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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Man needing women's advice, please! I've fallen for someone at work and i don't know what to do...

29 replies

JRJC1182 · 15/08/2018 22:19

So, I would like some help here about a woman i think I am in love with and I don’t know where to start. Yes, i am a man but I feel the need for some neutral opinions and i would respect any comments from women as you might be able to help me see how this girl I have fallen for is feeling.

The woman i think i love i actually work at the same company with (though not in the same team). I first saw her nearly a year ago and got butterflies immediately, I also realised she wore a wedding ring and so thought nothing of it. However, months later I was walking to the bus stop after work and although i knew she was a good thirty seconds behind me, i didn’t stop as we’d never spoken. But she definitely ran to catch me up then stopped, said hello and we talked all the way into town, and she gave me a lingering look as we parted. Again, i thought nothing.

Not long after we started emailing (about a work thing) which then turned social and became almost a daily exchange. Nothing flirty at all i should add. But i began to suspect she may be separated which was then confirmed a while later, and sure enough i noticed she was no longer wearing her ring. The emails increased as did the odd chat in person and i found we got on amazingly well with the same interests in everything, and we’d always chat excitedly about all sorts. No numbers had been exchanged still. Then this summer, we were chatting and she suggested a drink after work, only for an hour. We ended up being out for over four and briefly held hands in the pub. She told me her marriage had been over for a year but had continued to wear her ring whilst they were still in a bit of contact. We bumped into friends of hers after and upon hearing my name, her friend asked “is this from work”, which interested me; she’d obviously said something.

Weeks later, against my better judgement, i asked her out but was kindly refused and told dating is the furthest thing from her mind, which i understand. but i admit to being incredibly disappointed. The emails continued for a bit but have tailed off and i now try and avoid talking to her, mainly out of self-preservation, but i imagine she’ll think I am ignoring her/dislike her, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time I see or hear her voice my stomach flips, and i just want to just tell her now how i feel and get it off my chest, as it’s really getting me down. We still have moments at work when we have lingering looks etc but i don’t know how to play this one. Any advice is most appreiciated. I can’t get her out of my head. Sorry the monologue is so wordy :|)

OP posts:
Sweetsongbird1 · 15/08/2018 22:24

Why did they tail off?

She may have used you as a distraction during her separation. What fo you think she would say if you messaged her out of the blue to see how she was ?

CountFosco · 15/08/2018 22:25

Weeks later, against my better judgement, i asked her out

This is the bit that stands out. She asked you out, you had a nice time then you waited WEEKS before you asked her out 'against your better judgement' whatever you mean by that and you're surprised she turned you down.

3girlmama · 15/08/2018 22:26

I'd send an email to start a conversation going again and then suggest a drink after work, like you went for before and say you really enjoyed it so would she like to do it again maybe? Once the ice is broken with an email you'll find it easier to talk in person when you see her.
Sounds like she does like you and want to get to know you but maybe isn't emotionally ready yet. So, just go slowly slowly and become friends and gain each other's trust and go from there 😊
If she turns you down on the drinks invite, you know to put it out of your mind for the time being and see how things go without pursuing any further. Until you ask you'll only be thinking 'what if'

ThunderInMyHeart · 15/08/2018 22:28

But why can’t you just get it off your chest?

No games. Just tell her.

JRJC1182 · 15/08/2018 22:28

I think the emails/chats have tailed off a bit since I asked her out. It has all been very amicable but I feel maybe the disappointment of being rejected, coupled with really falling for someone I can't be with maybe has un-subconsiousally led to less contact. Its not like they've tailed off to nothing, we still talk, just not with the same regularity.

OP posts:
JRJC1182 · 15/08/2018 22:31

When we did go out it wasn't like a "date" in the traditional sense, it was more just a drink after work. It was two or three weeks later i asked her for a proper date, as i didn't really know how to play the situation.

Thank you for your replies by the way, really appreciate them.

OP posts:
Sweetsongbird1 · 15/08/2018 22:31

Just message her, what have you got to lose?

When would you normally message her ?

JRJC1182 · 15/08/2018 22:37

Sweetsongbird1

You are right, it's maybe the fact I have asked her once and I don't want to piss her off or scare her off by doing so again. We briefly spoke today but was just a quick catch up.

OP posts:
Armygirl · 15/08/2018 22:44

If she’s said she doesn’t want to date and has turned you down then I would take her at her word and not ask her again.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 15/08/2018 22:46

Perhaps she isn’t as separated as she made out?

