I really want to get over the past but I’m struggling...

[ThroughTheLookingArse]

I’ve namechanged because I’m honestly embarrassed at how pathetic I’m being. Dh and I keep having the same argument over again, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m fully aware that I’m being irrational and pathetic but I also feel like the way he acts towards me makes everything worse.

So, in a nutshell, at the start of our relationship (the first few years):he told a lot of lies and strayed into emotional affair territory a couple of times. He swears everything was innocent and he just didn’t see that it was a problem or didn’t want to worry me, but if I explained how shit the lies and total disregard for me made me feel, he would just start shouting, not let me talk and he would leave the house. This was including when I was pregnant.

We’ve now been married 8 years and while as far as I know he doesn’t secretly meet women, I still feel a little stab in my stomach whenever a woman from his new job adds him on Facebook. It is ridiculous of me, but all the lies he told before were about people he worked with. I feel like I’m getting ready for it to happen again, even though he promises it never would. But if I try to talk/ask for reassurance he thinks I’m dragging up the past, blaming him for everything and just shouts horrible insults and tells me to get lost and he refuses to talk to me. If I cry he shouts at me for faking it and manipulating him.

So the stage we’re at now is that he really does avoid meeting up alone with other women etc. Although he worked with someone last year who he spent every break and lunchtime with, just the two of them, which makes me think he has no idea of boundaries. He knows he fucked up in the past and is sorry, but cannot reassure me as he just gets angry.

I’m sure from his side I just seem a hysterical mess, even though I don’t get emotional until he starts shouting. I can’t ask too many questions, or ask for reassurance too much (I know asking for reassurance can be annoying but if I bring it up that I’m struggling a bit he’ll literally just stare at his phone and grunt then shout if I cry.)

After shouting, a day or so later, he’ll say he really regrets what he’s said to me and is so sorry and things will be fine and he’ll be very loving until I mess up again. He sounds like an absolute arsehole but when I’m fine, things really are fine. He just can’t cope with me having any emotion or needing help from him. I’m sure I’m really annoying to be married to, as no one wants the past dragged up or emotional overload.

I just feel so lonely and absolutely pathetic. I know it’s perfectly normal to be friends with work people on Facebook, but when 3 gorgeous younger women add him, and I work in a very solitary job and don’t get much chance to make connections with people I just feel even worse. And I feel so angry, as I wasn’t the one who fucked up but I’m still carrying this pain. I know in the grand scheme of things he didn’t do anything terrible, but between that and the shouting I just feel wrecked.

So, wonderful hive mind of mumsnet, how on earth do I stop dwelling on the past and stop worrying about ridiculous things? I feel so pathetic than even after these years with nothing happening (apart from the arguments) I still tense up about people he works with. Any advice/slaps about the chops would be hugely appreciated!

Hmm, looking at this from another point of view, my Dsis has overly emotional outbursts on a regular basis, her DH sort of ignores them now , but if she has them in front of me I get very irritated and usually end up telling her to "get a grip", just saying that regular emotional, tearful outbursts do irritate people esprcially if the recipient believes there is no basis.
I would suggest to the op that perhaps couples counselling might be a good idea, or quietly explaining to her H, that due to his past behaviour she feels really insecure and he needs to appreciate this.

If his temper tantrums only surface when the OP starts crying , perhaps its something she should try to control and see if it makes any difference, if it doesn't and the Op cannot get over his past mistakes there is no point in continuing the relationship.

I completely agree with all @Daisymalone says. She's put it so much better than I could have done. You really do either have to let any past stuff go or you have to split up because a relationship really shouldn't be this hard surely ? Men can be such asses at times but I can see why he'd be so hacked off if you keep dragging it up and in his mind bring needy and accusing if nothing happened. It's perfectly ok for men and women to be friends so long as it stays as friends only.

It’s definitely not a weekly outburst, thank god!

I just do not learn from my mistakes. In my head I think ok, I’ll tell him I’m having a wobble but it’s not his fault, he’ll give me a hug and tell me I’m a daft twat but his favourite daft twat and I’ll feel fine.
When the reality is, I say I’m not ok, I’m having a wobble but it’s not his fault, and he gets tense immediately and starts eye rolling and huffing and it’s clear he doesn’t want to help, it’s just an annoyance. I don’t just start shouting and crying at him - that would be very weird!

I think I’m confident now that the issue isn’t really the past, or female friends, it’s this horrible anger of his and I don’t know how to cope with it. I’m sure if he didn’t have these outbursts I’d feel a lot more secure. I don’t know. Maybe I do just have to stop expecting him to understand and let it go for both our sake.

He doesn’t sound very nice to me - You said he’s never had a frank conversation with you about how you felt, even when he was initially caught out lying. If you had talked about it all honestly at the time and he had acknowledged how you felt and you had both tried to move on but you kept bringing it up then I can see why he’d get annoyed with you. But if he’s has not once admitted to doing something that hurt you or at least tried to understand how you felt then really how is this situation going to get any better? I don’t think I’d put up with feeling like you describe tbh, it sounds miserable.

Also - think about your wedding day and vows you made etc. Was this what you were hoping for? If he’d said to you just before you got married "I don't know how you feel and I don't even want to try." would you have thought - oh great what a catch. Did you say to your friends and family, I’m just so glad I met someone who “can’t cope with me having any emotion or needing help from him.”
From what you’ve said I don’t think your overreacting, even if you were bursting into tears once a week why would he be slamming doors in your face and shouting at you. Idk, Mumsnet honestly makes me glad to be single half the time. I hope you can have some clarity on the situation and have irl people to talk to.

I totally get you OP, similar position, found out 19 months ago about something from 11 years previously, but it was something emotional over quite a period. I found written evidence as he wrote songs about it and then forced them onto CD. It was a shock, the person was young at the time ( 21) and did bits of work for us. I have no idea if she was aware as i am to,d it was a crush in his head that went way too far when he was feeling down. He is sad I know that he has upset me so much, however like your partner it is to be honest 'the thing that can't be mentioned'. I haven't left but I can't hand on heart say I 100% feel the same.