I really want to get over the past but I’m struggling...

[ThroughTheLookingArse]

I’ve namechanged because I’m honestly embarrassed at how pathetic I’m being. Dh and I keep having the same argument over again, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m fully aware that I’m being irrational and pathetic but I also feel like the way he acts towards me makes everything worse.

So, in a nutshell, at the start of our relationship (the first few years):he told a lot of lies and strayed into emotional affair territory a couple of times. He swears everything was innocent and he just didn’t see that it was a problem or didn’t want to worry me, but if I explained how shit the lies and total disregard for me made me feel, he would just start shouting, not let me talk and he would leave the house. This was including when I was pregnant.

We’ve now been married 8 years and while as far as I know he doesn’t secretly meet women, I still feel a little stab in my stomach whenever a woman from his new job adds him on Facebook. It is ridiculous of me, but all the lies he told before were about people he worked with. I feel like I’m getting ready for it to happen again, even though he promises it never would. But if I try to talk/ask for reassurance he thinks I’m dragging up the past, blaming him for everything and just shouts horrible insults and tells me to get lost and he refuses to talk to me. If I cry he shouts at me for faking it and manipulating him.

So the stage we’re at now is that he really does avoid meeting up alone with other women etc. Although he worked with someone last year who he spent every break and lunchtime with, just the two of them, which makes me think he has no idea of boundaries. He knows he fucked up in the past and is sorry, but cannot reassure me as he just gets angry.

I’m sure from his side I just seem a hysterical mess, even though I don’t get emotional until he starts shouting. I can’t ask too many questions, or ask for reassurance too much (I know asking for reassurance can be annoying but if I bring it up that I’m struggling a bit he’ll literally just stare at his phone and grunt then shout if I cry.)

After shouting, a day or so later, he’ll say he really regrets what he’s said to me and is so sorry and things will be fine and he’ll be very loving until I mess up again. He sounds like an absolute arsehole but when I’m fine, things really are fine. He just can’t cope with me having any emotion or needing help from him. I’m sure I’m really annoying to be married to, as no one wants the past dragged up or emotional overload.

I just feel so lonely and absolutely pathetic. I know it’s perfectly normal to be friends with work people on Facebook, but when 3 gorgeous younger women add him, and I work in a very solitary job and don’t get much chance to make connections with people I just feel even worse. And I feel so angry, as I wasn’t the one who fucked up but I’m still carrying this pain. I know in the grand scheme of things he didn’t do anything terrible, but between that and the shouting I just feel wrecked.

So, wonderful hive mind of mumsnet, how on earth do I stop dwelling on the past and stop worrying about ridiculous things? I feel so pathetic than even after these years with nothing happening (apart from the arguments) I still tense up about people he works with. Any advice/slaps about the chops would be hugely appreciated!

Have you considered leaving? You can't get over his past behaviour and he isn't supportive.

You could try counselling or CBT for yourself, or try relationship counselling together

Is he angry/impatient with you over other things, or is it only this subject? (Is he compassionate when you're ill or upset about something else?)

.

Op I could of written your post so watching with interest. We are fine for a few months then I drag it up again.

I'd also suggest counselling.... however, you need him to be reassuring.

Unless your DH recognises he has a major part to play in your healing, you will continue suffering like this.

Here's a list that he should read

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Category12 I would be yelling LTB if I was reading this! But.. it's fine 90% of the time, and that's the problem isn't it - isn't 90% enough? Is what he's done really that bad? Absolutely not (I hope!) compared to some.

And he's only horrible to me when he thinks I'm angry/upset with him. So if I faked a smile even when I'm not ok, everything would be fine. He doesn't really do empathy for me, although he's one of those who everyone thinks is a sweetheart and so kind. It's just me he's horrible to! If I ask him to put himself in my shoes, his usual response is "I don't know how you feel and I don't even want to try." Charming.

AlfieMoon1 Sorry to hear you're going through this too. Try to think that you're not dragging it up, he's failing to resolve a problem he started. (If only I could follow my own advice!)

