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Original poster

Disturbing obsessive behaviour by newly-dumped ex

26 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 16/08/2018 22:21

I am feeling very uncomfortable and looking for advice.

I have just finished a relationship of a year and a half. I was very happy at the start but things just weren't working out. I finished the relationship one week ago. Unfortunately it transpired that he was building up to propose and he was distraught that I felt so differently. I felt horrendously guilty but also incredulous that he could have imagined I'd want to get married. I got divorced only a year ago (separated 2.5 years) and have recently bought my own flat with my three young kids. He asked at that point if I would live with him; I said definitely not. I just want to live with my children. There was no suggestion i would want to marry him. I feel so sorry for him, but also that he was not reading the signs.

In the past week he has contacted me constantly. He has driven hundreds of miles to where I was on holiday with a friend for the weekend with an engagement ring. He has sent messages day and night, reams and reams of messages. He has recorded himself reading love poetry to me. Today was the final straw when he visited my family to tell them how much he loves me.

I can't cope with this. I have been being kind to him as I am worried about his mental well-being. He seems so vulnerable. But I am now feeling a bit scared; he is acting so obsessively I am scared he could harm me.

I don't want to be cruel as he is begging me to remain friends. But I feel a bit frightened. He has always been secretive and a bit of a loose cannon. I'm scared he's had keys cut; he could easily have done this during the relationship.

He has always been kind to me but is volatile. That's one of the reasons I ended it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Bodabing · 16/08/2018 22:26

People better qualified on here but to begin with I would change the locks, there are tutorials on you tube if you want to save money and phone Woman's aid for advice and inform 101. I think they recommend a very clear 'stop contacting me' message and then log any further contact after that cutoff pont.
Flowers for you 'cause it's shitty

RhubarbTea · 16/08/2018 22:27

You poor love. You need to immediately log your concerns with the police on the non emergency number (101), they will probably send someone to see you or phone you and they will absolutely take it seriously. They are cracking down on this kind of thing much harder now, so be encouraged that speaking to them is the way to go.

For your own peace of mind, I would also get the locks changed I think, a hassle but worth it. I'm sure others will come along with better advice but I just wanted to say don't ignore that part of you that is frightened and unnerved, don't play it down or try and be polite. The most important thing is to be safe. His version of the relationship is so different to yours and his behaviour is so outlandish that I think you have cause for concern.

Also take the opportunity to really lock down your social media profiles and tighten your privacy settings, comb through your friends list and delete anyone you aren't sure of.
To be honest I feel quite concerned for you. Please keep updating your thread if you are able so we know you're okay. x

MattBerrysHair · 16/08/2018 22:29

Tell him clearly that you don't want any contact with him or you'll call the police. Then, when he does contact you report it to the police. It's harassment. If you phone 101 you can ask for advice from the police on what to do to stay safe. It's time to stop feeling guilty about hurting him and put some firm boundaries in place.

Tictactic · 16/08/2018 22:35

Nip this in the bud. A clear message stating not to contact you and tighten security. It is an awful feeling. No feeling guilty of being nice to him as he will likely get hope from any contact at all.
if he contacts you after final message, call 101 to report. This stops and NOW.. (I was too nice)

SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 22:40

Change the locks.

Tell him you're not in a place for a relationship or friendship with him, but you wish him all the best. You need to focus on your DC.

He sounds terribly obsessive and I'm not surprised you're creeped out.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 16/08/2018 22:52

I haven't told him to stop contacting me yet - have felt too guilty up till now. I now feel I could maybe do it. Should I do that tomorrow? Or get the locks changed first? I don't know if I'm totally overreacting, I hope so, but I have a fear. He really seems completely obsessed and in denial. This is a horrible feeling.

OP posts:
AngelsAckiz · 16/08/2018 23:01

Well, you could give him the final message of no further contact and tell him you've changed all the locks. He will have no reason to disbelieve you? That will buy you some time to get them changed. Deffo log with the police as a safety measure.

You are right to be creeped out.

No means no.

No does no mean "try harder". This is male pattern abuse. It's cultural for men to persue women who reject them. Set your boundaries hard.

Don't feel guilty. Don't be nice. He's crossed the line several times already. Your children and your safety come first.

Lots of love

HazelBite · 16/08/2018 23:01

The next time he makes any form of contact tell him very firmly that you are "over" and that you do not want him to contact you any more.
Be very firm, (no nicey, nicey)
Hopefully he will get the message but I still would change your locks.

Hidingtonothing · 16/08/2018 23:07

I would change the locks and speak to Women’s Aid and police on 101 first OP, you need to have some safety measures in place before you cut him off imo. Totally agree with PP’s about not ignoring the fear, even if it comes to nothing it’s still right that you protect yourself. Keep in touch, hope he backs off Flowers

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 16/08/2018 23:08

What do you mean volatile?

Yes to changing the locks, tomorrow.

I had a guy like this, I said that his behaviour since me leaving has shown me that it was the right decision, i wanted no more contact end of. It wasn't ever going to happen, i didn't feel the same and he scared me so either way, it was over.

