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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My father cheated on my mother

32 replies

SardineJam · 16/08/2018 10:04

My parents are in their early 70s. Been married for 50ish years and when I based on all the I saw/heard when lived at home, I can confidently say that it's not been a happy marriage!

I have never really been that close to my father, he was never around and was always too busy going to meetings etc and family was certainly deprioritised for him.

My mother has always been a SAHM and I would say we are quite close. She also has always had an inkling that my father has never been faithful.

She told me the other day that she had caught my father sexting another woman and he owned up to it and gave the usual excuses you'd expect.

My mother has said she feels nothing about the situation and it's like they have been divorced mentally and physically for years anyway. I on the otherhand am seething (I think I'm definitely taking it worse than my mother), I don't want anything to do with my father (and the happy families facade they'll be portraying) and I just don't know what to do!

Have any of you, as an adult had to face this situation, could you ever forgive your parent and carry on as normal?

OP posts:
Saggital · 16/08/2018 10:26

They may continue like this forever. It’s not that rare and it may work for them.

The best thing you can do is ensure you are not in the same boat and neither are your offspring if you have any.

I think marriage as a state will dwindle over the next few decades and cease to exist by 2060.

lanbro · 16/08/2018 10:29

My gf cheated on my gm when I was a child. He ended up marrying his mistress although regretted it to his dying day. My mum remained very close to both her parents and even managed to be civil towards the new wife.

It is their relationship and all you can do is follow their lead really...

SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 11:21

Did he cheat recently? I'm cringing at a 70 years + man sexting tbh.

Don't play happy families if you don't want to. I'd also say to be financially independent so you aren't stuck like your mum would have felt as a SAHM.

Original poster
SardineJam · 16/08/2018 11:26

@SandyY2K Yes, she caught him at it this week, he was on whatsapp and she saw a big red throbbing heart emoji and confronted him about it.

I am very different in that I'm all for women being independent and looking after themselves, I think this is why this is driving me insane!

My mum is almost turning a blind eye, and said she doesn't need the stress and upheaval of a separation so will continue as is.

My father suggested they go to marriage counselling 🙄

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 16/08/2018 11:29

Your poor mum. But its her choice to stay with him and it must get harder the older you get. Sounds like she gave up on him a long time ago. What a waste.
I would leave them to it as its their life. I would still carry on seeing them but without the rose tinted glasses. Happens more than you think.

Feckers2018 · 16/08/2018 11:31

Ha! Its him who needs counselling. Your mum knows why she puts up with it. She is scared and fearful of change.

SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 11:42

My father suggested they go to marriage counselling

For what.

If someone is cheating as a septuagenarian that's their character. I'd let him crack on and live my own life.

There's no fool like an old fool, although (to teach him a lesson) I'd also happily file for a divorce and he can feel a real hit in the pocket.

At that age and length of marriage, he'd be on the hook for spousal maintenance and half his pension.

Original poster
SardineJam · 16/08/2018 11:59

Exactly, my mum has done nothing wrong so not sure why she needs counselling!

I just can't face seeing my father. We're meant to go on a big family next year and the thought of spending 7 full days with him makes me feel sick!!

I think you're right that my mum is fearful of change and poor thing is helpless because he holds the power as she's only been a SAHM!

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 16/08/2018 12:18

Also there is the generational thing. My parents marriage was largely dysfunctional throughout but for them until death us do part meant exactly that. (They married late 50’s)

Also she genuinely might not care so much and mentally being able to deal with massive change at 70 is more difficult than at say 50.

Original poster
SardineJam · 16/08/2018 12:21

She is definitely concerned about 'saving face'!

OP posts:
RubyLux · 16/08/2018 12:49

Sandy, please don't be so ageist. It's really very unpleasant and unkind. People in their 70s are sexual beings too, you know! Fuck's sake! How narrow and sheltered and ignorant you sound.

RubyLux · 16/08/2018 12:53

And yeah - I can relate to the OPs dilemma. My dad reconnected with his childhood sweetheart via Friends Reunited. He began a relationship with her at 70 yet refused to leave my poor beloved mum. Cake and eat it.

My mum was mentally and physically disabled and had no way to leave him.

Massively disgusting behaviour. I will never forgive him. It destroyed my mum.

ThriceThriceThice · 16/08/2018 12:58

OP - I am sure this is unpleasant for you - but you know, it's none of your business. By the sound of it your DM /DD haven't been in a loving relationship for many years but have stayed together as it's easier than the alternative. You have to understand this is a choice - a valid choice, even if it's not one you would take.

I am a bit surprised that your DM told you (seeing as she does not want to leave) as it puts you in a difficult situation.

ASimpleLampoon · 16/08/2018 16:53

If you don't want to have a relationship with him don't have one.