SandyY2K I did a big hollow laugh at that list, as I can more or less predict his answers, and that rage that will probably ensue if I ask him to look over them.
He would say that he does 1,2,3,& 4, but I wouldn't know if 1 or 2 were true really! 3 & 4 are tough again, as he will be lovely to me when things are fine and say the most horrible things when he's angry. Which do I believe?
5,6,7 nope - a gem from last night was "Why are you still making a big deal out if this? It's nothing! You're over-reacting, you're fucking crazy."
8, no idea
9,10, 11 - he doesn't want me to take out my emotions on him.
12,13, 14, 15 "i don't think it's that big a deal, why do i have to do all this shit."
16 - his phone is on silent and wifi off as soon as he gets home. He's set it so notifications don't show on the lock/home screen. Hmm!
18 - But women are adoring him! Why on earth would he set a boundary? He says he has no intention or desire to be anything other than friends. And he wouldn't stop even if it hurts me, as friendships are important. Yep, that lovely young woman you met at work a month ago - it's more important to protect her feelings than mine, but I must remain calm and devoted at all times. Ffs.

Ahhhhh I am SO angry! I feel like I have a huge growl trapped in my chest waiting to rip out of me. And so so sad. He's moping because he said mean things to me and he hates himself. That's something I suppose?

Sorry "women are adoring him, why would he set a boundary?" is my words not his! Even he wouldn't dare! The rest is all him though.

I winced when I read what you said about "until I mess up again". Having completely understandable and normal feelings is not messing up.

I feel for you. If you felt loved and reassured I don't think you'd be seeking so much reassurance. If he crossed a line before and you don't fully trust him then no wonder these feelings are coming up.

Good that you're getting angry. Your feelings are as valid as his.

Does he only work with women?
If not, does he also lunch and stuff with male colleagues and friend up men from work on fb too?

He just can’t cope with me having any emotion or needing help from him.

In the nicest possible way, if this statement is true, then you aren't in a relationship. You aren't even friends.

At the very best, you're a person who lives with him who services him, be it sexually, domestically, whatever.

You must know you can't go on like this? What's the point? Genuine question. Do you need his financial support, is that what makes this arrangement worthwhile? I ask that sincerely since you say you have kids...?

Op . this is an awful situation to be in. Things are NOT ok 90% of the time. They're only okish when you put up and shut up. He will never support you to recover from the pain he inflicted on you because he doesn't care about you or your feelings. Some things stood out for me from your post:

His comments that you are overreacting and crazy.. it's not that big a deal etc. He's minimising the impact of his behaviour on you.

Women adoring him.. he sounds narcissistic to be honest.

Him shouting at you... abusive behaviour.

He is an untrustworthy narcissistic abusive uncaring bully. It's NEVER going to get any better than this. I promise you.
Please leave him for the sake of your mental health if nothing else.

Could have written this myself almost verbatim - we've just started counselling with Relate (only had initial session so can't really comment on if it's working!)

I'm going to go against the grain slightly as I can see that people ideas of what constitutes emotional affairs etc can really affect the way they view situations. You don't explain what happened in the beginning of your relationship that worried you so much but you say he felt he was innocent, so if to him he feels that he did nothing wrong, then it will be hard for him to understand why you need so much reassurance. I get that the lying about things is an issue but often men see it (wrongly or rightly) that they are just avoiding unnecessary confrontation.

It's hard to explain so I will try with an example. I have a male friend who I work with has been married a long time and his wife seems to have a similar viewpoint to you (I.e worrying about younger work colleagues, socialising with them etc). We occasionally communicate outside work and have had the odd beer after a shift but it is completely innocent (I tell my husband). Yet he doesn't tell her about it because she is suspicious and he doesn't feel it is worth the agro. For the same reason we are not fb friends as she would question him about me (despite the fact my profile pic is a wedding pic of me and my husband). Is there a chance that your neediness and wanting constant reassurance is driving him to conceal things because he doesn't want to have to constantly explain himself or avoid simple friendships because of your jealousy?

Daisy u have hit the nail on the head on my situation. So dh doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong but by lying to avoid agro and inevitably being caught has made me not trust him
He is no longer in contact with the person I need to move on and we have done then a small thing will trigger me and I bring it all up again it’s almost as if I am scared of being hurt again so push him away
I am on the waiting list for individual counselling so fingers crossed i can resolve my issues before it’s to late

That's good @alfiemoon1 hope counselling helps. That being said men often don't make it easy for themselves! I've said to my friend, 'wouldn't it be best to just tell your wife, what if someone drove past and saw us having a beer and told your wife?' then it would look so much worse because he had lied by omission about it- making him look really guilty! But the way he sees it is if he told her and she put a stop to it (like an ultimatum) he would only be able to continue our friendship by actual deception so he does the classic avoid the issue all together man thing!

