Ex wants to try again, can it work after saying the love had gone?

[Justanotherchange]

i know it’s late but I can’t sleep and really need advice.

Me and ex broke up a couple of months ago. I was to blame for a lot of it. There was no cheating or anything like that.

We have young children and I have a lot going on which I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve looked for help previously but had the door shut, finally seeking treatment again and I haven’t gave in this time, there is finally progress.

Ex was and is a lovely person. When it ended, he told me he no longer loved me. He doesn’t say anything to deliberately hurt, he doesn’t lose his temper. He told me that he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t mean and that was what he felt, no love.

A whole has passed and to cut a long story short, he told me he wanted to work at it. At the beginning, this is all I hoped for. I cried myself to sleep praying for this.

Now he’s said it I don’t know if I could ever truly get passed the fact he didn’t/doesn’t love me. Arguments, issues etc... can be worked on, but I don’t want to feel like I’m fighting for his love or word that he will turn around day only to say he still feels nothing.

I want to work at it, selfishly for me as I am still in love with him, for our young dc but there is still this niggle.

Had anyone ever gotten past this for it to work? Im

It sounds like you're better off apart. It doesn't matter that he's naturally messy (so am I but I've had to change my ways since having children) he could see how much you were struggling and still didn't make an effort.

How many days /nights a week has he been in sole charge of the DC since your breakup?

Domestic work and parenting is a shared responsibility - you didn’t need “help”, you needed him to do his fair share of the work. Sounds like he was unwilling to do that.

Messiness, not pulling weight and having the attitude that domestics were my job - including clearing HIS mess - or that my standards (assuming your standards are reasonable!) were too high would be deal breakers for me.

Couples’ counselling may be useful.

It sounds like you need to deal with yourself before dealing with someone else.
Can you perhaps not say you do want to try but that you need to process your issues first and then work on the relationship?

Going of what you have said it sounds like working on the relationship and recovering from your issues are not two things that can be done simultaneously. Moreover that attempting to do so will just bring down the tower of cards you are balancing on.

Be careful, OP. Your recovery is fragile. You are already becoming stressed about his adding to your workload and how this will affect you if he leaves again. What has actually changed for him? Is his life going well? Is hie financially independent with a good quality of life and friends? Or is he stuck staying with relatives who are pushing him to get back with you to get him out of the house?

He works and had the dc if I’m at work but the way my shifts work, that’s not very often. He hasn’t really had sole charge of them, the odd day but tbh it’s mainly on me which is fine.

When people say it’s parenting not helping, you are all correct, it’s just it seems to fall on the mum which I’m okay with but it’s almost just expected of me, it definitely is anyway. I cook tea, prep meals, just do the everyday things that as I said before, comes with being a parent and adult.

My standards are definitely not high or unrealistic, my house definitely isn’t a palace, I have 2 small children I just like to keep on top of things and I don’t like waking up to a mess.

Maybe this is unrealistic and unreasonable of me? I just find it so much easier getting up with the dc and the house/kitchen not being a mess. I like to wash the pots/put away, this sometimes caused problems as he would say he’d sort them, if I’d had a hard day and want to go to bed early but then I’d come down and he hadn’t done them, but I’d be the one getting up with the children.

I know I can’t and don’t want to go back to that, I just don’t want to let go. I know he put up with a lot he really did. I think we would both need to make huge changes. Im prepared for that, I want that! I just know from the more time he is spending, he isn’t chipping in and I don’t think he wants to change.

I don’t mean I want to change him, I just want help in the house! It sounds petty, not giving it another go partly because of housework but there was no teamwork.

I don’t know

Would a cleaner help?

The thing is, no teamwork IS a dealbreaker and it's perfectly reasonable to feel that way. You sound as though you are getting your head sorted and you don't want a repeat of the breakup. I think you should just stay on your own for now and see how you go, don't ignore that resentment at cleaning up his messes when he's round yours - you'll regret it so much if you brush it under the carpet.

It's not compulsory to have him live with you. You can still be a couple but not live together. It's selfish and lazy to make mess and leave it for someone else to clear up. I don't know that I could live like that.

You can’t ‘make him love you’ that’s for him to do. It’s not your job, it’s his to rediscover you and learn from what’s happened. You can only be you and take responsibility for you.

**’Doing everything on my own, I can’t say this to him as I know he doesn’t care about keeping it tidy. He’s quite lazy but, he is a genuine good person.’

If he cares about you, he will care about this. You can tell him. You can be honest. Learn to be a little selfish and honest.

It sounds to me like he really wants to try and so do you. Go gently, spend time away from the kids and the house. One day at a time x

When I read it back it sounds so petty, but he doesn’t really help unless I ask. He said before that I should just ask if I need his help but then I feel like I’m constantly asking and I don’t want to nag.

