Is mother in laws behaviour normal

[Pedaltoday]

I know a lot of people have problems with their in laws but mine has got to the point I’m debating breaking up with my partner. We’ve been together 5 years and bought a house together. Before this my partner had never lived away from home ( hes 28) where as I have. Without going in to too much detail I’ve had none stop problems with his family- they have real attachment issues and have never liked me. His mum and sister have always made things awkward and I admit I don’t help because when I’m around them I don’t say much ( 5 years of listening to ignorant , racist and hard done by comments drains you) my other half seems to be scared to tell them he’s happy. They didn’t want him to move out I saw texts while we were looking saying is it the right thing etc and there seemed to be an odd amount of tears. We bought one year ago and there is still crying. I admit they’ve been over once since we moved and it wasn’t for long- they make me feel uncomfortable and I think my partner notices that. He goes home once a week to keep them happy but it doesn’t seem to be enough. His mum messages him everyday sometimes 4 times in a row and will message things saying she’s crying that he’s gone and she needs to know he’s there for her. She has her husband at home and I’m finding it suffocating. I try mentioning to my partner things like you don’t always have to go home your a man who has his own life but he just defends them and gets really defensive and angry with me. We have plans sometimes and his mum will message saying she wants to see him and our plans have to change. He would rather argue with me than say no to her. It’s got to the point where I’m forcing myself to make us plans on the weekend so I can avoid her continuous ‘I’m going to pop oher’ Messages. She won’t let her son go and it’s becoming draining. My mum would never message me saying things like just so you are aware I’m really sad your gone and have been upset all week have a good day. I didn’t see them for three months because I had stuff on and my partner goes home every week so there was no need but when I did I thought I’ll go into it with an open mind and try get on but within minutes she was saying things like my baby boy miss him so much and I just cringe inside then get a bit mad because he’s not a baby. When we were looking for houses she kept sending him ones down the road from them. We went with where we could afford ( all the houses we looked at were about 20 minutes from her) but in the end we bought somewhere that happened to be closer to my parents - now whenever I meet family members of his they say oh yes you bought somewhere to be near your family didn’t you. Which I didn’t but it’s onviously what she’s been saying. It’s all getting a little draining and weird. By all means miss your son but he’s 28 not 18 and I don’t know why she messages him saying she’s crying etc. They have issues with me ( I’ve heard this from other family memebers) because I took her baby away but I’m at the point now where I’m thinking do I want to marry into this. Do I want this anxiety forever. They find any reason to moan about me to him- which is why I avoid them, if they don’t see me they can’t complain. I know his mum is dying to come over to ours again and yes I am making it difficult as I always say no don’t worry we will come to you but I can’t stand them in my home. When they did come over all they could comment on was how much stuff I had and basically calling me spoilt- nothing to do with the fact I work two jobs and pay for everything myself. I sometimes think maybe I should try harder but they do something and my blood just boils. This weekend was another example that she will just come round when I said no I’ll text your mum and say we can come to hers as we are going that way anyway she replies like a child- just a blunt ye fine. When he sees his dad or sister they say odd things like make sure you text mum or make sure you don’t forget us. My mum thinks I should have an honest conversation with her and make her aware I know all the stuff she’s said about me over the years so if she wants to be more welcomed in my home she should leave my name out of her mouth but I don’t think my partner would be too happy. It’s got to the point I feel as if I’m stopping to their level. When they make digs I keep quiet but I do end up making comments back for example they always go to the same place on holiday so when his mum asked if I would go back to where we and my partner went I said no I wouldn’t go back to the same place twice there’s a bug world to which she said well you can only go where you can afford and I said yes but you can afford what you work for if you work hard you can go to nice places. I know it annoys her that collectively me and my partner do ok. He’s made a comment before that I’m the highest earner between us and now she makes out Being career driven is a negative. She only bought her first home with his dad 7 years ago when she inherited money so I think there is some bitterness over the fact we’ve done it a lot younger. She says she’s still in shock that he moved out but is a 28 year old male moving out really that odd? I’m at the end of my tether now I don’t want to become nasty but the other option is to break up with him because it’s getting a bit suffocating. Thoughts please

Hi there, I've got suffocating in laws myself and have had for 20 years. They seem similar to yours though not as extreme.
You won't be able to change any of them. Your mil has the whole family where she wants them and it sounds like your fil and sil enable her. Your OH does not sound like he is on your side at all. To give you a MN classic phrase, you have a OH problem not a MIL problem.
I know this will sound very harsh but you need to think seriously about at least 3 things.