As a first note, I used to have lunch with my male work colleague every day. Nothing in it though just friends who lunched together.

However, do you have kids?
Because this no way to live.
You don't trust him, and rightly so.
No trust = no relationship (as you already know)
If no kids then this to me, is a no-brainer.

I have some understanding of this. My husband lied to me about his past for a couple of years. It devastated me and broke a lot of trust. However, he has taken responsibility for it, received counselling and is willing to chat about it whenever I need to. I'm still in pain, and sometimes a mess, but I'm fortunate that he now doesn't get angry or defensive (used to) and understands he messed up. He's gutted he hurt me. If he did still get angry, it would be harder to get over and show me he wasn't taking responsibility for his actions. I think how your partner responds is key to whether you can move forward. Your partners anger may be the guilt he feels at hurting you (that partly explained my husband's anger). You need confidence that he has changed/ is changing, and HE needs to demonstrate that.

I'm not sure I have much advice, other than it takes time to rebuild trust and confidence and that's ok. It sucks, is painful, and if you're anything like me, you want nothing more than to be free of it, and not have to worry about the past. I'm sorry your partner isn't more understanding about this and thst you can't talk to him about it. Have you or he had counselling? That may help?

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the answers, I thought everyone would say I was over reacting and being an idiot

Thanks for all the views. The more I over think about it, the more I think that it's his anger that's holding me back more than anything.

Dragon Of course he has lunch with man friends and man friends on facebook, but he's never lied to me to spend time with men, or had ridiculously inappropriate conversations with men then told me it's my fault so I guess I'm a bit less sensitive about men. I do believe he's an equal opportunity friender, he's not just seeking out women exclusively.

Daisy I'm really sad for your friend's wife that he's lying to her that easily. I can understand it if she is jealous for no reason, that must be horrible for him to live with. But - hypothetically - if he's broken her trust in the past, and every time she has a wobble he yells at her - would you still be happy to be his friend?

supaloops I read your post and nearly cried because I just thought, he must love you so much to help you through it like that.
I completely understand that it could be his guilt messing up his head. But I don't understand how hurting me helps.

He's still quiet and apologetic at the moment and we're both being a bit careful with each other, and if I just keep my mouth shut things will be fine again. When he's calm and ok, he will tell me he loves me, he would never cheat on me, he couldn't live without me, which is lovely of course - but where does all his anger come from? How can he say such horrible things to me when he's angry if he loves me so much? How can he snap so quickly and swing from knowing he messed up to saying I'm overreacting and he did nothing wrong?

I feel like he's really emotionally selfish and immature (and I hate saying that, as I hate saying anything bad about him) because 99% of times when we're arguing, if I say that him doing X hurt me, he'll immediately say "well, you doing Y hurt me much much more!" I'm not allowed to be upset about something - he has to have it worse and it's draining.

And he blames me for pushing him to shout and sadly sometimes (not every time) I do push because, yes, it's a small thing but it's still hurting me, he's still not protecting me, he still doesn't get it. But I also see his side, that it's completely innocent. I just wish he could see my side and understand I don't want him to stop having friends at work, I just want to know he has my back.

When arguments escalate, I'm not allowed to speak to him anymore. And if I do, whether it's me apologising, or asking him to calm down, or getting angry too, if I dare to carry on speaking he'll insult me, tell me shut up, shut doors in my face etc. Obviously then I feel even worse, because as well as the past not getting resolved, I then feel like he hates me so much, so why wouldn't he cheat on me? Then he says sorry the next day, that he didn't mean it and expects me to be happy and fine. I don't think he realises that I have the pain of all the lying and betrayal from the past, plus the pain of every fight and all the horrible words since then. And yet I need to shut up and be fine.

I really feel for him too, because to be doubted must be a horrible feeling. I always tell him that I do trust him not to cheat, but the fights have left me with zero confidence in myself, or that he truly loves me so sometimes I need a bit of reassurance. He honestly thinks I'm abnormal and controlling, yet he's admitted if the situation was reversed he'd be upset too.

