Is mother in laws behaviour normal

[Pedaltoday]

I know a lot of people have problems with their in laws but mine has got to the point I’m debating breaking up with my partner. We’ve been together 5 years and bought a house together. Before this my partner had never lived away from home ( hes 28) where as I have. Without going in to too much detail I’ve had none stop problems with his family- they have real attachment issues and have never liked me. His mum and sister have always made things awkward and I admit I don’t help because when I’m around them I don’t say much ( 5 years of listening to ignorant , racist and hard done by comments drains you) my other half seems to be scared to tell them he’s happy. They didn’t want him to move out I saw texts while we were looking saying is it the right thing etc and there seemed to be an odd amount of tears. We bought one year ago and there is still crying. I admit they’ve been over once since we moved and it wasn’t for long- they make me feel uncomfortable and I think my partner notices that. He goes home once a week to keep them happy but it doesn’t seem to be enough. His mum messages him everyday sometimes 4 times in a row and will message things saying she’s crying that he’s gone and she needs to know he’s there for her. She has her husband at home and I’m finding it suffocating. I try mentioning to my partner things like you don’t always have to go home your a man who has his own life but he just defends them and gets really defensive and angry with me. We have plans sometimes and his mum will message saying she wants to see him and our plans have to change. He would rather argue with me than say no to her. It’s got to the point where I’m forcing myself to make us plans on the weekend so I can avoid her continuous ‘I’m going to pop oher’ Messages. She won’t let her son go and it’s becoming draining. My mum would never message me saying things like just so you are aware I’m really sad your gone and have been upset all week have a good day. I didn’t see them for three months because I had stuff on and my partner goes home every week so there was no need but when I did I thought I’ll go into it with an open mind and try get on but within minutes she was saying things like my baby boy miss him so much and I just cringe inside then get a bit mad because he’s not a baby. When we were looking for houses she kept sending him ones down the road from them. We went with where we could afford ( all the houses we looked at were about 20 minutes from her) but in the end we bought somewhere that happened to be closer to my parents - now whenever I meet family members of his they say oh yes you bought somewhere to be near your family didn’t you. Which I didn’t but it’s onviously what she’s been saying. It’s all getting a little draining and weird. By all means miss your son but he’s 28 not 18 and I don’t know why she messages him saying she’s crying etc. They have issues with me ( I’ve heard this from other family memebers) because I took her baby away but I’m at the point now where I’m thinking do I want to marry into this. Do I want this anxiety forever. They find any reason to moan about me to him- which is why I avoid them, if they don’t see me they can’t complain. I know his mum is dying to come over to ours again and yes I am making it difficult as I always say no don’t worry we will come to you but I can’t stand them in my home. When they did come over all they could comment on was how much stuff I had and basically calling me spoilt- nothing to do with the fact I work two jobs and pay for everything myself. I sometimes think maybe I should try harder but they do something and my blood just boils. This weekend was another example that she will just come round when I said no I’ll text your mum and say we can come to hers as we are going that way anyway she replies like a child- just a blunt ye fine. When he sees his dad or sister they say odd things like make sure you text mum or make sure you don’t forget us. My mum thinks I should have an honest conversation with her and make her aware I know all the stuff she’s said about me over the years so if she wants to be more welcomed in my home she should leave my name out of her mouth but I don’t think my partner would be too happy. It’s got to the point I feel as if I’m stopping to their level. When they make digs I keep quiet but I do end up making comments back for example they always go to the same place on holiday so when his mum asked if I would go back to where we and my partner went I said no I wouldn’t go back to the same place twice there’s a bug world to which she said well you can only go where you can afford and I said yes but you can afford what you work for if you work hard you can go to nice places. I know it annoys her that collectively me and my partner do ok. He’s made a comment before that I’m the highest earner between us and now she makes out Being career driven is a negative. She only bought her first home with his dad 7 years ago when she inherited money so I think there is some bitterness over the fact we’ve done it a lot younger. She says she’s still in shock that he moved out but is a 28 year old male moving out really that odd? I’m at the end of my tether now I don’t want to become nasty but the other option is to break up with him because it’s getting a bit suffocating. Thoughts please

*wouldn't

Tbh I think you could probably make a bit more effort with her. If it keeps the peace and makes your partner happy would it really be too much trouble to invite her over for lunch once in a while? Different people have different relationships and priorities, just because you don’t see your parents all the one doesn’t mean anything our partner shouldn’t be close to his. Yes her texts are ott, but if you are honestly planning a future with your partner then surely it’s better to start making an effort now - if you have hikdren do you really want them stuck in the middle of their mum and grandma?

Wow. The in-laws thing is ridiculous - either he grows up or you need to move on.