FlappyFeet · 16/08/2018 23:11

I would change the locks first.

ivykaty44 · 16/08/2018 23:15

Poor you

He is craving a response, so the kindest thing is to not contact or have any conversation with him, don’t get sucked into anything

ivykaty44 · 16/08/2018 23:19

If you feel threatened and spooked

Change your routines dramatically, as this will make you feel better and will also make you safer should he be up to something

Change your routine daily as he thinks he knows you..

Fruitbatdancer · 16/08/2018 23:26

I had similar when I broke off an engagement. I was getting visits, flowers, poetry and up to 300 calls & voicemails & texts a day (before the ability to ‘block’!)
He properly lost his mind. Especially when he started dating my doppelgänger 3 weeks post split, then told her he only slept with her as she reminded him of me, then she bloody start f stalking and harassing me to. It was unbelievably stressful, and worrying.
In the end I changed my number, and got in contact with his brother and mother, and told them if I heard from him again I’d go to the police. I told them everything he’d done. I told them his mental well-being was their issue not mine. And they needed to reign him in. They did. They were so understanding and had no idea what he was up to. I think they staged a ‘get over the cow’ intervention. Whatever. It worked. It might work for you if you have a family member of his who you trust to be his friend at a time in need (and control him a bit!)

wafflyversatile · 16/08/2018 23:31

I would text him

Reiterate that the relationship is over and you will not be changing your mind.
You understand that he must feel very hurt and in need of comfort and support and that the first person he wants to provide that is you but that will only prolong his hurt. He needs to turn to his family and friends for support. It is not your responsibility.
It is not fair of him to keep contacting you as you have made your situation clear.
He is not to contact you or your family again. It is not acceptable behaviour.

dragonflyflew · 17/08/2018 01:05

I've been here. More than once, partly because I was too nice and felt guilty and they kept on at me until I either have in or got scared and asked for help.
I pity you, don't feel guilty, it's not your fault that you both felt differently about the relationship.
He has to learn to accept it , not harassing you and travelling to your holiday!
its unnerving, Def call the cops, in my case, when it happened more recently I behaved far more assertively, possibly because I'm a parent now.
The last straw was when he turned up crying when my kids were home. Luckily they didn't see him. Police really helped to keep him away, thank god. Nothing since (three years later).

PookieDo · 17/08/2018 07:48

Yes the problem here is that he is just deploying selfish tactics to make you back down. You have to stop seeing it as sad and painful and seeing it as mean cruel and abusive. He isn’t taking no for an answer he is not listening to you and he is scaring you without any care for you because he’s obsessed with himself, people who cannot handle rejection do this not because they miss you but they hate losing control of you

Do you want to be friends? The answer is no. You just feel guilty that’s all and he knows it. He knows you are kind and nice and he’s using your guilt against you. Nice people take no for an answer. He’s not your friend

You must take direct action. Block him on everything and log this with 101. I’ve had it happen to me and a Friend, and it took a police warning in my case and an actual conviction and no contact order in my friends case

Please don’t let this drag on

MinaPaws · 17/08/2018 07:52

I would have a proper chat with him. Men are trained by hideous Hollywood movies and reality TV to behave in a stalkerish manner to 'prove their love'. He needs to knwo this is the opposite of love. It's disrespectful to your wants and needs. It's invasive and scary and in no way makes you want to change your mind. Give him a let out clause. Tell him you understand these are grand romantic gestures in his eyes but the effect is making you feel scared and repulsed. Tell him to back off and respect your decision and if after a few months he wants to be friends - real friends, who respect each other's boundaries and don't have underlying motives, then you can be. But for now, the pestering has made you want a complete break.

PookieDo · 17/08/2018 08:08

@MinaPaws I don’t think bribery is a good plan

BatshitCrazyWoman · 17/08/2018 08:19

I've been in your situation OP, even stalked on bloody Pinterest! I sent one text to say stop contacting me in anyway, including sending flowers to my office, or I'll go to the police. He carried om so I went to the police. They had a word with him and it stopped. They take it seriously.

Tictactic · 17/08/2018 08:23

I don't think she should enter into a conversation with him.. this will feed him. A clear message of, do not contact me.
Do not warm him of any measures you're taking ie changing locks etc do this before final message. Sadly, it seems so many of us have been here.
How long ago was it that you broke it off OP?

SparklyMagpie · 17/08/2018 09:07

Do NOT let him know of any plans of changing the locks.

Get that sorted, speak to women's and and send one very clear message and nothing else other than "Do not contact me again otherwise i will be informing the police" and then contact the police to get it all logged.

Don't enter a conversation with him and as you fear him, please do not let him know any plans

I feel for you :( what a scary situation to be in. Keep you and your children safe and make sure you let people know x

Butterfly44 · 17/08/2018 09:32

In the message to him say....
You can't make someone feel the same way you do. No matter what you do or say I just don't feel the same. I'm sorry and I know that hurts you but you can't change someone's feelings.

SparklyMagpie · 17/08/2018 09:42

@Butterfly44 that kind of message is just asking him to get even more Confused she should only message to tell him to stop contacting her

SparklyMagpie · 17/08/2018 09:42

*beg not get

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