I'm trying to keep my mind off it, but I keep having weird palpitations that make it hard to catch my breath, fgs. Why can't I just be cool and confident and not let any of this get to me??

It would be such a relief to you to end this relationship, you know. It shouldn't be this hard. It eats away at everything good you have together. I tried really hard with my ex, but wish I'd let it go sooner, it was a weight lifted when I finally chucked in the towel.

Leave

Why stay

He is abusive

He is !!!

You’d think was you who was the one who’d broken the trust in your marriage!

His behaviour towards you is just terrible and unless he agrees to some counselling, inorder to sort his reaction out, I would leave him.

This will not get better unless he gets help.

I couldn't live like that. There's an expression "street angel, house devil" which usually applies to domestic violence, but it applies to him, too. He likes to put the best of him outside the home. You get all the crap. And all the blame for not wanting the crap.

Do you have any particular reason to stay with this man? You do know better relationships can be had, don't you?

I do completely understand how it looks like a LTB situation, but I'm really aware that I can only give my side of the story. Maybe to him I am really annoying and over emotional and I'm just too stubborn to realise. Would even that justify how much he shouts at me though?

We do have DC, so it makes it hard to walk away. And when it's one problem rather than a multitude it feels like such a waste if it's something that can be fixed with some empathy and love. And if he loves me, surely that shouldn't be hard. It's so frustrating. I'm furious that he can get so angry at me, I'm so sad that he doesn't love me enough to calm down. I'm angry at myself that I can't just magically let it go.

Go to counselling yourself.
Try relate or something together.
Throw everything you have at it.

Bear in mind for the long run, if you're modelling a poor relationship to the dc, you're not doing them any favours. I provide a happier, more emotionally safe home on my own.

@ThroughTheLookingArse, hypothetically, if he had broken her trust and was then shouting at her regularly of course he wouldn't be the man I think he is and I'd judge him for it, but again it depends on his view of what breaks the trust.

From what you write your DH seems an arse but it can also be exasperating to live with someone insecure, if you are constantly walking on egghells wondering what might set them off, especially if it is something that you find it hard to see the problem with. I'm really not trying to put the blame on you, I know it not coming across well because I'm not in your relationship so I can't see the balance. If you're having a wobble every week and he's sick of constantly reassuring you--then I can see why he may get a bit shouty because he may feel that it's banging his head on a brick wall and what more can he do to justify/prove himself.

If it's just a couple of odd wobbles a year that are triggered as a reaction to something obviously suspicious then he is definitely a dick for dismissing your worries!

It sounds to me like you are never really going to trust him regardless so you have to decide whether it's something you can live with or whether you're best off out of the situation all together x

It’s a vicious circle. You get upset and seek reassurance, he feels mistrusted, he gets angry, you need more reassurance. And every time this happens you are both reminded of the past which makes you both feel bad.

How do you start to trust someone again? It takes time and it means taking risks. Next time you are feeling worried and insecure, ask yourself whether there really is any evidence that he is lying to you or doesn’t love you. When people say you have to draw a line in the sand when you continue a relationship after an affair, they are right. If it keeps coming up, neither of you can heal or move forwards. It is like opening a wound again and again.

I totally see why you are hurt. Not trusting him is also damaging to the relationship though. At some point both of you have to decide to draw a line to move forwards in the relationship. I wish you well.

I am kind of in the same situation. Partner met a young stunner in an airport shop, got talking turns out she was into the same sport he is and invited her to his club. Met her collected and dropped her home a few times, texts but nothing inappropriote but him going out of his way to help with jobs, trying to get her into his exclusive and expensive club for free texting while on holidays etc etcway too much contact for someone you met in a shop. He never told me although he said he told me he was playing her but never mentioned who it was or how they met. I only discovered when I checked his phone when I felt things had changed for him with regards me, He seemed to have "checked out"
He is twice her age but rich. I don't think anything happened but probably only because she didn't want it to
He thinks I'm a crazy loon as nothing happened and he is clinging to that fact as a way of absolving himself. Everything is fine as long as I don't bring it up but I don't trust him. I'm not sure I will again as I think it will happen again as he doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he did, and the next time the lady in question might bite.
I have no advise but i am fairly stuck financially so have to stick it out for a while yet, if not I would probably have cut my losses, it is torture