The (more?) worrying thing is him expecting you to be his servant. Why???? That's nuts.

Sounds like you need an honest, difficult, conversation with him setting some ground rules. If you can't agree then you have your answer.

I’d also be having a word with dp about what he’s been saying about your relationship considering the ‘are you sure’ texts. If he’s close with his mum he might have shared some worries with her and hats wher she sent those messages.

Honestly - leaving aside all the family drama, your DP sounds useless. He does nothing in the house - at 28 that is squarely his fault and issue, not his mum’s.

He needs to shape up. If not, leave him.

Honestly and truly.

You’re focusing on blaming his family, but you’re in a relationship with him, and he needs to care enough to set boundaries, share adult shitwork like household chores, and generally stop hiding behind his family. They may well be toxic, but he’s in a relationship with you, and he needs to do better, but your MIL.

Expect more, OP.

Soz just read your posts about him being useless and their other tantrums - honestly, when you look ahead to the future do you really have the energy to deal with this and worry about it? Either make steps to change the situation or walk away. It sounds draining

I agree I could make more effort and I always say to my friends my grudge is part of the problem but the constant messaging him is too much and I don’t want her over because she’s forced her way over. We have people over all the time because we invite them.. but when she’s seen him twice in the week already do you really then need to come to my house on the weekend too!?

You have a DP problem. I'd be telling him to run back to mummy if he can't cut the apron strings.

It’s a bigger problem that he expects you to do everything as his mother waited on him and you actually do it. It’s a very old fashioned attitude for a 28 year old and you will get resentful if you have to do that around your job and children .

This man adds nothing to your life and causes you more work stress and strain

Leave

Be happy

You sound like you have your act together and are doing really well in life and have a mature attitude. Your OH on the other hand is neither use nor ornament and his family are slowly chipping away at your self esteem and confidence.

Here's what it looks like 10 years down the line. You and OH have DC and his mum texts 5 times as much wanting to see the DC and crying and faking illness when she doesn't get her own way. You sat in your house alone on a Sunday whilst your DH takes them over to see Granny.

Your OH has no backbone. His mother is a narcissist and her family her flying monkeys.

I'd like my DS to marry someone like you. Go find your equal. He is pathetic. I think you should sit down and list everything that he brings to your life and everything that he/ they do that pulls you down.

I have a narcissist for a MIL. I am still with DH but I lived abroad for 18 years (stayed away because of her) so avoided the worst of it. Then a couple of years after I moved back, she moved abroad She still manages to get her poison across but I spent a long time learning the art of indifference and she doesn't get to me a 10th as much now because I just don't care. This sounds really bad but there have been a few times when she has had very bad health scares and I just felt no compassion for her whatsoever. That's how bad an effect she had on me.

He's still in a child/adult relationship with his mother, and has never made the leap to an adult/adult relationship with her, and he may never make that leap because both of them enjoy the balance of power as it is.
More worryingly for you, it sounds as though he has a child/adult relationship with you too, you are the one doing everything, making his life work comfortably, caring and providing for him as a parent would.

I can't see him suddenly changing, why should he when he has such a comfortable life? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
Do you want to have children, how much would he contribute to their care?

I'd say end the relationship, and the sooner the better, find someone with a more mature outlook who would be a supportive caring partner, which this man will never be.

Your MIL sounds like a narcissist & sadly your DP has had so many years of controlling behaviour that he can't see the wood for the trees. I suspect you have married her "golden" child & as such I doubt very much if there's anything that you can do that will make MIL like you as she sees you as a huge threat. Other family members are enabling her behaviour, your DP included.

Your DP needs to recognise what is going in with his family dynamics, it is far from healthy & will destroy him eventually, whilst you can walk away if needed. My own DM was similar with DB, DB is now a lonely older & ill single man who was unable to hold down a relationship due to DMs interference & controlling behaviour & now DM has gone he has lost his nerve & his looks & Just can't see himself ever meeting anyone or being able to cope if he did the damage is sadly done.

You need a straight up honest to the bone conversation with your DP, write it all down first so you are clear in your head & don't get sidetracked by him reacting upset, which is likely to happen as he is brainwashed into thinking this is normal family dynamics, it is not. He needs counselling to unravel just how much he is enmeshed into this unhealthy family dynamic. If you want to give it a proper try, then counselling for you both might help, but he needs to go alone too as the problem is very much his, but he is so brainwashed that he doesn't see it

You have outgrown your DP, who is a blatent man-child, wanting a new mummy to look after him.
If you have remain and have children, she will become even more determined in her efforts to regain her baby boy, and any subsequent children you may have.
If you separate, he/she will get 50% custody of the children. Just think about that for a minute. She will have your children 50% of the time.