You owe him nothing.

Maybe you could see your mum on her own, don't talk about it or him if it puts her in an awkward position - maybe tell her once she'll have your full support if she chooses to leave him so she knows she has options.

Good luck, it's an awful situation.

Original poster
SardineJam · 16/08/2018 19:48

@ThriceThriceThice I guess my mum wanted someone to confide in as its a pretty tough burden to carry.

I feel so compromised because I know he is my father and therefore we have a 'connection' but I dont want a thing to do with him. Not sure if I could just ignore him if I see my parents together at the same time...

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 16/08/2018 19:58

You poor Mum Thankso would be telling her to set up her own little run away fund from your dads money if she has access so if anything did happen she wouldn't be stranded begging him for money. It will also so give her major satisfaction of having her own secret from him.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 16/08/2018 20:02

You can't sext or have feelings at 70?????

lowtide · 16/08/2018 20:02

Well I guess all relationships are complicated and perhaps get more complicated as we get older.
I don’t know anything about their relationship, but he’s either been like this is whole life, or he’s feeling very lonely sexually.
Some people lose their libido and some people don’t. But it seems your mum would rather bury her head in the sand sadly.

I probably wouldn’t walk away from ok at that age to start again. But perhaps they should go to counselling. Not wanting to go is a sure fire way of saying you just don’t want it to be happening.

They could have another 20 years together!!

Original poster
SardineJam · 16/08/2018 20:09

@ivegotthisyeah I pretty much told my mum the same but despite this infidelity she said she has a good life and wants to enjoy it before she is too sick and too old - completely understand but does seem like she is burying her head in the sand a bit.

She has always been a 'tough cookie' and I guess she doesn't want to let herself down by being heartbroken, I guess everyone works through things differently!

@lowtide my mum has always had this sixth sense that this has been going on for years but this is the first time she has actual evidence!

Apparently my father said its only been going on for a month, shocked that he seems to think it's even a valid excuse 🤔

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/08/2018 20:37

My comment was on the basis that I personally find sexting immature for anyone, especially in the context of cheating so the older the person the worse it seems to me.

Anyway...best to focus on supporting the OP rather than getting into it with me.

We're meant to go on a big family next year and the thought of spending 7 full days with him makes me feel sick!!

Do you have to go? I'd feel sick about it like you too.

I was at an event for a few hours with my BIL who's a cheater and I could barely look at him. He makes me shudder...so I can't imagine 7 days.

LadyLapsang · 16/08/2018 23:46

Not really sure why your mother has told you this. We never really know what goes on in other people 's marriages. Doesn't sound like either of them are getting what they want from the marriage but are stuck in a codependent relationship. Maybe they should go to counselling.

Skittlesandbeer · 16/08/2018 23:58

You seem to be assuming a few things. Whilst it’s no doubt a shock to you, you aren’t a member of this marriage. You can certainly feel (and communicate) a drop in the respect you have for your Dad, but their dynamic isn’t your business. Even if you put everyone on truth serum you wouldn’t get the full picture of such a long marriage.

Their choices don’t need to make sense to you, they don’t actually owe you answers or reparations. If you have/had a certain idealised picture of them in your mind, that’s on you.

You can feel sympathy towards her, and resentment towards your Dad but you aren’t the police person of their relationship. Address him from your point of view, not in defence of your mother. And maybe listen to him too.

Oh, and couples therapy isn’t a punishment, as you seem to suggest. It’s an attempt to air everbody’s spoken and unspoken issues to find a better way to live and communicate. Something it seems both your parents could benefit from equally, no?

Bettyboop43 · 17/08/2018 08:57

My mum found out couple years ago that my dad had another daughter from a one night stand when they first started dating. She's just a few months older than me. Think they've been in separate bedrooms since and my mum although heartbroken has stayed with him. 40 odd years later she must have decided its easier to stay. It hasn't changed my feelings towards my dad, he's been a brilliant father. He hasn't cheated since we came along or since they were married. It's between my parents and if they choose to carry on like normal then we have too. Not a lot you can do really. I would feel like you though if it was recent. It's hard isn't it.

MMmomDD · 17/08/2018 08:59

OP - people make choices and live with them. Your mother has - for years now.
Her choice. Her life.

Just because you feel different - it’s not your place to make her change HER life to suit your idea of how women should behave.

You aren’t in your 70s, with a life settled in its ways.

lowtide · 17/08/2018 10:16

I would also like to say, you shouldn’t let this destroy your relationship with your father.
Because It’s futile, and the only person that will lose the most is you.
Your mother has chosen to stay. Chosen to tell you which I find a bit cruel if she’s staying.
As others have said, you just don’t know what goes on in other people’s marriages even if you’re their child.