feeling like I've failed at life

[lowtide]

Sorry for this being a bit all over the place. I don't really have many people to talk to in RL and often I don't talk about how down I feel.

I just went to get my fertility checked, at the grand old age of just 40, single and with no one on the horizon. The answer was, you have eggs, but you have to decide about having a baby now. you don't have time to waste anymore.

I'm feeling really down about it all, I split up with someone who I really loved, but who just wasn't in the right place, an after splitting up, I hear on the grape vine that he's back together with his ex. they have 2 kids together and I think the thing he really couldn't handle was being apart from the kids, which I understand. So that's 3 years of my fertile years gone for nothing.

My ex before him, I spent 10 years with and he had various mental health problems, so having kids was put on the back burner. I ended it eventually, mainly because I did want kids and I was 36 and I had to decide then and there whether to stick it out and hope things would change or try and meet someone new. We have stayed friends, but I find it very hard to talk to him without thinking you wasted 10 years of my fucking life (which I know is irrational, I could have left a lot earlier, but I thought if you loved someone you helped them through their problems)

So my choice now is to go it alone, or hope that I might meet someone and that my fertility wont seriously drop (it's already low) ASAP. I don't feel ready for either.

After the split from ex1 I had nothing to my name and debts, I live in a friends house on a reduced rent, my hours got cut from my job so I'm 15k worse off. I love my job, it's a niche area so going out and getting a new one is not easy.

I just feel like I've made every wrong decision I could and every other fucker (ex1 has new 32 yr old g/f) (ex2 has his family back) gets to just be fine in life. but most of all I am so angry at myself for letting this all happen.

All I wanted was a little family and a pretty standardly ok life.

If I go it alone, it will cost a lot of money, as I would need IVF, I don't produce enough eggs to do IUI so thats 8k minimum.
with nowhere to live, no familial support. sometimes I think I could just about manage and sometimes I just can't see a way of doing it.I also don't really want to do it on my own. I want to share the joy of a child with someone else.

I just feel like everyone else managed to not fuck up what they wanted in life.

Jesus, I'm sorry that sounds like a total pity party, and in RL i'm not like this, I'm always the one everyone turns to, everyone can rely on. I just feel so alone with these feelings, I couldn't stop crying this morning.

thanks @KlutzyDraconequus

sadly not. my job is virtually impossible outside of london. I work in the arts, in a very niche area, which i've spent 15 years doing! if I walk out of it, then I pretty much walk out of the whole thing.

Tough spot you're in then.

But you sound unhappy so something has to give somewhere. You just have to figure out what you want most out of life...
I can't help with that because I don't know myself. Lol.

Again, jobs and relocation are also often factors even when there is a partner in your life. Consider whether it'd be better to stay where you are. Working from home. Getting an au pair. Retraining. Taking your existing skills digitally or using them differently. Lots of things to consider. Remember when children are little they don't take up much space and before they're at school, a nursery is a nursery anywhere. Look at tax credits and so on.

A child does mean a change but if it's just the one, the child can easily be accommodated into your existing life, both financially and practically.

Thanks musti
That’s really encouraging

Come on musti - "a child doesn't take up much space when they're small"? Have you got DC? The baby, the pram/buggy, the cot, somewhere to store the bottles, sterilizer, formula, nappies, wipes, dummies, bedding, clothes, toys. That's just for starters...

Yes - 4. They all stayed in my bed when they were little but we had a cot. A pram and their stuff doesn't take that much space.

I just wanted to remind you that you haven't fucked up. So many of us were brought up to think if we worked hard in all aspects of our lives and were good people, then everything else would slot together. But life doesn't necessarily work out as we would wish. I thought I had everything and am now unexpectedly a single mum. I am finding counselling is really helping me get my head round things and would recommend to you too.

Thanks @unexpectednewstart
Very kind words. I do see a therapist. I think even she got a bit annoyed with me for going round and round in circles and talking about the same things.

I have said to my ex1 that I can’t really be “friends” with him anymore, I think it was making it harder. He phoned me last week for advice on his new girlfriend. And like the person I am I just sat there and listened! Ex2 is no longer in my life anymore.
So hopefully I can have a clear head without these men!

Feeling really low today. Been thinking about a lot of things. I can’t in all honesty afford to have a kid on my own. I’ve done all the sums over and over and it’s just not feasible, I’m in a sort of deadzone where I earn too much for benefits but not enough to go it alone. If I had a partner things would be different.

I miss my ex so much as well, and not having him in my life is really making me struggle. Everything reminds me of him. I miss his friendship and I feel so sad I’ve lost him. If nothing else we were such good friends, I miss being friends with him.

