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Original poster

Any suggestions on how to deal with this 'other woman' situation?

39 replies

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 11:47

Could do with some advice...

My boyfriend has been getting somewhat 'flirty' messages (we feel) from a married woman in our friendship group.

It's one of those things where the messages could be written off as 'friendly' (there's nothing inherently 'inappropriate' about them) so he feels awkward about saying anything too direct to her about it in case he or I have the wrong end of the stick and it causes awkwardness in the social group. But he also said that he wouldn't be happy if I were sending messages like that to another man, or receiving them, so they do cross a line.

So far, he has tried responding in a friendly way that shuts her down and ignoring her but it doesn't seem to be having any impact. He's hoping she'll just get the hint eventually.

I completely understand that he doesn't want to tackle it directly - I wouldn't either if I'm honest. Not given the 'innocent'-ish nature of the messages. It's a bit easier if someone is blatantly hitting on you!

The fact he has a girlfriend doesn't seem to be an issue to her and I do know that she has a rather 'loose' commitment to fidelity - I know she's had a couple of ONSs since being married.

It's compounded by the fact that she ignores me and 'forgets' to invite me to things so there is definitely something going on...

She also does things like target him to go outside for a cigarette if we are out (I don't smoke) and she'll playfully put her arm round him or hold his hand on their way outside. But it's all done in such a way that if he says anything he feels it will cause a problem and if I said anything I'd just look silly and jealous. After all, she knows he has a girlfriend and she's married...

He has shown me the messages, he tells me everytime she messages him and has got to the point where he would rather avoid going out to places where she'll be than tell her to stop (although the messages have increased as a result). It's making him uncomfortable and he's worried about upsetting me but doesn't want to cause any conflict in the group by telling her to back off. Largely because it would seem to be an overreaction given the nature/content of the messages. He's just ignoring them now. But he finds that difficult too. And he doesn't really want to block her because she's the sort who'd tackle him about it in front of others and he doesn't want that either. He just wants her to lose interest and stop.

It's the intention that's more of a concern. And the complete lack of respect. And the annoyance.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 17/08/2018 11:56

I think by not tackling it initially she's now backed him into a corner.
Perhaps he should wait until she initiates a cosy smoking session next time you are out as a group & speak to her then one on home-he could simply say what he has said to you, that it crosses a line & he doesn't feel it's appropriate & that so far he's given her the benefit of the doubt but if it continues he will block her.
Also every time she does the jokey holding hands/arm around him he needs to brush it off firmly & put her in her place.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 17/08/2018 11:56

One on one, not home-stupid autocorrect Hmm

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/08/2018 11:57

"I know you don't mean to be, because you know we are just friends, but your texts seem to come across as a bit flirty and it's making me feel awkward when we meet up as friends."
Or he needs to say some thing face to face along the same lines, with you standing there so she knows he isn't keeping it a secret.

Anon90 · 17/08/2018 12:01

My BF has had this twice. He neeeds to tell her bluntly to back off.

The first one with us was in a LTR with a member of his family. She constantly came up with excuses to see him and tried some incredibly manipulative tactics.

It ended up with him blocking her on everything. It was vile. She kicked off so badly and behaved like his girlfriend. It made him really unwell. Everyone who knew him thought they were together and had been for years because of how she went on about him.

The second one was a married woman who was messaging him. He just did what yours has been doing and she just lost interest and defriended him. The main difference between the two seem to be that the second one had no other involvement in his life. She just had his contact details from some time ago. It did stress him out a bit like yours while she wasnt getting the message, as he hates coming off as rude.

I think these peoples behaviour is always worse when they have a little wormhole into their targets lives.

Wherearemymarbles · 17/08/2018 12:30

Does her husband not come out??

He could have a discussion along the lines of ‘do you and your husband have an open relationship? I never could do or cheat, ever’ lets her know his position without directly saying she is teying it on

Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 12:57

Her husband doesn't really come out. They aren't a 'joined at the hip' couple and she's very much a 'party girl' so it's just put down to how she is.

The thing is, it couldn't be addressed on a 'fidelity' level because, as I say there's nothing inherently inappropriate.

There's just something about it that's 'off' but it's more that there is a picture building than that there is something outrageous happening. Like a drip, drip, drip of things.

I think he will have to say something but I'm really pissed of she's putting him in this position.

Surely you'd just take the hint eventually!

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:00

Anon that sounds horrific! What on earth would possess someone to go to such lengths!

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:01

He also hates being 'rude' and doesn't want to upset her.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:02

There are some good suggestions here so thanks x

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/08/2018 13:04

Well hes choosing to upset you instead then if he refuses to tackle it. He needs to deal, just like youd have to if a bloke was coming on to you. Or maybe he likes the attention

Clairetree1 · 17/08/2018 13:09

he can just archive the chat and not look at it or respond to it?

Or if its a direct question, like an invite or something, he cd maybe hand the phone to you to answer?

"Hi, its fairylights here, thanks for the invite, we might be quite late home that night, so probably won't make it, but will let you know if that changes"

ThriceThriceThice · 17/08/2018 13:09

She's not taking the hint though is she OP?

The way I see it, he's got 2 options.

