leave me let's ignore he fact that we were actively TTC.

Yes I suppose it is because of his mental health. He's so desperately unhappy and it makes me unhappy. He is extremely negative and easily annoyed / snappy. Makes a mountain out of a mole hill, finds a problem with everything, ABSOLUTELY everything. I think this stems from his MH problems.

Problem is, he won't really get any help. He apparently sees his GP once a month to do with anger problems (and his GP diagnosed depression) but I doubt whether he is truthful about this (he has a history of lying to me) and various things he says about his appointments leads me to doubt that they were real.

If he won't get help, proper help, it's never going to change. The cycle will continue as he will continue to be down and negative and unappreciative and I will continue to be upset by it.

Hence a mutual decision to split, even though every fibre of my being is in pain about this decision. It feels so wrong and so sad. I feel like I've cried all day.

Ok, he clearly has mental health issues but he is affecting your mental health too. You need to concentrate on yourself and the baby, you can't force him to get help, only he can do that. Such a shit situation.

Thanks for being so honest Sitting. I feel sorry for both of you. I can understand where your DH is coming from making the decision to leave - he probably realises he's making all of you miserable and thinks this is the answer. This is obviously painful for you but as a PP has said, you need to put yourself and your baby first.

I feel the same as your DH. I'm having a hard time of it myself and I think I need to leave as I'm not treating my family well at all. But I would expect my DH to look after himself first.

If he really wants his family back together he needs to sort himself out by telling his GP about what's going on. And you shouldn't take him back until he's well on the way to feeling better or it will likely happen all over again.

Take care x

Well it's official. He's moving out this weekend

Some discussion was had about whether this is it or there is a chance for us in the future. He's currently of the mind set that it feels like this is it but he's not ruling it out.

However he doesn't know whether he can spend time with me once he's gone.

Wahh.

I’ve pm’d you

I'd see him giving you all of his belongings as a major red flag, especially after speaking about suicide.
He needs help. Are there any local crisis team numbers or anything which you can self-refer to? Even if it is just to log your concerns, they may be able to give you some advice.

It's a desperately sad situation. You need to look after yourself and your baby first and foremost.

for you. X