Sometimes, more often than not I just don’t see the point. I just go to work, come home. And repeat, I’ve done volunteering, I’ve met new friends, I force myself to be positive and get out there. But I just feel like I’ve lost everything I cared for, because of the mistakes I’ve made.
I just end up crying all the time.

Aw op.
Hope you feel better.
I wish there was more we could do here really. But you gotta know it will get better.. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but eventually it will.

Have you considered adoption? I know it’s in no way am easy option - but if IVF would cost you £8k, would adoption be a better solution financially?

I’ve just turned 44. No partner. No kids. My only family live on the other side of the world. I’ve been lying in bed crying all evening. My life has not turned out the way I hoped it would at all.

Sorry @DaphneduWarrior
I think we all struggle with our lives not turning out how we want.

It’s the cost of living I can’t do. No other cost. I couldn’t bring a child into the world planned and have no way of giving them a semi basic life.
Thank you @KlutzyDraconequus that meant a lot, I know time helps, I’ve just fucked up over and over.

Are you sure IVF would be 8k+?

One of my relatives had it very recently (still pregnant) and I'm sure she said it was closed to 4k. She wasn't entitled to any free rounds due to area

I know time helps, I’ve just fucked up over and over.

I know that feeling :)

I'm 38, unemployed, single, no friends, living in social housing...

All stemming from choices made... Except my age . Lol.

Unemployed - I left work to be a stay home dad when my ex went back to work... Great till ex leaves..
Single - cause input faith and trust into the wrong person, now can barely get a date.
No friends - moved 100 miles from friends and family to start a new life with ex.. friends drifted away...
Social housing - I actually had a house and mortgage and a decent job. I left the job, as mentioned, sold the house to fund my move.. then ex pissed off..

So yeah.. failed at life... One day I'll.make a choice that works out. Lol.

@KlutzyDraconequus
Sorry.
We put our faith in people and it doesn’t work. I’m really sorry, can you move back? I guess if your kids are close you can’t, I feel your pain. It’s just one day at a time x

I swing from anger to sadness to anger and back again on an hourly basis.

The cost of ivf isn’t the problem. I have a mother who would help me with the initial costs, but she can’t help me with anything else. She lives no where near me.
I can’t support a child on my income in London on my own. I done the sums over and over. I rent cheaply from a friend, not suitable for a child., I have no savings. I’ve looked at renting somewhere else in the cheapest parts I can find and it’s still too expensive.
I’m self employed, I get no maternity pay.
I did the maths over and over
Rent 1200 - 1000 if I’m lucky
Bills 100 roughly
Council tax 100
Food 200
Other costs 100
Childcare 800
Travel 150

I would get child benefit £80 p/m

That’s more than I take home. I can’t reduce it anymore. I can’t find anywhere for less than 1k p/m

Thanks for the empathy @Rebecca36
I wouldn’t bring a child into the world I couldn’t give the best to. Ergo my post.

Thinking about something you want and working out you can’t do it, maybe talking about it with people who may have experience or advice or kind words.
aren’t the same as just doing it.

I don’t think I’m entitled to anything in life, including being a dick to people I don’t know online

That's harsh rebecca, why not go easy on someone who's trying desperately to find a way to achieve what she most wants?

OP, you'd get tax credits too wouldn't you, even as self employed?

Are you very wedded to your job? Might you be able to consider a career change and a move out of London, maybe nearer to your Mum?

Ok I don't think you need to 'sort your life out' like the above poster said. You love your job and your co workers, do you know how much of an achievement this is?! After previously having the most awful job I can say with confidence id pick a job I enjoy over money.

You've said yourself you cannot have a baby in your current situation so you have two options, don't change it and no baby (& start enjoying this freedom, start travelling etc) or if you really do want a baby you need to make changes, new better paying job, maybe you need to leave the city. Only you can get yourself out of the rut you feel like you are in, you can do this !!!

My daughter lives with me. It is the one thing that keeps me sane really.

I don't know that solutions for myself and I don't know the answers for you op.

Seems if a child is your most wanted, then steps to reach that are needed, if that .means changing jobs, moving counties, etc then so be it.

Part time shop work, in Hull, with kids.. is that better than full time, self employed, in London, no kids.
Only.you can decide.

I don't have any advice but I just want to send you a huge hug!

I really hope that you get what you want

Thank you.
I put all my details into the benefits calculator and I didn’t get anything other than child benefit.
I’m not wedded to my job, but as I am self employed and this is the only industry I’ve been in I can’t see a way to change in such short notice, it would be a struggle to go back to employed work, jobs are scarce.
I had the choice of redundancy or going self employed on half my salary which is why I ended up where I am.

basically I’ve run out of time fertility wise, the job could change in time, but not right now.

Anyway, I know it’s a lost cause having a family. I wished it were different. But it’s not. And I have to accept it.

Sorry for wasting everyone’s time

And thank you for all your kind words. X