Ex wants to try again, can it work after saying the love had gone?

[Justanotherchange]

i know it’s late but I can’t sleep and really need advice.

Me and ex broke up a couple of months ago. I was to blame for a lot of it. There was no cheating or anything like that.

We have young children and I have a lot going on which I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve looked for help previously but had the door shut, finally seeking treatment again and I haven’t gave in this time, there is finally progress.

Ex was and is a lovely person. When it ended, he told me he no longer loved me. He doesn’t say anything to deliberately hurt, he doesn’t lose his temper. He told me that he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean and that was what he felt, no love.

A whole has passed and to cut a long story short, he told me he wanted to work at it. At the beginning, this is all I hoped for. I cried myself to sleep praying for this.

Now he’s said it I don’t know if I could ever truly get passed the fact he didn’t/doesn’t love me. Arguments, issues etc... can be worked on, but I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting for his love or word that he will turn around day only to say he still feels nothing.

I want to work at it, selfishly for me as I am still in love with him, for our young dc but there is still this niggle.

Had anyone ever gotten past this for it to work? Im

Sorry for the typos too

He loved you once. Maybe if you work on whatever it was that drove him away , he'll see the person that he fell in love with?

I know and your right. When I look back, I can’t blame him for walking away, I inevitably pushed him.

I just can’t get away from the fact that I have to make him fall in love with me. I want to be with someone I feel secure with and who I feels loves me. I don’t want to have to fight for someone to love me.

I know relationships need effort and work, but if the love has gone then surely that’s it. I can’t even believe I’m saying this. I love him so much, it makes me feel sick thinking about it.

He didn’t tell me he wanted to work at it. We had been spending more time together and he would make excuses barring the children, to spend time with me. I started to wonder what was going on and he told me.

But how was I supposed to know this? It’s unfair not o communicate and almost keep me guessing, it’s cruel. I was moving on with my life and focusing on myself and dc.

Communication is the one area he struggles with but this is my life, our children’s lives. I just don’t want to feel in fighting for him and constantly guessing what he’s thinking.

I’m not laid back and can’t just go with the flow when it comes to my emotions. I can’t keep things in I have to know where I stand which I never do with him

Love is an action you put into practice, not an on/off switch. I think you have to put this issue aside and decide if you want to try and make it work between you. Are you in counselling yourself?

I wouldn't be able to get back with a man who didn't love me.

If he said his feelings had changed that would be different.

I would tell him why I couldn't chance it.

Of course it can work if you both want it to.

The feeling of Love comes and goes . Don't hold it against him that he said the love had gone at one point in time.

How long where you together before the split?
That feeling of love does come and go in long relationships where kids are involved and intense stress is present.

Talk to him tell him how you feel about what he said ask him to explain how he feels now and take it from there.

I would say a break up of a couple of months i.e 8 weeks is something people have in long relationships. In the early stages of a break up emotions run high no one knows what they truely want.

Marriage builders website has tips

Just read this

“love as an emotional association with someone who meets your most important emotional needs”

I'd probably try again if I had kids with someone. But for me I want someone who stays and works things out not someone who leaves everytime there is a problem.

Can you explain what pushed him away?

Because they may impact wether love can come back.

What are his reasons for wanting to try again? If you were both doing well apart, there must be some feelings for you on his side to want to try again?

We were together 7 year. The reason for the split was mainly due to me. I have an eating disorder that I’ve struggled with for many years, there’s other bits and bobs too, all to do it’s my mental well-being.

I have my first appointment tomorrow so things are actually progressing, I want to get better. He knew about it but I was really deceitful and hid it well.

Part of me thinks he left at one of the hardest times in my life but when I take a step back, I was utterly awful to him. Just so wrapped up in my own head and eating disorder.

I too want to be with someone who will fight to keep the relationship, I don’t mean fight to keep me. But who will go through the highs and lows with me. I don’t want someone who will jump as the real first sign of trouble.

He’s not very good at talking but from what I can gather, he wants to try again as he didn’t realise what was going on with me. He didn’t really how bad things were with my eating etc... He thought I was just being deliberately nasty.

I told him that this makes me thinks he wants to try out of pity which he swore isn’t the case. He’s just realised he was quick to throw it away and his perception for the reason for the breakup, has changed.

Sorry I know there is a lot of mumble in this. I’m just confused. I love him and want us to be a family. I just can’t put myself through trying and then it turns out he actually can’t get back to where we were.

He deserves to be with someone he genuinely loves, as do I. We all deserve happiness.

Well done on getting help for your ED. Sounds like it’s very early days for your potential recovery.

How long have you been apart? In that time has he been a good father, and decent to you?

Does he say he loves you now?

