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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Posted before - I could really do with some parenting advice

26 replies

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 10:02

Single parent to 2 dd's 13 and 10.
13 year old struggling with her weight and now really anxious going back to school in year 9. She thinks she's 'dumb' (her words). She is in her own little world most of the time but usually confident. She goes to a dance/singing club twice a week, so confident.
My 10 year old dd has had trouble sleeping on her own bed for a few years so I bought a double bed for my 13 year old and she sleeps in there. Some nights she would want to cuddle in with me and I allowed her to. Then my 13 year old would want to. I never sleep properly. So I stopped it.
After about 2 years of this routine my 10 year old started saying she couldn't sleep. I thought she was being spoilt (as she can be) so was quite strict in not allowing her in my bed. I didn't want to give in and it's my only bit of space. My life is busy, 3rd year nursing student and working and parenting alone as their father doesn't help at all.
Anyway, last week my 10 year old told me she hears the devil in her head at night time saying mean things. It's her voice but has to be the devil because who else would be saying it and she is kind, and doesn't think mean things (her words).
I was in complete shock. Posted here. Had lots of advice and felt comforted. I felt like I had not been emotionally available.
Anyway, she has been in my bed for the past week (so as my other dd some nights). I'm exhausted. No space. No sleep.
My 10 uear old asked why I am allowing her and I have explained as she is finding night times difficult and distressed about what she is hearing/thinking then I want to help. I have tried to talk about her thoughts etc. I have offered to sleep in her room (My 13 year olds room) until she falls asleep. Headphones. Tv. She will not accept anything other than in my bed.
I want to help. The thing is she is very spoilt and wants her own way all of the time. If I tell her she is wrong she has a melt down. She can not be wrong. I'm now scared to tell her she is being mean (to her sister) or she is in the wrong as she shouts that she doesn't want this life. She told my 13 year old dd that she can't live with the devil.
I know it's her thoughts not voices. Because she is so kind and thoughtful she doesn't want to thonk it's her thinking unkind things (people look fat, she doesn't like what a person's wearing, why has she got a boyfriend - these are some thoughts, she won't tell me anymore).
Sorry so long. I am just wondering how I go about dealing with this now. I'm really struggling in my 3rd year anyway. I don't have any help. I feel emotionally drained.

OP posts:

PaleRider1 · 16/08/2018 10:07

Have you taken her to see your GP about these problems she is experiencing?

I think that should be your first port of call if you haven’t yet

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 10:13

I haven't. She is scared I am going to do just that. They will refer her to children's mental health services I guess. It's difficult to take her anywhere. I was hoping to deal with it myself as I am studying mental health nursing. It's just different when it's your own child.

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2018 11:28

You aren’t qualified and even if you were, it would not be appropriate to ‘handle’ this without professional intervention. I’m very surprised given your training that you’ve let it get this far. Make an appointment with your GP and use your training/ connections to source support for your DD.

Feckers2018 · 16/08/2018 11:42

IMO the things she are thinking are just normal critical thoughts that we usually keep to ourselves. Have you explained this to her? That everyone experiences this? Maybe she is being critical of herself as she sees herself as a kind person.
Are you sure this isn't just a manipulative tactic to make sure she can sleep in your bed? TBH the sleeping together got out of hand IMO and has caused issues.
I would suggest you take her to your GP and seek appropriate help then you can find the cause of this.

loveyoutothemoon · 16/08/2018 12:33

I think a bit of tough love! It's time to be cruel to be kind here...maybe you're pandering to her too much? You need to explain that her feelings are irrational and not real, and that nothing is going to happen. In a way you are coming across to her that being in her bed is going to cause her stress, by letting her in yours.

You need to get her out of it, I think making more of it (taking to GP etc) is going to escalate the problem, and you're the person best to do it.

