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Original poster

I just don’t get it?

42 replies

Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 20:37

Right guys, I need your help and please do not judge I’m just after advice...

I met a guy around a year ago, I’m 32 and he’s 31 both have no kids. I was in a relationship at the time and yes I know I shouldn’t have but I gave him my number...
We texted and really hit it off but we both knew nothing could happen as he was at the time ‘emotionally unavailable’ and I was in a relationship...
He explained to me that he was a total commitment phobe really struggles with feelings and he was playing the field, we texted for quite a few months every single day and really got to know each other nothing sexual no pictures etc, we both agreed we fancied each other but it all got a bit complicated because of my situation and he basically said I was too nice for him and i needed to sort my head out, it would have never worked anyway, he needs someone to lay down the law etc which was all well and good but....

He is also still very close to his ex and does see her a lot but his ended this a year ago and swears blind he never wants to go back there and doesn’t find her attractive anymore and she’s not his future.

We continued to text every single day and became close friends. I’ve been out a few times and met his friends etc and one night I did end up sleeping with him, it completely caught me off guard we were both drunk but both of us said how amazing it was.... after this happened it turned my stomach as I’ve never cheated before in a relationship and the guilt killed me... however we continued to text and we’d speak about our relationships, how mine was doing and who he was seeing and basically have a laugh.

I then decided to finish with my relationship and stop being such a selfish b####!

We’ve continued to text every single day and we go for food occasionally or the pub. we practically tell each other everything and are very close BUT it happened again... I slept with him and now I wanted to know where I stood.

I asked him whether he fancied me and he is telling me he doesn’t fancy me but when we’re together the chemistry we have have just makes he want to sleep with me! As far as anything else it just wouldn’t happen.

The thing is we get on like a house on fire and when we’re together I totally understand what he means, we do have a major connection and we do just click and he agrees with this.

I suppose from reading the above, do you think he likes me or not because I’m totally going out of my mind guessing and I don’t understand the answer he’s given me.

His friends also comment when we are out because we just don’t stop staring at each other and the connection is very obvious, I just don’t get the situation at all...

Help!!!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2018 20:44

When you were in a relationship he saw you as a bit of no strings flirting. Now you are totally available, the goal posts have moved. You either accept that it's not a relationship and keep seeing/sleeping with him, or walk away and spend time getting your head straight.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2018 20:48

He told you he's a commitment phobic. You need to listen to him and stop daydreaming that he's going to be anything else because you want him to be.

Regardless of your 'connection', and him liking you, he has laid his commitment phobic cards on the table and you seem determined to ignore them. Why? The only one lying to you is you.
You don't 'understand' his answers because you don't want to. They seem pretty clear cut to me: "I like you and like sleeping with you, but don't want a relationship with you now or in the future. "
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them!!

AimlesslyPurposeful · 16/08/2018 20:52

I’m sorry this isn’t what you want to hear but he has told you...
He doesn’t fancy you.
He’s a commitment phobe.
He’s playing the field.
He just sees you as someone to have sex with.

If you’re looking for a committed relationship this isn’t the guy, no matter how well you get on.

twilightsaga · 16/08/2018 20:53

The connection is lust and him wanting sex most probably. Accept it for what it is or move on

ShirleyPhallus · 16/08/2018 20:56

I asked him whether he fancied me and he is telling me he doesn’t fancy me

He’s already told you. Why are you asking a bunch of strangers?

Original poster
Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 20:58

It just confused me that someone can say they don’t fancy you but then when they are with you, they want to sleep with you? I wouldn’t sleep with someone I didn’t find attractive?

OP posts:
ItWasAlIADream · 16/08/2018 21:02

Are you for real? New flash men sleep witn women they dont find attractive, men even sleep with women they dont like! Ive seen men call women they slept with some disgusting names.

ItWasAlIADream · 16/08/2018 21:02

“Every hole is a goal” basically...

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2018 21:04

You might not, but lots of people, men to be honest, do. As a woman, I can find someone attractive enough to shag, but not attractive enough to date. It's just sex! Even better if I like them as a person. But still doesn't make me want to date them.
Stop presuming he has the same feelings, reactions and thoughts as you do.