1. Can you see yourself living like this for 25+ years?
2. Can you ever imagine your OH changing his view on them...waking up and being on your side?
3. what do you think she will be like if you ever have children? My MIL became 100 times more extreme.

Someone on mn recommended Susan forwards book "toxic in laws". I'm not a self help book type of person but I'm fairly sure this book helped me save my marriage and my sanity.
Good luck.

I agree my OH does not help at all. In fact when I say your mum or family is being rude he says it’s in my head. He has stood up for me once and that was because he had to they had been awful. This is the problem I’m at the point where I think is there a future. I’ve started to worry about things that haven’t even happened- like would I trust them with my children- absolutely not. What if we got engaged would he force me to have his sister as a bridesmaid even though she’s vile towards me. All these problems go round my head and really bring me down!

FOR SALE
you need a sign.
And walk away.

Hmm. I would think very seriously about whether to continue with this relationship. Honestly, I think it will only get worse.

I think you need to tell him bluntly what you’ve told us
Tell him exactly how you feel and what you’d like to happen ie put you and your relationship first and then second. He’s in the FOG ( fear obligation guilt)
If he won’t/. Can’t then yes you need to walk away because this isn’t going to change

For me, it took a pretty crazy set of events over a few weeks for my husband to realise just how bad the last 18 years had been for me. I almost left him. We have been low contact with the pil since and things are much better.

But I had 18 years of it. The craziness at our wedding, when the kids were born, at family events. Do you want that for your future?
I'm.sure you love your OH, but it doesn't read like you're the centre of his world, which you deserve to be.
Whatever happens, major things need to change or you could end up very unhappy.

In your position I would start with a calm discussion with your OH about how you feel, and why.

Don’t just walk away - RUN!

My husband and his family are like this except less tears. It’s just the expected thing that he’s there all the time etc etc.
Our marriage didn’t even last six months. He agreed flat out he would never put me before his mother. You need to carefully consider if you can live like that OP. Your situation sounds virtually the same to mine.

You know what there’s plenty of guys out there that will stand up for you, he’s not standing with you he’s standing with his family.

You are an absolute catch ! Let him toddle back home

What a silly woman telling her adult son she is crying over him. I agree though it will get worse if you have children. Your lives will not be your own.

You need to talk to him.

Thank you! I am really struggling with confidence issues and it stems back to them. I’ve never had issues before I met him but this whole why am I not good enough really brings me down. He shows more compassion to them than me. I do literally EVERYTHING for him. He’s not once and I’m not exaggerating cleaned our house or done the ironing and it’s because his mum done everything for him and says I should do the same. Even though I’m the main earner I feel like I just try to make a point I’m good enough when I know inside I am. It’s odd I don’t want him to necessarily pick me I just want a balance. I don’t help myself I do look at his phone which is wrong but the sad thing is I only ever look at messages from his family so I can prepare myself for when they think they are seeing us. I know that’s awful but If I didn’t look I would have no context behind why he does things. When he went home for dinner two nights in a row I would have been like wtf but because I saw the text saying she was lonely and crying I let it go because I thinkhow can he say no to that. My dad thinks they have an inferior problem. Because I work so hard to have a nice life and they are without being rude really lazy he thinks they can’t hack the fact their son is with someone who wants a good life. We book holidays and they make comments like it’s really dangerous there or tell him not to eat the food because it could poison him - but oddly Tenerife seems to be a really safe place which is why they go every year. It’s crazy behaviour

Playing devil's advocate here, you sound very focused on them. I know how it feels because I was in a similarish situation with my in laws. But I realised, they were just very different to me. I tried being very nice and encouraging DH to go and visit them and invited them for meals etc. Found some common ground and easy subjects to chat about. And then stopped thinking about them so much! It's become much easier over the years and I do love them now (in our own way not the same as your own parents of course) At the end of the day if they don't like you there isn't much you can do. But if you love your partner and want a future with him maybe just try not to let it bother you.

If it really bothers you too much find leave and find someone new with a perfect family 😉 as I'm sure you know there is no such thing!

I hope you don't think I'm being rude just looking at it from a different point of view. You can't change them but you can change your response so you might feel a bit happier! Best of luck.

Imagine what she would be like if you chose to have kids. Then run.

