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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this abuse?

45 replies

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 17:20

If your partner did the following, in the space of a month, would you a) consider it abuse to you and/or your child, b) Ltb and c) be concerned about the impact of his behaviour on your young child (almost 2 years old).

snatched your phone out of your hand because you were looking at it, having told him that you were not engaging while he was shouting at you, and threw it hard against the wall (so hard that it left a dent)

called you a fucking idiot and a nightmare to live with and a fucking bitch and asked why you can't just listen to him, why you have to question and argue (multiple occasions, in front of child)

told you he can't stand to be around you. Said if you ever "speak to him like some fucking black bitch again (you are not black, he means anything with any attitude) he will leave and you will never see him or a penny of his money again"

-told your (also his) child that if he didn't stop screaming and get in to his car seat, "we won't be going on holiday and I will leave and you will never see me again".

For context, you have no doubt he loves your child, and shows plenty of affection, has never been difficult about money (is very generous for the most part but occasionally throws it back in your face when he feels you are not pulling your weight around the house or he is not getting his way), and you do not believe he would ever physically hurt either of you.

I don't know what to think or where to turn on this.

OP posts:

Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 18:11

Dc was born here (outside uk). I can freely travel with dc any time I want but I need permission to be out of the country for more then 28 days, or I am technically guilty of kidnap and could genuinely have dc taken away.

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Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 18:13

He told me today that when he cheated it was my fault because I had got fat and he didn't fancy me any more and he needed to get his end away. He said this in front of our child. I don't think that is ok!! But I have no proof, and in a day it'll be forgotten. I have been in this situation for far too long and I am far too sad.

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Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 18:14

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you. I know I shouldn't shout. I really do try. And I feel horrible every time. I know it's not an excuse but I feel under so much pressure that sometimes it is just all i can do. But I know it makes me awful.

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DrMorbius · 16/08/2018 18:19

Here we go again, drip, drip, drip

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 18:20

We all feel the pressure hun you're human and doing a great job.come to the UK for a few weeks and get legal advice here there's a women's and children's shelter in york .I'd contact women's aid soon as you get to the UK.you can escape him you're a strong amazing lady .

Dollius01 · 16/08/2018 18:24

What’s that supposed to mean Morb?

Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 18:25

Sorry @DrMorbius are you upset that I didn't feel comfortable putting all the details of my entire relationship in my OP? Perhaps you feel I owe you more information? Perhaps it's not ok for me to sit here thinking things through and posting on my own thread as I do so? Perhaps I am slotting pieces together? Perhaps some things I know aren't right but some things (in my OP) I wonder if they are just normal ups and downs of a relationship.

Perhaps if you don't have anything nice to say to someone who is having the worst time of her life, you should fuck off my thread and find something that suits you better.

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OrangeCarpet · 16/08/2018 19:11

Love your last post Irh. That’s the attitude that will get you out of this scenario.
Are you able to say what kind of country you are in if not the actual country. Might be worth getting some legal advice from inside the uk.

Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 19:35

Well said both of you .can do without the haters life's too short

Butterfly44 · 16/08/2018 19:47

I would come back here for a short holiday ...book the return ticket even for show. If it's suspicious say someone is ill and you need to come see them with DC. It can't be kidnap if you are escaping abuse. And here you are under UK law, you are the mother. I'm no solicitor but you should get one to get advice, get your child naturalised here etc

Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 22:07

@butterfly it's an international law, only a few countries don't comply. I get it, it's designed to stop people being able to just take their dc and leave the country, but it sucks for me. He told me this evening that if I tried to take our dc out of the country he would make sure I was physically unable to do so. I believe him.

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Mummybearpeanut · 16/08/2018 22:19

Oooh I'm seething for you what a total wanker .sorry for the language .is there anywhere where you are you can talk to or even the police ?can a family member fly over to help you even if you pretend their coming for a holiday? I really feel for you I really do .xxxxx

MimpiDreams · 16/08/2018 22:32

DO NOT follow the advice of people on this thread telling you to return to the UK by stealth and seeking advice from there. If you remove your child from their country of residence without the consent of the father or a court order it is child abduction. Your child will be returned to their country of residence, in accordance with international law, and you risk losing custody completely.

Seek legal advice in your country of residence and go from there.

Original poster

lrh3891 · 16/08/2018 22:41

Thanks @MimpiDreams - I have no plans to remove dc by stealth, you are absolutely right. I have looked into this at some length and want to do everything completely by the book. I am, sadly, aware of the consequences and having panic attacks at the thought of being trapped in this shithole of a country for the next 16 years with no job, no friends and no life!! Boo for international law but yes I know, it is actually a good thing

Appreciate your post- am seeking legal advice here.

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Original poster

lrh3891 · 19/08/2018 20:26

For those of you who were so kind and supportive- he has gone. Moved out yesterday. I am devastated and terrified about being a single parent, but it's probably the right thing. I have an appointment with a lawyer this week, just to get some advice on everything. So I feel like I am moving forward. But god, it's crushingly lonely!

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OrangeCarpet · 19/08/2018 20:29

This is great news. Yes very scary time. But things will get better.

Scifi101 · 19/08/2018 21:28

Now he's gone you have a safe space.

Why not remove all trace of him and makes your house into a home you love. A place that you can be calm and free from stress in.

It's scary but in some ways exciting too.

MellowMelly · 19/08/2018 21:44

@lrh3891
Always a scary lonely time initially but thank goodness he has gone. Stay strong!
Keep us posted!

LunaLovegoodsRadishes · 19/08/2018 21:49

I have no advice but . You sound like a strong person. You will get through this.

Giraffey1 · 19/08/2018 22:06

That’s a great update, OP. Of course it feels scared and uncertain but this should be the start of a bright new chapter for you x

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