Singlenotsingle · 16/08/2018 21:07

You're a friend, providing benefits.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 16/08/2018 21:13

You might not want to have sex with someone you’re not attracted to but some people just want to have sex.

Sex with no ties, no commitment, no promises to see each other again.

There’s no confusion here - It sounds like you see more than just friendship in the future and he has told you that’s not going to happen. He’s happy to have you as a fuck buddy but that’s it.

He has been completely up front with you. Now you need to decide if you’re happy having no strings sex with him or if you should go back to having a platonic friendship again.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2018 21:14

You made yourself available to him. He told you in no uncertain terms it would never go anywhere, but you are living in hope you can change the FWB arrangement he's happy with into a relationship. You sound like you could do with some time single, to get your head together. You will not change him, you are just "any port in a storm" to him.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 16/08/2018 21:26

I don't agree that it's 'just sex' or he sees OP as an FB. They text DAILY and chat for hours - men don't do that with the same woman is they don't like her as a person - so of course he likes you OP and IS attracted, maybe he means he doesn't fancy you as a proper relationship partner, or doesn't see you in a romantic sense, but definitely as a friend with benefits, or as a woman he likes just not hugely in love with (giving his commitment phobia that's probably the best he can do with anyone!)

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 16/08/2018 21:28

He may essentially see you as a safe option in terms of he's not scared of feeling romantic but he's attached in some way possibly mainly as a friend, it's been going on for a while!

Original poster
Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 21:31

Thank you 😌! Considering we’ve only slept with each other twice in the whole year, I’d hardly call us FB.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 16/08/2018 21:32

What would you call it?

Original poster
Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 21:39

I have no idea but if I had a fb, i wouldn’t be speaking to them everyday, seeing them without any sexual intention, as I mentioned we see and talk a lot but don’t really cross the line unless drunk! I also wouldn’t be telling them absolutely everything including person things that not even theirs friends know about

OP posts:
AimlesslyPurposeful · 16/08/2018 21:44

But that’s what a FB/FWB is! A friend.

A friend you have sex with - Be that twice a year or twice a day. Someone you get on well with and also have sex with when the mood takes you. No commitment and free to see other people.

TooTrueToBeGood · 16/08/2018 21:49

You're kidding yourself. How many different ways does he have to tell you that he's not interested in a proper relationship with you? He's offering you friendship and the occassional no strings shag, that's it. You clearly want more and are just setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2018 21:49

He's your friend, but only wants to have sex with you when he's drunk. Aren't you a tad insulted by that? Not a very friendly thing to do when he knows you fancy him.
And he said he fancied you when you were unavailable, but now you are he says he doesn't?

Never presume someone else's 'connection' is the same as yours.There is no psychic link here. You are projecting your wants and desires onto him.
You like and fancy him, and feel a connection as defined by you. His meaning of 'clicking' might be completely different. He might be thinking brilliant, a bird who's a laugh and will shag me when I'm drunk and up for it and doesn't expect commitment. That's perfect for a commitment phobic!

Original poster
Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 21:52

Yeah it’s slowly starting to sink in now I’ve read the comments...

OP posts:
Mari50 · 16/08/2018 22:02

He definitely likes you.
He doesn’t fancy you.
He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
You’re wasting your time if you think he will realise you are ‘the one’
The situation is this- he enjoys your company and likes shagging your now and again at the end of the night. He’s not confused or whatever. He’s having his cake and eating it. If you’re happy with that then wire in. If you’re hoping for a relationship with this man- dream on.
You are there for the picking- he ain’t picking.
The fact that he only shags you when he’s drunk should be ringing big loud alarm bells- not wedding bells.

CheekyFuckerHQ · 16/08/2018 22:08

“He basically said I was too nice for him”
Nope. That’s not how it’s coming across. 🙄

letsdolunch321 · 16/08/2018 22:16

Stop texting, stop any other means of communication, see how often you hear from him once you become unavailable.

Musti · 16/08/2018 22:23

My friend was with someone exactly like this for years. He eventually found someone he did want to settle down with and now is married with 2 kids. My friend wasted precious years of her life with him and will never have children. He always told her that he likes her as a friend and to have sex with but not for a relationship.