You need to be more firm when she asks to get in your bed.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 12:59

I haven't known what to do for the best! I have been struggling myself with uni and then my eldest dd feeling upset and then this. It's worrying, upsetting and I had no clue how to handle it so I allowed her in my bed.
I have explained what she is thinking, we all think occasionally. Its normal. It doesn't mean you are unkind. Its just a thought. She can't possibly think those thoughts as she is kind. She is going to have a melt down if I tell her to sleep in her own room. I worry it will make it worse.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 16/08/2018 13:20

Let her have a melt down, she'll soon realise that she's being silly and that you're not going to give in.

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2018 13:23

It could be nothing or it could be something but you can’t discount the something, if you don’t have the support of professionals. I’m confused as to why you appear to be reluctant to get support? Is it MH stigma, guilt etc. Whatever it is, you need to let go of it to support your DD.

AgentJohnson · 16/08/2018 13:28

You need to get her out of it, I think making more of it (taking to GP etc) is going to escalate the problem, and you're the person best to do it.

Bullshit, the OP has repeatedly said she’s struggling and despite her training, she is far to close to the situation to deal with this on her own. OP please see your GP.

Madratlady · 16/08/2018 13:29

You need proper support. Being a student mh nurse doesn't mean you are equipped to deal with this and even if you were qualified, as her parent you can't refer to other support that someone in a professional capacity could.

PsychedelicSheep · 16/08/2018 13:33

It sounds a little like OCD, this often takes the form of intrusive thoughts that are 'ego dystonic' meaning they are very at odds with the persons generally character which is why they cause so much distress. GP will refer to CAMHS but they are massively overwhelmed so expect a very long wait for anything to happen, and then very little when it does.

If you are in a position to pay for a private therapist I would seriously consider this.

Slimmingsnake · 16/08/2018 13:35

Head to gp asap....have a look at autism in women and girls...she could be on the spectrum ...GP ASAP 💐

dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 13:44

Book in to see GP.
She probably wouldn't want to visit the GP if she had a lot of problems (who likes seeing the GP?) but if she was in physical pain stopping her sleeping at night you wouldn't just leave her to it because she didn't want to see a Dr.

As above going privately may be useful but if you're a single parent and a student I assume this will unfortunately not be within your means.

You don't lose anything by asking for help and having to wait. Better to ask now and have to wait than in 6 months time if things do escalate, and still have the same wait.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 14:13

I just felt like I could handle it. She becomes really anxious when I mention it. I have told her today I will stay in the room until she falls asleep. She then had a melt down (still having one) and pleading with me to allow her in my bed. I have said we need to go to the doctors and she hasn't stopped crying. It's not nice seeing your daughter this way. The reason I haven't pushed it is because I don't know if I'm making it worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 14:26

OCD maybe. She keeps her bedroom spotless (doesn't sleep in it as she has been sleping in her sisters bed) and won't throw anything away. Anything!

OP posts:

SleepWarrior · 16/08/2018 14:31

Could you put a mattress down next to your bed that she could have while this gets sorted? It's her space so that you aren't crammed into one bed, but she gets the comfort of being very close to you. The bed situation sounds like a symptom of her mental state so not helpful to tackle first - you need to get at the root of the problem.

As for the thoughts, I'd maybe explain it as everybody gets strange and unkind thoughts pop in their heads, it's perfectly normal and doesn't mean she is a horrible person at all. We do have to decide which thoughts we want to keep for our own though, so if you find yourself thinking a mean thought like "he looks fat and spotty", just ask yourself whether that's a thought you'd like to keep. If it's not, try to find a nice thing to think about that person to swap it for like " but he looks really fun/happy/nice".

And the going to the Dr bit you could perhaps explain as they just have more good ideas on how to deal with bad thoughts and worries so it will be really useful.

Does she have any special needs or a history of abuse or bullying? Obviously it could just be that she's spoiled, but she sounds like she's really struggling too.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 14:39

I have explained exactly that to her. I have offered to sleep in their room on the floor as my room is small. She won't accept anything other than my bed.
I explained the Dr would help us as I am trying to help but she isn't accepting it, just crying. I have comforted her, had one to one time, talked lots about her thoughts. Asked her how I can help. She just refuses and says she is ok in my bed.
No bullying and getting on really well at school. She is the only one in her class not wanting to go on a 2 night trip in October. I have offered to pick her up so she doesn't have to sleep there, just join in with the activities.
Absolutely nothing has happened, she just started saying she couldn't get to sleep one night. I offered music, apps, stay beside her.