I don’t know what I want. He leaves me so confused too. Yesterday he was really upset that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to give things another chance, today he leaves right after I’ve cooked tea without really saying bye.

I feel like I’m forever guessing what he’s thinking and it’s not helping the situation. He says he just doesn’t know how to communicate what he’s feeling which I try to understand but I will sit there almost begging him to tell me what he’s thinking.

I don’t have space for this! I’m a massive over thinker, I try not to be but it’s hard.

Now I’m just confused and anxious

I know and your right ginger but I don’t want to live in fear that he might not fall back in love with me.

When I’m trying to fix myself, I don’t want to have this over me too. Forever thinking about how I have to act or “behave” in front of him.

If I say something he doesn’t agree or I upset him in some way. He’s not controlling or anything like that, it’s just the way my mind works. Like I say, I overthink things and this already, seems like it’s too much for me to deal with.

I just want to get better first and foremost, for myself and my dc. They are my priority. I want to be the best mum and person I can be and I don’t know if I can do whilst being with their father. This makes me so sad

Don’t make any decisions yet. I used to worry about the weight of trying to do all the right things. A few serious events and a broken relationship led me to counselling. Now, I trust my partner when he says he wants me, loves. I learned through the process of getting help that there was room for me to breathe too.

Do what you need to do to get yourself ok, don’t make big decisions yet and be gentle on yourself. It will take time and things may unravel a little and grow back together. Take care x

Thank you so much. I’m glad your experience has somehow showed you your own way.

I should maybe take each day as it comes. Just try to keep focused on my recovery and my dc. As they say, what is meant to be will be, as long as I keep working on being the best version of me.

Thank you

From everything you said it sounds like your husband died live you.
I can relate to so much of your story.
I think as you recover and you are doing so well your husband starts to see the woman he fell in love with.
You are learning to trust your own instincts- well done.
He's a grown man and not only should he clean up his own mess he should be helping you.
I have found you have to 'train' men how ti help.
Just ask them. Ad long as it's done nicely.
"Sweet heart can you just do the dishes while I read the kids s bedtime story ?" And remember to thank them.
It may take a while but they get there. Men can walk past stuff - the pots - where woman can't.
Good luck - you've got this x

Husband does love you lol

Thank you robin, I hope whatever it is in my situation you can relate to, your dealing with too.

Yesterday he said just that really, he can see the person I used to be, that I am deep down, he always has and always will love that person. I wasn’t happy being that person.

I think it’s best to just take each day as it comes. I can’t help but feel worried, what if he one day tells me he can’t do it, he doesn’t really love me. I just feel inside I have to give it a shit.

Hope for the best.

😂🙈 shot! Not shit. 😳

It really sounds like counselling would help. Hes said communication isnt his thing and has shown that he doesnt recognise your need for help around the house.
Had this with dh. Counselling helped bring home the fact that his lack of communication was bad for the relationship in a way that just talking about it independently wouldnt have.
It also helped us both learn that him helping around the house was about him seeing me and my needs as opposed to just dirty dishes.

Apologies if this sounds harsh OP but he seems to drain you rather than support you. I wonder, do you feel unappreciated by him?

From reading your posts it seems he'd find life easier with you and the children - he'd get back with you for what it gives him, not what it gives you or your relationship...

OP, I'm wondering whether it's a frightening prospect to face your recovery alone? Of course, the truth is that when we choose to take responsibility for ourselves and our own healing, then it is something we have to do by ourselves, whether we're with a partner or not. In other words, we can expect our partner's support, but they are not there to save us from ourselves and our process.

Contemplating getting back together at this juncture of your healing may be a way of avoiding the full-on nature of what that healing entails. In other words, it is a form of hysterical bonding.

I'd think long and hard, and give yourself some space, before you commit.

It is daunting knowing my whole way of life is going to change during my recovery. I know what I need to do and it sounds obvious but it’s not as simple as just doing it and getting well. Doing it alone is also daunting.

He’s a great father, he’s funny, kind hearted, we have had such good fun over the years, he’s just very lazy! I wish I could just get it through to him. I haven’t mentioned counselling yet, we have had a busy few days and the weekend is also quite full on so I will when it settles and we get some quite time.

Like I say, he’s willing to try again after all he’s put up with, I feel I owe it to everyone to try again. Changes will need to happen though on both parts, I want that.

I’m absolutely not ready to live together again, I think he feels the same too. He said he knows my recovery isn’t going to happen overnight and he’s okay with that.

All I can do now is just see what happens. I have already noticed a change in myself, only small. It just feels like such s long road to get help sometimes but have to take each day as it comes. Maybe I need to stop thinking so far ahead. My support worker said just take small steps, stop trying to fix everything at once.