Is this abuse?

[lrh3891]

If your partner did the following, in the space of a month, would you a) consider it abuse to you and/or your child, b) Ltb and c) be concerned about the impact of his behaviour on your young child (almost 2 years old).

• snatched your phone out of your hand because you were looking at it, having told him that you were not engaging while he was shouting at you, and threw it hard against the wall (so hard that it left a dent)

• called you a fucking idiot and a nightmare to live with and a fucking bitch and asked why you can't just listen to him, why you have to question and argue (multiple occasions, in front of child)

• told you he can't stand to be around you. Said if you ever "speak to him like some fucking black bitch again (you are not black, he means anything with any attitude) he will leave and you will never see him or a penny of his money again"

-told your (also his) child that if he didn't stop screaming and get in to his car seat, "we won't be going on holiday and I will leave and you will never see me again".

For context, you have no doubt he loves your child, and shows plenty of affection, has never been difficult about money (is very generous for the most part but occasionally throws it back in your face when he feels you are not pulling your weight around the house or he is not getting his way), and you do not believe he would ever physically hurt either of you.

I don't know what to think or where to turn on this.

Yes it is, and yes you should leave for your own sake and your child.

I would say yes to all three of your questions. It is abusive behaviour and I would be very concerned about the affect it would have on a small child.

yes, yes and yes

100% yes, Of course it’s abuse. Get your child away from him.

All of the above. Leave the abusive twat and save yourself and your child.

Bloody hell. YES. With knobs on.
And screaming threats to leave his dc and never see them again at the dc is child abuse!! Poor dc must be so confused. This is not the action of a man who 'loves' their child.

This will escalate..you are both in danger. Start quietly planning an escape now.

It's all abusive. I couldn't live with someone who spoke to me or my dc in that way.

How long has it been going on?

Hello I'm so sorry to hear how bad it is for you .I agree with the posts above it is abuse it'll only get worse that's how it starts .please get away soon as you can for your child's sake and yours you both deserve better than that bully .

Yes it’s abusive behaviour!

Sounds like a narcissist 😬

He claims the child is too young to understand.

Whilst I agree that the concept of "forever" is probably lost on them, I disagree that it would have no impact.

Additional context, I am not perfect. DC is going through a very difficult phase, extremely clingy to me (literally I can not go to the toilet alone) and throwing absolutely massive tantrums. At least once a day I find myself shouting. Just their name, once, to try and "shout over the tantrum" as it were, and get their attention, but he says that if what he does is abuse, so is what I do. I am not a perfect mum. But I never ever make threats, punish, or otherwise behave nastily to my dc. Am just really feeling the pressure. Perhaps I am just as bad.

Abuse. Leave

@3girlmama yes that is what I think. I have SO much guilt around him, my child, our situation, and everything. I don't know which way is up.

He has threatened full-scale legal action if I try to leave and take our child and says he will win because he has more money so can afford a better lawyer.

You sound like a normal mum. Your DC sounds like a normal toddler. Your DP sounds like an abusive prick. From your OP it sounds like you have already done your research about abuse. You know Thea seers to the questions. He won’t change. He will get worse. Your child will think this is normal and grow up to abuse or be drawn to abusive partners. I know you don’t want that. You’re a long time dead. Leave.

He is absolutely abusing your child and abusing you.

He's trying to scare you to prevent you from discovering the truth, which is you can leave him, you can claim child support from him, and there's not a damn thing he can do about it.

Start planning to leave without telling him. You need to save your child from this hideous situation.

Keep posting on MN for support, sadly there are plenty of people here with previous experience who can help you see a way out.

Go and get your own legal advice and don’t tell him.

Yes, yes and yes.

He's following the script by telling you that he will take your child. He's bluffing.

Courts decide in the best interests of the child, not who has the best lawyer! They're not idiots and have heard it all before. His trying to smarm and pay his way to custody won't fool them.

Who is the primary carer? Who does the night feeds, who comforts the child etc etc. That's what the courts will be interested in. Start a diary of who does what and how often. Playing with dc every now again does not make him father of the year. Getting up in the middle of the night, changing nappies and clean up vomit is the baseline of fatherhood. Who does this? Doubt it's him!

I very much doubt he'd actually want sole custody anyway. He's only threatening that to keep you in line. Hear it all the time on mn, and they never try once woman is out of their control. Most don't even bother with regular contact with dc.

However, I'm not surprised your dc is clingy and throwing temper tantrums in this unhealthy environment. But please don't shout at him. One, your partner will use it against you, and two it'll only freak out dc more. Dc won't know the difference between attempts to distract him and anger.

You need to gets ducks in a row, work put what £ you'll be entitled to and start reacting out for to e.l support.

And fuck feeling guilty. You're not the asshole ruining things here: he is!

I agree my ex threatened everything under the sun.be brave and make the first steps to a happier safer new life. Dvap are amazing support and will help you in every way .I too get stressed and shout sometimes mainly because my dd has issues that are hard to deal with alone.

Its not you, its him and he does not have to hit you (yet) to hurt you. What he is doing here is working for him just fine till it does not then he will in all likelihood hit you. You are in an abusive relationship with this man and your child will be affected by seeing his mother being abused by her so called partner. And no, the child is not too young to understand either.

His threats against you are empty ones designed to both control and keep you in the hole he has dug for you. Its all part of the well worn script such abusive men trot out to their targeted victims.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can also help you here OP as would the Rights of Women organisations.

Yes, yes, and yes. Someone who truly cares for,you and loves you would not treat you like this. It sounds as if he likes to control things and complains when things don’t go as he likes. This is not a balanced relationship.

Thank you everyone.

The extra complication is that we do not live in our home country (the uk) - I desperately want to move back as I have no friends here and am very isolated, but have no legal right to do so unless I am granted sole custody. However I am in a country which is pretty favourable towards fathers so unless he is genuinely abusive and a danger to dc, that won't happen. I also have no access to women's aid etc.

I have taken and hidden my dc's passport (and my own) and made an appointment with a lawyer. He wants us to see a lawyer together but he is too good at presenting facts in a way which suits him, is very charming and manipulative and I would be too worried about repercussions to talk honestly about some of the things which have happened and about what I want, to discuss in front of him. So I will go to a lawyer with him, but I want my own separate advice too.

I really am grateful for the input- I told him recently that it was abusive (after the incident threatening to leave our dc) and he said he knew he made a mistake but he is not abusive, and got all upset and contrite. So I don't know whether I'm over reacting or not. Argh.

You're not overreacting hun please don't feel you're imagining it.emotional abuse scars take longer to heal .could you keep a diary or maybe record him in your phone ?you will get through this and you have all the mn ladies to support you .sending you and your dc lots of love

Where was the dc born?
Is there anyway you could back to the UK for a 'holiday'?