  1. Being generally 'off' with her. When she tries to go for a cigarette with him, he needs to change his mind (go off to the loo then come back to the table - being distracted). Ignore every text/message. Blatantly excuse himself whenever he gets stuck with her /leave to talk to someone else (or look at his phone).
  1. Just tell her. He's finding her messages/attention a bit much. He's not interested in her and it makes him uncomfortable, so could she stop?When she does the 'oh, I was just being friendly' routine - he can say 'of course but I'd feel more comfortable if you didn't'. He stays polite and factual - only states that it makes him uncomfortable - not accusing her of anything. If she makes a scene she will come off badly.
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:11

I know, I've said that Sad I think he just thinks that I know he's not interested in her so I've nothing to worry about.

I don't think he enjoys the attention - he's stopped going out to avoid her. And I've seen the messages he's sending back. They are polite but definitely shut down any dialogue.

He said he will say something if it becomes necessary but he's hoping she'll just stop. I think he thought she would have lost interest by now, tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:15

he can just archive the chat and not look at it or respond to it?

Oh that's a good idea. He wanted to delete but I said not to as it exists as 'proof'. But it also means he can see it. I'll suggest that.

I've suggested he accepts an invite and then just takes me with him! But he doesn't want to accept the invite.

Just tell her. He's finding her messages/attention a bit much. He's not interested in her and it makes him uncomfortable, so could she stop?When she does the 'oh, I was just being friendly' routine - he can say 'of course but I'd feel more comfortable if you didn't'. He stays polite and factual - only states that it makes him uncomfortable - not accusing her of anything. If she makes a scene she will come off badly.

That's a good idea.

No, she's not taking the hint...

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:18

He is already ignorjng the messages and avoiding her but it isn't stopping her from trying.

He does need to say something I think. He might go for the polite factual response.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 13:19

If I was your DP I would send.
Hi X, although your messages aren't directly flirty they are making Fairy and me feel a bit uncomfortable and it's impacting how often we meet up with you. I do show Fairy everything you text. Please stop sending them and hopefully our friendship group and outings can get back to normal. We'll both see you soon no doubt

Thinkingofausername1 · 17/08/2018 13:19

It's better to upset someone than letting them affect your relationship. I've had to upset a certain colleague of my dh once. I didn't care if it looked unprofessional but she seemed to ignore me each time we met her and even stuck her chest out at dh telling him what he was missing at work. I thought you little tart and had a quiet word. Sometimes in life we have to do this so people get the hint!!!

Lookatmenow · 17/08/2018 13:20

He needs to start putting a distance between them, don't answer text etc, just ignore her. No confrontation need, if she asks why, he just needs to say he was busy and forgot about the text - END OF.

Also, what on earth can she be texting that he HAS to answer her. If it's along the lines of "are you coming to XYZ" you reply on from your phone saying "yes we'll be at XYZ" can't you put yourself in the picture when she starts?

So if she's going out to have a cig with him, you say "oh, i'll come too" or arrange for him to say "i'm off for a cig, you coming Fairy?" or if she grabs his hand or put's her arm around him, i would go stand by her otherside and do the exact same to her and say "isn't this cosy?"

Let her know you have the measure of her but do it in the same way she's doing it, in a way that can be interpreted friendly and jokey but if she is playing a game, she'll know you're watching her.

And then if she doesn't back off, tell her to fuck the fuck off :)

Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:26

Fab suggestions. Thanks.

Ut's not so much that he has to.answer more just that, until he realised what she was doing, there didn't seem a good enough reason not to. That's what I mean about there not having been anything inherently wrong about the messages. It would have been rude and unnecessary to ignore initially

And then he tried just sending the same 'broken record' response everytime. And now he's ignoring.

I think he needs to say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:28

If it's along the lines of "are you coming to XYZ" you reply on from your phone saying "yes we'll be at XYZ" can't you put yourself in the picture when she starts?

That's a good idea.

She never messages me!

OP posts:
flumpybear · 17/08/2018 13:47

If I were him I'd use WhatsApp instead and add you in as a group so whenever she texts him he should copy and paste it into WhatsApp and highlight it as FLIRTY SLUT CHOPS: blah blah blah. The. He replies he FSC re your message above, copied in Fairy as it relates to us both as a couple and yes we'll be coming along to xyz
Wink

Original poster
FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 17/08/2018 13:55

Grin it's on whatsapp so that's probably not a bad idea.

OP posts:
Brakebackcyclebot · 17/08/2018 14:01

I think he needs to do something, as he's letting this affect his behaviour and his feelings about going out.

Get him to think through all his options - make sure he comes up with at least 3 or 4 options. Then look at each in turn, and consider what the reaction would be, what the result would be. One of his options is do nothing - get him to consider how that goes from here, and hopefully he'll see it isn't really an option.

What's the worst that can happen? You both lose this person as a friend. She's not really your friend though, is she?

CanIBuffalo · 17/08/2018 14:04

I don't understand why he hasn't added you to the group already if it's on WhatsApp.
He definitely needs to deal with it head on. He could start by moving away from her when she grabs him and declining to go out for a fag with her. None of those things are difficult.

weasledee · 17/08/2018 14:07

That's a great idea, just get him to add you to their conversation and make it a group one instead!