Whatever you do, however hard you try, you will never be good enough for her. Take a long hard look at their behaviours, actions and thoughts - because THAT is your future. So stop trying with her, and put your energy into freeing yourself, and starting again with a partner who has your back.

You have outgrown your DP, who is a blatant man-child, wanting a new mummy to look after him
^ THIS ^

RUN - don't walk.
THIS HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You're hard working and ambitious. Why do want this man child in your life?

Oh dear - you are making a huge mistake doing all the housework etc. Imagine having dc and him still loafing about and expecting you to run after him, and the in-laws interfering all the time. Nope.

Unless you can get him to cut the apron strings and start pulling his weight at home now (and stick with it) you are onto a loser here. Don't get pregnant fgs.

Yep, run for the hills.

If he and you were on the same page about finding them difficult and wanting to manage it together then I'd say you could make it work.

But you can't change any of it. It's not about you at all, but you will be expected to rearrange you life around their expectations of suffer the consequences. It's just not worth it

Also, you being honest about your reasons for breaking up might be your partners only chance for seeing the situation for what it is (still a slim chance though, he sounds entrenched in it).

I can't understand what benefits you get from this relationship. You will only get more and more miserable if you stay. Lay it all out to him and force him to make the decision - are you his number one priority, or is she?

If he makes plans with you, then he doesn't cancel them for his mother unless (e.g.) she's been in an accident and is in hospital. Not because she's crying and missing him.

He does his fair share of the housework - if you both work the same amount of time then he does 50%. If he doesn't want to, then go back to mummy.

Just put it bluntly - shape up or ship out. The situation is not going to get any better unless he is prepared to do a 180 in his attitude.

I think you will have to end it.

He’s not once and I’m not exaggerating cleaned our house or done the ironing and it’s because his mum done everything for him and says I should do the same. Even though I’m the main earner

RUN seriously, he's a child. Send him back to his mummy, their relationship is unhealthy

Sorry to say, but you're not helping by being his surrogate mummy when he's not with her. he's shown you time after time he thinks more of her needs than yours by always doing what she asks and she will ask for things where he has a choice to put you or her first and he always chooses her.

Throw him out, tell him you want a man as your partner, not a child.

I do literally EVERYTHING for him. He’s not once and I’m not exaggerating cleaned our house or done the ironing and it’s because his mum done everything for him and says I should do the same.

Why the fuck do intelligent women do this?!
And why the fuck are you letting his batshit mother dictate how you run your home and relationship?

Your man-child partner refuses to cut the apron strings, refuses to give you the respect or support you deserve - and your response is to further infantilise him?
You're enabling them in their abuse and bullying of you.

Separate the two issues.

One- he's a useless idiot around the house. Thinks you are his slave/mummy. Is that really the life you want? To have to 'train him' [urgh] to be a normal unselfish human being? Do you want to have children with a big useless man baby?

Second - do you want to spend your entire life fighting his mother? She's not a nice person understatement and when you have children her sole purpose will be to get them 50% of the time.

Sure selling the house will be a hassle but is this really the life you want?

They may never change and it you start a family your resentment will increase 10 fold! If you really love your partner then you could give them one last chance and either meet his mother face-to-face somewhere neutral and lay out how you feel and that their constant babying of him is making you rethink the relationship. Or you could write a letter. As their main focus is him then they’ll probably react best of you focus on him. Say you make him happy and that if you leave they may have him back but he’ll be unhappy, it may prick their conscience a bit? You could try and explain that him wanting to live with you and be independent is a sign that they've raised him well, after all the aim for all parents should be to prepare them to go on and live their own lives. If you’re considering ending things anyway then being brave and facing them is worth a shot. If they react badly walk away. You tried, it failed and those are the consequences. Don't do nothing and marry him. They won't change and may never change but sometimes confronting people with their behaviour can work and they can come to realise they’re been unreasonable. Best of luck!

If your DP doesn't put you first there's nothing to stay for. An adult doesn't prioritize his DM over his DP and a 28 y.o man who expects you to do all the domestic stuff is no catch.

What does this relationship do for you? It's bad enough now. If you were fool enough to have a baby with this mummy's boy things would get far worse and you'd be stuck with them for 18 years at the very least.

Get out now. Find yourself the sort of DP you deserve. My MIL and I had nothing in common but she knew her DS had chosen me and that he put me first. She paid him the compliment of assuming he knew what he was doing and treated me with courtesy and respect. I did the same because he loved his DM.

We rapidly developed a good relationship because we behaved like kind adults. You won't be able to do this with his family, and this won't change.

OP for God's sake use reliable contraception while you make up your mind whether to go or stay.