Sorry for this being a bit all over the place. I don't really have many people to talk to in RL and often I don't talk about how down I feel.
I just went to get my fertility checked, at the grand old age of just 40, single and with no one on the horizon. The answer was, you have eggs, but you have to decide about having a baby now. you don't have time to waste anymore.
I'm feeling really down about it all, I split up with someone who I really loved, but who just wasn't in the right place, an after splitting up, I hear on the grape vine that he's back together with his ex. they have 2 kids together and I think the thing he really couldn't handle was being apart from the kids, which I understand. So that's 3 years of my fertile years gone for nothing.
My ex before him, I spent 10 years with and he had various mental health problems, so having kids was put on the back burner. I ended it eventually, mainly because I did want kids and I was 36 and I had to decide then and there whether to stick it out and hope things would change or try and meet someone new. We have stayed friends, but I find it very hard to talk to him without thinking you wasted 10 years of my fucking life (which I know is irrational, I could have left a lot earlier, but I thought if you loved someone you helped them through their problems)
So my choice now is to go it alone, or hope that I might meet someone and that my fertility wont seriously drop (it's already low) ASAP. I don't feel ready for either.
After the split from ex1 I had nothing to my name and debts, I live in a friends house on a reduced rent, my hours got cut from my job so I'm 15k worse off. I love my job, it's a niche area so going out and getting a new one is not easy.
I just feel like I've made every wrong decision I could and every other fucker (ex1 has new 32 yr old g/f) (ex2 has his family back) gets to just be fine in life. but most of all I am so angry at myself for letting this all happen.
All I wanted was a little family and a pretty standardly ok life.
If I go it alone, it will cost a lot of money, as I would need IVF, I don't produce enough eggs to do IUI so thats 8k minimum.
with nowhere to live, no familial support. sometimes I think I could just about manage and sometimes I just can't see a way of doing it.I also don't really want to do it on my own. I want to share the joy of a child with someone else.
I just feel like everyone else managed to not fuck up what they wanted in life.
Jesus, I'm sorry that sounds like a total pity party, and in RL i'm not like this, I'm always the one everyone turns to, everyone can rely on. I just feel so alone with these feelings, I couldn't stop crying this morning.