OP posts:

buddhababy123 · 16/08/2018 14:53

It sounds really exhausting.
I wonder if there is a parenting group/course you could join, hopefully one with a focus on self care (in a healthy way, i.e. time out for relaxation, eating well, etc.).
Also, when studying intensively, parenting (particularly alone) and maybe trying to have some small income it gets incredibly hard to spend time with each child singly and doing some listening, let alone as a family. I know this from personal experience!
Seriously, a good parenting course could work wonders.
Good luck with everything, and massive well done on getting so far with your studies along with everything else you're juggling.

dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 14:53

Could you visit the GP without her initially? Not in secret- she knows that's what you want her to do, so explain as a first step you will go alone and ask for advice.

She could write down for you how she feels about things or how she would explain her experience of these thoughts that are distressing her, for you to take. Explain it's best if she explains but you can do it on her behalf. So she is partially engaging with the process but doesn't have to see Dr face to face to start with.

You could also suggest that they may want to see her eventually, would she prefer a male/female GP? Obviously you may have to wait longer for an appointment with a specific Dr but will be worth it if it's someone who can build her trust. I know as a kid I hated having to see one or two doctors but liked others.

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 16/08/2018 15:00

Thankyou buddhababy123, that means alot. I'm really struggling here at the moment, just no clue what to do. I feel exhausted.
I might have to visit the GP.

OP posts:

sunshineseaside · 17/08/2018 15:21

Have you spoken to her school about it? They might be able to let you know if they are seeing any of this behaviour at school? My son has ASD but displays more features of PDA (pathological demand avoidance) which is a lot to do with anxiety and control. There is quite a lot of info online about it - maybe see if it fits your DD? I would definitely discuss with a GP first before attending with your DD so that they can ask more pertinent and relevant questions and make it a lot less stressful for her. Sending you some flowers and a big hug. x

Original poster

Bubblesandcake · 17/08/2018 17:10

sunshineseaside thankyou 😊 I have just googled and my dd doesn't show behaviours of any. At school they have said she is confident and doing well, polite, mixes well and takes part in everything.
I'm really not sure what to do next. I really have found things difficult the past few days. I just can't think straight at the moment.

OP posts:

stroneranger · 17/08/2018 17:12

It sounds to me like she is suffering from extreme anxiety - the critical voice and the fear at night time when she is feeling you are not there for her if she feels she needs you suggest this to me. The best way to deal with it is to get counselling both for yourself and her. It is very important to get counselling yourself as this will help understand how best to listen to your daughters and you may find that once they can air their fears things improve. With you working hard for your new career they may need assurance that you are there for them. I don't agree that they are being spoilt and that a firm hand will solve things. This could make things worse and make them feel they can't talk to you. If your daughter is afraid to go to the doctors then go yourself as they will give you good advice for support with this. It is very common but very difficult to deal with alone. Your work might have a lot of leaflets too on anxiety in teens.

Hope things improve for you.

EllaEllaE · 17/08/2018 17:31

"The best way to deal with it is to get counselling both for yourself and her. It is very important to get counselling yourself as this will help understand how best to listen to your daughters and you may find that once they can air their fears things improve. With you working hard for your new career they may need assurance that you are there for them. I don't agree that they are being spoilt and that a firm hand will solve things. "

^^ this x 100

LittleL232 · 17/08/2018 18:31

I feel for you OP and I feel for your daughter too. She sounds just like me at almost the same age, bedtime was when my mind was slowing down from the day and I had time for intrusive thoughts and anxiety to take hold, I used to picture witches and things like that saying horrible things. I just wanted to be in with my DM where I felt safe. She didn't really know what to do and wanted me to go to the GP, which I refused because I was embarrassed. I wish she'd made me, or gone herself first. I agree with the other posters that a firm hand isn't the way to go.

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