Feeling desperately sad

[sittingonacornflake]

So me and DP are splitting. He's looking at a room to rent tonight and aiming to go this weekend. We have a baby together.

I'm absolutely devastated.

Things haven't been right with us for a long time. I've been trying so so hard but DP has been so very unhappy - I simply cannot make him happy and it's killed me

He's being as amazing as can be about the split and basically making sure me and the baby are as looked after as he can. This is leaving DP with pretty much nothing and me and baby with our lovely home full of all of mine and DPs joint belongings (which I guess are mine now).

I just feel so incredibly guilty that I get the baby, our home, all of our stuff and DP is taking nothing. He's starting again with no money, literally just a suitcase of clothes and his computer and in someone else's house. But at the same time I know I have to provide for our baby first and foremost so I've let him give me everything.

DP is beyond upset that he won't see our baby every morning. DP already suffers with depression and I'm really concerned about him. I hate seeing him like this because I just want to shake him and show him amazing our life is / could be. But he can't see it. He's not happy. He can't find happiness in anything.

I feel in despair. Been sobbing on and off at my DM today. The unfairness of it all. The lost dreams. All our plans for bringing up our baby and family holidays, Christmas, just everything. Everything all gone.

I don't know where to start to rebuild. I feel like my life is over. I want to scream and shout and beg DP to stay because this hurts so bad. But I also know we will be back here again if he does and so this is the right thing.

How can I move on? How can I get past this? We keep hugging each other and crying about the fact our family is breaking up and how much we love each other but we simply do not work. At all.

Sorry for the rant. Feel a tad better for writing this down but also just feel like I'm going to throw up.

I'm losing my love and my baby's dad

Cornflake, it is probably the worst pain I have ever felt BUT I also feel a small sense of relief and calm.
Much like your DH, mine had become so lost in the depression and his own unhappiness and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way he had began to take it out on everyone around him.
It really was like living with Jekyll and Hyde and not knowing which one was going to walk through the door was exhausting. The last 4 months were unbearable, in his eyes everything I did was wrong, one minute he loved me and then the next he would tell me he hasn’t loved me for years. I realised last Sunday that I couldn’t help him, he had to do that for himself and all he was doing was dragging me down with him. I have lost so much of myself this past two years, I need to find me again.

I’m probably rambling on but I feel our situations are very similar and you’re probably feeling the same emotional exhaustion that I am. Use this separation to recharge your batteries, nurture yourself. Maybe your DH will have a wake up call, get proper help and want to try again, maybe he won’t. Either way, you’ll be in a much better place to handle whatever happens.

I shall let you know about my list once I’ve caught my breath and can get my head straight. I wanted to do it tonight but to be honest I think it’s going to be more of a ‘watch Netflix and cry’ night.
Be strong cornflake, you have a beautiful baby and it will get better. It’s shit now, really shit but take each day and it will get better. You are not alone. X

@Imnotyourslave we really do sound like we are going through the exact same thing.

DP told his dad only a week or so ago that we would be getting married next year and then can say to me virtually in the next breath that he's not sure he loves me in the right way and certainly not as much I love him.

It's exhausting to keep up with.

I hope you've had a good nights sleep. I've been awake a lot and at one point I could feel a panic attack coming. Managed to divert it but I think I must be really scared of being here alone with the baby. Not that DP ever really got involved in the childcare side of things but it's very reassuring having another adult in the house. I'm going to have to keep an eye on that.

Argh this is just happening so fast. DP is going to be out by this afternoon. Feel like I can't cope.

Hugs. Thinking of you

Thinking of you Sitting. My DH behaves like yours and for years I have tried to make him happy but only he can do that. The doctor feels he has suicidal tendancies so I can't leave . His behaviour has affected our teenage son. It may not feel like it now but you might have had a lucky escape. Look after yourself and your baby

It sounds similar to a situation I had with my ex H . Nothing anyone else did could make him "happy " or feel "valued" etc . I believe that he was /is depressed and also would not seek help in that direction . I believe he will never be happy or content even. It really really wears you down ( as someone else said ) and you end up losing yourself in the process. You have a baby to look after , a child to rear . That is your priority . What he is saying is not giving you much hope so you just have to focus for now on you and your baby . Yes your future is not what you thought it was going to be - that's life , it happens . You may be in for an even better one . Very early days for you so just concentrate on looking after yourself and your baby .

I think in a few months' time, you will feel an awful lot better, OP. You are dealing with his MH issues and he's unwilling to help himself, so that must be an awful burden on you.

I know what you mean about it being easier having someone in the house at night, but I bet if there was a problem (burglar etc) then you would be the one who'd deal with it anyway.

The best thing to do if you're worried about night times is to get organised - get a good alarm fitted if you can. Sign up to 999 so that you can send a text if necessary (I've always worried about not being able to speak on the phone if there's someone in the house) - a friend of mine who lives alone but has good neighbours, also has a buzzer by her bed so that she can buzz it and her neighbours know she needs help. Once you get organised, you can feel more safe and don't need to worry as much.

I think him leaving will be the best thing that's happened to you. Stay strong.

Some really really helpful and positive messages thank you so much. I'm going to keep re-reading this thread.

My DF also said something which made sense - when I'm feeling really low I just need to remember the really bad times where he's been angry and I've felt unsafe and be thankful that that is no longer in my life. I will be trying that.

Lots of tears today as he packed up and I helped him move to his new place (he doesn't drive). I then went home and (after another cry) did a re-organise of the house, moved photos of us out of frames. Then tomorrow morning he is coming to take the baby out so I'm going to do a massive deep clean so it feels as lovely as it can in there.

Still feels really raw however I do feel slightly less sick now so that's something.

I'm going to have to put in a claim with universal credit now to try and get some help with rent and bills as I can't afford to stay there otherwise.

Take one day at a time and focus on you and your baby. You're still reeling from the shock of this huge change in your life and I know that it can be overwhelming to look into the unknown future.

All you can do is take care of what you know today. So, breathe, hug your baby and be kind to yourself. The rest will follow.

Dare I say it - things feel a bit better today!

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better, op.

As regards the possibility that he is suicidal, my stbxh made a suicide attempt a few years ago and it was the most horrific and terrifying time you can imagine. I know it sounds heartless, but honestly you are better off away from him; you need to prioritise your own mental health and the health of your baby. You cannot make him get help.

Stay strong and keep going - you are getting there.

Ok I've now somewhat dramatically entered the 'I fucking hate the heartless bastard' mindset and binned a load of our engraftment gifts.

Felt liberating.

He's been tweeting about how you don't have to stay unhappy and how remarkable it is that you can turn your whole life around in just a couple of days. Yeah of course you can, if you are heartless enough to walk out on your fiancé, your baby, your pets, your rent and bills commitments and leave it all behind it's dead easy.

Bastard.

Wow! How insensitive of him, what a twat. Keep angry, it's a much better emotion than sadness and will carry you through.

A manchild? Who can’t cope with responsibility?

@userxx agreed. I needed anger to begin with. It would have been so much easier to cope if I could have been angry at him rather than sad. But it's arrived. And boy do I intend to embrace it (but not to his face because we have a baby and I want us to co-parent and him to stay in our baby's life. But on the inside, I'll be stabbing him between the eyes whenever he speaks).

"He's been tweeting.." Wow.