SuperSuperSuper · 15/08/2018 22:47

It's difficult to know. Maybe you come across as a bit cool - waiting three weeks to ask her out when the ball was in your court because she'd asked you to the pub - it was your place to reciprocate imo, and you should have done so with more keenness. So, maybe she deduced that you're not massively interested and therefore not a keeper. and she didn't want to open herself up to more hurt following her divorce.

Cards on the table time methinks.

CherryCherryCherry · 15/08/2018 22:54

You could ask her outright if she were to start dating again whether you would be in the running at all? At least you would know then.

Sweetsongbird1 · 15/08/2018 22:55

She might not have been ready then after her split. Dh chased me for three years till I said yes (gave in)

I’d send her a breezy message

‘Hi xxx , was lovely to see today, if you fancy a proper catch up I’m still up for that drink/coffee if you fancy it’

If she says no then you have your final answer. If she is catching your gaze at work there might be a tiny spark there OR you could be imagining it and she says NO! Grin

Either way you will no where you stand and can start to move on and work at getting over her.

SandyY2K · 15/08/2018 23:21

She turned you down once and I wouldn't ask again.

Forget her in that sense and keep it friendly and professional.

dirtybadger · 15/08/2018 23:32

I wouldn't ask her again.

Rejecting someone once can make things awkward but you can rebuild the (friendly and work appropriate) relationship. Trying again after the first time could look and feel like you haven't taken the hint.

She knows you're interested because you asked her out on a date.

If I were her, I would feel relatively confident sending you a message saying I had changed my mind, Did you still want to go for that drink, etc, if indeed I did change my mind. Which she may! Leave the ball in her court. Especially important as you work together.

dirtybadger · 15/08/2018 23:35

By which I don't mean "wait for her". She may never change her mind. Try not to put her on too much of a pedestal. She may be truly wonderful but she has flaws like every other person. It's easy to become infatuated with someone when you don't have to see their down sides.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 15/08/2018 23:42

what do you still chat about on email? can you tell from her tome whether she may still be interested potentially (i.e. she shared stuff, is warm, asks you about your life)?
I think if she was suling or had zero interest in you now, she wouldn't still chat.
It could be that she just simply wants a breather after being separated / still sorting things out with her ex. Of course it CAN happen that separated couples get back together, so you need to be patient for a bit.
As others said, she may have felt disappointed you didn;t ask her out sooner and thought 'no, dating is too stressful/hard work atm'.

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 15/08/2018 23:42

*sulking

Notmany · 16/08/2018 07:18

Move on. Chasing her is likely to make you less attractive. Go on a few date with other women and have some fun rather than pining away for a woman who is working through a marriage breakdown.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 16/08/2018 07:30

I think asking her out might have been too much too soon.
As a woman being asked out sometimes it can feel that there's an air of expectation around it. I don't mean sexual necessarily but it can feel like you're on a pathway whereas before it was relaxed, easy, get to know each other, literally no expectation etc

I would keep the friendship up definitely, ask her about your day, catch up over coffee, keep it relaxed. She clearly likes you, you just need to play it cool as my username suggests. She just may need time to feel more comfortable.

Fairylea · 16/08/2018 07:39

Reading between the lines it feels like you don’t think she’s as separated as you think she is. It seems odd to me that she chose to keep her wedding ring on if she was separated- most people I know who are really over their partners can’t wait to take them off (me included!). I am wondering if it’s all a bit more “messy” than it seems. That’s not to say it can’t work - when I met now dh I was still married to ex dh, albeit going through the divorce.

I think you owe it to yourself to ask her outright. If she says no then you’ll have to just leave her to it.

Fairylea · 16/08/2018 07:40

When I say ask her outright I mean like the way the poster above has suggested - breezy. Not in an undying love type way!

ILovePierceBrosnan · 16/08/2018 07:42

My daughter has had a chap at work mooning after her and she finds it really awkward. She has told him no (she doesn’t date colleagues) and I can imagine she might return stares out of discomfort rather than “lingering”. I’d take her at her word.

NicoAndTheNiners · 16/08/2018 07:44

I don’t think you should ask her out again. You have once, she said no and you need to respect that. She’s a work colleague and the last thing you want is her reporting you for hassling her.

I think try and increase the emails/friendliness/chatting back to previous levels. Let it evolve naturally and see what happens. Try and be there as a friend because she’s said she doesn’t want to date. As she gets to know you more her feelings may develop.

AuntieStella · 16/08/2018 07:49

I'd say to just let it go.

She was interested enough for a first 'date' (the extended drinks after work) but not enough to want to turn that into actual dating.