You are still pushing him away and asking a lot from him. Are you waiting for a Knight in shiny armour to fight for you and save you from your dragons? He is just a man

How much were you looking after his emotional needs too? You speak as though you think he should have put up with anything you threw at him because you're ill. But you didn't communicate with him. Did you ever show him love and affection or appreciation? Relationships work both ways.

You are all right. I wasn’t looking after him emotionally, physically yes. I felt I was doing everything on my own. Looking after 2 young children, working, keeping on top of the house, meals everything that comes with being an adult and parent.

Since he’s been spending more time in the house, it’s back to being a mess. I know in the grand scheme of things it’s not that big a deal but I like a clean house, well as clean as it can be with 2 young dc. Part of me thinks I don’t want to go back to that way of life. Doing everything on my own, I can’t say this to him as I know he doesn’t care about keeping it tidy. He’s quite lazy but, he is a genuine good person.

I don’t want him to fight for me as I said previously, I just don’t want him to fall at the first big hurdle. I feel awful now like maybe I have been asking to much or pushing him away again, it’s just I’m dealing with so much, I can’t take anymore hurt or potential hurt, I need to get better, for myself and my dc.

It’s been 3 months and he has been a fantastic father and co parent. I feel lucky that my dc have him as their father.

Sticking with someone no matter even when the relationship is making you very unhappy isn't a principle that this forum generally believes in. By your own admission you were nasty to him for quite a while and was unwilling or unable to tell him why.

Did he really just bail at the first sign of trouble or did he put up with this - what to him seemed like unwarranted - nastiness for as long as he could? You should consider giving him another chance.

How about couple counselling? Sounds like there's hope but both of you need to work on your behaviour

He knew about my eating, there’s a lot more which he didn’t know which he no does and he said he realises why I was acting that way, he had been very understanding.

I did tell him especially towards the end of the relationship, that I was struggling to keep on top of everything and needed his help more. I didn’t get any. When he left, everything seemed to be easier, keeping on top of the housework, it was almost like I didn’t have another child to look after. He is really lazy and messy which he knows, but I dont think that will change.

That’s no excuse for my behaviour, I carried on struggling before I cracked. He’s staying at a family members house who I get on well with and they keep saying how messy and untidy he is, I just don’t want to go back to how it was before.

I mean that in the sense I don’t want to be the person I have been, but I also dont want to go back to doing everything on my own.

I have thought about couples counselling but he really doesn’t open up. He keeps everything in so I don’t know if that would work but I will suggest it.

I think couples counselling is always the answer to see a) if anything can be salvaged and if not b) to make a good split - work out details of care of kids and £

If split without Counselling have to do b anyway so may as well do with help if third party

I think you need to be honest and tell him why you have reservations and let him know his messiness is a big concern.

Otherwise if he moved back in, it will probably affect your mental health and a second split would impact on the DC.

That’s what my worry is. This sounds really clique but I’m finally getting the help and admitting I need the help, I’ve struggled for so long. It’s like I have to learn to love myself and I don’t know if I can deal with feeling like I have to make someone else love me too.

I hope that makes sense. He’s here now and I don’t know how to be or what to do. I think I might write it down for him. Like I say, he’s not the best at talking, maybe writing it might help?

It sounds like you are answering your own question here: you feel a niggle and are unable to fully relax, wondering if he is just going to up and leave again, and you also found it easier and more peaceful sorting the house without what you describe as another child making mess and causing you more work, and who doesn't help with the housework even when you asked for some extra support because it was getting on top of you and getting you down.

I don't think he's a bad person but maybe he's not helping to lift you up right now? You are also yet to have your first appointment in terms of seeking help, it can take months and years of therapy to make big leaps of progress so he may not see a change in you yet, although it's great you have started the process of seeking support; you are still at the start of your journey.

Does he have to move back in? Can you keep talking but not rush into anything right now? You don't have to live together if it's not working for you.

I know it’s going to be a long process, in some ways I don’t feel I will ever be free of my ed but I want to keep it under control and get my life back.

I don’t think he would move back in anyway, not just yet. I’m definitely not ready for that at the moment. The more time he spends at the house, I can feel resentment starting to surface again. He just leaves a trail behind him 🙈 I can take it in small doses.

I don’t think he will ever be the tidiest person which is okay, I can deal with that. I just can’t take clearing up his mess and dirt and see him watch me struggle.

It all sounds so minor but it’s not to me, it builds up, him washing the pots or bringing some washing in can really help. It’s only little things but it helps me.

I don’t want this to be the end but when I look to the future I don’t know what I see, I just know I can’t go through that breakup again, it almost broke me. In some ways it was positive as it’s made me finally seek real help but it was bloody painful