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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just don’t get it?

42 replies

Ameliarose1 · 16/08/2018 20:37

Right guys, I need your help and please do not judge I’m just after advice...

I met a guy around a year ago, I’m 32 and he’s 31 both have no kids. I was in a relationship at the time and yes I know I shouldn’t have but I gave him my number...
We texted and really hit it off but we both knew nothing could happen as he was at the time ‘emotionally unavailable’ and I was in a relationship...
He explained to me that he was a total commitment phobe really struggles with feelings and he was playing the field, we texted for quite a few months every single day and really got to know each other nothing sexual no pictures etc, we both agreed we fancied each other but it all got a bit complicated because of my situation and he basically said I was too nice for him and i needed to sort my head out, it would have never worked anyway, he needs someone to lay down the law etc which was all well and good but....

He is also still very close to his ex and does see her a lot but his ended this a year ago and swears blind he never wants to go back there and doesn’t find her attractive anymore and she’s not his future.

We continued to text every single day and became close friends. I’ve been out a few times and met his friends etc and one night I did end up sleeping with him, it completely caught me off guard we were both drunk but both of us said how amazing it was.... after this happened it turned my stomach as I’ve never cheated before in a relationship and the guilt killed me... however we continued to text and we’d speak about our relationships, how mine was doing and who he was seeing and basically have a laugh.

I then decided to finish with my relationship and stop being such a selfish b####!

We’ve continued to text every single day and we go for food occasionally or the pub. we practically tell each other everything and are very close BUT it happened again... I slept with him and now I wanted to know where I stood.

I asked him whether he fancied me and he is telling me he doesn’t fancy me but when we’re together the chemistry we have have just makes he want to sleep with me! As far as anything else it just wouldn’t happen.

The thing is we get on like a house on fire and when we’re together I totally understand what he means, we do have a major connection and we do just click and he agrees with this.

I suppose from reading the above, do you think he likes me or not because I’m totally going out of my mind guessing and I don’t understand the answer he’s given me.

His friends also comment when we are out because we just don’t stop staring at each other and the connection is very obvious, I just don’t get the situation at all...

Help!!!

OP posts:

dilly123 · 16/08/2018 22:28

He sounds very similar to the "man" in my life... He has been messing with my head for 5 years... just broken my heart for the 3rd time...

But I also accept I've allowed him to do this because I've been a weak fool & far too convenient for him. All he has literally had to do is txt me & im there back believing how he's changed & in a better place now ready for a relationship.. well he's done that for the last time, I know I deserve more & so do you!

AnyFucker · 16/08/2018 22:35

He's a player

You sound played to fuck

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 16/08/2018 23:26

I disagree that he is a player . He's made it clear what he doesn't want . How is that playing ? He is being honest .

OP, you won't change him . He's made it clear to you . Prepare to move on .

SuperSuperSuper · 17/08/2018 00:03

He's been honest. You need to accept the reality of the situation, or end it amicably and move on.

findingmywaytoday · 17/08/2018 00:16

I suspect that if he really liked you and wanted a relationship with you he would make it known.

Gardenpicnic · 17/08/2018 00:28

Why would you have sex with someone who tells you they don't fancy you?

Monday55 · 17/08/2018 00:50

You're being played. You're in a worse position than a booty call.

Onemansoapopera · 17/08/2018 00:55

You're a mate who is available to empty into if absolutely no other offers are on the table. That's it. Twice in a year...he's hardly bubbling over with desire is he? Plus he already knows you're a cheat and he's a commitment phobe so it's got no future together whatsoever.

DonkeyPlease · 17/08/2018 01:28

He's been honest with you. But for what ever reason you're working hard to ignore what he's plainly said to you.

In future, try to listen to people and take them at their word. Daydreaming and pretending that they are different from what they've plainly and clearly told you will get you nowhere

Jelly67 · 17/08/2018 01:40

Why would he lie and say he doesn't fancy you if he did? Sure what would he have to gain by doing that.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/08/2018 14:12

“He basically said I was too nice for him”

More like "you're a liar and a cheat and i have no respect for you so i'm just going to use you as an ego boost and cheap shag"

desperatesux · 17/08/2018 14:21

I really don't understand where he hasn't been crystal clear. he has said he doesn't fancy you, that is brutal. I mean he didn't even try to make anything up to soften the blow. Move on really for your own sanity and self respect.

LadyMofMtsensk · 17/08/2018 19:31

Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, except he doesn't want to give you much.

Chippyway · 17/08/2018 20:14

Oh god. Move on OP. He made it clear from the very beginning he isn’t interested

Commitment phobes don’t exist and I cringe when I hear someone label themselves as one! He isn’t a commitment phobe he just doesn’t want to commit to you.

You ask why he would sleep with you if he doesn’t fancy you? Because some men do. I’ve known horrible men sleep with women after calling her the most vile names. I’ve heard men saying “a skank is better than a wank”. I’m not saying he feels those things about you, but I’m saying there are a lot of horrible men out there who will sleep with someone just because they can regardless of attraction

Move on. If he wanted to be with you he would. He’s keeping you on a string dangling. Don’t give him that power

SendintheArdwolves · 17/08/2018 20:17

The bit that seems to be tripping you up is "If it was just sex, then why all the texting and non-sexual chatting? He must like me or he wouldn't do that - what would be in it for him?"

This is a common trap that people (mostly women) fall into - assuming that if there is non sexual intimacy, then it must mean they have feelings. It drives them crazy - "I just don't get it!"

So why did he spend all that time messaging you if he doesn't want to go out with you? Because it was great for him - he had someone to give him attention, confide in, someone who would be kind if he was feeling low and celebrate if something good happened. Every time he messaged you it was a little ego boost, a little dopamine drip. It made him feel good.

I bet if you read back through your messages you will see how much emotional admin you were doing. I bet he brought his worries to you and you soothed them. When he was bored, lonely, uncertain, there you were to tell him he was marvelous.

You say he told you things he'd never told anyone else - some men do this to women and it means completely different things to each party. To the woman, it seems like "OMG, I can't believe he trusts me this much! We must have a really deep connection, and I must be very special." But to the man, you are someone "safe" to confide in precisely because you aren't in his "real" life. You can help him process a difficult emotion - many men are so emotionally stunted (thanks patriarchy!) that they can't really deal with tricky emotions, and they certainly can't confide in another man. So they bring the whole lot to a woman and dump it at her feet to sort out. She thinks it means that he loves and trusts her, when in fact it's a very one-sided arrangement.

Sorry, that turned into an essay - anyway, OP, this man is never going to be the man you want him to be. Throw this one back.

Thingsdogetbetter · 17/08/2018 20:35

@sendintheardwolves. You have just totally explained my first love to me! OMG. I've been questioning that 'relationship' for 30 years and you've got it bang on.

SendintheArdwolves · 17/08/2018 20:53

Happy to help, @Thingsdogetbetter ! (Glad to hear things got better).

I realised this when I was internet dating and having quite a lot of short term flings. The man would come over for "dinner" and end up telling me about how his parents divorced when he was nine, how unappreciated he was at work or how he worried that could never be sure if he was being truly himself and who was he anyway?

They were very, very keen to have me do emotional labour - smoothing and soothing and understanding and helping process their emotions for them. I'm pretty sure they didn't know they were doing it - they just knew they felt better afterwards.

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