I agree - this is why I want to decide what to do as they do take to much energy. But I honestly have tried I do say to him he should go home but it doesn’t seem enough once a week and that’s where I’m a bit like is more than that really necessary. I go home and see my parents but because I want to not because my mums crying. I do try finding common ground but they can’t help themselves. It’s not even just me they make digs at- the neighbour bought a nice car and they got so mad saying he’s just handed money on a plate no class etc, even when watching tv a pretty girl will be on the screen and his mum and sister are like she’s plastic those sort of people that spend money on designers are disgusting. It’s so draining to be around people who are negative. I of course know the perfect family doesn’t exist but my ex’s mum was an abolaute dream compared to this. I just don’t know why it’s so shocking he left home at 28.

Even apart from the in-laws (which tbh I think is enough reason to leave him on its own, if he won't stand up for you), I can't get over the fact you do everything for him like his mother did.

What if you guys have kids? Will that be all your job as well, along with working and running the house?

It doesn't sound like a partnership from any angle, I think get out while you can.

Or at least have a serious talk to him telling him what you've told us here, and that this issues is undermining and threatening your relationship.

It isn't something I could tolerate! I would stop doing everything- split the housework and mental load 50/50 and watch him running back to mummy bleating...

He's no catch when he won't pull his weight well because he's male and it's "wimmins work". If you had DC then you would be working, looking after DC and house and he still wouldn't help.

You do not have an in law problem you have a Bf problem!!! He is very happy with the status quo and has no issue with their behaviour.

This won't have a happy future. Get out now and go find someone more your equal.

Honestly my DPs mum made it clear early on she didn’t like me. I wish I’d listened and left. She causes a the biggest of the few arguments we have in a our relationship and I now resent her. With hindsight I should have found someone whose family I got on with because ultimately they become your family too.
However I’ve now got children with him and I’m not breaking up our home because if her. We all grin and bare it.

Huuuuuuge alarm bells here. I was in the same situation with a Mummy's Boy and ended up worn out and deeply resentful, as well as bullied and abused by the lot of them. Really negative and jealous family - also xenophobic and racist with very 'traditional' values i.e. the woman does everything in the home. Even waitng hand and foot on the husband/sons. Trying to extract myself from this mess is a total nightmare, 3 kids later. I am painted as a floozy and blamed 'for breaking up the family'. He lets you do all the work and doesn't stick up for you? RUN!!!!!(or get him to run back to mummy and buy out his share...if he has contributed)

Your DP's behaviour is despicable. He's 28 and does nothing in the house?! I lived with one of these many years ago, it was a huge learning curve for me. Never again!

Cut your losses now. You will never be priority.

What do you get out of this relationship with him, what is keeping you with this man at all now frankly?. You sound more like a skivvy than his partner and he does not have your interests at heart either.

He just wants you to carry on where his mother left off and his family see him as their possession. He is also mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them and is also enmeshed with them. he sides with them over you as well, his primary loyalty is still to them because of his fear of his mother. Talking to him about this will be a wasted effort because of his own FOG and his inertia when it comes to his mother (and sister who also seems to be cut from the same cloth as her mother).

This relationship does not have a happy future in it and I would be looking to exit this relationship now. Do not bring children into this. Your life with him going forward will continue much in the same vein as it is now and it does not sound like much of a life at all. Why have you got to the point whereby you are doing everything for this manchild?. He can do housework as well but sees that as your role here.

They sound super jealous of anyone achieving better. Cut your losses now. Unfortunately if your OH struggles to stand up to them now at 28 it’s never going to happen.

GOTTOKONDO has hit the nail on the head exactly. This will not have a happy future. I've been married to someone for 15 years who has over invested parents and the only reason we are still married is that they live in another country. OP despising your in-laws is so draining and disappointing. You deserve a normal, happy family life and you are never going to get it with these people that you gave absolutely nothing in common with. Having children will only compound all your differences. You deserve better.

My mum is like this given half a chance, luckily for our partners DB and I don't give her any rope.

When my brother moved out (at about 23) I'd get phone calls about how worried she was. I just changed the subject (I imagine he just didn't answer!)

When he went to NZ for 6 months she was so lonely - she lives with DF.

I'd tell her to get out of the house and see her GP if she was randomly crying. Neither of us replies to the random 'we miss you soooo much' messages. We reply if there's something to reply to but not to fishing for guilt. I see them every couple of months, he lives closer so more often, but LC is the only way to go or she just spirals into wanting more and more.

If your DP is going to continue weekly visits and daily contact out of guilt forever I'd leave now, you need to live your life.

In contrast I see MIL weekly at least because I like her and there's no obligation or expectation. MIL also doesn't keep up a constant commentary of negativity that wears me out (DMs latest was 'I do wish old women would have stupid colours in their hair' it's exhausting).